Gribouille

she/her || not American, 🇨🇵

[littlenapss]

[nerdicornthetrekkie]

[gamechangershow]

Sorry but it's not complete without...

[darlingofdots]

people who definitely know that Hollander and/or Rozanov have A Thing With A Man (of variably certain identity):

various dentists

hotel housekeeping staff

the kid who works late shifts at the drugstore where Ilya buys condoms (often) and lube (less often)

cleaners and laundry service employees

a kid on vacation with his parents in Vegas bored out of his mind because he's 14 and not allowed in the bars or casinos at their hotel and he's really hitting the grumpy teenager phase so he's pissed at his parents because he wanted to go birdwatching in the desert and instead he's on the hotel roof at night pointing his sick-ass binoculars (which he bought himself with money he earned by mowing their neighbours' lawns for a year) at the surrounding buildings and oh look there's two people making out on that rooftop terrace—wait, isn't that the guy from the Rolex ads?

Janice at the grocery store closest to the Hollander cottages who knows damn well that "David's boy" doesn't eat Nutella

the Voyageurs' nutritionist knows Hollander is fucking someone working for the Bears because he might not log it as sex but even Hollander doesn't actually do extra cardio after a game

employee at an airport phone repair kiosk in Chicago who was checking Ilya’s battery specs when "Jane" texted him "If I win you suck my dick first"

one of the parents at Game Changers Hockey Camp who is a couple's counsellor and a bit too good at her job

Gerry (78) three doors down from the Hollanders who has lived in his house since he was born and has made it his solemn duty to know everything that goes on in his neighbourhood

the owner of the bespoke jeweller's shop once Shane Hollander purchases the second ring, which is identical to the first, and a plain gold chain

the apprentice of the bespoke jeweller's shop a week before that when he recognises the ring he watched his boss make for Shane Hollander sitting on Ilya Rozanov's bare chest in a post-game interview on TV

[lavenderprose]

My absolute gospel truth and I'm sorry this is so sappy but--where I'm living, Ilya fully changes his name to Hollander when they get married, like just fully legally changes it. And despite the fact that he continues to use Rozanov professionally ("Just like J. Lo," Ilya says.) everyone who knows them personally obviously knows what Ilya's legal name is and also assume it's a way to kind of stick it to his shitheel father. To this end, and kind of as a joke at first, people start referring to their two-person unit as The Hollanders ("Okay, the Hollanders are in room 508" etc.) but it becomes steadily less and less a joke when neither Shane or Ilya really seems to think of it as one. Ilya especially seems to genuinely love it. He'll say shit like "Oh yes the Hollanders will be there" when asked if they're coming to a barbecue like they live in a postcard. He LOVES to give his name as Ilya Hollander and he LOVES to book reservations under 'Misters Hollander' and he LOVES to say the words 'Shane and Ilya Hollander' out loud with his mouth. I also think that for their last game together in the league Ilya and Shane wear jerseys that say S. Hollander 24 and I. Hollander 81 and it's like. An end of an era type thing. And they frame the jerseys.

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

I love the sochi outing au for so many reasons (like omg it has Obama rpf and hollonov are having their everlark plot) but my favourite thing about it is that Shane's ending is so much better than canon. He gets to keep his dream of staying at montreal!! He's going to retire there!! That's his city!! This version of Shane is probably more traumatised then Canon and yet the ending is so much better that it really goes to show just how bad the tlg ending is. For so many reasons but also bc it ruins the hr ending for me. The reason shane brings up ottawa is bc they can afford to pay ilya what he's worth, he can be captain there, and he can be the first line centre. The fact that apparently none of this matters to ilya when he suggests Shane moves to ottawa just makes him look like a massive dick and also makes me think that ilya should just have gone to montreal at the end of hr. "Oh but the rivalry means - " if people found out Shane got Ilya to come to montreal they would be high fiving him on every street in the city. Ahhhhhhhh thank you for writing aus that are saving me from this dog shit ending that I pretend is not real

YOURE SO RIGHT THOUGH

In the books, when they’re talking about Ilya switching to a Canadian team, Ilya proposes leaving Boston for a Canadian team himself. It is brought up explicitly because America is bad for Russians at the moment, and he wants non-Russian citizenship. And during the conversation, Ilya has this moment where he can tell Shane wants him to come to Montreal, but Ilya doesn’t want to because Montreal could never afford both of them. Ilya says “Not Montreal,” and Shane immediately understands. He proposes Ottawa as an alternative because it needs a star center and has the cap space for Ilya.

And, critically, I cannot find a single mention of the fact that Ottawa is a bad team in Heated Rivalry itself.

Like. Please correct me if I’m wrong. I can’t remember any mention of the fact that Ottawa is terrible. I pulled up the pdf of the book and searched couldn’t find a single mention of the word “Centaurs” in it. I searched every mention of the word “Ottawa” and couldn’t find a single mention discussing how Ottawa was a bad team. The closest we get is Shane saying that they need a star center, but still needing a star for one position is a very different thing than it being the shittiest team in the whole league. And you’d think that Ilya would maybe bring up the fact that that team is absolute ass and would destroy his career if he went there if that was a legitimate concern. The Long Game rewrites its own canon to victimize Ilya and make Shane the villain in the Ottawa move. Its claims are fundamentally and irrevocably inconsistent with the explicit text of Heated Rivalry.

The entire dialogue around Shane being selfish in the Ottawa move drives me absolutely raving insane because it is fundamentally based in revisionist history. Shane is at no point in the conversation a driving factor in Ilya’s decision to leave Boston. Ilya decides he wants to be on a Canadian team before he even talks to Shane. The fact that he wants to come to Canada specifically is because of Russia, not Shane. And picking Ottawa is for the sake of Ilya’s career.

Signing with Montreal is outright considered and rejected by Ilya so he doesn’t have to take a pay cut. The explicit reason why he doesn’t want to sign with Montreal is the fact that Montreal cannot afford both of them. And that decision is later recast entirely into Ilya picking Shane over hockey. If Ilya wanted to pick Shane, he would have just taken the pay cut in heated rivalry and they would have been playing on the same team since fucking 2018–and it would have been on a team that Ilya himself describes as “the most legendary team in the entire league.” He would have had a great team and been tearing it up winning Stanley Cups but he didn’t want to take the pay cut or hit to his captaincy and his position and Shane fucking understood that and found him an alternative that wouldn’t require him to sacrifice his own position.

They explicitly pick Ottawa so that Ilya’s career doesn’t have to suffer and then the Long Game revises the entire narrative to turn it into how Ilya sacrificed his career for Shane. It is absolutely nonsensical when read in light of their conversation around the move itself. They outright reject playing on the same team so Ilya doesn’t have to sacrifice his own career.

And then!! All of the reasons why Ilya shouldn’t have to sign with Montreal suddenly do not matter at all when it’s Shane who has to suffer them. Shane has to take a pay cut? Laugh it off. Hubby will provide. He loses his entire career as narrative punishment for “making” Ilya sacrifice his career, but signing with Ottawa was explicitly so that Ilya wouldn’t have to sacrifice his career. Ilya actually does what Shane is accused of and villainized for in The Long Game, and Shane never did it to begin with. I feel like I’m being gaslit by an entire fucking fandom. Can anyone hear me hello

Shane gets to keep his team in the Sochi outing au. He gets to retire there. I put him through so much shit in the sochi outing au, but he gets to keep his team. I am building him a dream team in my mind and it will be so fucking narratively fulfilling so help me god

[lilliesandpucks]

Down On The Ice, pt. 1

[yolkylemon]

💪 💦

ilya version

[snowsmoked]

Ilya has a lot of shame around aftercare. These days, now that Shane is his boyfriend and he can admit how much he loves him, aftercare is one of his favourite parts of sex.

He loves bringing Shane a warm towel, helping him wipe down. He loves massaging soap on Shane’s sore, but relaxed muscles in the shower. He loves bringing Shane a snack and feeding him by hand. He loves how boneless Shane goes, how snuggly and warm and carefree.

But he can never shake the feeling of deep regret after each time. He remembers how, for years, he did not do this for Shane. He would let himself indulge just as much as he dared, laying in bed together for a couple minutes, sometimes showering together (but that always ended in shower sex), throwing a towel or clothes at Shane.

The first time he tried to provide the type of aftercare he wanted, was the day Shane left him for Rose Landry. Shane insists he didn't 'leave him for Rose Landry' because A. they weren't together and B. he met Rose weeks later. But since Ilya was the one that got left, he feels entitled to call it how he wanted to.

"I'm sorry," Ilya apologized one day, running his hand through a pliant Shane's hair.

"For what?" Shane mumbled.

"For not doing this," Ilya said. "For so many years. For just kicking you out."

Shane sighed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Ilya."

"What?"

"You never just 'kicked me out,'" Shane scrunched up his nose. Adorable. "If you had tried to do this at first, I probably would have freaked out."

"You did freak out," Ilya sulked.

"I did," Shane smiled and leaned up to kiss him. "I love this, you know? I love that you take such good care of me afterwards."

Ilya felt warmth spread inside his chest. "I'm glad."

"But," Shane caught his eye. "I didn't need it. You always took care of me, maybe just not this much. But I never felt, I mean, almost never felt bad afterwards, except, you know."

Vegas. They had talked about that, extensively.

"But, Ilya," Shane continued, cupping his face in his hand. "I don't think that I need this as much as you do."

Ilya considered this for a moment. It was true - this settled Ilya, it convinced him that he did well, he took care of Shane, and made him happy. He didn't hurt him.

"You don't need this?"

"I do," Shane said. "But so do you. So if you're sorry about not doing it, so am I."

"But, I am..."

"You're what?" Shane challenged.

"You're right," Ilya conceded and gently pushed him back down. "Then let's both make up for lost time, yes?"

[salvadorbonaparte]

"on god's green earth" is way too fun to say even when you don't believe in god and know most of it is blue, actually

[ashlgcostumes]

Tag via @bluehairedspidey and vocabulary updated

[stilinscute]

Shane’s ideal birthday: just wants to be fucked six ways to Sunday, wants to spend literal hours in subspace, begs Ilya to let him cockwarm him, passes out at the end of the day sore and used and blissful.

Ilya’s ideal birthday: Shane takes him to the zoo, buys him a plushie from the gift shop, and Ilya cries when they visit the penguin exhibit. and THEN he gets to edge Shane until he’s a whimpering mess.

[lavenderprose]

Ottawa wins the Cup, wins it in LA, and due to the proximity to stardom and the several actual celebrities who make a point to come out and celebrate with the Centaurs, there are approximately seven hundred angles of the festivities on every social media by the following morning.

One of these is your classic TMZ highly invasive round-the-corner spy shot of Shane and Ilya--like, waiting for an Uber, is what it looks like, and the bass from inside the club is pounding and you can barely hear what they're saying except that the guy standing next to them is also TMZ and he's got a directional mic sticking out of his pocket pointed at them and when he gets into position you can hear Shane Hollander, like, fucking giggle.

"I'm sorry," Shane says, and his arms are around Ilya's neck. "I got--I'm a little drunk."

"It's okay," Ilya says, and he brushes a hand through Shane's hair. "Did you have fun?"

"Ye-s-s-s," Shane says, nodding his head decisively. "We won the Cu-p."

"Yes we did. I am proud of you."

"I'm proud of you!" Shane cups a hand around the back of Ilya's neck and giggles again into his shoulder. "Why aren't you drunk? I drank the same things as you--"

"I'm drunk," Ilya chuckles. "But I have twenty pounds on you and I am Russian, so."

"That's not a thing. That's not really a thing." Shane sighs and goes a bit boneless against Ilya's body and says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, uh--"

"Shh. You said you had fun, and this is all that matters. My beautiful winner." He kisses the side of Shane's face, loudly and repeatedly.

Shane makes a sound that Twitter, TikTok and Instagram comment sections will all agree is a purr.

There are also, by the following morning, about a hundred discrete comments on various platforms that all say some version of Oh I just know he talks him through it.

[luulapants]

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

[riddlemaster101]

#heated rivalry#cackling about shallergies verse#melissa getting a text that's just 'melissa they put fucking treenuts in my protein bar'#he does not need to specify which one#melissa sighs and puts on her glasses and gets to work#GOD melissa goes on vacation and hears the news that shane had an allergic reaction and is FURIOUS#WHO FUCKED WITH HER RECORD#NOT A SINGLE FUCKING TIME ON HER WATCH HAS SHANE HOLLANDER HAD A REACTION DURING THE SEASON#WHO WANTS TO DIE

via @penandinkprincess

[penandinkprincess]

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

(melissa does NOT know about mango time) (shane is kind of afraid of what she would do to him if she found out) (he cannot have melissa being mad at him it would actually send him into a nervous breakdown)

[penandinkprincess]

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

SQUARE THE FUCK UP, HOLLANDER

[penandinkprincess]

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and my god my HEART imagining shane his last year with the metros when people are turning against him and also food now feels more dangerous because he doesn't know if people are going to fuck with him or not and he just starts. inventing reasons to hang out in melissa's office when it's time to eat. because melissa makes food feel Safe, and rn a lot of things in his life feel so Not Safe. and listen...is it the healthiest coping mechanism? no. but melissa has also known shane long enough to understand that Something is amiss, so if he wants to hang out in her office to eat, she just gets a live update about what he liked and didn't like about the prep for today's lunch.

[penandinkprincess]

god my fucking HEART hurts thinking about shane slowly getting stricter and stricter with his food over the course of the last season with the metros because SO much of his life feels out of control and food is the one thing he has control over, and the idea of melissa who has worked with him for years and so gently helped him nip disordered eating tendencies in the bud now watching him getting worse and worse. and now we're slowly not talking about food as enjoyable anymore. and preference snapchats are starting to creep back into i need X calories and X protein and no other preferences come up territory.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and what a difference it would make to have "permission" from someone he's considered an authority for years in the workplace going, "you can choose something that's better for you."

[penandinkprincess]

extremely funny canon divergence opportunity in which shane thinks he's being subtle about snapchatting the tuna melts to melissa because she likes hearing that he's eating well on the road because eating not at home with mealpreps can be tricky and difficult, and then ilya is?? you are?? taking pictures??? of food?? what, you do instagram now???

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

(and if ilya puts a little extra effort into breakfast the next day because get FUCKED melissa, ilya is on the roster officially, too, then shane does not need to know that when he sends his snapchat)

[penandinkprincess]

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

so now ilya is still in this one-sided rivalry for shane's love while melissa is just fucking delighted at knowing this secret (and she DOESN'T say anything, even to shane. that's his move to come out if and when he wants.). so ilya is mentally killing Mystery Melissa with his mind and meanwhile actual melissa just finds it very sweet that ilya is fully adjusting his meals to be safe for shane when they're together even though she knows from their schedules they don't meet THAT often. like ilya is filled with hatred at there being a mistress in this SUPER casual thing he has with hollander that's SO casual, and meanwhile melissa is just, "ah, i'm rooting for you crazy kids <3"

[junkdrawertales]

when Ilya shows up to Shane’s hospital room after he gets hit there’s a bag of safe snacks in there labeled “Feel better! xoxo Melissa” and he has Feelings about it. If he ever finds this woman he’s going to key her car. It’s probably a stupid car too. Like an SUV. Hollander probably likes that. He would totally send boring food pictures to a girl who drives a boring SUV. Figures. …

Should Ilya buy an SUV?

[penandinkprincess]

GOD ilya manages to track down A Melissa through the grapevine because whispers on the team are that shane is in love with a melissa who's on staff, so he narrows it down to the three melissas and because of his impeccable gaydar dismisses registered dietician melissa because Oh For Sure Not Into Men, which leaves communications office melissa and legal department melissa. through stalking instagram for an amount of time he will NEVER admit to, he decides that communications office melissa is faithful to her boyfriend who pops up on her story regularly, but legal department melissa appears SUSPICIOUSLY single. also! has multiple pictures on her instagram of meals at restaurants!! the harlot!! he found her!! she's got a thing for food! it all makes sense! (ilya, for the love of god).

thus begins a fierce, burning hatred for COMPLETELY the wrong fucking melissa.

[fractally]

Oh one BIG reason I think the general public in Canada especially would be extremely pro-Shane Hollander even post-outing: he imports Ilya Rozanov and he doesn't leave Canada even when the situation in Montreal goes sideways

It's honestly impossible to overstate what a big deal that is. Canada constantly losing their hockey talent to US teams and the Stanley drought...it doesn't fucking matter what went down with those French Canadians, the rest of the country is ignoring that, he's still their hero.

When Ilya steps out in a Team Canada jersey at the 2026 Olympics and they crush team USA 6-0 in the gold medal match Shane would be instantly deified as the first Canadian saint.

[fallingtowers]

my promising gardening career was cut short when i was mauled by a rampaging basil plant

[fallingtowers]

you can use this handy mnemonic to remember the planets of the solar system

[devilishdescent]

mercury penus gearth cars wupiter caturn shuranus weptune iluto wluto mluto bluto aluto rluto bluto pluto

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

"lupita nyong'o can't be helen of troy because helen was greek and there weren't black people in ancient greece"

DO YOU THINK THESE MOTHERFUCKERS DIDNT HAVE BOATS. THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS ABOUT ONE OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AND HIS BOAT

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

do you think these people can read

[phoenix]

Best comment I just saw "Helen of Troy was perfectly cast, because all these men are fighting about her."

[clairenovvak]

“did the journal factory burn down” is funny but doesn’t reflect my true views which are i love to follow people who overshare every moment of their day

[tinylilhollander]

The night before Shane might win his third Stanley cup, Ilya sends him the clip of his Stanley cup win.

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

On the night Shane wins his fourth Stanley cup, he hoists the cup into the air with his captain, they both kiss the same spot on the trophy, and then in front of the world, on his home ice, Shane Hollander kisses his husband, and it feels like a promise fulfilled.