im so gay dude

please be nice to me brain no work

[virtualgirladvance]

[idontevenhaveone]

... the worst bit is I know several people this could be, especially given the 'in Australia' clarification

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

If you know them then there's a chance I might know some of them and that thought will keep me up at night.

[antikate]

This wasn’t the guy who we all know who used to spray his jeans with Mortein and then light himself on fire, was it?

[harlemshakemp3]

He used to sit at the back of the bus, cup his hand, spray deodorant into it, then open it and light it on fire with a lighter in one fell swoop to try and impress girls.

He had to stop because the bus company begged our school to tell him to stop bc of legal liability. His hands never actually got damaged after doing it for about a year.

[harlemshakemp3]

I reached out to my old friend in question here, because I've been thinking about him all day.

I do not know what "the amulet" is. I have no idea what "the amulet" is referring to.

[harlemshakemp3]

I instantly remembered when he said that.

While we were all at the local park doing legal things that teenagers would do back in the late 2000s, my friend here found a rock at our old smoke spot that was unusually smooth and flat. He liked it so much that he took it to the woodwork classrooms at school, drilled a hole in it, and hung it on a necklace.

When we asked why he weanwearing this dinky-ass pebble on his neck, he claimed it prevented him from ever getting food-related illnesses: wouldn't get food poisoning, couldn't over-eat, was able to ingest anything (prior to him finding The Amulet, a few of us used to play a game called "Devil's Piss" where we would take turns shoving random food bits into a bottle of coke, and the first person to take a sip would get two dollars from the other players).

When we all asked him for the proof that this rock is magical—because nobody believed him, obviously—he said to meet him behind the History block at lunch, where he said he would drink two litres (or half a gallon) of milk in one go and not puke.

We met him there, and about ten of us all watched him down a whole bottle of strawberry milk in two or three breaths.

He didn't puke.

He jumped up and down and punched his stomach to prove it.

He still didn't puke.

I'm so glad I'm alive.

[veryberryskye]

yeah i like to give my blessing to the most pathetic looking weak little knight at the tournament. she can’t even look me in the eye when i give her my flower and she stutters out that she’ll do her best or something of the like. i think its funny when she has to cry and beg my forgiveness and i get to say “such a shame, i suppose my hand in marriage will have to go to someone else…” and then i get to hear her whimper like a dog. ive done this like 6 times alrea-

did she just win.

[the-stew-goblin]

I shall prepare a stew for the wedding! Extra salt!

[veryberryskye]

wait wait wait stew goblin wait

[peachdelta]

get ready for the wedding

[mylordshesacactus]

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

[mylordshesacactus]

The rules of Gay Pirate Plate are simple by the way.

The plate must be clearly and openly displayed in a place of great prominence whenever it is in your possession. When it is not in your possession, the display piece must remain in place. This is where you would put your gay pirate plate, IF YOU HAD ONE.

No active steps may be taken to prevent the theft of the Gay Pirate Plate. That goes against the spirit of the game, as does attempting to hide it.

The plate MUST be stolen and cannot be gifted or removed with permission. Should you witness attempted theft of the Gay Pirate Plate you are required to intervene and return it to its place.

Every time your sibling successfully absconds with the Gay Pirate Plate, you must respond with indignant fury, as if you have not also repeatedly and blatantly stolen the Gay Pirate Plate.

[mylordshesacactus]

WOE

PLATE BE UPON YE

[mylordshesacactus]

STATUS UPDATE

I texted this image to my family at around 2am their time last night and woke up to appropriately indignant messages about theft, betrayal, etc.

[saintjosie]

nothing could have prepared me for how gay the gay pirate plate was

[kittensnax]

you won't begin to believe how much I pace my house going "I like dry food! I like playing with shoelaces!" like I spiritually am this cat

[xmultifandomsx]

That little rascal!

Tim is 1000% the problem child, but no one ever clocks it at first. He's quiet, well-mannered, and an overall easy-going kid. He's not a picky eater, he always gets good grades, and his manners are impeccable. It appears the worst thing he could be accused of is insomnia. Then, you learn that he's got like 20 allergies and would rather have an EpiPen on standby than mention them and inconvenience anyone. His grades are totally fake, like he straight-up missed most of high school after becoming Robin and just hacked the school's online portal so no one noticed. The kid never actually even finished high school. Oh, and he's actually done a lot worse than finding himself unable to sleep for a few nights in a row. He's cheated on his partners, drank underage multiple times ('for the mission'), could be accused of attempted manslaughter/murder, and those are barely scratching the surface. He will never tell you if anything is wrong with him ever, like literally ever. He would rather hide every cold, cough, or brief pneumonia bout than confess he's down a major organ. He will never admit when he's stuck on a case because he should be able to figure it out himself. And, at the end of the day, he's the first to throw a punch for the people he loves. The kid is obsessive (cut to the cloning incident and the timestream incident), dramatic (cut to just about every reaction he's ever had), and a liar to his core (cut to him bald-faced lying to Batman about anything and everything). So yeah, he's a terrible influence and for sure the problem child, but so are the rest of his siblings sooo....

[lizardpersonyknow]

Real

[rongzhi]

English added by me :)

[lizardpersonyknow]

I do like tim as a sad lil guy but also... He is a freak my dudes. If you're gonna write him as basically living alone in a museum? he would love it don't pretend otherwise

He'd sing indie songs to a stuffed tiger you know he would. He'd install flickering lights to 'improve the vibe'. Tims a lil goblin who likes to stalk Batman, he's not gonna sit in a blanket sobbing because he's alone in a big house are you kidding me

He probably tried to get a colony of bats to move in, he definitely has a murder of crows that he's befriended and I believe with all my heart that somewhere in there he has pet leeches.

Like yeah maybe he's lonely but he's not a normal dude, he didn't think "human contact", he tried to bring a badger home or some shit.

Idk I'm very tired and maybe I haven't slept in two days but this makes sense in my head lol

[grimbeak]

obsessed with just. the entire phrasing and performance of this random tiktok. the uncapitalized 'i's implying the youth of the author. "I think my mom wants me home soon too" SHUT UPPPPPP. only good modern depiction of hades and persephone literally ever. god.

[lizardpersonyknow]

AHHHHHGGHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

[lizardpersonyknow]

Just had the bonkers idea of Janet Drake only being scary to strangers.

For her family? That's a sweet, warm woman who loves cuddles and her family. But it's a running joke that after her death they'll say she's horrifically terrifying.

So after her death, when people try to cozy up to Tim about how they knew his parents and were 'such good friends' and his mother was 'such a lovely woman' (they were scared shitless but they'd never tell Tim that), Tim KNOWS they're lying!! Anyone who was REALLY her good friend would say she was so scary!!

On the plus side, people who are willing to say she scared them get an automatic in. But that's very unlikely in high society Gotham.

Bruce earns mega points the day he admits he was scared shitless by her. Tim thinks it's to help him honor his mother. Bruce thinks Tim is rewarding honesty to try and Pavlov him. (Tim is, but not in this instance)

[papayafromtv]

actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

[lizardpersonyknow]

Sometimes I'm like 'tim is a cryptid' n then I'm like 'dick excuses every single crime tims ever thought about doing bc that's his baby brother.'

N I realised that they go together so well.

Ppl talking about how scared they are that Tim could be anywhere and they wouldn't know n dick just goes 'oh! No, he's in Greece!'

Like heyyyyy dickkkkk... How'd you know that? How are you not cursed? When Bruce tried to find Tim he got hit by every contact turning into a self help line, even if he dialed the number himself!

Dick's just like 'have you asked?'

They don't know where or why Tim is, and dick sometimes "refuses to spoil the surprise!" (It's always playing baseball to save the world, exploding the bases of and deliberately antagonising ra's or something. Never cake. Bruce would love a cake Tim. A normal, edible, non-explosive cake. Just once tim. Please)

[lizardpersonyknow]

I think Tim cyberbullies people for fun by anonymously posting stuff designed to set them off. For dick? About how the joker is definitely a real clown, who even cares about clown eggs? Jason? Elizabeth Bennett was too stuck up and should have accepted Mr Darcy's first proposal because she wouldn't be able to get anything better than that. Damian? A really high quality blade, misidentified and placed somewhere like the top of a dresser, where it would certainly get damaged and banged around. Photographed and posted proudly for the world to see, also tagging him with a challenge to get a better *wrong sword name* than them.

I think he'd deliberately push these posts in their algorithm so they have to see them

[emocinamonroll]

wonderful take and fairly realistic as i am half asleep and I saw the Elizabeth take, I almost crashed out in your notes

[lizardpersonyknow]

Hello to the new Jason Todd ig

[lizardpersonyknow]

I think Tim cyberbullies people for fun by anonymously posting stuff designed to set them off. For dick? About how the joker is definitely a real clown, who even cares about clown eggs? Jason? Elizabeth Bennett was too stuck up and should have accepted Mr Darcy's first proposal because she wouldn't be able to get anything better than that. Damian? A really high quality blade, misidentified and placed somewhere like the top of a dresser, where it would certainly get damaged and banged around. Photographed and posted proudly for the world to see, also tagging him with a challenge to get a better *wrong sword name* than them.

I think he'd deliberately push these posts in their algorithm so they have to see them

[lizardpersonyknow]

Love it when tim don't tell people SHIT. 'tim tells nobody he has lost his spleen'? Weak sauce. I want Tim to be a complete and utter mystery just by accident.

I want tim to not tell anyone that Bruce is alive. He just vanishes after bruce dies. Nobody can find him. He just shows up months later like hey the LOA is in town protect these specific people. Also Bruce is alive and I know how to find him.

I want tim to be a cryptid within the batfamily. Enough of sad baby 'please be my family' tim. Let him become ungovernable. It's what canon Tim would want. He didn't invent a fake uncle because he thought Bruce didn't want him, he created a fake uncle because he didn't want bruce

[valravn-nova]

Tim "won't end you but will end your bloodline" Drake:

[on-the-fringe-now]

[mamawasatesttube]

i keep thinking to myself, god we have got to put tim drake in a time loop. but also time loops just feel so perfectly like speedster bullshit, yknow? therefore lemme just smash these thoughts together like particles at cern aaannddd--

let's put tim in a time loop that bart accidentally caused. a tim loop, if you will :) specifically, tim loop where kon dies at the end and bart just kind of subconsciously went nope! and "if anyone can fix it it's tim right?" bc bart has. a normal amount of faith in his friends but also a normal amount of feelings about himself being useless to save kon bc he couldn't in infinite crisis.

and bam suddenly tim is having the worst tuesday of his life like 20 times in a row. yippee! it's bart-powered but he doesn't even know. he did it on accident. bart in the loop doesn't know what's going on. it just resets every time the ending is something bart can't accept (kon dies again). tim tries to sacrifice himself to save kon once but somehow that doesn't break the loop either (bart refuses to accept that). how long can tim go through a time loop before he goes completely bonkers bananas insane? only tim(e) will tell.

and, worse: how many times can tim watch kon die? how many times can he beg kon to value his own life, to get it through his head that being a hero doesn't mean he needs to die for the world, that there must be another way? how many times can he watch kon sacrifice himself to save others and know that if he stops kon, those people might die?

how fucked up would he be if he ever actually found out just how suicidal kon has been his entire life?

extra fun: cassie takes one look at him every time and instantly clocks that he's feeling like shit, but every time she forgets why, because the loop resets. tim is being perceived but it never lasts. this will drive him crazy so fast. he's gonna start acting out and snapping at her for being concerned because what's the POINT of talking about his feelings if everything resets ANYWAY. this will definitely not come back to bite him in the end or anything, right?

(kon-el dead wife giggling in the sunshine and playing under the sheets montage plays over and over for both tim and bart. this probably means nothing.)

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

I think people don't understand exactly how mean Tim Drake should be or is kinda.

Like if you have him as a ruthless businessman who was raised by Janet Drake the Dragon of Gotham.

He would put Regina George to shame.

Tim would go to a gala look a woman up and down and sneer at her last season Chanel.

He would without thinking say the meanest shit imagineable.

"If the first line of your sucide note isn't dedicated to me I wasn't honest enough."

Oh Tim Bruce's first paragraph is dedicated to you.

Like he's so mean he's made half of them cry and sometimes it not even on purpose.

"Jason if you don't shut up I'm gonna dig up your mother and put you right next to her, oh wait there wasn't anything left was there."

"Imagine being sold out twice by your mother couldn't be me."

Dick trips.

"Really living up to that family legacy."

"Should have been falling Grayson's since none of you can stay off the ground."

Like Bruce is holding Jason and Dick back but he's also sobbing because Tim is such a bitch.

Stephanie called him boy loser when he was tired and she walked out sobbing.

I need Tim Drake to say the meanest cruelest shit ever.

Because he would.

That a menace and a mean girl.

[dazii-kons]

It’s even better if you image he has exceptions and others will not let it go

Kon:that was so dumb rob!!like so dumb,like me and Bart when we first meet level dumb ,worlds greatest detective my ass-

Tim,visibly forcing himself to not say something that would make him cry: …shut up.loser.

Kon:*offended eye roll*

Jason,who heard everything through the coms,flabbergasted:ain’t NO WAY he just gets a ‘shut up loser’ ,are you shitting me-

Cassie:what the fuck Tim?what the FUCK buddy???

Tim,knowing she’ll rost him back just as hard:…lesbian

Dick,who overheard the convo from the hallway:that’s not even an insult???who are you and what did you do to our Timmy???-

Bernard: *stares,not even looking mad*

Tim: *sigh* I’m sorry

Stephanie who was spying on them for blackmail:OKAY WHAT KIND OF ALIEN ARE YOU AND HOW TO STOP YOUR MIND CONTROL TRICKS-