A woman in her late twenties who's a slave to nostalgia.

[earthtokatewrites]

You.

Wrote: April 10, 2021

Edited: April 24, 2024

I met you at fifteen— naïve beneath the stained glass, where whispers of devotion floated soft and sacred as the robes I wore.

You, a silhouette against the flicker of votive candles, preaching maturity to a girl who mistook attention for care.

You crafted for me a pedestal, sculpted from sweet words and promises, a precarious stand where I swayed, clinging to each lie like a rosary bead, praying this time was different.

Again and again, I caught you, hands dipped in sin, yet each confession you made was another scripture I believed— forgiveness turning into penance I never owed.

What did you see in that church hall, in the sanctity of my girlhood— a trust so eager, so ripe for betrayal? Did the echoes of your deceit ever disturb the holy hush of that place?

Now, years later, you reappear— a specter in funeral black, unearthing sins I buried beneath layers of learning and unlearning.

And I, no longer the altar server but a grown woman from the fractures you left, find myself questioning not just you, but every vow spoken in the shadows of sacred spaces.

You stand here, not as repentance personified, but as the embodiment of all I have overcome.

[earthtokatewrites]

Untitled.

Written: May 2015

In the quiet folds of night, your shadow lingers,

a silhouette of silence in the hollows of my room.

I reach out—fingers trembling in the half-light,

to trace the contours of your despair,

so dense, a fog I cannot pierce,

though I press and plead.

Words—frail and fleeting—

slip through the cracks,

my voice, a desperate echo in the chasm between us.

"Let me in," I whisper against the storm of your solitude,

a plea wrapped in the breath of my own brokenness.

But you stand,

a fortress with closed gates,

a sentinel of your own sorrow, unyielding.

The days stretch, elastic and endless,

threading through the eye of our growing distance.

I carry the weight of unspoken words,

heavy like rain-soaked branches,

too laden to lift.

We are two statues in a garden of regrets,

weathered by what was unshared, unsaid.

Now, under the vast,

indifferent sweep of stars,

I nurse the tender ache of could-have-beens.

We could have danced in the rain of our fears.

We could have shared the umbrella of our dreams.

But the music faded,

leaving us on the fringes,

each step back a silent beat

in a withdrawn melody.

I roam the quiet streets of memory,

haunted, every corner echoing

a laughter lost to time.

Would that I could rewrite the stanzas of our story,

to ink your darkness with the light of understanding,

to hold you in the quiet throe of night's embrace.

But time, relentless,

writes us forward, apart—

And I, a bearer of unmet hopes,

of extended hands that grasped only air,

mourn the map of our journey,

untraveled.

Letting go is a quiet surrender,

a letting of leaves to the wind,

a turning homeward.

Yet, love, know this—

my heart, once open,

still holds a room for you,

dimly lit and waiting.

[earthtokatewrites]

Coffee.

In the quiet blush of dawn, I sit, cradling warmth between hands that tremble— a mug, brimming with the dark pulse of coffee, its steam rising like a specter into the cool of morning.

Years have tumbled past, turning winters to springs, and I, lost in the void left by departed loves, sought solace in the gaze of others, finding only echoes of my own emptiness mirrored back.

Heartbreak brewed bitter within my soul, each sip scorching deeper than the last, numbing my lips, yet leaving me desperate for a sweetness that never arrived.

But now, in the humble embrace of ceramic, the heat seeps into my bones, each sip a rebirth of the sun over darkened lands, casting light across the rough terrain of my inner world.

The flavor—rich and bold—rekindles hope, reminding me how pain, once an unyielding flame, can soften into warmth if held gently, turning even the bitterest heart to tender resolve.

What is this dark concoction, if not the brewed essence of a new beginning? A sacred ritual of self-return, to sip, to heal, to savor in solitude.

As the cup empties, light floods out, filling the caverns carved by old despairs— a quiet, steadfast luminance growing, until my hands, the cup, and the heart unite.

Rising with the cup drained, the heart full, I step into the day reborn, each movement a testament to regained strength— a life once veiled, now vivid, in the profound sip of morning’s first coffee.

[earthtokatewrites]

Thank you @coffeviews and everyone who got me to 10 reblogs!

[earthtokatewrites]

In the quiet aftermath, where promises once lay, I trace the shadows you cast, then spirited away. We whispered secrets under the watchful moon's embrace, I knew you in pieces, a puzzle, lost without a trace.

Who were you, the one who sketched dreams in my sleep? A ghost in the daylight, promises you couldn't keep. I held onto your echoes, the sighs you left behind, Now grasping at the silence, the answers I can't find.

You were the melody that faded into mist, Left me with the echo of the life we never kissed. You gave me your all, then pulled it from the fray, Without a word, you vanished, leaving disarray.

The street whispers of your sorrow, tales of needed space, A journey for your solitude, that never found its place. Why not mold your words with bravery, face to face? Instead, you chose the shadows, left an empty trace.

Now I stand amid the fragments of what we used to be, Piecing together clues on why you had to flee. Were you ever real, or just a fleeting shade, In the silence, where our shared sunlight slowly fades?

I confront this empty stage, where your shadow sways, Burning with the anger of your silent, ghostly ways. How could I be so naive, so caught in your deceiving? In this storm of my creation, I'm reluctantly believing.

[earthtokatewrites]

Coffee.

In the quiet blush of dawn, I sit, cradling warmth between hands that tremble— a mug, brimming with the dark pulse of coffee, its steam rising like a specter into the cool of morning.

Years have tumbled past, turning winters to springs, and I, lost in the void left by departed loves, sought solace in the gaze of others, finding only echoes of my own emptiness mirrored back.

Heartbreak brewed bitter within my soul, each sip scorching deeper than the last, numbing my lips, yet leaving me desperate for a sweetness that never arrived.

But now, in the humble embrace of ceramic, the heat seeps into my bones, each sip a rebirth of the sun over darkened lands, casting light across the rough terrain of my inner world.

The flavor—rich and bold—rekindles hope, reminding me how pain, once an unyielding flame, can soften into warmth if held gently, turning even the bitterest heart to tender resolve.

What is this dark concoction, if not the brewed essence of a new beginning? A sacred ritual of self-return, to sip, to heal, to savor in solitude.

As the cup empties, light floods out, filling the caverns carved by old despairs— a quiet, steadfast luminance growing, until my hands, the cup, and the heart unite.

Rising with the cup drained, the heart full, I step into the day reborn, each movement a testament to regained strength— a life once veiled, now vivid, in the profound sip of morning’s first coffee.

[earthtokatewrites]

Innocence.

Written: August 2016

Amid the clatter of a world askew, A child, with eyes of wonder, wide and clear, Beholds the storm that rages, drawing near, Yet clings to fragile petals kissed with dew.

In corners where harsh voices often clashed, Small hands build castles from the softest sand, Imagining a kinder, gentler land, While hopes around in tattered whispers dashed.

Each night, beneath a quilt of patchwork dreams, Their heart, a tiny beacon, faint yet brave, Outshines the shadows of the fearsome cave, Reflecting light where none, it seems, redeems.

Through innocence, a world anew is spied on, Where chaos sleeps, and peace is not denied.

[earthtokatewrites]

Nostalgia.

In this heart, pain carves its solemn grooves— for I am tethered to the ghostly light of the past, to laughter that echoes like whispers through aged halls, to tears that have dried on the canvas of my soul. Endlessly, I wander within this gilded cage of memories, of which only I hold the key.

Nostalgia, my cruel and exquisite jailer, you paint my days with shades of yesteryear, a spectral palette—blessing and curse intertwined. Your warmth, a fleeting solace in the twilight, leaves me shivering in the stark light of solitude, where shadows morph into familiar strangers.

It is only me who remembers, only me who knows the burden of these ancient chains. How heavy the mantle of forgotten tales, where I alone am the keeper of the lore— the lore of us, of all that was once vibrant, now whispering from the seams of this frayed tapestry.

Can a house echo without a sound? Can a heartbeat in a hollow chest? I return to where our stories blossomed— to find only the skeletons of our sacred haunts. Each corner, each stone, a monument to absence, where echoes play on eternal, silent loops.

Is this my penance or my prize? To dance alone to the symphony of the bygone, to move to the rhythm of a melody that faded long ago. A solitary figure, tracing steps on an unseen stage, dancing, always dancing, to a tune only I perceive— a melody wrought from the echoes of yesterday.

Here, in this echo chamber of the soul, I twirl alone, haunted yet undaunted— for each step is a note in the opus of my past, a past where every silence speaks, and every shadow lives.

[earthtokatewrites]

Why did you steal the sun before the day had barely woken? What whispered lies justified the promises you’ve broken? I was just fifteen, a life sketched in pencil, not yet ink— How did you dare repaint my borders before I could think?

What did you see when you gazed into my youthful eyes? A canvas to tarnish, a naïve heart to victimize? Did my trust appear as a trophy for you to claim, A naïve game of chess, a child’s face with no name?

I was just fifteen, wrestling with dreams and doubt, You were the adult, what was your confusion about? Why choose to haunt my steps, and cloud my innocent skies? Why teach me fear in a mentor’s clever disguise?

Anger pulses through my veins, a relentless, rising tide, For each moment of weakness where I silently cried. I was just fifteen, why was that so easy to ignore? You built your castle of cruelty on a child’s shore.

Where was your conscience hiding when you plotted your course? Did it not scream at you, shake you with force? I was just fifteen, life barely at its start— Yet you chose to play predator, to tear it all apart.

I hurl these questions into the abyss that now lies between; Echoes returning void, answers yet to be seen. At just fifteen, a fact that you'll always know, My desire for answers is in every line I throw.

[earthtokatewrites]

Untitled.

I wrote this last 2016.

In the quiet of dawn, where shadows mingle with light, I wrestle with memories shackled in the corridors of 'right'. I yearn for the echo of your voice, its familiar deceit, A child's heart lingers where adult reflections meet.

You sculpted my trust with hands of smoke and guise, Drew maps of the future in the color of lies. Yet, in every hateful memory, in each tear discreet, Lies the paradox of missing—a betrayal so complete.

I hate you for the chapters you wrote in my story, For the theft of innocence, for the tarnished glory. And I hate that I miss you, with a pain so keen, A longing for the guardian you should have been.

How do I mourn the good, tainted by the squalor? How do I reclaim myself, diminish your shadow, and holler? In verses, I imprison you; in metaphors, I scream, Shatter the illusion of that toxic dream.

I want to break free, to cleanse, to outgrow, To find solace in the storm, in the wildflowers I sow. Yet, here I stand, a paradox, a soul torn and twinned, Hating you fiercely, missing what should have been.

[earthtokatewrites]

Loss.

In the quiet cradle of April's grace, I write Of love once vivid, now just a wisp of light. We walked the edges of separate spheres, Your silence, a ghost from vanished years.

You, the keeper of secrets meant to hide, Away from the clamor that my dreams provide. Once my champion, voice both loud and clear, Now just echoes that I strain to hear.

Our love paraded, a spectacle so fine, You once declared, "Forever you are mine." But the screen stays dark, the updates rare, Lost in the static, you're barely there.

Oh, how I've traced you through my days, In journals kept, in countless ways. The ghost of touch, the hope to retrace Our paths collide in imagined space.

Yet I erased you with disdain, A choice to dismiss both joy and pain. Longing returns, through time and space, The tender outline of your face I trace.

Would we dare to know each other anew, If fate turned back, would my heart stay true?

You called me "too much," yet I loved you still, My spirit was wild, a hard one to quell. And as the world watched, I came undone, Losing you, was my first heartfelt run.

From love to disdain, the switch was fast, In a youthful fire, my bridges were cast. Yet in my folly and desperate nights, I sought for you in the dimmest lights.

And when you reached out, from the abyss, My heart ached, touched by fleeting bliss. But tangled still in a chaotic thread, I failed to grasp the peace you shed. But here I write this ode to you, The love lost, the dreams we never pursued.

In another life, or perhaps ahead, May we find peace in the words unsaid.

For now, this poem, a cathartic plea, In hopes that someday, my heart will be free.

[earthtokatewrites]

April 19, 2024.

Last month, I made a pivotal decision that set the tone for a series of profound personal revolutions. It started with a quiet goodbye to a job that no longer felt right—a resignation devoid of the warmth of farewell wishes.

My departure was but a whisper among colleagues, the sudden exclusion from company tools a silent echo of my diminished presence, despite the days still left on my calendar.

This cold farewell left me adrift in a sea of doubt, seeking answers in the silence about what might have led to such a detached parting.

Without feedback or farewells, I found no closure, only the stark realization of how impersonal corporate goodbyes can be, and the tough lesson that sometimes we must forge ahead unguided and unresolved.

With the gift of hindsight, I am seeing things clear now. There were things I failed to catch, a remark that felt like a microaggression, or maybe it didn’t mean anything.

These feelings are tricky.

I hate these kinds of moments, where I only realized things when it’s already too late. When that moment has passed and I can’t go back and ask, “Why?” “Wait, what?” “I don’t get it…”

I am left with these questions I am now unable to get answers from.

Not only questions, but frustrations and resentments I don’t even know where to redirect, let alone leave for a while. Like a package counter I can always return to when I am ready to revisit them.

As much as possible, I really don’t want to dwell on it or make sense of it all. It doesn’t matter. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I can’t help but wonder what I did that made them so cold toward me.

How do I move forward?

I have no idea.

What are the things I shouldn’t do in the future?

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m overthinking it.

It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

On to the next battle – job hunting.

My job hunting journey was marred by the sting of rejection after rejection, particularly those that came after promising final interviews that ended in ghosting.

I was getting to final interviews, feeling like, “This is it, this is the one,” and then… nothing.

Radio silence.

It started to mess with my head, making me doubt my worth after each ghosting episode.

Each non-response was a blow to my self-esteem, a cruel mirror reflecting my deepest insecurities about my worth.

I started to think, maybe I am not cut out for anything.

Maybe I am delusional.

Maybe no one else sees how brilliant I am but me. I guess this is what they call “imposter syndrome”?

They said that every opportunity that lands your way means that you are worthy or you really earned it.

But how can we be so sure about it?

What if I want to think that I really deserved it, but it just doesn’t look like it to other people?

Anyhoo….

Out of nowhere, when I was pretty much ready to call it quits on hope, I got a job offer.

And not just any job offer, but one that felt like a lifeline—good pay, stability, and enough to keep my meds flowing without a hitch.

Liberated from the weight of uncertainty, I dove back into my forgotten loves—books and series that had been shelved during darker days.

Within two weeks, I devoured twelve books, each page a step further from my recent troubles, each chapter a small healing in itself.

This rekindled joy in reading was not just a pastime but a vital part of my recovery, helping me piece back together my inner balance and sense of self that had frayed along the edges.

So here I am, feeling a mix of relief, excitement, and a whole lot of gratitude. This month taught me a ton about resilience, about moving through the rough patches without losing myself.

It’s funny how life throws these wild cards, but here’s the thing—I’m still standing, still pushing forward.

And that? That feels pretty good.

Here’s to new beginnings and the healing power of turning one more page.

[earthtokatewrites]

Ambiguity.

March 13, 2024.

Lately, life feels like navigating through a fog, operating on autopilot, detached from the vibrant colors of existence.

It’s as if I’m a bystander in my own narrative, watching days blur into a monotonous sequence, undistinguished by any notable events or emotions.

Occasionally, a stranger’s glance—perhaps from someone sharing a bus ride—momentarily anchors me to reality.

In those brief instances, I thought: “Wow, I really do exist, huh?”

This realization that I occupy a space in this plane of existence brings a fleeting sense of surreal acknowledgment.

However, this awareness doesn’t come with feelings of gratitude or appreciation. Instead, it’s a bare acknowledgment, devoid of any deeper emotional connection to my existence.

And so, the question looms: What’s all this for?

My place in the world, the purpose of this existence, remains cloaked in ambiguity, leaving me to ponder the significance of the seemingly trivial routine of daily life.

Last Monday, I found myself wandering aimlessly, letting my feet lead without direction.

13,000 steps on my watch felt disconnected from purpose, much like my current state. I drifted without aim, finding odd comfort in the lack of destination.

My mind wrestles with a relentless dilemma: craving the structure I simultaneously despise.

I’m lost, unsure of what I want, desiring direction yet rejecting the idea of anyone else influencing my path.

Do I even appreciate being here, existing within the orbits of others?

More often than not, I question my worthiness of this space, feeling like an erratic comet, directionless and transient, rushing towards nowhere.

This period of detachment, rather than signaling a phase of passive waiting, seems to be an unending limbo.

I’m stuck, acknowledging my existence, but unable to find joy or purpose in it.

There’s no quest for meaning, no inward journey for self-discovery, nor an outward search for my place in the world.

There’s no hidden path to purpose here, no threads to weave into a meaningful narrative.

[earthtokatewrites]

A Letter To Little Kate.

Hey there, Little Kate. We need to have another heart-to-heart.

It’s about something I know has been really tough for you – you might remember the time in third grade when things felt turned upside down.

First off, I’ve got to say, I love how you fill up those notebooks of yours. Every scribble, every character, every story… they’re like little pieces of magic, you know?

You have this super cool gift – being able to step into someone else’s shoes, feeling what they’re feeling, and then spinning these incredible tales out of thin air.

Not everyone can do that, Kate. It’s special.

I want to talk about something that I know has been really hard for you. Making friends.

I know how lonely it can feel sometimes at school, especially when it seems like everyone else is pairing up, forming their little groups, and you feel a bit like an outsider.

There were times when you might have felt too “extra,” too lively, or too restless for others to understand.

I see it clearly – it’s not that you’re obnoxious or you think you’re better than others. Never. You’re just… different, and that is absolutely okay.

I wish I could go back and tell you what we know now. That all those times you felt like you couldn’t quite fit into the puzzle weren’t about fitting in at all.

It was never about what was wrong with you, because nothing was.

You just had a unique label that explained how your mind worked a bit differently – ADHD.

As an adult, this discovery will bring a sense of relief and understanding. It will be like the missing piece of your puzzle, helping everything to make sense.

Most importantly, it will allow you to understand that being different isn’t a flaw – it’s a mark of individuality that makes you, well, wonderfully you.

ADHD can make some things feel more challenging, it’s true, but it also gifts you with a vibrant energy, a thinking style that leaps and bounds like no other, and a creative spark that can set the world ablaze.

It’s part of what makes Kate, Kate – whimsical, imaginative, Little Kate, who could draw stories like magic on paper.

And hey, making friends can and will become easier.

As you grow, you’ll realize that friendships aren’t about changing yourself to fit into a mold, but about finding people who celebrate you just as you are – quirks, creativity, and all.

You’ll find your tribe, and they are going to love your magnetic personality, terrific tales, and that verve for life that you encompass.

I have another thing to say, a bit more serious this time. It’s about something I know has been really tough for you – you might remember the time in third grade when things felt turned upside down.

I’ve also heard about those days when some of your classmates weren’t too kind. You know the days I’m talking about, right?

When you’d be chosen to give a speech or when a teacher showed how proud they were of your smarts, and whispers would start, words that weren’t so nice would follow you like a shadow.

That really stinks, and I wish I could’ve been there to tell you then what I’m about to tell you now.

Those kids, they called you names because you shone brightly, like the brightest star in the night sky. It can be tough for others to see someone shine so bright.

Sometimes, they feel like they have to dim that light.

But you know what?

That light of yours, that intelligence, that gift of gab, that’s all you, and you should never dim it for anyone.

Remember how you felt standing on that stage, delivering your speech, every word perfectly placed, your voice as clear as the morning?

Or how about when you represented our hometown at the regional science quiz bee? Wow, that was something!

You glowed with every right answer, and every time you stood up there, you weren’t just speaking for yourself – you were speaking for all the dreams you carry in your heart.

I want to give you a super power thought, like a shield against those mean words: whenever someone tries to bring you down, it’s just because they haven’t figured out how to lift themselves up.

Don’t let them change who you are or steal your joy. Instead, be the hero of your own story – use your powers of kindness, intelligence, and creativity to lift others up with you.

I want to talk about your family and the home you grew up in, a topic that I know isn’t easy.

Growing up, I know stability was something of a rarity in your home. While your parents did their best, sometimes their best was clouded by their own struggles, leaving little room for the kind of emotional presence you needed.

It’s tough navigating a world where the very people who should be your anchor are themselves being tossed by the waves. They had their battles, ones that perhaps they didn’t know how to fight and win while still holding on to you tightly.

It’s understandably heartbreaking to feel overlooked, to feel like the chaos or the silence that enveloped your home meant there was no room for your feelings, your needs.

In such an environment, it’s not surprising that you started to find it hard to see the value in striving, in reaching for those stars that used to light up your dreams.

Seeing your grades change, feeling that your brilliance was dimming, wasn’t just about the marks on a report card – it was about losing pieces of yourself to a situation beyond your control.

And then, there’s the sting of friendships that shift, leaving you feeling even more isolated. Losing your best friend to the “cooler” group wasn’t just a loss of a friend; it was a reminder of the instability and the lack of emotional support you felt at home being mirrored in the outside world.

Kate, it’s okay to feel disheartened, to feel angry or sad about these experiences. It’s okay to acknowledge that deep down, these twists in your journey have left scars.

Forgiveness, especially when it concerns family, is a complex mosaic of love, hurt, understanding, and time. Whether or not you find your way to forgive them is a path only you can walk, at your own pace, in your own time.

And whatever choice you make, know it’s valid.

Despite everything, I want you to know that within you lies an incredible strength—a resilience that is all the more remarkable because it has been tested.

You’ve navigated through storms with a heart still capable of love, a mind still capable of dreaming big dreams, and a spirit that, despite the odds, refuses to be extinguished.

Remember, Kate, it’s okay to seek help when the weight of these experiences feels too heavy to carry alone.

Therapists, counselors, trusted teachers, or even new friends who understand — they can be lighthouses in the darkness, reminding you that shores exist where you can find respite and heal.

Stability can be found, created anew by you, with foundations in the lessons you’ve learned, the strength you’ve gained, and the unwavering determination you carry within.

And in this renewed stability, may you find space to reignite the brilliance of your dreams, to excel in ways that reflect your true potential, and to build the supportive, understanding community you’ve always deserved.

And here’s a little secret for you – even super smart, eloquent people like you can get hurt, but they also learn how to heal and how to rise above it.

Finally, Kate, if you take nothing else from this letter, remember this – your uniqueness is a strength, not a flaw.

Learn to own it, love it, and embrace it.

The world may not always get you, but those who matter, those who really see you, truly will.

You’ve got a good heart, one that understands others, tells beautiful stories, and creates amazing worlds. That heart will lead you to find your tribe – friends who cheer you on, who love your quirks and celebrate your smarts right alongside you.

As you look ahead, allow yourself to believe in the possibility of brighter days.

You are not defined by the instability you experienced nor by the grades that once reflected a time of turmoil.

You are defined by the strength of your journey, the depths of your resilience, and the unyielding hope that guides you forward.

Hold onto that heart of yours, keep it open and keep it brave. And when the world feels a little unkind, remember your super powers: your mind, your voice, and your endless creativity.

Keep shining, little star.

The world needs your light.

[earthtokatewrites]

A world where my mother isn't a mother.

Today, I stumbled upon a post on Reddit that brought tears to my eyes. It was someone’s reflection upon the imagined possibility of their mother not being a mother. The words struck me, resonated with me, and triggered a cascade of thoughts.

In a parallel universe, one where my mother isn’t a mother, I often wonder what her life would be like.

Would she be chasing her dreams, traveling the world, or simply living a carefree life without the responsibilities of motherhood?

This alternative life narrative for her set my thoughts adrift, to a place where her reality evolved clearly and distinctly, without the echoes of children’s laughter in the background or the weight of motherly responsibilities on her shoulders.

Without the constraints of being a mother, I imagine my mom pursuing her passions and following her dreams.

Perhaps she would have started her own business, gone back to school to further her education, or even become an artist or writer.

The musings took me further, pondering the dreams and ambitions she might have harbored, ones that never saw the light of fruition.

My grandmother once voiced her own hopes—a potent aspiration for my mother to become a nurse, a wish rooted in nurturing and care. A sentiment also shared for her sons—to see them flourish as doctors.

These expectations were heirlooms handed down from a woman whose life was cut short by leukemia when my mother was only five years old.

It’s a poignant desire that speaks of an alternate universe where each child fulfills the legacy left unattended by my grandmother’s untimely departure.

Yet, in this imagined world where my mother embraces a nurse’s path, it dawns on me how different the fabric of her life—and consequently mine—would be woven.

Would she have dived into the healing arts, hands both tender and firm, easing ailments in some bustling city hospital or a quiet clinic in a forgotten town?

Would my uncle don a pristine white coat, his daily routine a graceful ballet weaving through the wards and the whispers of the healing?

Without the daily obligations of being a mother, my mom would have the luxury of living a carefree lifestyle.

She could spend her days leisurely reading books, trying new hobbies, or simply enjoying the peace and quiet of a life without children running around.

In a world where my mother isn’t a mother, I envision her finding newfound independence and a sense of self-discovery. She would have the opportunity to focus on herself and what truly makes her happy, rather than putting others’ needs before her own.

These ponderings brought an ache, a soft, impossible longing for what could have been—a life for her generously layered with experiences and self-discovery, an unfurling road map of ‘what ifs.’

But nestled within that ache, I stumbled upon a deeper gratitude for the mother I know, the woman who traded possible lifetimes for the reality in which she nurtured me.

In the threads of our previous conversations, between the lines filled with her gentle laughter and discerning words, my mother once shared these riveting familial aspirations.

I’ve seen the wistful glint in her eye, a subdued ember that somehow continues to flicker—a testament to the dreams rendered dormant by the inexorable march of time.

The joy, love, and fulfillment that comes with raising children are irreplaceable, and I am grateful for the sacrifices my mother made to give me the life I have today.

So, although a part of me wonders about the world in which my mother is not a mother, it is in this world, with all its imperfections and joys, that I find a profound and abiding sense of place and purpose.

In this reality, my gratitude, love, and admiration for her are as boundless as the sky—a sky she chose to share with me.

[earthtokatewrites]

Scott Street.

Here’s another Kate’s #FromTheVault journal entry. I wrote this one last August 2017, just after “Scott Street” by Phoebe Bridgers just released. So, there. It’s out in the open!

“Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?”

Retracing the paths we’ve walked, the relationships we’ve fostered, and the perceptions we’ve crafted, it’s impossible not to wonder how we are seen, how we are remembered – or even forgotten.

You once assured me of a safe space in your heart, promising me a safety net of friendship that I could count on when the world felt too hard to bear.

Assurances of companionship like these carried the comforting aura of a shared bond, a pact that even if the world turned its back on us, we had someone who wouldn’t.

So, I find myself in the soberly hued twilight of today, questioning where I stand today.

Do I still hold a cherished place in your memories, or have I faded into the forgotten corners?

Each verse, each word, swaddles me in a cloud of deep contemplation, pulling me deeper into the corridors of unaddressed nostalgia and regret. Yet, there’s one particular regret that gnaws at the corners of my consciousness.

It’s said that hindsight gives you a 20/20 vision, a clarity that often mercilessly points out our missteps and mistakes. I can’t help but wish I could’ve acted differently, could’ve spoken some magical words to alleviate your pain.

Back then, surely, I didn’t know any better, and perhaps, neither did you.

Now, reliving those moments, I can’t help but hope that my name doesn’t invoke shame in your heart, that it doesn’t conjure up uncomfortable feelings so profound they make you shudder.

Instead, I hope it brings back memories that make you smile, memories that bridge the divide between our transformed selves and the people we used to be.

The song repeats the phrase “Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?” and every repetition is like a knock on the door of past sentiments – directed at me, at you, at the versions of us that live solely in the museum of our shared history.

I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you see me as deserving of that small talk, just like in the song. I hope my reappearance in your life years later will bring contentment, not sorrow.

All the while, it feels like our own Scott Street — a liminal space between the memories and the present, where echoes of laughter, shared secrets, and unspoken words linger.

It’s in this space that I imagine a future in which our memories are not tarnished by faults and failures but framed by forgiveness and growth.

As I am yearning for the past and acknowledging the present, a glimmer of hope unfurls. Perhaps our paths will intertwine again, in another time, another world.

Maybe, then, we will not be strangers meeting by chance, but two souls who’ve navigated through life’s turbulent tides and yet, still find a touch of familiarity in each other.

In closing, Bridgers’ ballad sketches an image of a faded relationship, yet pleads for a potential reconciliation.

“Don’t be a stranger.”

But it seems quite the opposite.

[earthtokatewrites]

Hometown.

There is something deeply ironic about going back to the streets that once knew the echo of our laughter and the secrets of our dreams and finding yourself a stranger. Have you ever experienced this feeling? This was my revelation last Christmas as I returned to my hometown with my partner, walking down the same streets where my innocent self once roamed. Every narrow street, each corner,…

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[earthtokatewrites]

Love Overcomes: Navigating Grief Through Life's Simple Moments

Life, with its ceaseless weaving of joy, love, epiphanies, and grief, can often seem like an undending tapestry. If we were to visualize this tapestry, how would it appear to us? Maybe it’s a large quilt vibrant with colors that represent joy, love, epiphanies, and, yes, even strands of grief. Each thread winds and merges, crafting the grand masterpiece we call life. Certain elements are…

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