When your life is in the hands claws of a teenaged royal
So, I've been seeing a lot of fics and ideas where Danny owns John's soul. But they usually cut off after Danny lets John know, and just leaves him to deal with the fall out. Maybe even gives him a task or two, or returns his soul to him.
And don't get me wrong! I absolutely adore those. Even wrote something for the tag myself. But! I just had a thought™️ about that.
Because Danny Fenton is a little shit. We all know this, right? We can all agree that Danny is a petty and cheeky and sarcastic little shit who draws joy and his will to (half-)live from messing with people. Preferably those who have committed the grave sin of annoying him.
John Constantine, on the other hand? He's a sarcastic, petty, cynical asshole who knows exactly how talented and coveted he is. The man has many strengths - but making friends is certainly not one of them. At least not those that actually survive the friendship…
Now! Imagine this:
Danny, freshly crowned High King, came into the possession of the soul of one John Constantine. Perhaps it's because soul contract all belong to him on a technicality. Perhaps it is because someone had sold John's soul long before his birth to the title of the High King and now he has the strongest claim. Perhaps it's something mundane like Danny getting fed up with paperwork and deciding to solve the issue of the never ending complaints regarding this mage's soul by obtaining ownership of John's soul.
John, highly attuned to all things magic, knows there is a new High King. He felt the shift in the magic. There was a sort of backlash in the fragile bonds that tethered this side to the thereafter. So he knows the High King has changed. And he will be overjoyed to do all he can to stay as far away as possible from all of that. It's not his bloody business, and it certainly is not worth the risks to go satisfy his own nagging curiosity.
At least, that's the case until just a few days later when he feels a tight snap somewhere far inside the very depths of his being. And, oh, John knows exactly what this is, what this means.
But he is a master of the dark arts and denial both, so he pretends that he doesn't. He pretends that it was just his imagination. Which works out pretty splendidly for him - until the High King decides to mess with the puny little ant in his grasp.
Danny honestly just wants to mess with John after a particularly tedious council meeting. So he decides to scare the reason why that meeting dragged out like the gum Tucker had stuck to his foot last week: John Constantine, the Hellblazer, the laughing magician, the reason complaints keep piling at Danny's overly fancy desk.
With his new title, Danny also got a new appearance. And it just so happens that it's suited perfectly for scaring assholes. So he - tired of always being the one summoned - summons John into his throne room.
Faced with the pale face of the mage he heard was too cunning for anyone's good, Danny suddenly realises he has no idea how to act kingly at all. So Danny makes a persona up on the spot - and it's a persona fitting for a powerful and scary regent in the eyes of a fourteen-year-old. In other words: Edgy, dramatic, cocky, unbothered by anything he himself hasn't deemed worth his time.
Danny doesn't stop his plan, of course. He scares John, thoroughly. But he doesn't use the soul contract to give an order. Instead, he just implies that he will do that the very moment that John steps out of line.
Of course, Danny would never do such a thing. It seems unnecessary cruel, and he's not a great fan of mind control to begin with. It feels icky to even just consider doing something like that.
John doesn't know that, though. He desperately wants to find a way out. Anything. And once Danny notices that? He delights in making John do the most random of tasks, worded just vaguely enough so that he can keep his new persona going.
( Normally, this would be about where the fic ends. But what if we don't end it here? )
Danny starts making John do all sorts of meaningless tasks now. Buy him a burger, run an errand for him, do something completely pointless just because it's funny to think about how John wasted his time on that.
He isn't just a toy to Danny, of course. He makes sure to check in with Clockwork whether it would negatively affect the mage's life in any way to do this task. He's still a protector, after all, and doesn't want to actually harm John. Just make his life a bit harder. Because he can, and who is he to pass up such a chance?
And then, at one point, John gets more comfortable being mouthy with Danny. Which Danny thinks is hilarious, actually, so he allows that to happen, too. But being mouthy comes with sharing other things about himself - so he lets some info slip about the current doomsday scenario the JL is working at. And Danny decides to help.
And John comes to the conclusion that actually this isn’t so bad. He gets to speak his mind, the tasks he gets assigned aren’t morally questionable – even if they’re questionable in any other sense of the word – and if he performs well enough the High King even dings to help him sometimes. Plus, nobody else can make good on their claims on him with the High King already owning him! So he isn’t even really trying to get out of this anymore.
Just them keeping that up right until John dies and Danny declares him free of all debts.
thinking abt how fucked up steam engine boiler explosions can look. theyre just pipes under there
gives me the idea of a ghost/monster engine that looks normal, albeit a bit battered, only to swing their smokebox door open and a myriad of pipes come bursting out like fucked up tentacles
Show up at work like hi boss sorry I'm late my I was helping my mother track down one specific 90s dungeon crawler for the purposes of obtaining a muffin recipe the developer hid in the files
Tim Cain's Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Muffins -- They're the shadow king's favorite!
1 and 2/3 cup flour
2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup sugar
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup pumpkin (half of a 16 oz can)
1/2 cup (one stick) butter, melted
preheat oven to 350. grease muffin tins (one dozen regular size) or use baking cups. mix flour, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl. Break eggs into another bowl. add pumpkin and butter and whisk until blended. stir in chocolate chips. pour over dry ingredients and stir until just blended. do NOT overstir! scoop batter into tins and bake 20-25 minutes. after cooling, keep muffins wrapped in plastic to avoid drying.
for years now my laptop charger has reliably broken every 6 months. admittedly i keep replacing it with the cheapest possible generics, but I've tried differed brands and ALWAYS, 6 months in Death knocks impatiently at my door, its skeletal hand outstretched demanding yet another goddamn power cable. the only feasible explanation is i pissed off a witch. the alternative is that i'm the problem, which seems unikely
Humor aside. Don't buy another USB-C laptop charger. Buy a USB-C power adapter rated for the same power needs as the laptop, Anker makes high quality ones. Then you can easily replace the cable if it wears out.
The power adapter is the expensive part, the cable is cheap, but the cable is always going to fray first. Plus, you can buy a braided cable, or a right-angle cable which are less likely to break in the same way depending on how you use your laptop, and you can get whatever length of cable is convenient for you.
holy shit you've circumvented the witch's curse. yeah it's the same cable that gives out on me. replaceable parts that so fucking sexy. I'm assuming I just buy one that's the same wattage (65W) as my laptop needs? damn that witch is gonna be PISSED
You can buy one stronger than your laptops needs if you want. Devices these days are smart enough at power management to only take what they need, so a 100w charger won't brick your laptop or anything, but 65w will work perfect.
The only other thing is that not all USB-C cables are created equally. The form factor is standardized, the insides are not, some shitty, cheap, cables are only rated for data not power, or for low power needs. You can search for charging cable to make sure you get one intended for power transfer.
This witches curse effected me for years on end before I discovered this. I'm happy to foil their efforts once more.
So apparently, over the summer, Quibi (the shortest-lasting streaming service ever lmao) did a quarantine project called “Home Movie: The Princess Bride” where a bunch of celebrities recreated The Princess Bride in tiny chunks at home.
And like there was no permanent cast, all these celebrities seem to have gotten a scene or part of a scene to do (i’m not sure exactly, I did not ever watch Quibi and thus haven’t seen this yet), and then they just… recreated it as best they could. At home. Under quarantine.
So like, you had Jennifer Garner in a blanket cape playing Princess Buttercup AND the Booing Old Woman with a crowd comprised entirely of stuffed animals:
Or Taika Waititi paying Westley off a badly-drawn Inigo on a piece of cardboard held in front of someone’s face:
And it’s all just delightful.
But my absolute favorite part of this thing that I’ve sadly never seen but assume is probably absolutely hilarious and a treasure and I want to find it some day and watch the whole thing… is that Carey Elwes is in it.
In case you need a comfort watch and because Youtube search nowadays sucks rancid farts, I remind you of the Princess Bride Home Movie from the lockdown, starring everybody
So I just simultaneously did, and possibly didn't lose my job today :)
Very much did in the sense that I literally do not know where my job is at the moment. But, for the time being I haven't been let go because nobody else including the store owner knows where it is either.
So, I don't wanna risk doxxing myself by posting pictures but goddamn am I tempted because this is not a believable event. This is a cartoon problem. For looneytoons.
But yeah, so, I work(ed?) at a kiosk selling boba tea, right? Freestanding kiosk in the mall with full water and electrical hookups and multiple fridges and sinks and a mini kitchen and the works. Fully functional tea shop. Very important to note that it was there last night, The work chat was discussing another issue last night at closing time. I'll get back to this.
It's been showing signs of being on the way out with how business is being handled lately and I've been considering other options, which is probably why I'm not as torn up about this as I should be, but maybe it just hasn't set in yet, but that's not the point. The point is there's been a lot of shit breaking and not being replaced and nobody mentioning anything about it until I walk into work in the morning and have to figure out why shit like the fucking cash register isn't there today. So I'm kinda used to having to ask questions about big things that nobody bothered to update me on. I was out for two weeks recovering from a surgery, so I came to work this morning assuming there'd be some kind of bullshit, yeah?
So, the question I had to ask the chat this morning was:
Not a text I ever thought I'd have to send in sincerity, but there it is. Because what I found instead was a fenced off patch of discolored tiles and a few holes in the floor where my entire place of employment used to be.
And the answer? Nobody knows! It was there last night when the mall closed, and every single trace of the structure and all its contents including drink making supplies and our safe and cashbox was gone when it opened again. And when I say nobody knows, I mean everyone from last night's closers to the actual (former?) owner of the store jad no fucking clue about this until getting that text from me this morning. For once I am actually the first to know. 🎉.
So. I guess I didn't so much lose my job as had it stolen. Not by AI, but good old fashioned hands-on human beings picking it up and carrying it away somehow. All mall security would tell me was that they were instructed not to tell me anything and have us contact our management. Who also don't know anything. And later on I came across some construction workers around the gravesite of the kiosk discussing filling in the holes, asked them about it, and was told that they "weren't at liberty to say".
So, not only is my job gone in the most literal physical sense of the word, but it was taken in some kind of super secret kiosk extraction in the dead of night without any warning or witnesses and nobody is allowed to speak of it. The store owner said she was gonna figure it out 10 hours ago and still no word back.
I don't know what else to say aside from I've been laughing all day and I'm gonna have a hell of a time explaining Schrodinger's Unemployment to the benefits office.
Update that is not an update because I'm basically certain this isn't what actually happened:
My mother in law thinks the FBI took it.
Not any of the other stores around the state. Just the one little kiosk.
Why? Because she loves a conspiracy and is just a little bit extra.
Also because she was around for the massive crackdown on Yakuza-owned businesses in Waikiki (in her homestate) that did actually involve the FBI seizing stores (no confirmation of making kiosks cleanly disappear in the middle of the night though).
Still no word from my job on what's actually going on, but the most likely theory so far is that maybe the kiosk was on lease and got repossessed? The mystery continues
(also shout out to the person who proposed Carmen Sandiego)
According to the owner, based on what she's been able to find out, the kiosk was not removed legally and they're starting a potentially long process of legal action. I hope she gets to sue the shit out of whoever did it but for now at least I know for sure I'm unemployed.
Really hoping for more details in terms of who/why/how, so I'll keep updating if I learn anything.
For now the summary is: An unnamed entity that is most likely mall management (on account of mall security cooperating with them) stole an entire kiosk and all the contents including money and machinery with barely a trace in the middle of the night grinch-style, with zero warning or explanation, and ensured the silence of both security and the construction crew, in an action that was definitely preplanned and illegal, and as far as I know nobody knows its whereabouts.
So now I'm officially out of a job. Because my workplace was literally stolen in the night.
Actually fuck it let's share some photos cause I wouldn't be inclined to believe this myself. It's not like anyone can stalk me at my job now and I'm not gonna have to see any coworkers that might find my tumblr.
Enjoy the unintentionally funniest text I've ever sent in my life
Aaand a close-up:
The last remains of a once Very Much Solid And Immobile Workplace
Finally a hand sewing tutorial on a hemline that isn't just the ladder stitch! the ladder stitch disappears when you tighten it, but it's not meant for hemlines because it breaks really easily! The overlock stitch is more stable, so it holds much longer, and it won't pucker or warp the fabric!
Pleased to report that after a day of this i am not longer craving caper brine and my mouth is not dry as usual. There's some good suggestions in the notes too that I want to try.
-ancient roman posca: water, red or white wine vinegar, honey, salt, herbs (coriander, mint, thyme)
-switchel: water, ginger, vinegar, sweetener, lemon, salt
this messed up vintage cat sewing pattern has tormented me since i saw it & like some other folks have done in that post - i tried my hand at tweaking the pattern to resemble the illustration (and my personal tastes) a little more. i've ended up with this. i bestow it upon you nice folks now 👐
(update 2, added instructions & it's also on my Kofi!)
go forth and make weird little beanbag kittens! pls show me if you do!
hey here's a website for downloading any video or image from any website.
works w/ youtube, soundcloud, twitch, twitter (gifs and videos), tumblr (video and audio), and most other websites you're probably lookin to download stuff off of.
for anyone wondering about privacy and whatnot, i'm happy to say that the developers are pretty committed to have 0 trackers and 0 data retention. you can read more in their "about" section, but here's the basic important stuff:
