too gay to live-too straight to die

Xanavici || 29 || they/them || A whole big mess of everything || I occasionally write fanfic and make art even more occasionally do some other stuff D&D blog: dabbinglitch || Art blog: xanavici

[hr-rep]

Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.

[hr-rep]

@persimmony-snicket EXACTLYYYY

[smokingrozanov]

16 year old Shane getting flustered from a chirp from a very attractive hockey player he’s facing off against . But then the guy misses a really easy goal & Shane gets the ick so bad it shoves him back into the closet for another year

[escapepodding]

A list of some the thinly veiled fictional adaptations of the Hollanov romance Ilya and Shane will live to experience. They never share the actual relationship timeline or many/if any pre-outing details but that doesn't stop these from existing:

It's the same but the fictional Hollanov are playing a different sport. They consider these lazy.

It's the same but they're lesbians. Starred Rose Landry as Lilya which definitely made them both feel a certain way. Honestly their favourite though.

The straight version. Why are they rivals? Why are they straight? Who thought to make a straight romance forbidden in hockey???? They're least favourite.

The one where they are magical fairies and their magical kingdoms are at war. Not convinced fairy isn't being used as a slur but points for originality, they grudgingly enjoyed.

The one that cared way more about the actual hockey than the romance, which they respect. Unfortunately the people they could get to do the hockey scenes aren't generational talents and so they disliked because it made them look worse at hockey than they were, which is a hate crime in itself.

So. Many. Porn. Parodies. Accuracy varies wildly because they refuse to talk about their sex life, they've shared enough, fuck off. Almost weirder when they get it right, though.

The incredibly chaste one where they hold hands and tearfully speak poetry to each other and their first kiss is their wedding day. They prefer the porn and would rather be called slurs to their face.

The one where they are UN Ambassadors for their respective countries. How often do UN Ambassadors actually meet? Do they have rankings? The missile plotline was wild. Shane did think the seriousness of the stakes appropriate, the Stanley Cup is that serious, actually.

The one that barely changed their names, and Pozenov has a really, really bad Russian accent and he is from an unspecified Eastern European country. They had to turn off, Ilya was infuriated. Shane is once again asking their lawyers if they are sure they cannot sue.

The one where they remove the romance entirely and it becomes rivals to friends who put aside their differences to save The Centaurs. Why? The closest Dane and Nikita get to each other is manfully clasping hands over the Gregory Cup. Obviously awful but does inspire Ilya and Shane to exclusively refer to each other as Bro for a whole week. Yuna can't bear it and does finally break and sue that one.

The Centaurs have a movie and book club exclusively reserved for these which is how Ilya and Shane know. They have never knowingly consumed fictional Hollanov content, though occaisionally get jump scared by the realisation that is what they are accidentally watching.

The Centaurs give them a report and rating for each, and this team tradition continues for decades, well after Ilya and Shane retire. Yes, they even write up and review the porn.

[shanesleftskate]

hollanov initiating sex the same way players get into fights on the ice, just looking at each other and ilya goes ‘you want it?’ And Shane’s already nodding ‘yeah, yeah’ and then they’re all over each other.

[penandinkprincess]

Re: pets and the hollanders, Yuna gives me major bird owner vibes, just a massive bird that loves sitting on her shoulder and swearing at bad hockey calls with her. They live so long that it could've even have been her parents (sitting on her fathrr's shoulder, swearing at hockey together), just imagine Yuna's entire life being narrated by a multilingual bird, no wonder she's so good at negotiation, lol. (A bird that will probably be inherited again one day, sorry Ilya, that bird will live forever).

her name is miko.

yuna's dad bought her for her mom after they moved to canada because she got lonely at home after they first arrived because they were so far from family, and it is an extremely husband move to be like, "sad? i know what will fix this. giant loud bird. PERFECT."

yuna's mom did indeed love miko, and yuna bonded with miko after her mom's death because it felt like she had someone to grieve with who missed her like she did (i the writer just teared up thinking about that oh my god). when yuna moved out, miko went with her because miko got along with yuna's dad but in the spirit of "we share a house, so i'll tolerate you" lmao. yuna knew that david was the one for her when she brought him back to her place for the first time and he immediately greeted miko like a person.

shane experiences sibling-like tension with miko lmao.

in a lot of ways, miko is like his older sister (sits with them at family meals, HAS come on vacation with them before, has to be greeted in the morning or his mom gets mad at him and also miko yells) except she is FUCKING LOUD. she tragically knows his name because yuna taught it to her after bringing shane home and introducing them (how could you condemn him like this, mom? she knows like twenty words and one of them HAD to be his name??? what the FUCK??), so the SECOND miko sees him or hears him or just thinks he's in the general vicinity, you are hearing "SHANE! SHANE! SHANE!" loud enough that the fucking NEIGHBORS know when there has been a Shane Spotting.

(also VERY salty from being told that miko's japanese is better than his. how is he losing to a BIRD.) (what do you MEAN her pronounciation is better.) (she has a BEAK.) (blue and gold macaws aren't even the clearest talkers when it comes to parrots, what do you MEAN miko is beating him?) (she only knows a few words and she's WINNING??) (just because she calls you yuna-chan doesn't mean she should get to WIN, mom.)

does miko understand hockey? doubtful. does she understand when yuna is mad and decide it's Time To Screm? YEP. not helped by yuna and david both egging her on with, "you tell 'em, miko!" (poor bb autistic shane with this LOUD ASS BIRD intruding on his sacred hockey time).

shane also denies it but he nurses a grudge to this fucking day about the time he was 15 and got miko out because she wouldn't stop Shane Screeching until he did but then stopped watching her for like. FIVE minutes getting ready to leave for a game.

ONLY TO COME OUT. TO THIS FUCKING BIRD. HAVING SYSTEMATICALLY UNWRAPPED ALL THE TAPE FROM AROUND HIS HOCKEY STICK.

SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

HE KNOWS IT.

SHE DID IT TO FUCK WITH HIM.

(not helping this is that miko has yuna's mom's laugh, which is nice because it means yuna still gets to hear it, but having to leave like RIGHT NOW only to have this bird fuck you over and then laugh in your face??? it is the closest shane has ever come to throwing hands with miko.)

he is just FURTHER pissed when miko takes a liking to ilya. he had to grow up with this annoying bird and now she's trying to STEAL HIS BOYFRIEND??? ridiculous.

they're birdsitting for david and yuna when they're on a cruise one summer, and miko rarely leaves ilya's shoulder the whole time. while ilya is shirtless!! he can SEE her claws digging in? but miko gets cuddles and to offer her opinions on what ilya is doing but shane can't snuggle against his shoulder on the couch because miko will start preening his hair, which is Annoying? ridiculous.

he wakes up one morning to find them showering together.

shane is LIVID.

[penandinkprincess]

*teenaged shane home alone voice while this loud ass bird is squawking* "shut the fuck UP, miko"

*miko, immediately playing word association* "UP MIKO! STEP UP MIKO! STEP UP MIKO! UP! STEP UP MIKO!"

"NO"

*now mad she's been baited and switched for what appeared to be an offer of out of cage time* "STEP UP MIKO!"

"NO. FUCK OFF."

"SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHA-"

an hour later yuna and david get home to a visibly furious shane sulking on the couch and throwing miko's ball for her so she can chase it because he lost a battle of wills to a bird.

(again)

[penandinkprincess]

ilya and shane housesitting for yuna and david one weekend (because it's just easier for miko to stay where she is) and getting a little hot and heavy in the guest room and thus missing the tap tap tap tap tap of little birdy feet on the hardwood until ilya groans out "shane" and immediately sets off a "SHANE SHANE SHANE SHANE SHANE" that makes them slam their heads together startling at their sudden chaperone making herself known

leave room for jesus miko

[penandinkprincess]

it's a family joke to refer to miko as shane's sister, which is all well and good until a camera catches ilya teasing shane after a game about, "we HAVE to go over tonight, shane. we promised your sister. she misses you."

and ooooh? shane hollander has a SECRET sister??? he has NEVER mentioned a sister before! he has, in fact, previously said he is an only child! scandal! intrigue! juicy details! hot goss-

and shane has to make a fucking instagram post going, "here she is. my sister who is not my sister. she is my mom's bird."

and now even his social media isn't safe from miko. >:(

[penandinkprincess]

young shane who HATED squishy grapes on his snack plate 🤝 miko who would happily take ALL offered fruit

this does unfortunately mean miko still assumes any fruit or vegetable shane has is obviously Miko Food as well, which means yuna HAS walked into the kitchen to see her son and her bird arguing about miko shoving her face in shane's blender cup of fruit in the 30 seconds his back was turned while getting the protein powder out of the cabinet

[penandinkprincess]

reading your "hit or miss" fic and those boys would LOVE game pigeon

i also LOVED that fic so much.. do u think vivienne Knows about them.. like surely there's one family member going i know what you are shane hollander and ilya rozanov

i think vivienne has suspicions that there's a crush in there somewhere, but i don't think she KNOWS.

i've also seen multiple people say yuna and david HAVE to know, but like. ilya has A Reputation with the ladies. i think mainly they're just glad shane has such a good friend, and if yeah, it seems a little closer than two guys might be otherwise, well *shrug* ilya is european and shane is probably just following his lead lol.

[graham-cracker-guillotine]

could be a funny concept: shane's chronically online younger cousin (naming her elle in my mind) is a hollanov warrior. has been since shane and ilya got drafted together. i think maybe she's a distant cousin, distant enough that she's like an every-other-year-we-visit cousin. and she keeps that shit LOCKED DOWN she's up on tumblr and twitter as shanes #1 fan. she never mentions that she's related to him nor does she ever express any interest in hockey other than "i mean my cousin plays" (<- no mention of who the cousin is). elle might be the #1 most vindicated person whenever hollanov is revealed. she and luca haas are tumblr mutuals

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of elle meeting luca at a bbq (maybe she stopped by to see aunt yuna and uncle david and cousin shane because she goes to a summer camp soon but then there's a bbq and she's a hockey fan so gets to tag along, and she meets luca and just gets The Tumblr Vibe and SO quietly at one point just goes, "i like your shoelaces" and sees luca's whole body take a screenshot and is just

[graham-cracker-guillotine]

THIS IS SO FUNNY

^ elle probably figured out which mutual luca was as soon as she was in the car on the way home (ive seen the user luca-rozanov thrown around which is so unsubtle and so funny) but luca doesn't figure out elle is hane-shollander until years after they met

i think shane catches on that luca and elle know each other (has no idea how considering the different continents) however, whenever the two of them interact, he sees this extremely distraught expression that luca is desperately trying to hide and thinks his cousin is doing her normal of "hockey? i don't think i've ever heard of that sport. can you explain it to me?" bit but instead it is SO MUCH worse for luca

[penandinkprincess]

GOD shane who knows his little cousin likes heckling grown ass men and has since she could barely fucking see over the wall who just assumes she's doing the same to luca, so he takes luca aside and is just, "listen, you can't let her get to you, okay? she's just having fun. she does the same to me all the time."

and now luca is internally having a crisis because he thinks this is shane saying he is somewhere on tumblr, too, and now he is about to have a panic attack thinking about if Shane Fucking Hollander has seen his in-depth hollanov analysis posts in person.

elle (who is. a demon) one day after a game is making introductions to a friend she brought along and goes, "and this is luca rozanov, no, oops, i mean haas. :) my mistake. :) right, luca? :)"

and luca is just

[graham-cracker-guillotine]

IM SOBBING

maybe harris finds out that shane's beloved cousin is in town and is like. hey shane do you think your cousin would like to come to practice and help me with media (maybe he heard from troy about shane's menace of a younger cousin and thinks that she would be a fantastic person to bring to the media team)

shane's like yeah why not? i'll see if she's free

and oh boy is elle free, she's so excited. she's coming up with new questions that these hockey boys had never heard of before. like why do you look sometimes like a trout when you're warming up? or how many times do you think you can skate around the rink at full speed before you throw up?

harris is having a fantastic time. shane is equally having a fantastic time because he knows his cousin is so excited. luca is trembling in fear because he has been avoiding her since she got to the rink. he knows she's going to get his ass. he's very unsubly skating away from her every time she gets even a teeny bit close to him. she knows what he's doing. he knows that she knows what he's doing. nobody else knows why luca, one of the nicest rookies, looks terrified of shane's cousin

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of the lowkey cat and mouse dynamic happening on this ice between giant, built luca haas and this petite 16 year old girl is KILLING ME.

it's ahead of family night, so she gets to do interviews as kind of a bit of involving family at every step of the way, and she's not on camera (both because minor (they do get a sign off from her mom) and also she's just not interested in that. she'd rather be an anonymous plight to hockey players everywhere), but for ANYONE paying attention it is VERY clear that she is very slowly chasing luca around the rink as luca looks increasingly sweaty. she is coming for him, and they BOTH know it. luca straight up contemplates just puking on the ice so he can CALL IT and LEAVE.

he loses track of her for like a minute and just hears "you avoid miette?" from behind him and feels his soul briefly leave his body.

[penandinkprincess]

no one who watches the video knows elle's name because the only time she's addressed is by ilya, who calls her Small Hollander (which is affectionately changed to Smallander by fans). the video also gets traffic because it's among the most relaxed interviews shane's ever given. he's still On because he's in his uniform and aware this is going online, but he's smiling slightly because it's his little cousin "interviewing" him, which means it's mostly just chirping back and forth. "what's your ideal breakfast, shane?" "a protein smoothie" *loud buzzer noise* "boring answer. try again." "that IS the answer." "well make up a better one. we're trying to make a television program here." "this isn't for television. this is going on instagram, i think." "okay well just for that, you're getting the villain edit in this one. it's going to make rupaul's editing look tame." "i don't even know who that is." "GOD you're so bad at being gay." "i'm telling your mom you said that." "okay and then i'll tell ilya you said you wouldn't love him if he was a worm?? en garde, dude."

from across the rink: "SMALL HOLLANDER. ENOUGH OF THIS GUY. HE WILL KILL EVERYONE WITH BOREDOM. COME ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS."

[penandinkprincess]

elle, having finally cornered luca (literally cornered him, she has him backed against a wall): so, luca, i hear you're quite an artist. any subjects you're especially a fan of? i'm sure the world of hockey offers a lot of inspiration for dynamic poses.

luca, who doesn't know how she knows about his fanart but knows she Knows: n-no, not really.

elle, who is in a pink puffy coat and has a bow in her hair and is a good foot shorter than him and yet is scarier than any hockey player he's ever faced on the ice: oh? 🙂 i would have thought there's plenty of inspiration. i mean you're on the same team as the world's most famous players. they even have their own couple name, don't they? 🙂 what was it again? hollanov or something? am i saying that right? 🙂

luca, about to die of heart attack at 19:

[plushefemme]

not to be a hedonist but. pleasure IS the whole point, my loves. we are made for pleasure. humans have not survived out of spite or sheer grit or simply to make more humans. we live for pleasure. the pleasure of licking the last delicious crumbs off your fingers and feeling sunlight on your skin and massaging a loved one's shoulders. we're made to fill our bellies with delicious food, to nap in soft grass, to touch each other in joy and comfort.

there is no shame or guilt in our bodies doing what they were made to do. and we are made for pleasure.

[kayla-denker]

The demonizing of hedonism, of pleasure in general, is literally christian dogma. And I hate how much of a grip it has on even supposedly secular culture.

[unalivejournal]

Ok. What you're gonna want to do is chop up a cucumber and put it in a bowl. Then you're gonna sprinkle a generous portion of salt on top. Then you're gonna drizzle them with a balsamic vinaigrette and gently shake to combine, leaving you with a cool and refreshing summer snack. In 15 seconds dangerous and burly men are going to drag me away to an unknown second location. Remember everything I've taught you. I love you

[girldraki]

[mina-logan]

When your bro is also your bunny it can be something so special.

[memyselfandi13531]

post tlg some random asshole defenseman makes a shitty comment about shane taking it up the ass and shane looks at him, then at the scoreboard that shows the centaurs winning 6-1, then back down at him like "i dunno man i think one of us is getting fucked in the ass right now and it isn't me." and then that guy tries to fight him

[tinylilhollander]

Tonight I'm thinking about Shane getting anxious and overwhelmed in a social situation – not enough that it's noticable to most people, but Ilya can see that he's Freaking Out – and Ilya just slowly running his hand up the back of Shane's neck until his fingers are tangled into his hair, and tugging just hard enough that it hurts a bit, like holding a kitten by the scruff of its neck. The message is clear: even if you don't feel like you are, I'm in control and I've got you. Shane instantly relaxes.

[shilyas]

[bugslibraryy]

Okay how about Ilya fucking Shane stupid on his back, arms pinned down hard over his head, body over top of him. Asking Shane for a kiss and Shane is trying to lean up, push himself up to give Ilya what he’s asking, whatever he’s asking always, for Ilya, but he can’t push up past Ilya’s grip because he’s being fucked silly and he’s all weak from it and Ilya is pouting like “you don’t want to kiss?” And Shane is like no no baby noo I want to kiss you please” and Ilya is like ask nicer sweetheart then maybe you can have it and so Shane begs and be-

[beakybeakybeaky]

Re: Shane with babies.

when they go back to Montreal and Boston after the summer of being in each others pockets, Shane finally gets to meet his newest goddaughter Amber. She’s four months old, pudgy and grinning a huge gummy smile at everyone. Jackie takes a picture of Shane smiling softly at her while Amber is delighted with her uncle Shane.

When he sends it to Ilya he is so consumed with the need to knock him up that his legs go to jelly a bit. He’s clinging to his kitchen island going through the five stages of grief about not being able to biologically impregnate him.

[comingatthecottage]

although i absolutely adore both writing and reading angsty fic about miscommunications born of insecurity, i think canonically neither ilya nor shane is an insecure person. they're actually both very confident, sometimes cocky, and i don't think there are signs that's an act!

shane's problem isn't insecurity, it's shame. he doesn't think he's not good enough, he thinks there is something wrong with him that he has to keep secret at all costs lest everyone find out and punish him for it

ilya's problem isn't insecurity, it's self-hatred. he doesn't think he's not good enough, he thinks there is a deep well of badness inside himself that will ultimately destroy him and the people he loves

what i'm saying is that there are a lot of different ways to feel terrible about yourself and we should branch out!

[lavenderprose]

hello, would you mind expanding on your shane thrives in grroups of large men tag bc i would like to hear more if you're willing.

Okay so I'm gonna try to put this into words but I also need you to bear with me because it's gonna sound a bit wild at first.

Shane Hollander is a pick me.

STOP THROWING TOMATOES HEAR ME OUT. Yes I know pick me is a loaded term. I've known a couple of pick mes and they were actually really lovely girls who had been so conditioned to behave only in the most male-attention-oriented ways that it literally broke them. Yes I know this is not the universal experience but honestly I think it's more common than anybody realizes. We live in a society etc. etc.

So enter Shane Hollander who grew up in locker rooms. He has spent most of his life courting and thriving on male attention purely by necessity. If you want to do well at sport you need to perform at a level that catches the attention of your (male) coaches and your (male) teammates and your (male) rivals on the opposing team. As a gay man, this almost definitely crossed some wires for him. He wants every man in that room to want to be him. He wants every man in that room to want him, sickly and carnally. And some of this is latent and internalized to hell while some of it he is painfully aware of, most notably when he is jerking off and allows himself to think about kneeling in a room full of men who are all fighting over who gets to fuck him first--

I mean, you get the POINT.

So yeah Shane thrives in groups of men. He's their guy, he's their good hockey boy. The inherent assumed heterosexuality of the spaces he orbits in allow him to flirt kind of WILDLY with some of these guys and nobody is any the wiser because these highly masculine spaces are also, paradoxically, highly homoerotic to the point where male bonding is valued highest above almost any other relationship one can have. And Shane, who is Actually Gay and genuinely does WANT that attention, even latently, is very good at male bonding (read: flirting.) You'll look great in silver, Vaughny. See You In October [wink].

Crucially, Shane doesn't really realize that he's doing any of this.

It's probably part of how Ilya clocks his shit. The way Shane behaved around him at the CCM shoot is probably not all that different from how Shane approached other men in his social sphere who he wanted to impress or to be impressed by him. But Ilya, who is enlightened to those tactics by being actually queer, sees it for what it is.

The other major key factor in Shane's ability to thrive in rooms full of men is that he very early on becomes an object of envy for these guys. He's hockey Jesus. He's a generational talent. Honestly, some of these guys probably WOULD like to fuck Shane Hollander if they had it in writing that it didn't make them gay, no way, doesn't count if it's Shane Hollander, that's basically the same as putting your dick in hockey itself,

And yeah maybe that's also something that Shane has fantasies about.

Then again, the pick me analogy isn't perfect because Shane actually IS in a position to be coveted by the people whose attention he craves, just not in any way that is actually accessible to him. And not in any way that he would actually admit to himself he wants.

Again, this is part of the reason why his relationship with Ilya goes down the way it does. Part of Shane KNOWS that he is Ilya Rozanov's perfect little slut and that Ilya Does Not Know How To Quit Him. At some point years down the line Shane will actually be able to admit this to himself and it WILL make him a slightly worse version of himself, but only in ways that make Ilya that much more insane about him.