Dareiaious

mmmmmmm whatcha say

[iwantoceans]

Heated rivalry textposts (pt 8/?)

[lavenderprose]

Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.

[penandinkprincess]

ilya at the cottage after learning about shane's allergies and remembering that he had a snickers bar IN HIS HAND ABOUT TO BE BOUGHT in the airport on his way here and changed his mind at the last possible second

[penandinkprincess]

Ok but the Cents thinking Ilya is the one with the allergies, which still wouldn’t really change much because of the maintaining safe kisses of it all, but it does mean Shane is pulled into the danger zone multiple times so they can discreetly ask about food while literally holding the equivalent of poison five inches from his face specifically while Ilya is distracted

GOD

someone SO earnestly holding up something they brought to shane to try and ask if it's safe for ilya and shane is pulling back as much as he can when he's being pulled into this huddle and just "?? for?? ilya?? yeah, that's fine for him."

and everyone is *deep breath of relief* okay great.

and then like ten minutes later they end up getting in trouble when ilya sees The Contaminant in the sacred space of Safe Food, and they're like !! not our fault!!! hollander said it was fine!!

and now SHANE is in trouble with ilya and is just like !! they asked if it was fine for YOU!! it IS fine for you!!!

[shanyshko]

we need to discuss how in tampa shane hollander went to the pool just to lay on his deck chair and ogle ilya. this is shane hollander we're talking about. in february of a season. he's not even conceivably swimming laps or something he's literally just there to ogle. hedonist

[penandinkprincess]

the post about Shane building peanut tolerance reminds me of my brother. he HATED the taste of peanuts and would swallow reese’s pieces like pills. and he can smell peanuts from the other side of house. i’m picturing ilya opening a granola bar or something and shane yelling “I SMELL PEANUTS” and ilya being like “how is your nose better than anya’s????”

ilya celebrating shane's new tolerance by eating a pb granola bar in the kitchen for the first time and shane from UPSTAIRS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE yells out "PEANUTS?"

ilya:

[eightyonextwentyfour]

[penandinkprincess]

okay but ilya back in boston after the cottage who has already started learning allergy friendly cooking and done experiments on his own because he wants to NAIL IT the next time he sees shane, to the end result one day that he's at a party and overhears a convo at a table of WAGs where one is complaining about doing an elimination diet to try and pinpoint allergens and she wants a good cake option because it sucks for kiddo to be doing this during their birthday but they REALLY need to get to the bottom of this-

and ilya wanders over and joins the conversation and starts?? recommending?? blogs??? "nut free natalie has really good plain vanilla. it does go kind of flat, though, i think because of sea level? but if you add 1/2 tsp more baking soda and-"

and the WAGs are all??? since when??? does roz know this??? and word gets around because he is a good captain and checks in on the family and ends up chit chatting about allergies and making suggestions based on what he's been researching since he's had a few months of this now and everyone is??? d-does roz?? have allergies? no?? they've SEEN HIM eating this stuff???

and then he moves to ottawa and someone has a (wildly incorrect lmao) lightbulb moment of "oh my GOD!!! ROZANOV HAS A KID WITH ALLERGIES!" they know about montreal jane and figured he was moving up to ottawa to be closer to her anyway, and a kid being in the picture (especially a kid who might have medical needs a la food allergies) would absolutely make sense for him suddenly moving up there after years. and some of the team is a little hurt he wouldn't say anything, but he does get some ruthless press and jane seems really private so maybe?? it's her request???

and naturally gossip flows a little to the point that it makes it to the ottawa team, and i mean? yeah? makes sense? roz is so rigorous about allergies and keeping his place allergy free? maybe the kid and jane come on the weekends or something?? or maybe it's like a week on week off situation??

and eventually shane is down in boston playing and a member of montreal is friends with someone on boston, so the gossip gets passed along that roz left boston to move up to ottawa to be with jane and their kid. and NATURALLY this becomes THE topic in the locker room that evening afterwards. and shane coming back from press hears this and is??? what?? the fuck are you talking about???

"yeah, it's what smythe on the boston team said. apparently roz moved up because their kid is sick or something?? no one's sure."

shane that night texts ilya, "apparently?? we have a kid together??"

and gets, "??? damn, hollander. you should have told me. I would have paid child support."

[lycanthropicture]

tumblr is so good. whole website dedicated to BITCHING and MOANING. and television

[becauseimamastermind]

[orathearsonman]

i love game changer because the most incomprehensible bits will come outta there and i just know im NEVER going to be able to explain “Sepia tone. I’m gonna kill him so much. Al Pacino” to ANYONE

[starofhisheart]

Happy pride to those 5 seconds where Charlie Swan thought Jacob was coming out to him in the most insane way possible

[haarute]

josh ruben game changer meltdown

[thulium]

[sesamie]

"family function"...? i didn't know it could do that

[dandeliont3aandsageleaves]

"Brennan is the best game changer contestant" this "Brennan is so competitive" that

Okay well I've never watched in fear as Brennan hit a bong full of whisky for a game changer now have I

[knownqueerbaiter]

ilya trying to show david hollander a meme on his phone, david having to physically take the phone to hold it 2 feet from his face looking at it over his glasses, staring at it for 15 solid seconds reading it aloud under his breath, and then politely asking ilya “you know this person?”