hi my name is ren and i am 19 years old. i have diagnosed adhd and am a het. romantic bisexual. i started this blog purely for fun so i don't take it very seriously. though i will accept requests, i probably won't do any games or shit.
i mainly write for characters i understand or relate to or like. i write fluff, angst and maybe smut if i feel like it.
i play genshin and am addicted to honkai star rail lmao. i am AR 56 and TL 36. in genshin i main kaeya and my favorite character is fischl or tighnari. in hsr, i main qingque and my favorite character is kafka.
📽️ CREDIT SCENE ; RULES & DNI
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NEVER plagiarize my work and post it on your own blog or any other sire. reposts are okay though. if someone sees my work on another site, please let me know.
do not interact if you are homophobic, racist, ablelist, anti-semitic / pro-nazi, if you support elon musk, if you are against (healthy) feminism, etc.
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i've been trying my best to collect a bunch of links to other, more structured resources about the genocide in gaza, and what you, reading this, can do about it, that i'm going to compile here.
DON'T SCROLL PAST. LOOK THROUGH THE LINKS. REBLOG.
less and less people are talking about gaza every day, but it is still a very real crisis.
education, donations, speaking out, global links (masterpost)
links to contextual articles
for americans - state/congressional contacts
how you can help palestine - donations, petitions, campaigns, upcoming protests (masterpost)
non-politically motivated charity links
canary mission
petitions and congressional contact (masterpost)
education, current news, taking action, direct action and donations, current protests (masterpost)
small monetary actions
2700 ebooks on israel and palestine, available for free
thorough article by storiesfromgaza, dated 10/30/23
targeted boycott + bds
how to find state/congressional contacts, bds, email template, donation links
sudan and congo
egypt, us/uk/canada/europe congressional contacts
direct links to help palestine
educate yourself (twitter links)
translating gaza (instagram link)
bds/targeted boycott information
compilation of palestine info and how to support it (masterpost), dated 10/28/23
latest info as of 11/3/23 and large amounts of immediate action to take (masterpost)
history of palestine and israel - articles, books, films, social media (masterpost)
The Big Damn List Of Stuff They Said You Didn't Know
Listen to this episode from Cocktails & Capitalism on Spotify. Continuing the story of Palestine, Leeh outlines the Great Arab Revolt and th
What will the maps of Palestine and Israel look like if Israel illegally annexes the Jordan Valley on July 1?
Five free eBooks on the colonization and ethnic cleansing of Palestine
Here we have collated our free ebooks, reading lists and ongoing publishing on the Verso Blog. These resources challenge much of the zionist
Pluto Books Free Palestine Reading List 30-50% off
LGBT Activist Scott Long's Google Drive of Palestine Freedom Struggle Resources
(includes some of the reading material recced below)
The Cambridge UCU and Pal Society Resources List
List of Academic and Literary Books Compiled by Dr. Kiran Grewal
Academic Books (many available in Goldsmiths library)
Rosemary Sayigh (2007) The Palestinians: From Peasants to Revolutionaries, Bloomsbury
Ilan Pappé (2002)(ed) The Israel/Palestine Question, Routledge
(2006) The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine, OneWorld Publications
(2011) The Forgotten Palestinians: A History of the Palestinians in Israel, Yale University Press
(2015) The Idea of Israel: A History of Power and Knowledge, Verso Books
(2017) The Biggest Prison on earth: A history of the Occupied territories, OneWorld Publications
(2022) A History of Modern Palestine, Cambridge University Press
Rashid Khalidi (2020) The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine: A History of Settler Colonialism and Resistance, 1917-2017, MacMillan
Andrew Ross (2019) Stone Men: the Palestinians who Built Israel, Verso Books
Ariella Azoulay and Adi Ophir (2012) The One-State Condition: Occupation and Democracy in Israel/Palestine, Stanford University Press.
Ariella Azoulay (2011) From Palestine to Israel: A Photographic Record of Destruction and State Formation, 1947-1950, Pluto Press
Jeff Halper (2010) An Israeli in Palestine: Resisting Dispossession, Redeeming Israel, Pluto Press
(2015) War Against the People: Israel, the Palestinians and Global Pacification
(2021) Decolonizing Israel, Liberating Palestine: Zionism, Settler Colonialism, and the Case for One Democratic State, Pluto Press
Anthony Loewenstein (2023) The Palestine Laboratory: How Israel exports the Technology of Occupation around the World (CURRENTLY FREE TO DOWNLOAD ON VERSO)
Noura Erakat (2019) Justice for some: law and the question of Palestine, Stanford University Press
Neve Gordon (2008) Israel’s Occupation, University of California Press
Joseph Massad (2006) The persistence of the Palestinian question: essays on Zionism and the Palestinians, Routledge Edward Said (1979) The Question of Palestine, Random House
Memoirs, Novels & Poetry:
Voices from Gaza - Insaniyyat (The Society of Palestinian Anthropologists)
Letters From Gaza • Protean Magazine
Raja Shehadeh (2008) Palestinian Walks: forays into a Vanishing Landscape, Profile Books
Ghada Karmi (2009) In Search of Fatima: A Palestinian Story, Verso Books
Mourid Barghouti (2005) I saw Ramallah, Bloomsbury
Izzeldin Abuelaish (2011) I Shall Not Hate: A Gaza Doctor’s Journey on the Road to Peace and Human Dignity, Bloomsbury
Cate Malek and Mateo Hoke (eds)(2015) Palestine Speaks: Narrative of Life under Occupation, Verso Books
The Works of Mahmoud Darwish
Human Rights Reports & Documents
Information on current International Court of Justice case on ‘Legal Consequences arising from the Policies and Practices of Israel in the Occupied Palestinian Territory, including East Jerusalem’
UN Commission of Inquiry Report 2022
UN Special Rapporteur Report on Apartheid 2022
Amnesty International Report on Apartheid 2022
Human Rights Watch Report on Apartheid 2021
Report of the United Nations Fact-Finding Mission on the Gaza Conflict’ 2009 (‘The Goldstone Report’)
Advisory Opinion on the Legal Consequences of the Construction of a Wall in the Occupied Palestinian Territory, International Court of Justice, 9 July 2004
characters. xiao zhongli diluc kaeya childe neuvillette x gn!reader
genre. romantic fluff.
an. squish. squish | please reblog!! im getting back into writing and reblogs with tags and comments will make me want to write more :D
xiao
his cheeks go red – not from your pinching! he can't believe you've done this. jail. jail for reader for 1000 years. but to be very honest... xiao doesn't really mind, after a while. he might go red and mumble under his breath, but surely the pinching of his cheeks isn't the worse thing he's had to endure, right? if you continue doing this, it may become his... sort-of preferred affection. just saying. the embarrassed blush never really goes away, though.
zhongli
gets embarrassed, tries to pry your hands away, but to no avail. who knew you were so strong? his words get jargled with the way you're holding his cheeks, a soft tinge of crimson painting them. for someone so old, his baby cheeks never truly went away. it's quite cute, really – seeing him giving in to the pinching after seeing the pout on your face. if he's had enough, zhongli kisses you to stop the pinching. it always works.
diluc
is this really necessary? he mumbles, his eyes not making any contact with you. physical affection made up a big part of your relationship, but this? it was something reminiscent of his childhood – when adelinde fawned over him like this... when he was the only son of the ragnvindr household. diluc doesn't push your hands away at all... perhaps the king of mondstadt is more soft-hearted than he looks.
kaeya
kaeya has never truly had someone offer him this kind of physical affection – the most he got was from a much younger, happier, and healthier diluc. crepus and adelinde were around, but kaeya always couldn't help but notice the slight distance that was put between them. when you first pinch kaeya's cheeks. he doesn't ask you to stop – rather, he kisses your hand and asks you what that means.
childe
laughs, and pinches you back in retaliation. it reminded him of the times where he used to lovingly annoy tonia and teucer, but this time? peppered with cheek kisses after, exactly on the sore spots. you laugh when childe asks you if you think that this is funny, and shakes his head playfully when you reply with a giggly yes. it's worth it though – seeing the sweet smile on your face after.
neuvillette
doesn't quite understand how to react. on one hand, a part of him is screaming in embarrassment. the chief justice, standing in the courtyard, with his lover cooing and pinching his cheeks? the other part of him is just happy to see you. neuvillette gently pries your hands away and leads you to a more private part of the opera èpiclése, smiling, and kissing the top of your forehead. there are more sun showers that day.
part two of two. cw: slightly ooc / could be read as slight yandere xiao. someone special makes an appearance !
22 / 8 / 23
soft moonlight seeps into the room you and xiao share. silent as a cat, he stalks into the room. his mask vanishes into a thousand green orbs into the air. today has been a long day helping out the traveller, and though adepti didn't need to sleep, he was looking forward to the inevitable relaxation that your shared room always held.
except, something was completely wrong.
your stuff- where did it go? all the small trinkets he'd gotten you over the years had suddenly vanished from the night table. your clothes hung non-existent in the dresser. all of the pictures that you and he carefully placed on the walls and shelves were removed.
thoughts swirled through his mind with confusion and ire. did someone break in? no, impossible. there were no signs of desperation nor manhandling. maybe you were visiting family? if so, why would you take with you the memories the two of you made together? unless..
no. he forcefully rejects the idea. you wouldn't leave. why would you leave? oh no...
a glowing image of the traveller materializes in his mind, only then to be shattered by the image of you in tears. the weight of a thousand dams of emotions breaking onto him, xiao teleports to qingyun peak. from the highest point in liyue, he's sure he'll find you.
how did you leave without him knowing? there's no way he couldn't have known. why didn't he stop you from leaving?!
"xiao, i love you,"
your last words crashed into him like a truck. was that why? because you thought he didn't love you anymore? i have to find you, he gritted his teeth, no matter what.
as he searches throughout the nation, time grows stagnant. the rise and fall of the sun and the cycles of the moon becomes insignificant to him. monsters ravage the guili plains as a result of his neglect. even rex lapis has come to address xiaos remiss of his duties.
a whole moon has passed since you disappeared. the yaksha searched the whole nation, deep into the lush rainforests of sumeru, across the dandelion plains of mondstadt, and even in it's large gated walls, venturing deep into the chasm but to no avail. it's as if you've been completely wiped off the face of the earth.
if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results, then xiao has become insane, each day waking up where the only thought in his mind is you. you are the reason he walks and breathes, bringing you back home his new purpose.
he stands atop the balcony of wangshu inn, replaying your final conversation for the hundredth time, a knot tightening in his chest every time his thoughts drift to you. tightening his grip against the wooden rail, his whole body tenses up when he feels a finger poke into his shoulder.
for a second, he is sure it is you. you, who have finally come back to him. after all this time, he can finally rest and lay in your warm embrace like he used to. thousands of 'im sorry's would leak endlessly from his lips as he would hold you closer than ever. he would make things right. he would make sure you would never feel this way again. he doesn't hide his large smile as he turns to see you-
only it isn't you. it is the traveller, whom he left you for. while the smile on his face fades, the smile on theirs grows.
as they extend their arms, ready to embrace their new lover in an embrace, he flinches violently. the traveller blinks in response. at their side, paimon wears a confused expression on her face.
"xiao? is everything alright?" they ask, concern lacing their voice. the yaksha narrows his eyes, his voice lowering into a growl.
"no, it's not alright. i never shouldve-" his head darts to the direction of inazuma. his eyes widen, realization washing over him. "this was a mistake, this was a huge mistake," he pants, shaking his head and stepping back. "xiao? xiao!" they call, but he is already gone.
as he flies over the ocean towards the archipelago, he wonders whether it's worth seeing you again. after all, you've gone to such efforts to never see him again. of course he understands, he hurt you beyond repair, but he can't deny the void you left in his heart when you left.
the adeptus finds himself atop tenshukaku, straining to hear your lost voice amidst the loud bustle of the city. voices of merchants and the rattling of carts and loud footfalls of stone drowned out any indication of your voice.
he waits there until nightfall, until it is quiet enough to hear. the moon reaches its peak in the sky before he finally hears your giggling voice.
xiaos heart swells. like a flower in the spring, it blossoms, full of love and excitement, but still beating with nervousness and fear. he's rehearsed what he's wanted to say over and over in his head. he's got one chance to make it right, so close to having you. he won't fail now.
he teleports closer to you, but still out of your sight. the yaksha takes a deep breath before stepping out of the shadows to meet you. this day has played out thousands of times in his head, and now that he's here, it feels like a dream come true.
"kazu! oh my god, you shouldn't have!" he hears you exclaim. still half shadowed in darkness, he freezes in his tracks. kazu? who in the world was 'kazu'?
his now-hard glare sweeps over your figure, you're still as beautiful as he remembers, practically glowing even though the sun was gone. however his gaze is wrenched away by a boy who stands close next to you. too close. who is he?
slipping back into the shadows, he follows you silently. all the way, you were smiling and giggling, the boy returning your affection only with a little smile. just like he used to, xiao thinks.
the knot in his heart returns. it's tight and suffocating, cutting off his short inhales and exhales. he wants to interject, wants to be that boys place. wants to beg you on hands and knees to come back to him. there is nothing in the world he wants more.
it takes all of his self-restraint to stay where he is. even though his body itches to move, his eyes stay glued to the pair of you. how your hand slides down his arm to link fingers with him. how you lay your head on his shoulder and walk in sync. how your eyes sparkle like stars when you gaze up at him.
that's it, he thinks. ive seen enough. the knot in his chest is now unbearable, the air filling his lungs burning like molten lava, it feels like a hand is wrapped around his neck and won't let go.
stealing one last glance at you, he manages a small sad smile onto his face. at least you're happy ...
albedo's a guy who's hard to read. he's not super expressive—most of the time, at least. you see the most of his facial expressions.
he occasionally smirks from time to time, adding a teasing remark. and that's his way of flirting with you.
it's subtle, but it worked. (obviously—you had to get together somehow.)
but, it wasn't from the very first meeting. a lot of time and trust had to be passed before his first bit of flirting.
speaking of which—that's his love language. he loves spending time with you. there don't have to be any words, any touches... just you there with him.
whether that's him painting you (who's trying to resist laughter and movement), having you help him with his experiments, or simply sitting together and eating lunch... he likes being with you.
this should also be a given—you babysit klee. all the time. preventing her from causing explosions everywhere she goes, for one—but also just playing with her. you guys play dress-up a lot!!
albedo may occasionally watch you guys in silence. he finds it cute how well you guys bond :)
but also, speaking of dress-up... you and klee have probably messed with him while he's asleep.
stickers on his face, drawing mustaches, and giving him a rudolph nose have all been done before.
(you did take a picture after just the stickers were put on his face. he looked adorable, you couldn't help it.)
he woke up, and was smart enough to realize what both your giggling meant—but, he went along with it. until you guys (subtly) showed him what he looked like in a mirror, he played dumb with a confused smile on his face.
"hm? is something wrong?"
"pfft—mr. albedo just has a funny sleeping face!!"
"that's right! he wakes up so funny."
"oh, is that so? all this time, i thought i slept expressionlessly."
"not at all!"
"is it really that funny? should i do something about it?"
"no!! don't do anything!"
"i don't think experimentation will help with this..."
on other notes, you're constantly up in dragonspine with him. sucrose and timaeus now see you on a regular basis, and they ask you for help with things.
you usually end up staying pretty late. nights in dragonspine are cold, so he helps you warm up while he finishes his work so you guys can go home.
you have unintentionally taken 10 blankets home because you kept them wrapped around you as you returned home. oopsie?
playing with his hair is so relaxing. it's so fluffy when it's loose!! speaking of which—you're the one that does his hair every day. the braid doesn't braid itself...
klee might add a few random braids to the front when she's bored. she likes it, so albedo is content. she then braids the braids. then braids the braids of braids.
it's such a funny image—albedo's completely unbothered by it all. he's probably just letting it happen while he's filling out a few reports, or something.
he pulls tiny pranks on you. they're so tiny, that no one would know they're pranks other than you—it's his form of an inside joke.
he paints with you a lot. no matter your talent level, it's a really comforting experience. most of the time, you sit in silence and paint your subject, occasionally glancing at each other and smiling.
the rest of the time, you smear paint on albedo's face. he's now got whiskers and a nose, and you've got polka dots scattered on your cheeks.
"look, you're so cute now!"
"are you implying that i wasn't before?"
"no, that's not it... you're just a cat, now."
"don't you mean: you're just a cat, meow?"
"hilarious."
"i do try."
he's a great listener. if he hears you mention a place, you better believe that he'll take you there.
albedo's kisses tend to be short and sweet. he's got things to do and places to be, but not before giving you a small peck on the cheek.
he likes to kiss your nose. he thinks it's funny.
he does that thing where he grabs your waist to move you. instant butterflies, but he's so chill about it!!
it's almost annoying how chill he can be about it. why can't he feel nervous or get butterflies, too??
notes. it is nice to be back (i have no motivation to write) BUT i am determined to get back into it so PLEASE PLEASE when i reopen requests send me something (preferably not assclass but... if you want it then okay)
ANYWAYS take this as an apology it's been a while since i've thought much about albedo
in ! : promises they make, and do they keep them ?
a / n : gender neutral reader as always. trying to set a good schedule and not post too, too much, but if i don't immediately write, i just can't.
fluff or angst, it's a russian roulette 🩷
XIAO PROMISES ...
... that he will always be there. he doesn't say it outright, but it's a pledge he holds himself to. be that when you call, or when you silently long for him in your heart, he will do the best he can for you. over the course of his mostly unchanging life, he will definitely keep that promise. your happiness, of course, is a priority to him. that priority comes only second to your safety. as soon as he thinks that you are in danger because of him, he will leave. but even as you move on, he does not, still keeping his promise to watch over you, always.
KAZUHA VOWS ...
... always to come back. long days in ritou are spent thinking about him and his safety at sea, and when he will ever come back. the crux crew sets sail every few months, but each time doesn't get any easier. kissing you one last time before he leaves, he always promises that he'll come back. you believe him, of course. you believe him, until the months he is absent turn into years. waiting at the dock for his arrival, he must have encountered a delay, right? he couldn't have broken his promise to you. he couldn't be... gone ... right?
NINGGUANG COMMITS ...
... to providing you a life of utmost luxury. what is the worth of all her wealth if she cannot provide for the one she loves the most? the tianquan showers you in gifts every day, each one more ravishing than the next. if you protest, she'll simply find ways to slip past your words, offering excuses for her purchases. even as you sigh and make her promise to cut back on the amount she's spending, she's already made the opposite promise to herself! but, she does eventually spend a little bit less on the gifts offered to you. keyword: a little.
KAEYA ASSURES YOU ...
... that you're his star. his shining light guiding you through the night that is his life. there is nothing in life more important than you, he says. he lies. you see him at the bar through the window whenever you pass by, laughing with someone else. you rarely get to see the calvary captain you were once proud to call your lover. now, he spends the days shut in his office, and the nights in the tavern. if what he says is true, and you really are the star in his life, then the traveller is the sun, outshining you in every way single way.
JEAN SWEARS ...
... that she'll take it easy. you're her lover, your words mean the world to her, they aren't just something she'll brush off. if you tell her to lighten her load she will try- albeit begrudgingly. slowly but surely, she learns how to fall back onto others. jean hasn't felt relaxation in a long while, the pressure on her always requiring her to be perfect. but with you, the stress of everything vanishes. supporting her from the sidelines and on the front, you're her everything, there is nothing else she could wish for.
in ! : you're his whole world. how does he show that to you ? (love languages lmao)
a / n ! : i tried to make this pretty... i think it worked !
18 / 8 / 23
✧ XIAO IN LOVE ...
... is oblivious and shy.
it's not his fault his emotions are too big for him to comprehend! because of this, he is unwilling to initiate any sort of romantic gesture, whether this be pda, almost any words of endearment or time together. instead, he tries to be helpful to you. there is a ruin he heard you wanted to explore? he will clear out all the monsters to keep you safe. are your arms sore from work? rex lapis has told him of teas that can cure physical aches. baby doesn't know how to "love the right way", but coming from xiao, every kind of love is right ♡
✧ SHIKANOIN HEIZOU IN LOVE ...
... is confident and flirty.
though his words are sweet, his actions are sweeter. whenever you come out of work, he is there ready to link arms with you and walk home together. he cant help it, you're just too cute whenever he gives you an unsuspecting kiss on the cheek! he loves to lean in whenever he's listening to you talk- he really is a flirt at heart! you don't have to worry about his sweet words with others, since you know by the passionate way he kisses you that his heart belongs to you ♡
✧ THE WANDERER, KUNIKUZUSHI IN LOVE ...
... is tough, but with a soft spot for you.
why would he want to act all lovey-dovey? sickly romance makes his teeth ache, so why would he intentionally make himself cringe with how he presents himself to you? he half intentionally avoids pda and affirmation, half just isnt capable of doing it. instead, he quietly listens to the things going on in your day. when you offhandedly mentioned that you wanted samosa for dinner that day, you didn't expect him to cook it?! he doesn't say anything, just grumbles under his breath. the dish was delicious, don't forget to thank him with a kiss ! ♡
With Xiao patience is key, Xiao needs time before he can truly trust someone so if you wanna pursue a relationship with him then you need to be prepared to wait.
Xiao is not very open about his feelings as considering what he’s been through. So he’s very prone to try to deny his feelings and bottle them up, uncommonly resulting in him blowing up.
Xiao is an extremely loyal friend and when/if you get closer to him he’ll start to talk a little more. Before it was just you doing the talking and initiating the conversations, but Xiao will start to ask you basic conversation starters like “how has your day been?” or “ the weather is really nice don’t you think?”
please don’t make fun of him he’s trying his best 💀
Sometimes Xiao will wonder if it’s really best for the both of you to be in a relationship/pursue one. Because of his karmic debt Xiao feels like one day something bad will happen to you or you’ll get hurt because of him, which causes him to distance himself from you
Xiao sometimes needs reassurance that he’s not alone and that there are people who do care about him
He’s so awkward when he try’s to ask for attention because he feels it’s so ooc for him so most of the time he waits till you come up to him 😭
I firmly believe that Xiao isn’t really a fan for full-on hand holding but really likes linking pinkies. He’ll hold your hand if you want to but he won’t initiate it
Xiao really really likes quality time with you. He loves the quiet and serene moments he get to share with you because he feels that’s when a person is the most vulnerable and it’s the most intimate thing he can do without feeling like his head is gonna explode
To really click with Xiao you have to understand that he’s not going to open up to you the first time you meet or the first day you two made it official. He’s a pretty reserved and closed off guy so just trust that he’ll tell you the things he wants to tell you when he’s ready
Xiao doesn’t have any mora and doesn’t want any either, calling it “frivolous mortal nonsense” so don’t expect him to take you to any fancy restaurants or buy you expensive things
Xiao shows his love and appreciation with actions as he thinks actions speak louder than words, so if he were to get you something it would probably be a nice seashell he saw, a pretty rock, or flowers he picked in the wild
Xiao understands that he may come off as stand-offish to some and uninterested but he’s not he’s just awkward and he’s just not a talker. He would try to look engaged with the conversation but it wouldn’t help 🤥
When it comes to love languages Xiao’s personal favorites would be quality time and gift giving. If one of your love languages is physical affection then it would take some time for Xiao to be comfortable with it, only because it’s a pretty foreign concept for him
I love you’s from Xiao are pretty rare as like I said, he likes to show his love through actions but when he does he’ll only say it when he feels the time is right
xiao was busy. you'd signed up for this when you accepted him into your heart. you knew he wouldn't always be the most present lover, but you were okay with that... right?
lately, it seemed he never had time for you anymore. he would leave your shared room early in the morning, and be back well after midnight. it felt like you were never able to see him anymore, like he was more of a roommate than your boyfriend.
you were more than aware of the karmic debt plaguing his existence, how the gales of the storm in his mind rushed without relent. once, you believed that you quelled these winds. once, but not anymore.
from the balcony where you stand fixed, the sight of your lover and the traveller engraves itself in your mind all over again. like an anchor weighing in your heart, the image suffocates you, but you can't seem to look away.
xiao had always been rather friendly with the traveller. he'd always answer their call right away, whether he was in the middle of something or not. he would drop everything to go meet them. he'd call them a close friend. for a while, you believed his words.
but is what's transpiring between them close friends? the way he doesn't flinch back when they get so close that their noses practically touch? the way he holds their hands like he'll never let them go? the way he smiles and laughs, when he never smiles nor laughs with you?
minutes feel like hours until finally, his gentle but calloused hands you grew unacquainted withdrew from the travellers hand. with a flash of green, he disappeared. but the traveller's gaze stayed.
from the sudden creak of wood from behind you, it wasn't hard to guess who'd just showed up.
"oh," he says, his tone distant and far. "you're still awake?" though he asks it as a question, there is no concern behind the words. no worry as to why you were up this hour. the words feel empty, and lifeless.
you can't bring yourself to look at him. not after what you just saw. all along, all these months of slow but sure detachment between you and your... lover, if you could even call him that now. all these months, subconsciously you knew that he'd found someone else. that someone knew had made him feel at peace. happy, like you used to make him feel.
maybe even happier.
"xiao," you say desperately as you hear him leave, "i love you," maybe, he'll say it back. in the seconds that he remains silent, hope blossoms in your chest. though the chance is slim, maybe he'll say it back. maybe im just thinking things, maybe he really does-
"i know."
his words crash into you like a tidal wave. he meets your eyes. his amber eyes are hard and cold, as if your words didn't mean anything to him. eye contact only lasts for a few minutes before you stare at the ground, eyes stinging.
"oh.." not even listening to your sorrow, he walks away, leaving you all alone. only the moon bears witness to your sorrow; the betrayal of a lover who you thought would love you forever.
though the balcony floor is hard and cold, you'd rather sleep here, than in the despairing hard and cold gaze of your xiao.
xiao was busy. you'd signed up for this when you accepted him into your heart. you knew he wouldn't always be the most present lover, but you were okay with that... right?
lately, it seemed he never had time for you anymore. he would leave your shared room early in the morning, and be back well after midnight. it felt like you were never able to see him anymore, like he was more of a roommate than your boyfriend.
you were more than aware of the karmic debt plaguing his existence, how the gales of the storm that manifested in his soul raged without relent. once, you believed that you quelled these winds. once, but not anymore.
from the balcony where you stand fixed, the sight of your lover and the traveller engraves itself in your mind all over again. like an anchor weighing in your heart, the image suffocates you, but you can't seem to look away.
xiao had always been rather friendly with the traveller. he'd always answer their call right away, whether he was in the middle of something or not. he would drop everything to go meet them. he'd call them a close friend. for a while, you believed his words.
but is what's transpiring between them close friends? the way he doesn't flinch back when they get so close that their noses practically touch? the way he holds their hands like he'll never let them go? the way he smiles and laughs, when he never smiles nor laughs with you?
minutes feel like hours until finally, his gentle but calloused hands you grew unacquainted withdrew from the travellers hand. with a flash of green, he disappeared. but the traveller's gaze stayed.
from the sudden creak of wood from behind you, it wasn't hard to guess who'd just showed up.
"oh," he says, his tone distant and far. "you're still awake?" though he asks it as a question, there is no concern behind the words. no worry as to why you were up this hour. the words feel empty, and lifeless.
you can't bring yourself to look at him. not after what you just saw. all along, all these months of slow but sure detachment between you and your... lover, if you could even call him that now. all these months, subconsciously you knew that he'd found someone else. that someone knew had made him feel at peace. happy, like you used to make him feel.
maybe even happier.
"xiao," you say desperately as you hear him leave, "i love you," maybe, he'll say it back. in the seconds that he remains silent, hope blossoms in your chest. though the chance is slim, maybe he'll say it back. maybe im just thinking things, maybe he really does-
"i know."
his words crash into you like a tidal wave. he meets your eyes. his amber eyes are hard and cold, as if your words didn't mean anything to him. eye contact only lasts for a few minutes before you stare at the ground, eyes stinging.
"oh.." not even listening to your sorrow, he walks away, leaving you all alone. only the moon bears witness to your sorrow; the betrayal of a lover who you thought would love you forever.
though the balcony floor is hard and cold, you'd rather sleep here, than in the despairing hard and cold gaze of your xiao.
