Momma Molly’s Smut-bunny Saviour #1
Here is where I will tell the kiddies to look away, and lock us in this room, so my own children never hear this conversation. I think Percy would faint. This lessons (if you couldn’t tell by the title) is not for kids. I have been noticing a set of rising trends in role play and fan fiction. Trends that relate to the writing of smut. Certain words have come creeping into common use, that really do work against the writer, in achieving their desired response from the reader. I have decided, as an experienced mother of seven, a woman who knows her way around ‘the deed,’ to save you from yourselves. Here are some tips, to help you on your way. (Examples are drawn from things I have actually seen, so don’t judge me too harshly for them. Oh, and expect an obnoxious number of et ceteras.) 1) Pay attention to such things as where the chosen word is placed. There are different rules for where a word might sit in dialog and where one might fall in the narrative (the story being told outside of speech). If your chosen word is in the narrative, there are far stricter rules on what sounds good. Example: there’s a difference between one bloke telling his mate, “she’s got tits out to here,” and the narrative saying, ‘her tits were very big and bouncy.’ Coarse words, like ass, or any abbreviated word (nips, clit, etc.) have no place in the narrative. Their only place is in the dialog, if anywhere. 2) Avoid being too clinical. No one cares if you went to medical school, when you’re writing sex scenes. And no one wants to be reminded of a text book or a corpse, when they’re getting in the mood. Well, some people do, but necrophiliacs aren’t the majority of your audience. Avoid directly literal names that you would lift from a text book. These words sound rough, crass, indelicate, and also very medical (A.K.A. boring). Examples: Vulva, vagina, penis, blood engorged anything (just avoid blood, altogether, unless it’s external-blood drinking is fine), phallus, uterus, anus, colon, cervix, semen, sperm, fluid, arousal, lubrication, clitoris, labia/labial, fold, wrinkle, testicles/testes, appendage, prostate (as in prostate-stabber), muscle/love muscle/life muscle, perineum, organ, limb, etc. Even member can sound clinical. 3) Avoid most short U sounds. That dreaded uh hangs there, like a mouth about to vomit. Some of these tend to sound or feel aggressive, as well. Unwelcoming and sandy. It turns off a good 60+ percent of your readers, even if they’re too polite to say so. I’ve developed this theory about the uh sound, and it seems to hold true. Examples in the flesh: front bum, love tunnel/fun tunnel/cream tunnel, pleasure nub, nub/nubbin (this makes me think of trying to make a vestigial tail or extra nipple erotic), butt, nut(s), fur, fur burger, cunt, smut (funny word, not sexy word), chubby, fuck stem, spunk/spunk trumpet and love trumpet, purple helmet yogurt chucker, vulva (and any of the above that fit the bill), pussy, mushroom/Mr. Mushroom, muff, muffin, humps/lumps (I don’t care if they’re your lovely lady lumps, nothing will make your cases of scoliosis and the mumps sexy, Honey), bulge/bulging, stump, slug (whether in Shell-shedding slug of affection, or When he went down on me, it felt like a slug in a slip-n-slide, there’s no sexiness here), rump, bud (only if you’re desperate for a second clitoris word), button/fuck button (”), junk, jugs, bumper, dumper, cum dumpster, buns, truncheon, rug/rug-muncher, chunky, turgid, etc. Examples in the deed: cum/cummies, nut, bust a nut, hump, pump (less bad than hump), fuck (situationally dependent, not great for narrative), punch, spunk, munch, lunch, bump/bump uglies, nurse and suckle (you’re not a baby), dutch love and titty fuck, chug, tug, rub and tug, slurp, guzzle, gulp, sputter, splutter, fudge packing (don’t draw attention to the feces, unless that’s what your fic is all about, Friend), etc. And never say your dick up-chucked its load. Please. 4) Not all alliterations are attractive. I know, it sounds like it can’t be true! Listen, though. There is many an alliteration that just falls flat. Or even if they don’t, they tend to be more funny than sexy. Examples: Pocket rocket (that sounds both small and fast), panty poking, hanky panky, womb groom, tonsil tickler, thrill drill, bologna pony/baloney pony, throb knob, flail nail, gasm chasm, etc. 5) Avoid certain short, flat A sounds. They often sound harsh and unsexy. Examples: Twat (also the American pronunciation of twot is unpleasant), snatch, ass, grab, fat, vag, mack, fanny (either way you mean it), jack, rack, slap (as in slap a tit/slap the sausage), clam/bearded clam (you can refer to the clitoris as the pearl, but don’t call the vagina a clam), yank, wank, crank, gap, gland, spooge cannon, tallywhacker, sack, mams, gag/gagging, stab, etc. 6) Avoid these uncomfortable words: Moist, damp, dank, musky (if it’s his scent, fine, I guess. If it’s a lady’s particular intimate region, die in some fiendfyre), musty, fishy, hairy anything (hairy sounds wild, unkempt, vulgar- there are sexier ways of wording it), weeping, seeping, leaking, dribbling, drip stink, stank, odor (scent or aroma is much better. Trust me. Even perfume), girth/girthed/girthy, slime/slimy, soggy, spongy, slobbering, liquefied, oozing, fleshy, meaty, turgescent, etc. 7) Genitalia are not interchangeable with animals, unless you’re a bestiac. Words like pussy, beaver, squirrel, and kitty are juvenile. And that’s before you get to camel toe and moose knuckle, dog/hound-dog/crotch dog, dolphin, porpoise, crotch-daschund, snake (and any kind of snake), weasel, worm, flobberworm, the giraffe neck, lizard, trunk, etc. 8) These words may not have been placed in the above categories, but they are just not sexy. Essentially, if you’d hear it out of a 14 year old boy’s favourite joke, don’t use it. Those are better for jest than lust. Here are some examples. -Male anatomy- Non-descript: Dong, ding dong, dingaling, thingy, thing (the thing that rose, the thing that grows, the thing that looks like an exclamation point, and more. Outta call that one an interrobang! But seriously, they are all terrible), pecker, the south pole, wiener, schlong, hard-on, prick (sounds so tiny and portable!), anything with masculine in it (It’s a penis. It doesn’t need to be a camo painted penis for us to get that it belongs to a bloke), wood, peen, manliness/man-ness, package (stimulus, or otherwise), Johnson/John-Thomas (not unless you buy it a monocle), etc. Visuals: man root, stem (so slender!), sausage, lightning rod, silly string shooter, tree trunk, baby’s arm, man meat, baby-maker, meat train, meat tampon, carrot (man or otherwise), boner (that’s a term for mistake for a reason), beef slinky, Mr. Floppy (as in, Mr. Floppy stood at attention), stiffy, lollipop (skinny, with a wonky, fat head?), batter blaster, You-know-what (I don’t need to hear about Voltemort’s erection), fishing pole, pickle/puking pickle, porker, pork or beef anything, leaking crown, knob, noodle/man-noodle, throat spackler, log/leaking log, monster, one-eyed anything, throbbing mass, man-cannon, etc. Basically, it will rarely, if ever, sound good to have man in front of anything. Twig and berries, meat and two veg… Meat pipe, meat whistle or meat flute. Basically, if it starts with meat, or any kind of meat, just don’t use it. Really. Balls, coin purse, funbags, punching bags, eggs, danglers, nuggets, spuds/love spuds, kiwis, etc. Many people feel like stalk, dick and cock sound terrible or gross, according to research, so branch out. Try some new words. Some people feel that weaponry euphemisms are too aggressive, or that they advocate unwanted sexual violence. Maybe try writing without words like sword and sheath, cannon, missile (and meat missile or heat seeking moisture missile), spear, blade, gun/love gun/rifle/DNA rifle/egg sniper/beef bazooka, ram rod, projectile anything, weapon/pleasure weapon, hammer of anything/warhammer, drill/fucktool, pike, spike and spire (so pointy!), helmeted warrior, mauve avenger, axe and axe wound, reamer, cherry assassin, battering ram, etc. We’re generally not trying to draw blood, here.
-Female anatomy- Jumbos, titties/tits, boobs/boobies, knockers, funbags, peaches, hooters, tatas, pillows, hood, headlights, melons, sweater puppies, milk sacks, chest balls, etc. Triangular area (way to take the sexuality right out of it), baby-maker, fun factory, snack shack, carpet, cavity (holy, unholy and otherwise), honey-pot, lady town, minge (ginger minge?), gay man’s nemisis (because vaginas are all at war with men that don’t want them? Ridiculous), location, love wallet, hairy checkbook/wallet, mound, flesh mitten, driveway/garage/oven, box, taco, pleasure casino (adding pleasure to something doesn’t make it sexy, ffs), lady garden, letter O, love pocket/cock pocket, hole, sideways smile, downstairs mouth/down south mouth, valve, etc. And, again, I really must mention the ultra violent imagery that calls bleeding to mind, such as gash, slash, axe wound, love wound, slice, slit/slit of ecstasy, pin cushion, arena/combat arena, missile silo, etc.
Gender-neutral anatomy: poopshoot/poop cavern, rusty bullet hole, Hershey Highway, strata chocolata, chocolate starfish, chocolate hotdog hallway, brown eye, fudge factory, fart factory, etc. Don’t draw attention to the feces, if you want to keep the reader comfortable or into the writing. Back door, rear, hiney, hind quarters, fleshy globes, balloon knot, button, boy pussy/boi pussi, wrinkled or puckered kiss, anal fortress, booty, etc. Narrow alleyway, cock cave, pool of sex/pool of ecstasy, taint, etc. Business, region, vicinity, down there, etc. Pubes/bed of pubes. Also, sex/the sex/his sex/her sex. This one is so vague and so overused. It’s probably the worst skill-based thing about the writing of Anne Rice. “He put his sex in her sex, and it was sex. Preternatural sex.” Yeah, I said it.
Fluids and related terms: toothpaste (even if it’s ‘the toothpaste of love’), juice, spooge (frothy or otherwise), pearl necklace and money shot, jizz, pre-cum, mayonnaise, baby batter/baby gravy (no one should want to think about babies when someone is in the act of release. Seriously), man-milk (remember about just jamming man in there?), protein shake, tadpole yogurt, etc. And don’t use vanilla for semen, just because of the colour. I assure you, it doesn’t taste like it.
Other words or terms: she took it like a man (devalues a gender strong enough to deal with periods AND pushing out babies. I’d like to see you try that), popping, grope, pork/porking (funny, not sexy), bone, eating out, handjob/blowjob, gobble, getting your rocks off, getting off, etc. And don’t ever use the words ‘his dick erupted like a zit, spraying its white hot load.’ Ever. Not least of all because load isn’t a sexy word, and the rest of it is stomach turning. It was the worst thing I read in a fic for a year. 9) This is how we do it. Here are some good starter tips, to avoid these clichéd traps and unpleasant expressions: - Stretch your vocabulary. Explore new words and phrases. Create something original. - Try to think of the story you’re telling, and the characters in it. Would they think in a direction that aligns with your narrative? - Try to think of how the words you chose will inform your reader(s) about your feelings or your character’s feelings. Are your words devaluing the other character(s)? Are your words treating said character(s) as one would an object? Is that your intent, as the story teller? - Remember foreplay. - Try to consider what responses feel real or true. - Think about the actual physics involved. What things would cause stresses on the body, and where? How would this impact the movements that your character(s) enact? Sex isn’t a clean and harmless activity, if it’s rough, for example. So, here goes busting some myths, for the purposes of delivering helpful information. If you’re holding someone up against a wall, there’s going to be limited ranges of certain movements. You will probably bang your knees. If you’re holding someone up, you probably won’t be able to get a hand between the two of you, to fiddle with anyone’s bits, or up, to pull anyone’s hair. You would need an extra hand for that. Also, it’s important to note that your character will probably only have two hands. If you’re penetrating, that singular entry will probably not be a seamless thrust to your hilt. You’ve got to push or slide that thing in. Thrusting tends to come later, Sport. And speaking of ‘come later,’ simultaneous orgasms are rare, and usually involve some tantric discipline. You’re not going to nail that, each time. And I’d be surprised if it happened on anyone’s first time. Gents who slip it in that first time will probably shoot off too soon, and that’s normal and okay. Homosexual males don’t tend to use melted butter for intercourse, and no, blood does NOT make a good lubricant. Also, gay fics have way too much anal penetration. Yes, you heard me. In most cases, a homosexual couple will tend towards more oral sex and foreplay, because if they were all only doing anal it would a) get boring fast, and b) cause a lot of unnecessary soreness. You need to balance those things, in a meaningful relationship fic. I get that not every character interaction involves care, but where it does, learn a little balance. Speaking of balance, when writing BDSM fics, remember the importance of aftercare. Read about it. Learn about it. It’s a big part of a BDSM relationship. I know that this is a bit rushed and disorganized, but I really hope that you find it helpful.
I’d like to staple section two to some foreheads…
I’m so happy this is being read and used! :D










