Unintelligible Goose @fontegagrilledcheese - Tumblr Blog

This video pisses me off because everything about it is perfect. It’s extremely well shot and composed. Every decision that went into it from the choreographed sunglasses throw to the bass boosted Nickelback seems deliberate and incapable of improvement.

Nothing I ever make will be better than 12 second long shitpost.

minimiffy

pet pet pet pet

writing-prompt-s

"She's a witch! Send her to the Mages' Guild so she can get formal education!"

spielzeugkaiser

Prompt 11: Cattail

lakevida

remembering that octopus brains are donut shaped cause their esophagus goes thru the middle of their head and sometimes they die from brain damage from meal too big, and saying a long prayer before bed every night that if something like that happens to me i will be able to handle it gracefully

lakevida

now i lay me down to sleep

i pray the lord my soul to keep

and hope my brain does not explode

from lunch or dinner overload

but if i die from eating good

i know the haters wish they could

and every day i thank my god

i was not born a cephalopod

and as we all know most prayer is silent so while there are no further words it continues for twelve minutes or so

mcmansionhell

2007-core nostalgia extravaganza

Quick PSA: someone on Facebook is apparently impersonating me using an account called "McMansion Hell 2.0" -- If you see it, please report! Thanks!

Howdy folks! I hope if you were born between 1995 and 2001 you're ready for some indelible pre-recession vibes because I think this entire house, including the photos have not been touched since that time.

This Wake County, NC house, built in 2007, currently boasts a price tag of 1.7 million smackaroos. Its buxom 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths brings the total size to a completely reasonable and not at all housing-bubble-spurred 5,000 square feet.

I know everyone (at least on TikTok) thinks 2007 and goes immediately to the Tuscan theming trend that was super popular at the time (along with lots of other pseudo-euro looks, e.g. "french country" "tudor" etc). In reality, a lot of decor wasn't particularly themed at all but more "transitional" which is to say, neither contemporary nor super traditional. This can be pulled off (in fact, it's where the old-school Joanna Gaines excelled) but it's usually, well, bland. Overwhelmingly neutral. Still, these interiors stir up fond memories of the last few months before mommy was on the phone with the bank crying.

I think I've seen these red/navy/beige rugs in literally every mid-2000s time capsule house. I want to know where they came from first and how they came to be everywhere. My mom got one from Kirkland's Home back in the day. I guess the 2010s equivalent would be those fake distressed overdyed rugs.

I hate the kitchen bench trend. Literally the most uncomfortable seating imaginable for the house's most sociable room. You are not at a 19th century soda fountain!!! You are a salesforce employee in Ohio!!!

You could take every window treatment in this house and create a sampler. A field guide to dust traps.

Before I demanded privacy, my parents had a completely beige spare bedroom. Truly random stuff on the walls. An oversized Monet poster they should have kept tbh. Also putting the rug on the beige carpet here is diabolical.

FYI the term "Global Village Coffeehouse" originates with the design historian Evan Collins whose work with the Consumer Aesthetics Research Institute!!!!

This photo smells like a Yankee Candle.

Ok, now onto the last usable photo in the set:

No but WHY is the house a different COLOR??????? WHAT?????

Alright, I hope you enjoyed this special trip down memory lane! Happy (American) Labor Day Weekend! (Don't forget that labor is entitled to all it creates!)

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Not into recurring payments? Try the tip jar! Student loans just started back up!

artistsfuneral

Bilingual Geralt waking up super groggy. He enters the living room, where Jaskier is currently teaching an online class, and starts this satanic chanting in Elder Speech and Jaskier is like "Yeah I just made a fresh pot of coffee, love you too babe."

background-noise-headache

I don’t know if you’ve seen that Good Omens Uni-Professor AU, but now I’m imagining Jaskier randomly dropping a tiny detail about something cute or dorky his husband does. He tries not to talk about his home life too much, but like, he can’t help it. Pretty soon students have this image of a sweet, soft hearted dork in sweaters.

And halfway into the semester they switch online because plague times and then this happens and suddenly there are several small group chats speculating about if Professor Pankrats is cheating on his sweet husband with that scary biker dude who speaks Ye Olde Elder of all things.

Ciri is a student at the university because the school is good and the tuition is cheap for a faculty’s kid. She’s video chatting with Dara, her now long-distance biology partner and Dara mentioned way back in the semester that he was taking Pankrats’ for music theory and Ciri loves a good bit of trouble and mischief and gossip so she doesn’t mention that Jaskier is one of her dads. One day Dara mentions that he thinks his music teacher is having an affair and Ciri freaks out because wtf, that does not sound even a little possible, and then Dara describes the scary biker dude and Ciri’s just got a shit-eating grin and says nothing.

And then at dinner she says, “So Papa, when were you going to tell me you were cheating on Dad with some scary biker dude?” all casual like.

Jaskier sputters in shock, because “excuse me???”

Geralt knows exactly what Ciri’s doing. He knows how Jaskier talks about him, knows what people think when they first see Geralt, and knows just how much his daughter loves to mess with them.

(He is definitely telling Yen about this)

Also, Dara definitely knows what Geralt said that morning because he too speaks Elder, and none of it sounds like the picture Dara had of Professor Pankrats’ husband

artistsfuneral

Okay. Okay. @background-noise-headache Listen. Okay? Okay. Listen. Listen.

I FUCKING LOVE that series. The author is absolutely amazing and their works helped me through a lot. I have stopped reading it when I fell out of the fandom, but daaamn it is still in my heart!

Because of the author I actually started writing again. I wrote a few shorter fics with all 666 words as to help me come over my perfectionism (as in stories have to be super long to be good etc.)

Also, I started a thing called Oxenfurt Academy Online (you can go through the tag to read all parts) which is basically Jaskier being a professor during quarantine. Because uni started and sometimes I just need to vent. They are very, very short but I like them and sometimes it doesn't need all that many words to write something good.

Also someone else wrote this too! Sadly I don't know their name but they wrote a fanfiction about Geralt and Jaskier both being teachers/professors and Ciri was thriving on the rumors of their relationship.

valtsv

tired: mermaids are all women

wired: much like elves, merfolk are mistaken by sailors for being all women because they have long hair and are very pretty

valtsv

inspired: merfolk actually have very different concepts of gender to humans because they’re an entirely different species with their own unique culture

valtsv

marine scientist: what’s your gender?

merperson: what’s a gender

marine scientist: like, are you a man or a woman?

merperson: i’m merfolk

marine scientist: no, like, what’s in your pants?

merperson: i don’t… wear any? i don’t have legs?

9lunarseas6-deactivated20240914

It’s a biological fact that fish do indeed change their sex to keep the male/female ratio balanced in their school population. So this fluidity actually makes more sense from a scientific standpoint than the silly idea that merfolk are born with a strictly assigned sex like humans.

witchcraft-in-wonderland

Merfolk are all canonically genderfluid and we love them for that

anonymous-lizard

Human: (invites merfolk friend to a boat party with their friends)

Merfolk: oh man, there are a lot of women here. Haha don’t worry guys, I got this :) *changes into a man to keep a balance because that’s culturally polite for merfolk*

Human: (spits drink) what the FUCK

sexy-necromancing-bird

OH MY GOD

kingfisher-colours

So in the presence of a ship with an entirely or mostly male crew, nearby mermaids would become female to keep the balance.

ace-aussie-asshole

That’s it. We figured out why everyone thinks merfolk are all women. Get a boat of fems out there and let’s see what they report.

viejospellejos

kyleblackpaw

somethingusefulfromflorida

ampervadasz

krakenneko

parried by the aluminum foil :0

digital-magus

I jhow it looks like they're blasted back, like the foil has some kinda repulsor field.

wintertundra-art

sketched some san langs ✨

iamalivenow

alexaloraetheris

I am HOWLING!

One coathanger: *snaps instantly*

This abolute treasure of a man: How about TWO coathangers?

lovely-v

Every time Sean Astin makes a statement on whether or not Sam and Frodo were indeed gay for each other in lord of the rings he’s always like “well we have to acknowledge that attitudes around sexuality have changed dramatically over the past several decades and since authorial intent is only up to speculation, the story is open to multiple readings, some of which might have different significances for different groups of people also they kiss on the lips because I said so”

busket

at the rose city comic con panel this month a fan asked them (sean and elijah) if sam and frodo were in love and they said

Sean: .....yes. absolutely

Elijah: 100 percent.

Sean: dont tell rosie

explorerrowan

Rosie: "This is my husband Sam, and that's his husband, Frodo. Frodo is my husband-in-law. I'm not into him, he's he's a bit too 'elfy' for my taste, but Sam likes him, and that's fine with me. As far as I know, Frodo can't give Sam children, but Frodo looks after ours all the same, so I don't mind sharing Sam if it means another pair of eyes on the wee ones. In all honesty, our family tree is right simple compared to some hobbits. Yes, I'm referrin' to you Lobelia, over there pretendin' you ain't eavesdroppin'. Still bitter you ain't got either of my boys or their house, eh?"

arcaniumagi2

ms-katonic-of-tamriel

Tbh it's canon that Frodo invited Sam and Rosie to move in to Bag End after their wedding and they all lived there for a couple of years until Frodo went to Valinor, so yeah. Running with it.

And once Rosie dies, Sam says his goodbyes and disappears after him.

roach-works

what’s funny is people assuming that rosie would somehow be too dim or naive to KNOW that sam loved frodo, instead of looking at a guy who would loyally follow a beloved friend to hell and then help carry him home again, and not be like ‘oh i can’t not fuck that.’

elodieunderglass

Polyamory, specifically polyandry, would be an interesting solution to the oddball population of the Shire.

The Shire is excellent farming country, with consistently good weather, and only one tough winter in living memory; hobbits like to produce large families; they’re resistant to disease, rarely violent, and encounter few dangers. It is usual for hobbits to produce many children, so that (for example) Bilbo and Frodo are unusual in both being only children, with no siblings, and not having children of their own. All of this should point to a population that increases every generation if not doubling outright. Young people (and their ideologies!) should rapidly outnumber the old with an ever-increasing effect and impact on society. However, the Shire has a surprisingly stable history; it never seems to increase or decrease greatly in population, and the bell curve of age seems… demographically balanced? There certainly isn’t a conflict from rising young bloods challenging the middle-aged reactionaries; there’s no unemployment; there are no housing crises or waves of emigration, or even a tendency for young people leaving home to marry. Meanwhile, not only does the Shire not suffer from internal pressures, but it remains obscure and hardly noticed in global politics.

What makes sense here is that adult hobbits form a loose group. Four parents in a polycule, between them all, may produce four children. All four parents claim to have four children. An outsider would assume this meant the adults had eight children.

Hobbits therefore are not especially fertile or fecund. They simply have large families. Much of their interest in genealogy is due to the complex relationships of blood-kin, hearth-kin, love-kin and pledge-kin, who must all be carefully tracked and measured - not just because you need to make sure that you don’t climb into bed with an un-permitted degree of blood-kin, but to track family alliances and carefully quantify the precise level of thoughtfulness to put into the proper present to gift your father’s lover’s lover (too much implies a degree of intimacy that might upset the polycule.)

Thus, while a hobbit matron may tell a startled dwarf that she has seven sons, she might only have borne five of them herself, and have one hearth-son by her wife, and a pledge-son of her first husband’s. There are between three and four fathers involved at various stages of production, from conception to pledge-duty, but there is debate about the precise number of fathers, as one child was festival-conceived and therefore provisionally pledged to the Brandybucks until more distinctive paternal traits should materialise. It’s expected that four of the sons will be uninterested in women, and their contribution to family life will be in raising hearth-children and pledge-duty. However, this level of detail is normally negotiated later in conversation, as a mutual overture of friendship. So she’s just clear and simple: yes, certainly, she has seven sons. Yes, they’re all hers. Yes, that’s fairly normal - yes, hobbits like big families. How big? That’s really hard to say! Well, about thirteen hobbits live in her house… er, she has forty-three nieces and nephews. Yes! She has nine siblings, that’s correct, but some of them are still babies themselves..

In this way, a bewildered dwarf might assume that hobbits are absurdly fertile, producing an average of seven children per couple, at an absurd pace.

When in fact, with about half of hobbits never bearing biological children, the population of hobbits is pretty much always the same.

Tl:dr, hobbit population works perfectly well, both internally and in the perceptions of outsiders, if the majority of the Shire is gay, they’re all polyamorous, and they all firmly claim to be parents of high numbers of children. Of course Frodo fathered Sam’s kids - he named them! They were pledge-kin but not hearth-kin, as Frodo needed a lot of quiet and stability in the home.

No outsider ever parses hobbit genealogy well enough to understand this except for Gandalf, who never explains anything either.

the-writing-goblin

Okay, reblogged this too quickly out of enthusiasm.

This makes so much sense in the worldbuilding, actually???

Like, consider: Elves don't understand hobbit families, but hobbits are also baffled by elf families. You have exactly one partner ever? And it's considered wildly inappropriate to take another even if that partner straight up dies? And they only raise their own children, usually three maximum? Most hobbits would be convinced that elves were cold, unfeeling and anti-social.

Bilbo is percieved as oddly elf-ish when he comes back from his adventure at least in part because he only takes on one hearth-child, and even then quite late in his life. Like sure dude, you don't have to have romantic or sexual partners but no children????? Very strange. Here. Take a Frodo. Maybe he'll fix whatever is wrong with your brain.

And this also explains why hobbits get on better with Elrond than most other elves. Because Elrond has a weird af family by elf standards and takes in foster children all the time. He seems much warmer by comparison. Basically, when Bilbo comes to stay at the Last Homely House and he's doing his writing Elrond would be thrown by how comfortable Bilbo is with his family.

Elrond: My apologies, I know this must be quite confusing for you.

Bilbo: No no I understand perfectly. You have two blood-parents (Elwing and Earendil), two hearth-parents (Maglor and Maedhros), one blood-brother (Elros), and one pledge-brother (Gil-galad). Certainly a bit unconventional due to the kinslaying and all, and a bit on the small side, but other than that...

Elrond, who has never in his life had his family called 'small': ...

elodieunderglass

You get it

thedemonofcat

Six months have passed since Jaskier last saw Geralt, and yet people continue to abduct him in hopes of luring the witcher.

In that time, Jaskier has been captured by bandits, creatures, and sorcerers, all eager to use him as a trap for Geralt. He's managed to escape each time through sheer luck, as he's not quite ready to face Geralt again.

Meanwhile, Geralt keeps setting out to rescue Jaskier, only to discover that the bard has already slipped through someone's fingers.

riacte

not romantic not platonic but a secret third thing [what would happen between earth and the moon if the earth stopped spinning as illustrated by xkcd randall munroe]