Summary: After Nadezh previous identity as the Firebreather, notorious Supervillain, was revealed, she thought she’d lose everything. She’s never been so happy to be wrong.
You can read Nadezh' first story (HERE)
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It’s decided that Nadezh will work in the finance department of Hero Force. She hates to leave her civilian job and her coworkers seeing the success of her budget fully bloom, but the other option is wearing the power suppressors 24/7, and their power frequency vibrates through her engagement ring in a way that reminds her of a bee buzzing, and she won’t take the ring off so.
The interview is a formality but they make her do it anyway. She prepares for it over the course of seven days, making Gannon rehearse every hypothetical question with her until the last minute.
Until the last minute meaning on the drive to Hero Force for the interview.
“There is a discrepancy in the packaging budget,” Gannon reads. He’s used to her driving and doesn’t flinch when she merges too quickly, and a chorus of Chicago drivers chastise her loudly. “There is a flat rate for three different sizes of package. According to the average order value and average product mix, packaging should be $3.5k—Nadezh, Hero Force doesn’t have a commerce division, I don’t think this is necessary.”
Nadezh knows the rest of this question. What steps would you take to reconcile actual and planned? “Of course, there’s the option to conduct a forensic audit, however—”
“We do have a forensic finance department,” Gannon concedes, “but that’s not—”
“—first would be to observe the whole packaging process. While there is a flat rate for all three package sizes that doesn’t mean all orders are being packaged for efficiency—”
Gannon reaches for her knee, thinks better of it, considering her foot on the gas pedal, and diverts to her shoulder. He squeezes, and all of the tension in her back magically eases. “Babe. You’re already overqualified. You’re going to do great.”
They’ve already had this argument, so Nadezh doesn’t say Overqualified? It’s amazing they’re even letting me into a Hero Force building, I could be the President and I still wouldn’t be qualified considering my past. Instead, she says, “Right. Right, thanks. You’re right. Right.”
“Right,” Gannon says seriously.
“Right,” she says and takes the next exit.
“Riiiiiiight.”
By the time they pull into the parking garage, Nadezh is laughing at the increasingly bizarre ways Gannon says the word right. The word barely has meaning anymore, and she’s fairly certain that if anyone else heard Hero Zone sounding so goat-like, they’d send him to psych for an evaluation.
Nadezh gets out of the car first, hurrying before he can say anything else that will set her off.
“Go save the day,” she says. Her face hurts from smiling. She tosses him the keys over the roof of the car after she closes the door. “I can get the train back.”
Gannon rounds the bumper and presses them back into her hand. He kisses her forehead. “No public transport from HQ.”
She blinks, the spot his lips touched tingling. “Is that a rule?”
“Our house rule,” Gannon says. He smiles reassuringly at her. “Just a precaution. I know too many people who get made getting followed out of HQ.”
Gannon always explains himself even though she never asks. Her heart is racing at our house rules. They have house rules. They’re engaged. They’re going to get married. She lifts her chin for a kiss. “I love you.”
“Love you.” He kisses her.
Kissing Gannon is the closest she feels to her powers these days. The warmth that runs through her, the heat in her cheeks, the pounding of her heart – actually she takes it back. It’s not like her power at all. It’s better than her power.
“Break it up!” a man calls from across the parking garage.
Electricity shoots through Nadezh. She didn’t hear him come up behind her. She tries to pull away from Gannon, to turn and protect them, but his hands on her shoulders stop her. Her brain catches up a moment later. Gannon is relaxed, warm brown eyes still happy. The voice is familiar.
“It’s not goodbye yet,” another voice says grumpily. This time Nadezh recognizes the speaker. When her tension eases, Gannon lifts his hands long enough for her to turn and greet Flare. He drapes his arms over Nadezh’s shoulders. Flare’s eye twitches. “There’s, like, a whole elevator ride to go.”
“There’s cameras in the elevator,” Gannon says.
Nadezh still doesn’t know what to make of Gannon’s Hero team. Omit – the leader of the team – is decent. Fast, sound decisions on the field, always knows when to retreat, which is important when your team is made of B and C-rank heroes. His power – to eliminate an object from the enemy’s perception during battle – makes her uneasy. Despite his openness with her, she can’t erase the suspicion that he’s using his powers on her from her mind.
She likes Flare. The woman is bright and bubbly, almost six inches shorter than Nadezh, with all the energy of a hummingbird. Though she’s stationed on Gannon’s team, she’s in high demand across the city. There aren’t many fliers out there, and although her dragonfly wings aren’t exactly subtle, she’s fast enough and strong enough to conduct recon across Lake Michigan. Flare keeps Gannon safe when he’s out saving the world. Nobody sneaks up on them with her around.
Mostly.
“Us singles are feeling left out,” Omit says and tries to drape an arm over Flare’s shoulders.
Flare flits away. “Interview today?” she asks Nadezh.
“Right,” Nadezh says.
Gannon’s burst of surprised laughter lasts all the way to Nadezh’s floor where he waves goodbye breathlessly.
Even with his mask obstructing the crow’s feet she loves, Nadezh savors the memory of his joy all the way to her interview.
----.
Agent Briston isn’t like any other agent Nadezh has ever seen. He’s in his sixties, round, bald, and wearing a sweater vest under his regulation suit jacket. She thinks there’s a reason agents like him are kept out of sight. He looks like an easy target—no. She doesn’t think about people as targets anymore. She means that he looks like the grandfather in a commercial about watches, the one who takes the vintage watch off of his own wrist to wrap it around the grandson’s with an air of gravity.
“This interview isn’t a guarantee, despite your…recommendations,” Agent Briston says the moment Nadezh sits down. His desk has nothing but a computer, a notepad, and a pen. Somehow the harried look on his face makes it seem cluttered with paper. “We don’t have the budget for many staff. We need to be selective.”
Nadezh resists the urge to pull at the Hero Force regulation mask on her face or the power suppressors around her wrists. Part of her agreement with Foresight was that she’d wear the cuffs whenever Gannon wasn’t with her. The blue glow feels ostentatious, and she hopes Agent Briston won’t turn her down based on them. “Understood, sir.”
“Briston,” Agent Briston says. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Only the heroes call me sir. My staff calls me Briston.”
Nadezh nods. “I’m Nadezh Mel—”
“No last names, Nadezh,” Briston says. He pulls his glasses from a desk drawer and puts them on. He squints at his computer. “Now. Tell me. Do you have accounting experience?”
“Yes, si—Briston.”
Briston’s thick white eyebrows raise and he abandons his computer to focus back on Nadezh. He seems skeptical. “Really?”
“I created the office budget for my last company,” Nadezh says. She has a better way to say this, she rehearsed this with Gannon— “My plan allowed for the purchase of new chairs and a copier.”
Briston stares at her. “You really have accounting experience.”
Did he not hear her? Or did she answer incorrectly? “I-I was also part of the team that allocated reinvestment funds—”
“Foresight’s recruits never have accounting experience.”
“—and payroll for over 500 employees—”
“Payroll!” Briston looks up at the ceiling. “She does payroll!”
“I—I’m sorry?” she says. She can’t read his tone. Is he disappointed or being sarcastic? She scrambles for her next interview answer. “I have a bachelor’s in accounting from Illinois State, but I plan to complete my master’s in the next five years—”
Briston makes a sound she’s only ever heard from frightened raccoons. “You’re hired,” Briston declares. He reaches over the desk to shake her hand. “I’ll draw up a counteroffer before noon.”
Confused, Nadezh shakes his hand. His grip is surprisingly strong. “Sir? The terms of my employment should already be in my file.” Foresight had made it clear she’d be starting at the bottom level of the pay scale.
“We aren’t paying my new director that,” Briston says. “We’ll start double that and see what they counter offer.”
“They? Aren’t you in charge of salary approvals?” Nadezh asks. Then, as his words sink in, “Director?!”
Briston beams at her. “Experience, a degree, and common sense! We’ll settle for 30% higher than the initial offer with a condition for an additional 10% at the next performance review.”
“Director,” Nadezh says. When Briston doesn’t answer, ignoring her in favor of typing feverishly, Nadesh says with surety, “You’re joking.”
Briston hums and doesn’t answer her.
“Right?”
----.
Briston isn’t joking.
Gannon takes a dazed Nadezh out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. The private room he reserves is in the back of a Japanese restaurant run by a former Superhero. There are flowers on the table, candles strategically placed around the room, soundproofing on the walls, and a chilled bottle of Nadezh's favorite white wine waiting. She processes all of this distantly. She makes Gannon read her employment contract between bites of sushi. Bemused, he dutifully announces her employed status and starting salary whenever she asks.
“Guess I shouldn’t have listened to the rumors about the department head,” Gannon says. Rather than surprised, his voice carries an element of relief. “You’re barely taking a salary cut with this.”
“Cut? This is a ten percent raise,” Nadezh hisses. She stares at her green tea. “Does Foresight know?” A jolt of sick fear floods with her. “I didn’t make Briston give me a raise, I swear!”
“Nadezh, of course you didn’t,” Gannon says. He reaches across the table to nudge at her clenched hands. Automatically, she unfurls them to reveal half-moon indents from her nails. He slides his palm against hers. “You deserve this.”
“But Foresight might think—”
“He won’t.” Gannon picks up his chopsticks with his left hand, content to let his right keep holding hers so that her dominant hand is free. He’s clumsier with them and frowns as he chases salmon roe around his plate. “Briston has almost unilateral say in the finance department. Nobody can sway him. He’s known for being short-tempered, cheap, and stubborn. I’m sure Foresight will just be grateful he finally hired someone.”
Nadezh narrows her eyes. “You said you didn’t know the person interviewing me.”
“Oops?” Gannon finally catches the salmon roe under a bite of rice and pops it in his mouth. He chews innocently. “Did I?”
“Fess up.”
“It’s not like I know a lot. People say Briston fires more than he hires.” Gannon’s eyes shift to the side. “Aaaand that he can be heard yelling whenever it’s time to calculate overtime expenses. Or whenever the armory submits their expense report. Or when the audit team comes back with city damage claims. Or when—”
Nadezh drops her head into her free hand, letting her long black hair hide her for a moment. She forgot that Hero Force accountants dealt with destroyed skyscrapers and medical leave for when you got your arms ripped off in a fight, not copiers and desk chairs. “You didn’t think to mention any of this before the interview?!”
“You were freaked out enough.” Gannon pauses in the way he does when he’s about to say what he’s really thinking so Nadezh doesn’t interrupt. She waits as he chews until he finally says, “I’m glad he bumped your salary. I was starting to feel guilty.”
Nadezh’s hand spasms around Gannon’s. “Guilty?”
“Yeah,” Gannon says. His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I argued against making you leave your job. Said it made Hero Force the sort of organization everyone always accuses us of being. Overreaching and, well…cruel.”
“You didn’t tell me about that either.” Had he been thinking that this whole time? While she made him practice interview questions with her? Did he think she was forcing herself? The thought of Gannon feeling even a tenth of the gnawing guilt that lives inside her makes her want to throw up. Nadezh shakes her head and leans across the table. She’s glad for the private room and how it allows her to show him how his words affect her. “Babe, you don’t have anything—"
“I know how hard you worked for that job,” Gannon interrupts. He licks his lips. Now it’s his turn to stare at his tea. “Please, just…listen.”
Nadezh would do anything Gannon asked. She squeezes his hand again and fights the words bubbling up her throat like lava.
“We haven’t really talked since that day,” Gannon says. He’s a Hero; he makes himself look into her eyes. “I haven’t really talked. I’ve been afraid to. I know your past isn’t…isn’t good. I do. And I know that you don’t want to forget about it or pretend it doesn’t exist.”
She wants to, but she can’t. Like hunger and emptiness, she doesn’t think Gannon will ever understand the weight she carries from the harm she’s done. The screams she’d once reveled in now haunt her in ways she could never have guessed. But he’s talking to her, so she doesn’t explain. She listens.
“I feel like I’ve been making you give up everything for me,” Gannon confesses in a rush. He speaks faster as her eyes widen, like if he makes his sentences a big enough river, she won’t be able to dam it up. “Your first civilian job, your past, and your freedom to do whatever you want to do – because you could do anything, you really could – and even your powers.” He rubs his thumb over the underside of her wrist where the power suppressors sit during working hours. His face crumples. “Every morning, I will have to take you to put them on. It’s…I hate it. It feels like I’m abandoning you, or like I’m part of your punishment, or like I’m not being the partner you deserve.”
She starts, half rising from her seat. “Gannon! How could you—?”
His grip is strong on her hand, and he gestures for her to sit with a quick jerk of his chin. His eyes close tight. “Please, Nadezh.”
She quiets.
It takes him a long time to start speaking again. He remains quiet until he’s able to look her in the eyes again. “You…that day. The day you saved my and my team’s life.”
The day she thought her fairytale had come to an end. Even now, the memory of his blank eyes as she revealed the red and gold costume of the Firebreather, one of the world’s most notorious and deadly supervillains, follows her. The cold wind whipping across the ship’s deck, the pillars of ice gleaming in the sun, his team haltingly asking her if she was going to take over the boat…and his eyes. The pain that ripped through her when she realized she would lose him was worse than anything she’d ever experienced. It had made her realize that she’d been a shell for years until she met him, that she’d been nothing until he showed her a world where she could be someone. In that moment, she’d known that she’d wasted his time on a dead end. That their dream to get married would never be the same if it happened at all and she had robbed him in her greed.
But he remembers it as the day she saved his life rather than dooming his future.
“I became a hero to save people,” Gannon says. His lips thin. “How did I put it? That day at the diner? To share the relief of having the day saved.” His face twists in a way she can’t understand. “You must have thought I was so naïve.”
“No,” she says simply.
He raises their hands so he can kiss the back of hers. “Thank you. I think I was naïve. Being a hero seemed simple, looking at the world that way, like everyone wanted to be saved and, in turn, wanted to one day go on to save someone else. Every moment of salvation would get repaid. Good things would always happen to good people.”
Well, when he put it like that.
Gannon continues, “But when I saw you standing there, dressed as the Firebreather, being saved was…different. It was all different.” He swallows hard. “For the first time, I realized saving the day wasn’t so simple. You had to reveal your identity to do it. You had to put your freedom and everything you worked for on the sidelines. Even us. You were ready to do it even if it meant we never got the chance to be married. I could tell that you weren’t going to let that stop you. You were going to save the day. Instead of being relieved, I felt afraid.”
A small noise of protest builds in Nadezh’s throat. “Afraid of me?”
“No!” Gannon’s eyes widen and he leans over the table. “No, never. Never, Nadezh. Even when that last fireball singed the toes of my boots, I didn’t flinch for a moment. I knew you would never hurt me.”
Nadezh’s laugh is watery. “So that’s why you threw out those boots.”
“Regulation is closed toe,” Gannon says gravely. He plays with her fingers. “I was afraid because I realized there was a cost that I wasn’t willing to pay, but you were.”
“I couldn’t let you die,” Nadezh says.
“I know.” Gannon clears his throat and adjusts his grip on her hand so that he can feel her pulse against his thumb. “I know. I’m not saying that’s wrong. Just…it was hard, wasn’t it?” His brown eyes search hers. “You knew before you even left the apartment to find me that you were going to lose everything.”
“But I didn’t,” Nadezh points out.
“But that’s what you thought.”
She can’t deny that.
“Saving the day is easy when it’s just a job,” Gannon says. “That day, I realized that I’d never really been a hero. It was a job, an important one, but not one that was going to take anything I wasn’t willing to give. That same job was the reason I let myself just stand there as Hero Force took you into custody. Like a coward. I hate myself for that moment.” His voice is raw with the admission. His free hand curls into a fist. “I should have run with you then.”
Nadezh barks a disbelieving laugh. It’s inappropriate, but the idea of Hero Zone, the most honorable hero in Chicago, running away with a supervillain is ridiculous. She hides her incredulity. “That’s—”
“I’m serious, Nadezh.” Gannon’s eyes burn through her, gaze unflinching. Her pulse jumps under his thumb. “I still think that. We could run now. Settle down somewhere and be civilians. Never show up on Hero Force radar again. Like Bonnie and Clyde hiding out from the law.”
“That’s not funny.” Try as she might, Nadezh can’t find any trace of humor on Gannon’s face. Her eyes dart around the room. When she can’t find any cameras, she leans forward and hisses, “Don’t even joke about that. You love being a hero.”
“I love being with you,” Gannon says. This time when he smiles the mole under his eye disappears with the force of it. “I told you, all I want is to marry you. No job will ever be worth more than that. So…” His smile wavers for a moment before he fixes it in place. “What do you say? Will you run away with me?”
Fuck. Her mind leaps ahead. They could get a place in the mountains. She knows how much Gannon misses his hometown on the East Coast. His family has long since disappeared from those ridges and valleys, but she can see him there, facing the sun with his arms held over his head in triumph. A field sprawled out below him blooms with green and a house sits just beyond that with a gently smoking chimney. Could she belong there too? With him?
Gannon mistakes her silence. “You wouldn’t have to wear the power suppressors ever again or worry about Briston yelling or what Hero Force will make you do. It could be just you and me like we always imagined. Together.”
Is he pleading with her? Begging her to say yes?
There will always be a part of her that wants to. The greedy and selfish part that wants to keep him all to herself, like the doll in her childhood that unraveled at the seams after only a month. The part of her that could hide him away is familiar. Too familiar.
“No.”
Gannon’s face falls. “No?”
“Not because I don’t want us,” she assures. Somehow, she feels lighter. Is this what’s been sitting silently between them this whole time? She could laugh. “I do. But I think you’re misunderstanding something. You’re not the reason why I’m cooperating with Hero Force.” She thinks over her words and then rephrases. “You’re not the only reason.”
“I’m not?” Gannon backtracks. “I mean, it’s not a problem if I’m not, but I thought…well. I thought given what you said in the interrogation room…”
“You will always be the love of my life,” Nadezh says. She finds the words as she says them. She’s had a lot of time to think about this – Gannon is not the first one to think what it’d be like to run away. “That will never change. It’s just…” Private room, she reminds herself. No one will be able to hear. She confesses, “I want to change. I don’t want to be the Firebreather anymore.”
“You’re not!”
Keep him, no one can stop you, power suppressors barely work once we really get up to temperature—Nadezh stops those thoughts firmly in their tracks. “There are parts of me that still are. I was afraid when I revealed who I was, but since then look how far I’ve come. You know all of me and you’re still here.” She lets her wonder and hope leak into her voice. Some mornings she wakes up to him by her side and can’t fathom how the universe let someone with hands as stained as hers have something so good. “I have a job. I have a way to give back for all the harm I caused. I…I think confronting my past has given me a chance to grow like I haven’t done before. A year ago, I couldn’t even accept the proposal from the man I love more than life itself. Now? I know that I can walk into work every day and have those power suppressors put on me by Hero Force -not you - and I can hold my head high.”
“Not me? Nadezh, I’m your containment,” Gannon says. His expression is tortured in the candlelight. “You say it’s Hero Force, but it’s me. I’m the one holding you back. Foresight said that Firebreather was sufficiently contained by my side, he awarded me custody—”
“Are you feeling guilty over that?” Nadezh’s mouth drops open. “Gannon, seriously?”
“I feel like I’m choosing to be your captor over being your fiancé,” Gannon says.
“Just like how you knew I would never hurt you, I know you would never hurt me. I wouldn’t even have to use my powers. I know the second I didn’t want to put those cuffs on, you wouldn’t.”
“I’m still—”
“No.” Nadezh won’t allow any room for confusion here. “Gannon. Stop. I am the one choosing to do this. That day I gave you a choice, remember? I said that you could walk away and I would be—” fine is a strong word “—I would understand. I was going to keep the memory of us agreeing to get married and let you walk away.”
There’s gravel in Gannon’s voice. He reaches across the table to capture her other hand. “I would never change my mind.”
“I believe you.” He was patient with her, waiting for her to believe it. She holds his hands back. “I believe you. So here’s what I’m asking. You gave me a choice just now. Stay or run away. Please believe me when I say I want to stay.”
“Even if it means I have to be your captor?” he asks, anguished.
She nearly snaps at the question. Isn’t he listening to what she’s saying? His tone stills her. She studies him. His eyes are teary, and she can feel his hands tremble in hers. “This really bothers you.”
He nods wordlessly.
She tries to put herself in his shoes. She imagines that he’s working as a henchman who used to be a hero. She imagines putting cuffs on him before work every day, knowing that he’d be helpless if the Villain ever decided to turn on him—She winces. “Maybe we can ask Omit to put on the cuffs instead?”
“I…we could try that,” Gannon says after a long moment. He breathes in through his nose. Out through his mouth. In through his nose. Then, “I really ruined this celebration dinner, huh?”
She snorts. Both of their eyes are red and swollen despite neither of them crying. “This is about how most of my celebration dinners have gone. Better, actually. Nobody is screaming and nothing’s on fire.”
“Yet,” Gannon says.
“See? There’s still hope.” They’ve been talking for so long that her wine is warm. She grimaces as she swallows. “Hey, captor? I think it’s time you took me to a secondary location.”
“That’s not funny.” Despite his words, Gannon’s lips twitch as he stands and pushes in his chair. “I’m really upset about that.”
Nadezh follows him to the door. She caresses his shoulder, ostensibly checking him for dust, but really needing the contact. “Should I comfort you?”
Gannon drops back to put his arm around her shoulders. “Hmmm, keep talking.”
“I think I have Stockholm syndrome—”
“I change my mind. No more talking.”
Nadezh laughs. “Riiiight.”
It’s not perfect. Nadezh knows that the conversation isn’t over. There’s a guardedness in Gannon she’s never seen before when talking about Hero Force. He doesn’t believe her, not yet. But that’s okay.
She’ll be around to convince him.
(Except for 9am-5pm Monday through Friday. She somehow doesn’t think Briston would take kindly to a hero responsible for flooding the docks every other week hanging around the office.)
----
Thanks for reading! If you'd like to support me and what I do, please consider checking out my Patreon where I post all sorts of pieces earlier than I do on Tumblr!
Next week I have the continuation of my Cinderella retelling going up there first and then here later in March. You can read Cinderella here (Tumblr X) (PatreonX)
Okay I’m currently furious that migraines are often so blindly easy to treat and I had to find this out myself at the age of 26 when I’ve been to a neurologist since I was 11 lol so I’m about to teach you two neat and fast little tricks to deal with pain!
The first is the sternocleidomastoid muscle, or the SCM muscle.
This big red section is responsible for pain around the eye, cheekbone, and jaw, as well as some temple pain. Literally all you have to do is angle your head down a little, angle it away from the side that hurts, and then you can gently pinch and rub that muscle. I find it best to start at the bottom and travel upwards. The relief is so immediate! You can increase pressure as you feel comfortable doing so.
Here is a short and easy video showing this in action
The second is a fast and easy stretch that soothes your vagus nerve, which is the nerve responsible for calming you down. The vagus nerve, for those unfamiliar, is stimulated by deep breathing such as yawning, sighing, singing, or taking a deep breath to calm your anger in a tense situation.
You can stretch this out by sitting up as straight as possible (this does not have to be perfect to work) and interlacing your fingers. Put your hands on the back of your head with your thumbs going down the sides of your neck and, while keeping your face forward, look all the way to one side with just your eyes. Hold that until you feel the urge to breathe deeply or yawn, or until you can tell there’s a change. Then do the same thing on the other side. When you put your arms down, you should clearly be able to turn your head farther in both directions. If the first session doesn’t get rid of your migraine, rest and repeat as many times as necessary. I even get a little fancy with it and roll my eyes up and down along the outer edge sometimes to stretch as much as I can.
If you need a visual here’s a good video on it. I know some of the language they use seems questionable but this is real and simple science and should not be discarded because it’s been adopted by the trendy wellness crowd!
I seriously cannot believe I didn’t hear a word of this from any doctor in my life. Additionally, if you get frequent recurring migraines, you may want to see a dietician. Migraines can be caused by foods containing histamines, lectin, etc. and can also be caused by high blood pressure in specific situations such as exercise, stress, and even sex.
If any of this information helps you I’d love to hear it btw! It’s so so fast and easy to do. Good luck!
I LOVE Excel! I took an Excel class during University and I’ve never stopped using or learning about it since. During my summer internship, I would literally use Excel functions and macros for hours every single day. Even if you don’t want to be an Excel fanatic, learning a few basic functions will make your life easier (and even impress a few managers along the way!).
I’ve outlined below some of the most useful Excel functions to learn. Some of these functions are very basic but can make a huge difference. These functions save time, automate procedures, and make your life easier! And if you need some help on how to learn them, I’ve listed some helpful resources to get you started. With all of us social distancing at home, now is as good of a time as any to add a skill to your resume.
Excel Functions to Know:
SUM: returns sum of cells selected
SUMPRODUCT: multiplies ranges or arrays together and returns the sum of product
IF: return one value for a TRUE result and another for a FALSE result
SUMIF: returns the sum of cells if the cell meets a single condition
AVERAGEIF: computes the average of the numbers in a range that meets a certain criteria
VLOOKUP: lookup and retrieve data from a specific column in a table can be exact or approximate match
LEFT: returns a given number of characters from the left side of text string
RIGHT: returns a given number of characters from the right side of text string
CONCATENATE: joins the text of cells together and returns the joined text in one cell
LENGTH: returns the given number of characters in a text
Resources:
Excel Jet: Very useful as a type of Excel dictionary to look up syntax and specific formulas you don’t know
Excel Easy: almost like on online textbook for Excel (great resource for those who have no knowledge of Excel at all!)
Udemy: paid excel course with lots of videos, assignments, and downloadable resources
Coursera: self-paced learning option, quizzes and assignments, and a course certificate
Excel Youtube Course by Technology for Teachers and Students
Datacamp (7/12/20 edit thanks anon for the suggestion!)
Prologue to my Excel series
I’ll also be posting Excel tips, tricks, function explanations, and some basic Excel tutorials so if you’d like to see more appear on your dash in the future, follow my blog and look for my Excel series.
one of my patients came in for an emergency visit, because she snapped the wire on her retainer watching the movie when MBJ took his shirt off she clenched her teeth so fucking hard she snapped it. that is the fucking funniest shit ever to me this tiny 17 year old girl thirsting so goddamn hard she busted steel
I am mad about cellphone cameras hiding the processing they do, and I am glad about software that lets me control it and opt in and out, and I dictated this rant on insta so I am resharing the images here and will attempt to turn this into a useful text post on my blog in future, when my hand is working better 🤘👍
and here's an example of exactly how much this means to me -- I've been really feeling like I'm terrible at photographing my own work, especially watercolour, and i can't seem to really capture what makes a painting special in person.
here's some examples of my attempts to photograph this sketchbook painting using the native camera app on my phone:
it's grainy, blotchy, the colours feel off, the contrast is too much... it really doesn't capture what's on paper in front of me!
so then i try with the processing turned off in Open Camera:
people love to complain about sex scenes in tv shows and violence in movies when the real danger is scenes that make you feel second hand embarrassment.
(Bruce Wayne voice) I’m Bruce Wayne, from Gotham City, I’m participating in Nailed It! because for years I’ve tried to learn how to bake to impress my father [cuts to old pic of baby Bruce trying to whisk in a bowl, wearing a crooked chef hat, Alfred trying to help him with a really loving look on his face], and- (someone in the background yells LIAR!!) (Bruce covers his face, the background music stops) fine I lost a bet to one of my kids and they thought it would be hilarious for me to participate because I’m terrible in the kitchen [cuts to picture of grown Bruce with a pan on fire, looking absolutely frantic, sad trombone sound] [the people behind the camera laugh]
First challenge is recreating justice league cake pops, the camera zooms into Bruce who has the biggest forced smile ever on his face as he holds a cute green lantern pop.
Bruce: nailed it!
Nicole: (cackling as the camera zooms into the ugliest cake pop her eyes have ever laid on) WHAT IS THAT!
Bruce, as the camera pans into the details of the mess of a pop: personally I think it’s an accurate depiction of green lantern
The cake challenge is making a giant cake with ALL the known batvigilantes in Gotham.
As bruce whisks in a bowl midway the process, if you edit the clip to make it loud enough you could hear him muttering under his breath why the fuck did I adopt so many kids
Nicole: and I genuinely don’t know what mr wayne is doing over there (cackle) (camera cuts to Bruce frantically counting the figures before adding them to the final cake as he knows if he forgets any of them they would never let him live it down)
Nicole: oh I love the purple you chose for spoiler’s Cape! / Bruce: it’s actually eggplant but thank you nic!
Jacques: as….. lo…vely as this cake looks.. I can’t help but notice.. you forgot to add batman to it
Bruce: [makes a paper towel cowl and puts it over his face]
Bruce: [stands behind his cake and sort of looms there]
Bruce, as foppishly as possible: I’ll be being Batman. [doing the growly voice really badly] I’m Batman.
Voices behind the camera: [all laugh]
Paper Towel Batman goes viral in gif form.
(Also Bruce, cutting out Nightwing’s emblem in fondant: I want the vigilantes of Gotham to know that I am making these in a manner designed to be efficient, and not in order of how much I love them.
Host: That’s…nice?)
I appreciate this video a lot--people don't realize how important it is to start slow if you're trying to come back from a completely sedentary lifestyle, and they get really hurt as a result. Straining your muscles too much, too suddenly can land you in the E.R. and the wrong joint injury can permanently affect your mobility, so please start with absolute basics and easy stretches!
The Dungeon Meshi renaissance is making me want to share the resources that taught me how to cook.
Don’t forget, you can check out cookbooks from the library!
Smitten Kitchen: The rare recipe blog where the blog part is genuinely good & engaging, but more important: this is a home cook who writes for home cooks. If Deb recommends you do something with an extra step, it’s because it’s worth it. Her recipes are reliable & have descriptive instructions that walk you through processes. Her three cookbooks are mostly recipes not already on the site, & there are treasures in each of them.
Six Seasons: A New Way With Vegetables by Joshua McFadden: This is a great guide to seasonal produce & vegetable-forward cooking, and in addition to introducing me to new-to-me vegetables (and how to select them) it quietly taught me a number of things like ‘how to make a tasty and interesting puréed soup of any root veggie’ and ‘how to make grain salads’ and ‘how to make condiments’.
Grains for Every Season: Rethinking Our Way With Grains by Joshua McFadden: in addition to infodumping in grains, this codifies some of the formulas I picked up unconsciously just by cooking a lot from the previous book. I get a lot of mileage out of the grain bowl mix-and-match formulas (he’s not lying, you can do a citrus vinaigrette and a ranch dressing dupe made with yogurt, onion powder, and garlic powder IN THE SAME DISH and it’s great.)
SALT, FAT, ACID, HEAT by Samin Nosrat: An education in cooking theory & specific techniques. I came to it late but I think it would be a good intro book for people who like to front-load on theory. It taught me how to roast a whole chicken and now I can just, like, do that.
I Dream Of Dinner (so you don’t have to) by Ali Slagle: Ok, look, an important part of learning to cook & cooking regularly is getting kinda burned out and just wanting someone else to tell you what to make. These dinners work well as written and are also great tweakable bases you can use as a starting place.
If you have books or other resources that taught you to cook or that you find indispensable, add ‘em on a reblog.
Cooking Comically the site is hilarious and all the recipes are given with step by step picture instructions as well as a rating for how easy/difficult they are. They guy is really funny and has some great simple recipes on there. The book is also absolutely worth getting.
Throwing You Suck At Cooking into the mix - they're three to six minute long videos which alleviate the frustration of being Videos by being very funny in a deeply absurdist way that manages to work some very good, basic, dependable cooking tips in there (I still make lemonade based off of their video) and I believe the website has scripts of the episodes as well.
Also because I have had it on my mind and because this is always an Artanis Nerwen Alatariel Arafinwiel appreciation blog, let’s talk about the high-level shit going on with her gift to Gimli Gloinson.
Gift-giving isn’t just gift-giving: every single one of the gifts she gives is a big deal, including the pretty belts she gives Boromir and the younger hobbits, which might sometimes see like the kind of also-rans of the run. So let’s look at them.
how crazy do you think the AO3 authours notes are in gotham?
"Joker killed my grandma with a reindeer whilst playing 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' and i don't think i can continue to write this JokerBat fic anymore guys sorry :/ it just feels disrespectful."
“Look, I get if Batman/Clark Kent isn’t your cup of tea, but the guy writes more about Batman than anyone else outside of Gotham. There’s got to be a reason, is all I’m saying.”
“And here I am, jumping on the Batman/Bruce Wayne train like the rest of our beloved hellhole. Anyway, if you’re not from Gotham you can keep your criticisms to yourself or I will not be held responsible for the bloodshed that will occur should you insult our beloved sunshine child and his goth sugar baby. You don’t know them like we do.”
“Hey, sorry I haven’t updated in awhile. I died and then got caught up in this whole my-father-didn’t-avenge-me angst thing. Which was completely justified in my opinion. Anyway…”
“Let’s be honest, this entire series is dedicated to the fact that Red Hood could crush any of us with his thighs and we’d say thank you.”
“I just read a fic shipping Nightwing/Superman and I mean, come on. The author is clearly not from Gotham but I can never unsee that and I think I should be entitled to financial compensation.”
“Sorry it’s been awhile, I just got a new job! With the Best Boss™️ (if you know, you know). Also, my boss said he’d give a hundred bucks if I wrote a Batman bashing fic? Thoughts? Ngl I don’t think it’d even be that hard.”
“‘WHy aRE yoU WriTIng ABouT FakE SupERheROes WHen THe rEAl oNEs aRE riGHt tHEre?’ Uh, because it’s Gotham and they’re all a disaster? And also because I don’t want to be haunted by the venegeful spirits of robins past idk. Thinking of doing a crossover though. Batman in the Avengers? Thoughts?”
“I just want my husband Nightwing to be happy, is that too much to ask?”
“I came across Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy on my way home from school today and will now be hyperfixating on that ship, thanks.”
“Leave me and my 235k word fic of Prince!Bruce/Knight!Batman alone you Metropolis and Superman-loving traitors. This is not for you.”
“If someone is going to kill me over this fic, just please let it be Deathstroke.”
“Okay so hypothetically I work at Wayne Enterprises and the big boss man (the boss) maybe ships Superbat???? And saw me updating during my break?????? And asked how he could find it????????? Also rip, Mr. Timothy Drake Wayne Jr the Third, but your dad is one of us now and no upwards looking pleas are going to stop him.”
“My neighbor just gave me a thirty minute lecture on multiversal theory and I will now be incorporating that knowledge into my next fic in the most cursed way possible. And, I mean, the guy knows a crazy ton about the Justice League? But also, like, whose favorite gotham hero is Red Robin lmao?”
“Me: *scours the web for fic research purposes*
The mr. Batman on my computer: is_this_a_pigeon_batman_rogue_meme.jpg
[Alt text: is this a pigeon meme showing man with Batman mask over face holding up a sign that says nightwingsbabe. Text across bottom reads: is this a rogue?]”
“This fic is dedicated to that one time I saw Red Hood trip off a rooftop and Spolier laughing at it for twenty minutes. You are my new ship.”
“Just saw the newest episode of the Mandolorian and will now be shamelessly inserting Red Hood into the Star Wars universe. No I’m not projecting what are you talking about. Anyway, only love for papa hood here. Everyone else go die in metropolis or something idk.”
“Black Bat is the coolest bat. That has nothing to do with this fic I’ve just been hearing a lot of VERY WRONG opinions lately and needed to come set the record straight.”
“I’m not in a cult, I promise.”
“I’m from Gotham. You’ve been warned. Read the damn tags.”
“Major character death is the Joker. Because this is gotham and that’s the escapist fantasy we all engage in here.”
"look I tagged this fic with both Dead Dove: Do Not Eat AND author is from Gotham so you don't get to freak out about the gratuitous violence when you were explicitly warned that it was gonna get graphic"
"well I'm posting early but this hasn't been beta'd because my beta is currently detoxing after the last Scarecrow attack, so please be kind. And also maybe leave a kind word in the comments that I can share with my beta? They need it."
"sorry not an update just a note to let everyone know that this fic will be going on hiatus until the latest Arkham breakout is resolved - I'm okay, it's just that Gotham is going into a mandated blackout. You know how it is."
“Sorry I didn’t update I just got out of blackgate.”
“I’ve written so much about red hood that good keeps autocorrecting to hood. I’m completely normal about him I swear.”
“Two Face attacked the office last week and poor Mr Wayne was missing like the entire time. Can someone get that guy a bodyguard? And like, a therapist or something? Anyway, I’m home from the hospital now with plenty of time to write. Expect all the updates.”
“I got a disappointed dad sigh from nightwing. That has nothing to do with this I just wanted to share my emotional pain.”
“soooooo uh apparently being an insomniac writer with poor impulse control in Gotham has some benefits??? I was hanging out on my fire escape with my laptop and uhhhh well i probably shouldn’t give too many details bc i dont wanna dox myself but uh. everyone say thank you to Red Hood for fucking???? Beta’ing this oneshot????? I know it sounds fake, trust me, I was THERE and it still sounds fake to me”
“you aren’t allowed to @ me for the “wrote this during a joker gas attack” tag unless you have lived a minimum of 6 years in gotham okay. you don’t GET it.”
“so if some of the dialogue sounds familiar its because you might’ve heard it on the news recently during the last Riddler uh.... thing. and its NOT in bad taste okay, no one died this time”
“i wanna thank everyone for all the sympathy after the last chapter, when i mentioned in my authors note that my brother had been murdered, it really meant a lot!!! but he’s back now so it’s all gucci :peace_sign:”
“This one is for the Signal. You’re insane and I love you so much.”
“How come Robin gets a sword and I don’t? He’s like ten. Anyway, have a fic with a ton of swords because someone won’t let me get one.”
“Genuinely laughing my ass off at the comment from the last chapter. I know exactly who is from Gotham and who isn’t and I love you my fellow hell-dwellers.”
“Guys this fic ended up being set in Metropolis I’m so sorry.”
“No beta we die like Gothamites on Tuesdays”
“Does it count as RPF if it’s the anthropomorphism of the bat signal and the batmobile? Asking for a friend.”
“fun fact! if you write commissioner gordon/batman smut, it gets mysteriously deleted from your profile within 3 minutes of being posted, and you get a terrifying email from Oracle that I don’t dare to repeat here! Anyways, enjoy this re-written smut, now featuring Batman and Green Arrow instead. Since I guess Oracle is watching me which is TERRIFYING.”
“new rule: you can’t complain about anyone writing Red Hood like a massive fucking nerd unless you, personally, have heard him quoting Jane Austen while chasing a bunch of muggers down your street.”
“this one goes out to Spoiler, for no particular reason other than I still remember that time I looked out my window and saw her hit Robin in the head with a fucking brick on the next roof over”
“no beta we die like joker goons”
“to the commenter who proposed marriage to me after the last chapter: i’m flattered, but i’m saving myself for Batgirl. If you ARE Batgirl, hmu babe <3″
“I think the guy next door works for Red Hood but like, that’s cool, right? They’re fine? Anyway, he knew so much about guns and fighting and stuff so have an actually well-written fight scene for once.”
“Writing from the hospital. Again. Can’t believe I got caught in the middle of a gang war again but I did get to see Red Hood shoot Black Mask and it made my whole year so honestly worth it.”
“No beta we die like Robin’s patience with the goons who were apparently using swords wrong and yes it was glorious and I’m pretty sure Spoiler filmed the entire thing so someone ask nicely and maybe we can have that forever.”
"so this chapter has a lot of cool animal facts in it but I cannot take any credit for research - Damian Wayne visited the animal shelter I volunteer at and basically gave an impromptu lecture. It was cute! And I really enjoyed it, so uh... have Robin lecturing some henchmen about proper pet care, I guess lmao"
"Y'ALL the dead robins club is REAL, I heard Nightwing reference it while he and Red Robin were waiting for the cops to pick up the guys who were trying to kidnap me (I'm fine btw don't worry). Anyways. VINDICATION."
"I did such a deep dive into Gotham's legal system, and also the NJ legal system in general, that I maaaaaaay be going to law school after I finish my undergrad???? So. There are SOME benefits to being a Two-Face fucker. Maybe."
"not Flash stans in MY comment section :crying_laughing: get outta here. This is for Gotham gremlins only."
"Sorry I haven't posted in a while:(( was used as a pawn in a Riddler puzzle😑😑😑but Red Robin saved me☺️☺️☺️ two hours late😡😡😡 enjoy this chapter where I stab him and see how he likes it"
"I'm not saying the headcanon that Bruce Wayne is Batman is unrealistic. I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense. But my patrons requested it so..."
"Guess who just typed out Reader/Poison Ivy fics instead of taking their maths test :D "
"Sorry this is late! Long story short, my spleen is gone, and that was weird. Anyways, this coffee shop AU is completely out of control and I don't know when it will end now."
"If you have a problem with my fic where Batman kills the Joker then maybe you're part of the fucking problem. Let a boy dream."
"Wrote this after Robin cussed out a guy who said something nasty about my hijab. In Arabic!!! He also escorted me home like a tiny angry bodyguard. Tiny gentleman Robin is now my best experience ever. Have a story about him having an amazing day because he deserves the world. <3"
"My long awaited Red Hood / Pride and Prejudice crossover is finally here! Red Hood, if you see this, you're welcome!"
"Is it weird to write a story where Dick Grayson and Nightwing bond over hair care? Maybe, but god they both have such gorgeous hair."
"Saw Batman smile really softly once as a kid when watching Robin do a really cool backflip. This has been top tier parental love in my mind since then. Have a story about Batman being a proud father. Tooth rotting fluff."
"Wrote about Red Hood killing Joker because reasons, got a box of chocolates delivered to me with a little note attached that said "hood" and now I'm eating them and thinking about marriage-- Here's a story where I wonder if Red Hood is gay by writing everyone else being attracted to him."
“Hey so guess what website is NOT blocked in Arkham? On a completely unrelated note, the cake that appeared on my doorstep with a note of ‘thanks for getting those two idiots together finally’ should be fine to eat, right?”
“Y’all are way too thirsty for a vigilante/crime boss you’ve never seen the face of. But, ask and it shall be delivered ig.”
“Tagged Mafia AU just in case, but is it really an AU if it’s Red Hood?”
“Despite having never stepped foot in Arkham I got called by the fbi so apparently my made up Arkham layout is actually pretty accurate who knew.”
“Ngl, the fighting in the comments has been the highlight of my week and no, I don’t know if Red Hood is Wonder Woman’s kid or not or who Batman’s dad is but I hope you all realize you’re suggesting Wonder Woman is Batman’s grandma.”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me Red Robin has never contemplated committing war crimes.”
“Do you think other cities spend so much time on rpf of their heroes? Cause like, Flash pops up in fics when something set in the real world needs a conveniently timed rescue to occur. Batman has over 6,000 fics tagged ‘Batman is Bruce Wayne’s sugar baby’ alone.”
Hey guys, good news is I can finally update once I edit my stories! Bad news is, I have to transcribe them since I had to write them on paper while I was in Blackgate.
(Don't judge me, half of you have done worse, and the other half got a stern lecture from Batman before you could!)
In other news, Nightwing's such a nice guy he even signed my cast. Pretty sweet, since he's the one who put me in it.
" Riddle me this: how the fuck you look at batman carrying out bruce wayne from a fight and see him FUCKING SMILE and comment on this fic they're not dating"
"um- so supposedly harley quinn and ivy are dating. SO here's teeth rotting fluff because I know my new favourite ship. batman/bruce who?"
" all this metropolis bullshit will not work in this hell house. get the sunshine and hope away from me"
"guys I KNOW IM SORRY, scarecrow and his gas made me do it. here's a not betaed fic of superman and batman"
" this one is for none of you. SPOILER, YOU REQUESTED THIS ONE AND WROTE THIS IN RECORD SPEED-- yes guys she read my last crack fic where red hood and robin carry out a mission wearing tutus (don't ask only read) and ASKED ME ( after giving me a heart attack coming on my balcony like that) TO WRITE THIS.
SO HERE IS ONE WHERE RED HOOD DIES AND COMES BACK TO AVENGE THIS FATHER (BATMAN) by becoming emo (crack edition)"
" i saw batman fall into a dumpster mid flight. red robin laughed his ass off. please don't delete this mr.batman sir"
" this is nightwing x dick grayson smut. that one nightwing x jason todd shipper BACK OFF. i WILL sue you greenandpurpj. "
" my brother just explained me the basics for caring for a dinosaur ( I don't know how he knew but I care not to ask). so that's why your getting a fic where wonder woman goes rouge and has guns and adopts a dinosaur. if you think I know too much-- I don't, shut up"
" here's one fic where jason todd comes alive and becomes red hood. wdym that can't be true LET ME LIVE IN MY DELUSIONS wingass69"
I've always disliked the "I Am No Man" moment in Peter Jackson's Return of the King because it fails to capture the fact that when the Witch King threatens Eowyn with horrific unimaginable torment, she responds by making him soil his ghostly britches.
areudirty
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