Gender Ponderings

A blog for anyone with questions about gender. Never hesitate to send me an ask~

[genderadvice]

I’m really confused about my gender right now, and I have nobody I can talk to atm.

So, I was born female, but identity as gender fluid because as my gender often changes. This has been fine for the past 2 years, but since April, I’ve been switching between being non-binary and being a dude, and hating being referred to as a girl or having a girly name. At first I thought I would go back to being a girl eventually like I usually do, but it’s been four months and I’m still not. I’ve even started wondering if I’m trans.

That’s not the confusing part though. The confusing part is that I don’t wanna be a dude. I love girlhood, I love being a girl, but being called she/her and my name have been killing me inside. No matter how much I love being a girl, I still feel like a guy. I have no idea what to do.

I won’t be mad if u can’t help me, but I really am desperate. I’m hoping this is just a phase, but it’s not looking likely.

Hey!

Sorry about the late response, my friend, but honestly this sideblog has been long long out of commission. But I came across this and I wanna help.

This sounds tough and confusing -- I'm sorry. All throughout life our relationship with our gender can absolutely fluctuate, and sometimes it does come back to what it was, and sometimes it doesn't. But phases are still important, no matter how long they last, just like phases of the moon. Personally, I thought my relationship with my gender was pretty stable, but I've been re-evaluating it recently, even though I'm almost 30. It's changing, and that's okay.

I always come back to this advice: seek happiness. What would being comfortable being in your body and in your identity look like? What can get you there? Come to terms with the fact that this might change in time, but what matters is right now. What brings happiness?

Additionally, femininity and masculinity don't have to be mutually exclusive. You can also use any set of pronouns despite your gender identity. Those don't have to "match".

I hope that you're able to find more peace navigating your gender journey, and have some fun with it along the way!

You've got this.

Much love, Icarus (they/them)

[genderadvice]

hi i need help!! im dating this person who feels more masc some days and more fem others. they go by any pronouns, but some days they like it better when i use he/him and some days she/her is better. now here’s my question: what should i do to make them more comfy? do u have any idea for more masculine feeling adjectives and petnames? do u have any idea of like stuff i could say to validate how they feel that day? things i could do/shouldn’t do? thank u sm for ur help!!!!

I'm sorry I can't be more specific than this, but here's the best answer I can give:

ask them!

as long as they're a decent person, asking them exactly what you asked me will result in not only better advice than I could guess at, but show them that you care!

[genderadvice]

hi. so my partner just told me they might be nonbinary and asked me to use they/them pronouns for them just to see if they like it. i really love them but at the same time i never have felt attraction to nb people and im conflicted over how i should feel. im not dismissng their identity and im happy to help them feel comfortable and i think the hesitation i have is that i've never been into an nb before but i just want to know if its okay or normal to not be completely adjusted right away

okay so this blog hasn't been active in ages BUT of course it's okay! personally, I had never found anyone sexually attractive until I was in a relationship with my fiance. I went from thinking/being ace to being grey-ace! and that's just how it is sometimes! everything takes time to get used to gender stuff, so yeah. no need to worry :)

[genderadvice]

Hey. I'm in need of help. So I'm afab and grew up fairly feminine, but over the last few years I've became less fenemine. Recently I've gotten bad dysphoria and done everything I can to look more masculine. Could I possibly be a trans boy? In general I dont really want to be a boy, but I feel like one. Maybe I'm just scared of change? I wear jewelry sometimes and enjoy a little makeup. Could I possibly be a feminine trans boy? Also, do you have any male/neutral nicknames for Sarah?

Hey there! 

Sounds like you could be a trans guy. If you’re looking into identities too I’d suggest looking at nonbinary genders like demi-boy. 

The only nickname I could think of is “Ray”, having taken the “ruh” from the last syllable and stretching it a bit. Otherwise though nicknames don’t always have to originate from a name. You can even think of the possibility of changing your name in the vague future.

Hope I could help!

- Icarus

[genderadvice]

So I am a girl and most days I'm comfortable saying that. But some days, I really wish I could just snap my fingers and be a man. Usually I'll be watching some show or something and see a guy and think about how much I want to be him. I started having these thoughts in 5th grade and I am now a freshman in college, and those thoughts are still here. I even know what I would want to be called if I were a boy (Camden). I don't really know what this makes me? 1/2

It's just really confusing. Half the time, I'm comfortable in my body and being what I am, but the other half I just really wish I could be a boy. I was even thinking of changing my last name to Camden so I could still have a masc name attached to me, without giving up my fem birth name. It's weird. I've talked to one friend about this a lil but idk. It's all very confusing, any advice would be hella helpful, thanks! 2/2

Hey! 

Sounds like a solid genderfluid experience to me. 

I have some more thought-out and extensive kind of “advice” posts if you look through my “answered asks” tag - stuff about coming out or just exploring these things in general. What it comes down to though is just finding out what you can, finding a support network, and figuring out a way that you can live both happily and safely. 

Warm wishes,Icarus

[genderadvice]

Fun fact: I asked a question here a while ago but I rewrote it a few times and now I can't remember it lol. It's okay though! I found many asks with situations similar to mine!

glad to hear it!! <3 

- Icarus

[genderadvice]

Hey, so, um, quick question: is it weird at all to identify as female but to want to a guy name? Call me crazy but is that a thing?

honestly the idea of “guy’s names” versus “girl’s names” are ridiculous. gendering a lot of things is ridiculous when it comes down to it.

my name is Icarus and people convince themselves that I’m still a girl even though I don’t look like one. it’s a “guy’s name” and cis people sometimes just do what they can to think everyone else is cis.

short answer: totally a thing. do what makes you happy

[genderadvice]

I'm agender but I'm only out to my gf and best friend atm, I've been debating on if I should come out to my parents or not. I want to bc I feel like I'm lying to them bc they don't know and I also really want a binder but I'm scared to tell them bc idk how they'll react. I don't want them to say it's not real or I'm just confused bc I've literally felt like this my whole life, I've only recently stopped trying to suppress things and want to try being more comfortable with myself.

hey there! 

I just answered an ask kind of like this if you want to check that one out

in addition though, if you’re looking into binding, one thing you might be able to do (I’m assuming you live with your parents?) is that if you’re worried about being able to get a binder without them knowing, then use the winter holidays as an excuse. there are some binding sites that can package stuff discretely, and so if you order it in the mail and your parents ask you what it is, you can say it’s a secret, and they’ll assume it’s a present for them. 

what’s good though is that it sounds that you have a support system in place - you’ve got your gf and your best friend. 

again, you’re never obligated to come out to anyone. if you do come out, it should be for you, and in your best interest. 

best advice I can give is that if you’re going to come out to them, prepare to respond to misunderstandings (ex: sex =/= gender) and come across as informed. and otherwise, usually a fair amount of patience is required. if you’re going to tell them, just express how much this means to you, and how much happier and healthier you are (mentally) by living with this truth

if need be, write a letter to them if you can’t do it in person. it can give you time to make sure you get everything out there that you want to say, and get it right the first time

lots of love,Icarus

[genderadvice]

How do I know if/when I should come out to my parents? I'm 19 and agender but I still live with them and probably will for the next few years. I know they wouldn't be intentionally hateful over it but I don't want them to think it's weird or I'm "just confused" either. I feel guilty and like I'm lying to them somehow because they don't know.

first, you are NEVER obligated to come out to anyone

however, I know it’s hard. there’ve only been two situations I didn’t feel safe to come out, and it was because I was afraid of losing my rent, or my job

one thing you can do is gauge things with your parents - see how they talk about different trans issues or people. if you can find like a graphic novel or some kind of representation for agender people (that’s not robots obvs) then maybe see how they talk about those. 

don’t feel rushed. take it slow. maybe just seem curious about it around them first, talk about what you heard other people say. 

and just know that people can improve. a lot. my mom used to say “oh but you’ll always be my baby girl” and then once I explained how much dysphoria hurts, she started to get better. it really depends on the people. 

ultimately though, if you can appear knowledgable about it and express how much this means to you, that may be the best you can do. so if you’re coming out, do it for yourself. no one else.

[genderadvice]

Should I use my gender issues to end my straight relationship ?

this seems a rather strange ask to me?

I mean, hopefully there’s some reason you want to leave the relationship

but if you’re in a straight relationship and your partner isn’t attracted to whatever gender you’re coming to realize you are, then that warrants a discussion about it. It’s really up to the two of you

I’m not sure what else I can tell you, with that little information.

Best of luck,Icarus

[partialbirthabortion]

We really have harmed a whole generation of trans and gnc children by failing to communicate how serious a decision binding actually is, how there’s no ACTUALLY safe way to bind, how it permeneantly damages the body, how it can make top surgery more difficult in the future. I don’t think we should be keeping trans kids from binding (we let kids do all sorts of things they’re really not old enough to understand the potential consequences of) but we owe them the ability to make informed decisions at LEAST

[arty-ari]

So this is definitely an important conversation to have, but can you point me at some reading about “permanent damage”? I might just be lucky, but I had zero lasting effects from binding. I’d like to at least read up on it so I can have this conversation and be more specific than “be careful.”

[partialbirthabortion]

Of course! I can’t easily source right now but I am more than happy to provide further info when I am not at work and on mobile. Unfortunately, like a lot of trans healthcare, a lot of what we know about binding is anecdotal and word of mouth. BUT permeneant damage can include:

-Musculoskeletal damage. Binders are indiscriminate compression tools; they can’t flatten the chest without applying pressure every other anatomical structure underneath including the spine, ribs, lungs and heart. Many people who bind experience chronic back pain, shoulder pain, sharp stabbing chest pains, permeneantly decreased lung capacity, literal spine deformation, etc etc.

-A continuation of the above but the ribs are actually jointed bones. Their ability to flex is absolutely vital to their ability to withstand trauma and protect your vital organs. Imagine the damage that would be done to your elbow if your bent your arm to full flexion and then tightly bound it closed like that, for six, eight, twelve hours per day, every day, for weeks or months or years. And you don’t NEED a functioning arm to live!

-Tissue atrophy. Forcing chest tissue to lay in an unnatural way can and will change the way that tissue looks, even to risk of atrophy. Some people who bind and only moderately dislike the way their chest looks find that they HATE the way it looks after binding for a period of time. Tissue atrophy can also make top surgery more difficult in the future, and increase the risk of complications like nerve damage.

-Worsened dysphoria. Once someone starts binding and becomes accustomed to seeing themselves with a flat chest, it can be much more difficult to see yourself without one, and dysphoria that much more intolerable. You can imagine the psychological feedback loop of binding more in response.

The typical safety measures passed around about binding are harm REDUCTION measures and should not be advertised as making binding “safe.” Binding is not safe. It is a very serious health decision with long term consequences and should be treated as such. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision, but it should not be considered the DEFAULT decision for chest dysphoria which is frankly how it’s currently treated.

[mikstapes]

gonna drop some links to read more:

Health impact of chest binding among transgender adults: a community-engaged, cross-sectional study Inside the Landmark, Long Overdue Study on Chest Binding  

Binding FAQ

Health Consequences of Chest Binding

[fandompariah-deactivated2021120]

@pooflyperfectprincess

[clothing-references]

Holy shit

[wellgreathereiam]

I went to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference and went to a workshop held by a chiropractor who works with trans men (as well as being a trans man himself), so I’m going to pass on his advice to people who bind:

Stretch your chest, shoulders, and back everyday (at least)

This is a passive stretch where you place a foam roller at the bottom of your spine (to support your hips and lower back), and lifts your shoulders off of the ground, with your arms on the ground to balance you.

This stretch is meant to be held for a few minutes, open up your chest, and aid your everyday posture.

You probably don’t own a foam roller, he advised to wrap a towel or blanket very tightly and tied as a substitute. I use a layer of bed foam rolled up with two belts to keep it rolled. Whatever you use, it ought to have a bit of give and it needs to lift your shoulders off the ground.

—————————————————————————

This is an active stretch. Stand in front of a doorway with your feet together (if the door way was not there, your toes would be touching the wall, not crossing through it). When you lift your arms up and put them against the wall, your feet, hips, and arms should all be in line with each other (your arms should not be behind you with your feet and hips in the doorway).

Make a “W” shape with your arms against the wall so that your elbows are the closest part of your arm to the ground, and take one small step forward.

You should feel a pull in your lower shoulders, but it should be comfortable to hold. Do not over stretch, you shouldn’t be leaning your weight into your arms to balance, your weight should be balanced by your legs. Do not judge yourself and think you are doing yourself a favor by thinking that you ought to have a bigger step. Sure, you could overstretch today, but you need to be able to do this tomorrow too! Hold this for 10-15 seconds. (Yet again. Do. Not. Overstretch.)

Bring your feet back together, and do it the other foot. There will probably be one foot that is easier than the other, stretch that step more often than the less difficult step.

Bring your feet together and bring your elbows up so that your upper arms are parallel to the ground and your elbow forms a 90° angle with your forearms. Take your small step forward and hold for 10-15 seconds and switch feet.

Now reach your arms up as high as you can. It doesn’t have to be much higher than the last stretch, if that is as high as you can go, then that’s it. If you can’t reach higher than the last stretch, put your arms down at your sides and then lift your arms up from your sides and put them against the wall (sorry he didn’t include a picture of this one in the slides, message me if this is unclear.)

Your goal is to be able to reach your arms up like in the picture so that you form a Y shape. Step forward and hold for 10-15 seconds, then switch feet.

His advice was to do this stretch as often as you use the bathroom at home (shoot for 3-5 times a day).

—————————————————————————

The next two stretchs don’t have pictures! If you can do these stretches with ease and want a more intense version, try using dumbbells and incorporating it into your workouts.

If you’ve ever done snow angels? Put your heels, butt, shoulders, and arms up against a wall (as much of your body as you possibly can should be touching the wall) and lift your arms up as high as you can go like you are making a snow angel.

Alternatively, lay down on the ground instead of up against a wall if you need to work your way up to lifting your arms above your head.

—————————————————————————

Again, with your body up against the wall, but this time with your arms in front of you, bring your arms up like Frankenstein’s monster, so that they are as high as your shoulders. Hold this for a few seconds.

—————————————————————————

After trying these stretchs, it’ll probably be clear where your range of motion is most limited. For me, the most useful stretches are the W and 90° angle doorway stretch and foam roller stretch, bc I have the most trouble with my lower shoulders and chest. Try to maintain your range of motion where you have it, and use these stretches to improve your range of motion where you are limited.

[yardsards]

One thing that a lot of transmasc people struggle with before they fully realize they’re trans is the question of “do I hate being treated like a woman because women are treated like shit, or do I hate being treated like a woman because I’m not a woman?”

and one method (though not entirely foolproof) to figuring that out is asking “would I be upset if another girl was treated like this?”

like, I’d be just as mad if some dude said “you can’t do math because you’re a girl” to a female classmate as I would if he said it to me

however, I never got uncomfortable at waiters calling my female friends “m'am”, I was only uncomfortable when they called *me* that

and obviously everyone’s feelings are different and there’s tons of variables at play, but if you find that there’s a lot of the second scenario going on with you, there’s a good chance you’re not entirely cis

[aerialsquid]

Where was this post 18 god damn months ago.

[genderadvice]

So I’ve thought I might be non-binary for a while now. I want to wear masculine clothes and cut my hair shorter but I’m typically very feminine. While the she pronoun kind of makes me uncomfortable, I like to put up my hair and do my makeup. Am I just a needy white girl trying to get attention? What are the defining qualities? I want to be sure so I can shut myself down with no wiggle room. Thanks!

Hey there! I’ve answered a few questions like this regarding self-doubt - you might want to look through my “answered asks” tag. 

Basically the one huge thing that I kept in mind while helping feel justified and valid as a nb person was the fact that cis people often go through their entire lives never for a second doubting that they’re cis. If you’re entertaining the idea of being nb, the chances is that you are in fact nonbinary. 

Also, nonbinary people can dress and express themselves the same way as cis people - it’s not about the outward appearance you have.

[queer-all-year]

QueerUndefined.com: Urban dictionary, but make it queer.

queer undefined is a crowdsourced queer dictionary of LGBTQ+ terminology – but it’s more about complicating definitions than boxing us in.

if you want to know what to call yourself, if you wish more people knew what your identity means, if you’re not sure what the difference between bi and pan is – this site is for you. Go check it out, and submit some definitions!

so far i have ~300 definitions, and i could use some more!

[genderadvice]

Hey, I’m currently still discovering and working out my gender identity. I feel like I don’t really identify as any gender(as I said, still working it out), but I kinda like the prospect of having a male name. I was just wondering if you had any advice or anything. Anything is appreciated, thank you so much!❤️😊

I have an “answered asks” tag if you want to check it out, but one similar question I answered is here if you want to read it. Basically it boils down to do what makes you happiest and stay safe.

- Icarus

[genderadvice]

Need advice. I am genderfluid but cannot pass. I am not interested in transition since my gender is a bit complicated at times, but I was wanting advice on better ways to pass as female. I am born male and have a very masculine jawline which makes passing very difficult.

I wish I could offer better advice, since I’m trans-masc so I know more about “passing” the other way. Here are some thoughts off the top of my head, though. 

Wearing a bra and stuffing it. Wearing skirts or dresses if you’re comfortable. Also makeup. Wearing things that aren’t as baggy; things more fitting to your figure. 

Also, quite a lot is actually in how you walk and sit. It’s more “feminine” to walk as if you’re walking on a line rather than on either side of it, if that makes sense. And a more “feminine” way of sitting is to take up a lot less space. 

I hope these sparked any ideas or could help at all. I’d definitely look into places that give advice to trans women since they’ll have a multitude of resources available.

- Icarus

[genderadvice]

i'm not sure how to describe my gender other than what i want to look like. i kinda want to look just masculine enough that if i dressed slightly feminine, nobody would be able to guess my gender, that if i wore like a dress and makeup i'd look like a girl, and if i wore men's clothes i'd look like an effeminate guy (but definitely still a guy.) i find myself uncomfortable with being called girlfriend/girl/lady/miss but idk. i know i'm nonbinary but i don't know what else

You probably know this enough but as always I just want to emphasize that what you present as never has to “match” your gender. 

That being said, I know that when you’re trying to figure it out it’s easiest sometimes to look at more “concrete” feelings like how you want to dress. 

If you’re looking for labels, I’d suggest maybe androgyne or bigender/polygender? Perhaps even demigender. 

- Icarus