Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw

Nerd who likes too many things. Blog will contain: -Whatever I feel like -Swearing, probably -Weird stuff -Memes -etc. Feel free to chat if you want

[regularphotographer]

Casual sex is a terrifying concept

[wittgensteinsmister]

formal sex 100% everyone’s wearing suits and sending faxes to corporate

[lifeineroticapublishing]

Address all dirty talk with “To whom it may concern:”

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

why are birds so cursed

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

A Non-Comprehensive List of Birds That Piss Me Off

1. Dracula Parrot. This thing pisses me off like, a bunch

2. King Vulture. the felted craft project equivalent of a haunted ventriloquist dummy

i will never not resent this bird 

 3. Jacana Bird. This is the most unnecessary cursed nonsense. i deserve an apology for having to look at this. I can feel its fingers stroking my ears

No it does not have SIX FREAKING LIMBS. it’s carrying its stupid creepy spawn under its wings. A+ parents but still, piss off. even the normal 2 legged version isn’t much better

put those AWAY.

4. The Shoebill, which i’m sure we’re all sick of hearing about. this thing is the epitome of a crappy photorealistic cgi disney villainy. i despise this bird.

also this is what they look like standing up. i just feel like i shouldn’t have to deal with that, i really do.

5. Inca Tern. truly, hipsters ruin everything

6. Tragopan. it looks like a star wars species, which i dislike on principle 

7. The Secretary Bird. it wears yoga pants.

also i’m uncomfortable with the length of its eyelashes

8. finally, i really dislike this one specific parakeet

in conclusion, these birds exist to haunt me and this knowledge is a burden. birds exist to observe our sin; always watching, they are filled with malice. flee from them

[chispas-and-broken-bindings]

This post speaks to me in a way very few Tumblr posts do.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

with baleful violence & disoriented aggression? 

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

avatar + textpost 17/? 

Part 1  Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8  Part 9  Part 10Part 11 Part 12 Part 13  Part 14 Part 15 Part 16

[evilbuildingsblog]

Video game building IRL

[thisismud]

“Where do you work?”

*suspiciously* “Yeah? Where’s it at?”

Oh down by

[governor--megatron]

Me: “Hey darlin’, you wanna go to A Nice Restaurant to eat?”

Her: “Sure thing!  Where??”

Me: *prepares for a “Who’s On First”-esque conversation*

[justcatposts]

“I’m losing it” 

(via)

[your-villainous-neighbour]

rights received

[your-villainous-neighbour]

gay rights pt2

[advanced-procrastination]

Pt 3

[surprisebitch]

GAY RIGHTS

[theradioghost]

in the words of the great Elizabethan wordsmith William Shakespeare, in Hamlet Act IV Scene V, “When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.” or, in the words of the great Twitter wordsmith @Horse_ebooks,

[ritavonbees]

this is 1947 Cincinnati Enquirer erasure

[marisatomay]

please do not forget your smash mouth

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

[etirabys]

me, to my housemates, one of whom is a thermal engineer: if someone had hypothermia, is the best way to warm them up ‘spoon them’, or ‘cuddle chest to chest’? I feel like it could be either – spooning is the classic warming position, and you warm up the colder part, but spoon the front and you insulate the skin with the largest temperature delta

housemates: [fervent, serious debate]

me, after a couple of minutes: to be clear, this is for a final fantasy 7 fanfiction scene where my character got really cold, the stakes aren’t high in getting this completely right.

housemate: does the hypothermia exist sheerly as an excuse for the cuddling?

me: that is the only reason hypothermia exists in fanfiction.

[bioluminescent-fungus]

so i asked my mom’s boyfriend, who is a paramedic, and he recommended that for hypothermia, you cuddle chest-to-chest, BUT if you are digging in to survive a blizzard, spooning is preferable

[kamaboko-ken]

[ijustdontknowsometimes]

Hey bro…we gotta survive thia blizzard bro. I know its weird but we gotta cuddle bro…bro please we gotta survive….lemme cuddle you bro please

[turing-tested]

self care is putting yourself to bed on a regular schedule because it’s the base treatment for mood disorders

there’s no twist or anything it’s just really really good for u to sleep at consistent times

[m86-deactivated20171116]

me reading this at 5am:

[turing-tested]

me, reading my own post at 5am:

[podcastwizard]

i was gonna make this like two weeks ago but forgot until tonight. anyway fight me about it i’m bored.

[sweetiejack]

You put Shan up to fucks right now. He would FUCK PING IN A GODAMN HEART BEAT.

[podcastwizard]

alright here’s the thing with li shang i almost put him up at the top but this man saw a pair of tits once and had a full on fit he definitely WANTS to fuck but he is so repressed he never could and that is his ultimate tragedy

[thosedamnsmoshkids]

hi what the actual FUCK does THIS ONE MEAN

[melxncholymermxid]

Bautista said “say it with your chest”

[azcrowleyfell]

For those who may not know, Dave Bautista is the (former) WWE wrestler Batista

He also plays this gay-ass autistic alien:

He also posted this delightful tweet in response to some homophobic Catholic bullshit:

And he’s been very openly anti-Trump:

https://popculture.com/celebrity/news/dave-bautista-controversial-donald-trump-tweet-divides-fans-wwe-marvel-guardians-star/

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[scarecrowqueen]

This dude took one look at homophobia, bigotry, and toxic masculinity and said ‘fuck that’ and then crushed them all with his enormous biceps and I think that was very excellent of him.

[tygermama]

He looks like he gives great hugs

[erainab]

[orange-twilight]

i am shook to my goddamn CORE. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

[hashtagloveloses]

peak LGBT ally is robert pattinson and taylor lautner kissing each other so that kristen stewart didn’t have to be straight live on TV

[the-incedible-sulk]

OKAY BUT LOOK AT HER FACE! LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE IS THAT HES NOT MAKING HER GO THROUGH WITH WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT

The movies might have sucked, but the actors have redeeming qualities

[donnasweettttttttt]

every single thing robert pattinson ever does is intentionally genetically engineered to make stephenie meyer’s mormon blood boil hot enough for her to feel the constant neverending pain he experienced having to make and promote her movies for all those years. this is more than lgbt allyship. this is revenge.

[lubricates]

SORRY GIRLS

[snufkind]

everybody loves to talk about velma and daphne but y’all seem to forget that velma and hot dog water from mystery incorporated were obviously gay

[friendraichu]

h-hot dog water?

[jimhensonreject]

Her name was hot dog water because her father was a carnival owner and they were so poor she had to bath with the used hot dog water. Also she was murdered by Nazi robots under the command of a Hannibal lector bird Scooby Doo influenced by a cosmic embodiment of horror but then brought back to life when Scooby Doo killed it

[crystalistrappedintheinternet]

[midnight-spectrum-again]

[spacedewey]

I guess this is how I’m processing what we’re all going through right now. I had the stray thought, “What is Spider-Man doing during all this?” and this happened. On the one hand, it’s kinda sloppy and inconsistent, but on the other hand, I had the idea Sunday night and I’m posting this Wednesday night. 5 color pages in 4 nights is pretty good work. Anyway. Hope everyone’s safe out there.

[elidyce]

This is brilliant and I love it. 

[mewyorkcity-deactivated20141230]

remember this show where this one dude had to guess what is he smelling and he put his nose into someones asshole and went “smells like ass” and the commentator went “correct” and this dude did the funniest expression ever. wheres that gif

[dio-archive]

[iraffiruse]

[tumbling-website]

Reblog for the last one

[inbreadshark-deactivated2016030]

it’s a game show where everyone eats the furniture in a room and tries to see which is made of chocolate

[pemwin]

So basically you’re telling me this is the best fucking game ever created

[flotorshi]

Literally every episode of My Cat from Hell

[sinningsleepingandshitposting]

Neatly summarized as: people not knowing how to properly take care of cats

[impuretale]

The episodes that don’t conform to this formula are also always the most interesting. These situations include:

1) I Didn’t Know My Cat Had PTSD and Has Gone Blind.

2) Your Cats Fight Because One of Them Doesn’t Know How to Speak Cat, and They’re Both Kinda Mad/Confused About It. 

3) Your Cat Sprays Everywhere? Get Them Fixed. Surprise Twist: They Were Fixed But It Was a Botched Operation.

4) We’re Going to Rescue 50+ Kittens, Take Them to Vegas, and Adopt Them All To Loving Homes.

5) This is Not a Cat. This is a Dog. 

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Hang on what was number five?