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killtheteendream

i can still quote fran’s response word for word

kohl-yis

she

she just

she just did that

ruinedchildhood

at no point during this video did i know what was about to happen next.

geekandmisandry

My boyfriend just woke up, mostly still asleep and told me “don’t worry, it’s getting better” in a heavy, American accent, which is unusual for an Australian man.

“Why are you American?” I asked, to which I got:

“Sorry, it’s getting better” in a stereotypical posh English accent.

“Why are you English?” I asked, amused.

“What is he normally?” He managed to ask.

“He? You’re not anyone else, you’re you.”

“Ugh, me” was the last thing he said, in a right proper Aussie accent before he fell back into proper sleep.

neverblogidly

Bitch just thwarted a ghost possession by judging his accents

wideopenhighway

My boyfriend would be gettin’ hit with the baseball bat beside our bed if he ever woke up and said, “What is he normally?” about himself.

geekandmisandry

Then you would NOT have liked the time he pointed to a corner of our room while he was sleeping and said “they share a dimension with Earth and they take cats to eat them”.

tharook

I absolutely do not like that.

rhube

I love people who talk in their sleep.

noodle-dragon

A smol awoo

emiliotheexplorer

This reduced me to tears

witchyaquariusy

This looks like am English Springer spaniel ♡♡ like my shadow boy

noodle-dragon

He’s a borzoi named Freddie and this is what he looks like now:

candy-crackpot

poewasright

that time Sam Winchester and Superman almost got into a fight that Lizzie McGuire broke up

sirsmalldog

my policy for “they’re just doing it for attention” has always been and always will be “then someone needs to pay attention to them”

xoee

I’ve always thought this

cerulean-beekeeper-deactivated2

Let me tell you about the time I worked as a computer teacher for a small private school. My first day went well, but in the staff room that day I was told I was lucky that this one kid was out sick. No one could control him.

Next week, he was in. It took me 10 minutes to determine that I was dealing with a 10 year old kid who was incredibly intelligent, more than a little bored, and loved being the center of attention.

He was also black. I say this because I think that a intelligent, somewhat bored, attention-seeking white kid might have been treated differently.

So, day one I made him sit by himself where no one could see him to stop him from taking over the class (which he was clearly used to doing).

Day two: I paid close attention to when he finished (not surprising, he was first and did everything correctly). I immediately told him he was helping me, and paired him with a struggling student.

My hunch was right; he made a excellent teacher. He thrived on having this other kid’s attention. He wasn’t bored. He was one of my best students.

He was a bright kid. And he needed people to pay attention to him and would settle for any kind of attention he could get. But when he was able to channel that positively, he was a great student and a really helpful classmate.

sex-drugs-sc00by-snacks

IMPORTANT POINT HERE

traitor

DEAD

awfulbear

Fuck they murdered him

starlightandtears

I actually am so fascinated by the 180 Wendy’s has done with their social media etiquette. Like, who was the intern or entry level Social media person who slipped up and clapped back the first time? When the team realized that it made them more successful in terms of engagement and relevance, did the management team just go “You have permission to be an asshole within reason because memes”?

princess-kileyy

I just had a straight guy tell me “Gah I love lesbians” and before I could even say anything, he added, “because, ya know, they like the same thing I do and sometimes it’s nice to get advice from a girl instead of guys who think making love is just repeatedly putting your dick in something, ya know?” And I have never been more proud of the human race.

garbagebagger-deactivated201503

i was very mad and then i wasn’t

spectaclesuzuki-blog

View this post on Instagram

pyrogina

between the snow, floating oranges, and faint music in the background this feels like a fever dream that i never want to wake up from.

linddzz

so tonight im working super late at an adults-only event at the zoo where it’s basically endless beer and wine tasting and then wandering around the zoo at night. Keepers mainly sit around then we just take turns going up for a circuit through our areas and let me tell you as the night has gone on things have gotten more entertaining. So far I have seen: -A group of drunk girls legit crying in front of the puffin exhibit because they’re Too Cute -A dude pointed at a vacant eyed, open mouthed, coldwater fish and, completely deadpan, turned to his friend and went “it’s you” -overheard a very serious debate on whether or not sea turtles sleep (”Ted you fucking moron everything fuckin sleeps jesus christ” -A girl stroking her hand back and forth on the glass in front of a chillin Amazon cichlid (idk what part ok freshwater exhibits aint my thing) cooing “It’s just so pretty I want to be it’s friend” -A man enthusiastically singing a ballad in front of the aquarium with some grand drunk improv like one standout line was “What we doin at the zoOOOoooOOooo? We drinkin a breeEWWWwwwwwwwww!”

linddzz

-a very harried voice on the radio sighing “we need more captain morgan and vodka at concessions” -five calls for medics -three calls for broken glass -A girl standing on her own in the middle of the shark reef tunnel, staring straight up with an open mouth and arms limp at her sides, oblivious to all the people around her - “Ahaha. holy shit look at all of it’s legs” said in front of the octopus exhibit -overheard a loud furious “DID YOU JUST FUCKING AS ME IF THE PENGUINS ARE FAKE?!” -This exchange on the radio “Hi concessions to event management? What do we do with the used napkins?” Long pause, then a disgusted “You throw them away. Because they’re garbage.” (honestly prayer circle for concessions) - “holy shit it’s nemo what up dude” (I hear a million variations of “i found nemo!” but this is my favorite so far ok)

rhv

seduce me with ur history knowledge

simaraknows

vikings made their woman handle the finances because they thought math is witchcraft

danray002-deactivated20241205

During a military campaign, Vlad the Impaler, the basis for Dracula, once pulled his troops out of a major engagement in a valley at dusk so that the sun was in their enemies’ eyes. Once they were over the hill, they set loose a bunch of rabid bats who flew away from the sun (towards the enemy) and attacked them, leading to significant infection in their ranks, and Vlad’s eventual victory. Because of how the bats appeared from where Vlad’s soldiers appeared to be at dusk, myth stated that the soldiers turned into bats at night, which is where the “Dracula can change into a bat” thing came from.

lapisbitch

raphael, the renaissance painter, literally fucked himself to death

sirl33te

during the Ottoman Empire, the Sultan Ibrahim I had 280 of his concubines drowned in the ocean after ONE of them slept with another man.

verysadskeleton

The earths carbon levels fell by 700 million tons because Genghis Khan killed so many people

stitch-n-time

King James (the one known for revising the Bible) liked to watch women give birth. That’s where the “tradition” of women laying on their backs to give birth comes from.

Previous to that it was common for women to have chairs with holes in them and straw underneath, so they could sit on this special chair and let gravity help with the birthing process.

kanthia

Spicy foods were thought to increase libido and cause children to masturbate. To prevent kids from touching themselves at night, a man named Kellogg invented the blandest combination of cereals, marketed it at kids, and called it Corn Flakes

spockyykins

At the Battle of Gettysburg during the American Civil War, a small group of Union soldiers had run out of ammo against a large group of the Confederate Army. In a panic, the Union soldiers sprinted at them, screaming, with only bayonets drawn. The entire Confederate Army that was present turned and ran away in fear, not knowing that they had literally no ammunition.

obaewankenope

When the Roman Emperor Caligula went to invade Britain he stood on the coast of Gaul with his army and suddenly declared war on Neptune, God of the Sea. He had his men collect sea shells from the shore as “spoils from the Ocean”.

Oh and he appointed his horse to the senate.

nat-20s

During the Austro-Prussian war of 1868, Liechtenstein sent over an army of 80 people, but ended up coming back with 81 people because they befriended a guy on the other side.

aphony-cree

People refused to send art and sculptures to be displayed at the Chicago World’s Fair because of Chicago’s history with fire. They had to fireproof the Fine Arts building to get people to agree to loan them their art. A year after the fair closed most of the grounds were destroyed by fire but the Fine Arts building survived. It’s now the Museum of Science and Industry.

naphula

The carbon emissions thing from Ghenghis Khan is not the whole story. He also planted trees wherever he conquered land because he liked trees and thought they were important. He conquered enough to make an impact on the global climate.

givemeunicorns

Radu III, brother of Vlad III( Vlad the Impaler) nearly killed Mehmed II, the future Sultan of the Ottoman’s, after Mehmed invited him up to his chambers. Radu, seemingly unaware that the offer was sexual in nature, was startled when Mehmed embraced and then tried to kiss him. Radu stabbed the prince in the leg, then ran and hid in a tree. They later became lovers, and maintained a relationship for the rest of their lives

queerstorian

Just googled the last one because holy shit that’s magnificent and seemed to good to be true, but not only did it actually happen, but I also learned that radu was known as “radu the beautiful”

unpretty

some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

unpretty

siphersaysstuff

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!

Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.

awa64

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”

amphitryo-deactivated20190813

- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”

ruinedchildhood

kimpossibooty

‪Podcast idea: a D&D campaign with same characters, same story, same everything, but different comedians picking it up each week and trying to deal with what the players of the past week put their characters through

kimpossibooty

Working title: Roll Reversal

kimpossibooty

So there’s actually a really solid chance of this becoming a thing. Can you reblog this post if you’d have interest in listening to this?

the-noble-earthworm

hey friends and followers, my production company is looking at making this happen but we need to gauge interest, i’d really appreciate if you could share this post.