Agreed, for the most part. Back in the day we weren’t equipped to understand such things – not by our language, nor our upbringing. Niall’s focus during losing his virginity is Ruben, and how it’s a reward that he should appreciate. There’s also an element of wanting to please Ruben. Because it was happening so suddenly, quickly and intensely, I don’t think Niall even had a chance to really protest. Would Ruben/Mona stop if he did? Probably not, they would just turn it into a joke, frame it as you said it, a rite of passage. I’m also burdened by knowledge of law cases – what happened to Niall at that point would simply not be classified as rape back then, and probably not now. An additional issue is the pleasure that Niall felt during the assault (caused both by Mona and Ruben); victims of sexual violence often disregard it because of it, which we see later with Ruben (well, we see him struggle with it, but my point stands).
The concept of consent was much murkier 30, 40 years ago than it is now, and especially when it comes to sexual violence between persons of the same gender. Hell, we don’t have to dig that deep, everyone who ever heard of marital rape, which wasn’t considered rape at all knows that. What we, as – I assume – sex positive people see as clear rape, other people might not. For the longest time, rape meant “forced penetrative sex with a penis that brings the perpetrator sexual gratification” (that’s an important distinction, because I don’t want to remember how many cases of penetration with objects I’ve read about that were classified as an assault at best). With that in mind, would an adult Niall know that being penetrated with an ornament is rape? Well, yes and no.
See, I’ve said before, but I think Niall must have experienced some unwanted sexual behaviour during his cruising years. What’s deemed acceptable in anonymous encounters was (is) much different compared to what would be considered “normal” in other kinds of relations. It has to be mentioned that sex between men was (is) generally more violent (one of the reasons would be preference, of course, but many of their men were closeted and, consequently, homophobic). So, adult Niall would be somewhat used to aggressive sexual behaviours and consider them as a part of the deal (see how he himself acted with the parking lot twink).
At the same time, I think that because of the element of penetration in the hospital scene, something crumbles in Niall’s perception of what Ruben has done to him. Not at the moment – at the moment it’s a part of the violence – but later. That’s why he sees that “it’s too much” in prison – he instinctually knows something similar happened to him by Ruben’s hand, and he would have to confront this beast, maybe name it.
What’s interesting, Ruben is aware of the sexual implications of his act, but puts a wall between his own sexual desires and perceived Niall’s desires (This is what you've always wanted from me). They both downplay it severely, just from two different angles.
All in all, would Niall ever use the word “rapist” while describing Ruben? No, I don’t think so. There’s so much violence present in their relationship that I don’t think he would focus on that, especially because – again – he would have to admit his sexual attraction to Ruben while he didn’t think Ruben was sexually attracted to him. And one more thing: to Niall, post Ruben's prison confession, the only rapist in the story is Ruben's father. While I believe there was hatred towards Ruben in his heart, he loved him too much to consciously equate him to that kind of monster.
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