ah doing ma thing just like god int- (remembers im atheist) just like the universe intend- (remembers i don't believe in determinism) just like noone and nothing intended ever. doin ma thang fucking unpredictable style
Hazel McCallah (The Unexplored Places: Ruin's Gate):
Hazel is literally a hot middle aged butch cowboy who died and came back wrong it does NOT get sexier than that
what's sexier than a middle aged butch cowboy with a shady past born out of desperation to survive on a harsh and unforgiving planet who makes the conscious decision to not only become a better person and use her strength to help her struggling community, but also who willingly sacrifices herself to atone for her past and then COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD, resurrected by the spirit of said planet, to continue to protect that community and the people in it?
is it a middle aged butch cowboy who rescues a young girl—who, grieving the loss of her own mother in a mining accident, ran away from home and got trapped in the same haunted mine where her mother died—and decides to become a mentor to that young girl, and is motivated by the desire to make the world into a kinder place for that girl than it was to her when she was a child?
or maybe it's a middle aged butch cowboy who, when she fights supernatural monsters with her cool hellstone axe, has smoke come out of her eyes and succumbs to prophetic visions of doom???
also she's HOT
Listen, I'm going to be honest here. I don't think I'd ever found a podcast character hot before Hazel. Now Hazel is the metric against which all other podcast characters are judged. I've never listened to that other show, but how Hazel isn't just absolutely running away with this thing is beyond me.
Emmy Acero (Tidal Wave Games Podcast: SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...):
Latino trans man, college student turned movie stunt double turned space bounty hunter. Father blew his entire college fund on a cryptocurrency scheme, now trying to raise enough money as a gig worker to pay off his debt before his school's tuition office's hitmen come after him. And that's before he finds out about the whole "secret destiny" thing…
Might be inexperienced (don't worry, he's a consenting adult) but he's a very quick learner. Just look how quickly he learned the saxophone!
Accidental rizz levels off the charts. Canonically has the most romantic/sexual success of any character in the podcast, almost entirely unintentionally on his part
You float the idea of knife play and he says "omg I thought you would never ask". Next thing you know you're sitting in a chair watching him perform actual knife tricks for two hours
Special skills: "True Strength is in the Core", "Can Fit in Spaces Most Can't", "Resting Innocent Face" (aka puppy dog eyes). I think you can fill in the blanks
There's just something about this guy, I can't quite put my finger on it...
Art of Emmy Acero by @violetfoxsketches.
Additional propaganda below the cut:
Hazel McCallah (The Unexplored Places: Ruin's Gate):
Middle aged woman who now uses her fighting skills to defend people.
Rescues a girl without a mother and gets so absorbed in teaching this girl how to ride a horse she misses a job.
Probably a lesbian.
Died and came back wrong. :)
Made me cry.
No but seriously if you want a Cowboy With A Hard Past Who Wants To Get Home To His Family But After Decades Realizes He Has A New Community He Wants To Stay For but with a woman, Hazel delivers in spades.
definitely a lesbian
has terrible horrible visions of Doom
occasionally gets possessed by a supernatural force that makes her better at fighting demons and also makes smoke pour out of her eyes
described as "if Charlize Theron in Mad Max didn't have a celebrity skincare routine"
fights with a fucking sick axe with a red stone head
wears an old flight suit but with the arms tied around her waist like a classic hot scifi lesbian
died and came back wrong!!!!!!!!
her link to the world of the living is the motherless 12 year old girl she rescued from a mine collapse and taught how to ride a horse and who loves her sooooo much
almost got turned into a centaur made of plant and bone one time
#her best friend is a wild west sawbones who looks like jason mantzoukas #she's addicted to laughing gas made from space mushrooms #she wears a locket with a picture of her parents who are still back on earth #she was sent to space as an indentured child laborer and became a boxer and then part of a protection racket slash wildernes guide faction #and then she killed the leader of that faction when he threatened her beloved town and community #one time she fought an enormous skeleton monster called the Mother of Bones #anyway even if you don't vote go listen to Ruin's Gate
(via fuckitfireeverything last round)
Also look at this art of her on a horse. Doesn't she have nice arms?
Hi, its me. The warmest creature in the world. I love you. Im the warmest creature in the world and I love you so much and I need to be in your lap right now. Yes, I know about the heat wave. That's okay though because I was already the warmest creature in the world so I don't mind. I love you and you need to let me sleep in your lap right now. I'm soooo warm and I love you sooo much. If you say no you'll be saying no to a thing that love you. Let me sleep in your lap. When I fall asleep I get warmer. I love you
prguitarman
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
yousharknotpass
