Maria Wojciechowski's Blahg

I'm a comedian. Sometimes I use music or a scene with another person or even just a microphone by myself. This is my blog. I post my projects, articles, and scientific discoveries.

[electriclaughs]

Maria Wojciechowski at the standing room 11/4/16 show​. Photo by Sean Waltrous.

[mariawojo]

Good Deed

Yesterday I woke up to my phone buzzing. A city-wide alert had been sent out, searching for the suspect in the Chelsea bombings. "Oh my God. This is a miracle!" I said as I looked at the screen, realizing I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I woke up in time for work thanks to the search for Ahmad Khan Rahami.

Whenever you start to question your faith. Whenever you want to ask God why he allows acts of terror in our world. Remember that everything happens for a reason.

I feel truly blessed.

[mariawojo]

Hillary is desperate for the Hispanic vote.

[mariawojo]

A conversation I very sincerely had on the phone this morning:

Me: Someone pooped on my front door.

Landlord: What?

Me: Someone pooped on the front door.

Landlord: I'm sorry I'm not understanding you. What happened to the front door?

Me: Someone pooped on it.

Landlord: I just... I can't...

Me: Are you pranking me?

Landlord: I don't know what you are saying.

Me: There is feces on the front door of my apartment.

Landlord: Huh?

Me: Shit. There is shit everywhere.

Landlord: I'm sorry I still don't...

Me: POOP! P. O. O. P. S. H. I. T.

Landlord: I don't know you are saying.

Me: Poop! The stuff that comes out of your butt!

Landlord: Oh. What about it?

[mariawojo]

In 2013 I auditioned for AGT with a comedy song I played on ukulele and was boo'd by 4,000 people and told by Howard Stern he hated ukulele and to just tell him three jokes, which I did even though I had never done conventional stand up before. I did stand up for the first time in front of 4,000 people.

Honestly, this little girl is very triggering. Please sign my petition to get her off TV immediately.

[mariawojo]

In response to some comments about the 'grey' area of drunk consent:

A man goes to a bar and opens a tab. He buys a couple drinks for a stranger. The man gets too drunk and becomes incoherent. The bartender, seeing the man, closes the man's tab. The stranger can no longer get free drinks because the man is too drunk to buy them for him.

The stranger tries to order more drinks on the man's tab but is told the tab is closed. The stranger is annoyed and tries to steal the drunk man's wallet to buy more drinks. The bartender calls the police and the stranger is arrested for theft. The fact that the man had bought the stranger drinks earlier in the night is not used to excuse the stranger's culpability.

It’d be cool if we treated rape the same way.

[mariawojo]

A man goes to a bar and gets very drunk. His wallet gets stolen. The next morning he realizes his wallet was stolen and reports it missing, telling the police he does not remember the events of the night before because he was too drunk. However, two witnesses do remember and lead the police to the culprit. The culprit is charged with theft, and the victim's level of intoxication at the time of the crime is not used as a excuse for the criminal's culpability.

Wouldn't it be neat if we treated rape the same way?

[mariawojo]

Good Deed 7

This morning I took the A train to work. Everything was running smoothly. I got on at Broadway Junction and there was an open seat. I looked around for old people and canes. Then I sat. We stopped at Utica. I put in my headphones and closed my eyes. But just as I pressed play on my "Summer Jams" Spotify playlist I heard a loud THUD! I looked up and saw a man in his 30s passed out before me.

"Pull the emergency break!" someone yelled frantically. "No! Don't do it while we are in the tunnel or else we will be stuck!" Someone else yelled. "The man is shaking on the ground!" The woman holding the break was frozen. "What should I do?!" she cried. "PULL THE BREAK!"

The lady pulled the break and the train stopped. People rushed to the man's side.

"You gotta eat breakfast," one woman told the man who was coming to. / "You gotta get good sleep." / "Do you have Zika?"

While we waited for the conductor, some passengers held a small parade delivering gatorade, snacks, and useless medical advice to our fallen commuter who kept apologizing for making us late to work. Then we waited and waited and waited. We were alone in the car, a bunch of poor people playing doctor. People started to get restless. "How long are we gonna be here?" / "I'm so late for work."

So then I stood up and bravely asked, "Is there an intercom in here so we can speak to the conductor?"

No one knew so I looked around for a minute before concluded that the train we were on was too old. I sat back down and felt pretty great about my contribution to the situation. Sometimes being a hero means just asking the right questions.

[mariawojo]

A year a half later, here’s the newest episode of Late Knight with Pope Batman!!

[ilooklikelauradern]

Just another spot-on recreation from Inland Empire! Gotta side-by-side of you and Laura? Please send it to me, and I’ll post it!

[mariawojo]

WOW! Got chocolate on my face. So embarrassing!

[headlesswomenofhollywood]

“The Headless Women Of Hollywood” Is A Brilliant Feminist Tumblr That You Should Be Following - The Frisky

Comedian and feminist warrior Marcia Belsky has created a Tumblr page that will simultaneously make you laugh and make you very angry. None of us are blind to the still ever-present sexism depicted in film and television, but here Belsky gives us a direct visual. In fact, she gives us many, many visuals. "The Headless Women Of Hollywood" is a collection of posters for movies and TV shows that merely feature parts of women. No face is shown. It's merely a butt, a back, a pair of legs, etc. Oof, there are so many butts. Here are a few examples: You might be thinking that these are all some dumb C-list movies that only Reddit comment-ers will go see and enjoy anyway. Sure, there are some of those, but this list includes one of my favorite flicks, the critically acclaimed classic, American Beauty. Belsky is urging us all to do just what the American Beauty poster suggests we do. "Look closer." This movie has ANNETTE FUCKING BENING in it. How could we all let this happen?! Even

THANK U @thefrisky FOR THE SHOUT OUT!!

[mariawojo]

Check out my friend’s new blog! It’s great!

[mariawojo]

This weather is making me feel a little nostalgic about summer in Chicago. It's literally the best place on Earth in the summer. One summer my friend Derek Kolb and I used to get together and play music until like 4 am. We were terrible neighbors--I play accordion. Karma is real though because yesterday I was woken up from my nap by my neighbor's a cappella group singing in the hallway. Anyway, I found a rough recording of a song Derek and I wrote called "Summer Shy," which was VERY clever considering how drunk we were when we wrote it.

[ilooklikelauradern]

I’ve gained 10 lbs over the last 6 months because I have the diet of a 12-year-old gamer, so I’m trying to eat healthy now. I mean, today I ate ice cream but only because the back up generators were out, and it was melting.

[mariawojo]

I submitted for the NBC Late Night Writers Workshop on Friday.

Here are some of my topical monologue jokes:

1. OJ Simpson was acquitted for the murder of Nicole Brown 21 years ago. Now OJ has something everyone wants: a Heisman, a dead wife, and an acquittal. We all want those acquittals, y'all! 2. Dr. Dre cofounded a headphone company called Beats by Dre ten years ago. Given the allegations against him as a woman abuser, he should probably rebrand to Hugs by Dre. 3. Russian economic crisis drives citizens to soup kitchens. NO SOUP FOR YOU! 4. Napster was slammed with copyright fees in allowing pirating of music. Says the record industry "RRRRRRRn't ya gonna pay for that!?" 5. MC Hammer filed for bankruptcy 20 years ago. I supposed iPod (CAN) touch (this). Fingers crossed!!

[mariawojo]

I do not understand why some men insist that most women lie about being raped. I personally do not know one person who has been falsely accused of rape. However, I am friends with dozens of women who have been raped. ALL of whom told me in confidence because of shame and fear of backlash.

[mariawojo]

Good Deed 6

Last week a woman got on my train. She was older, but not give-up-your-seat older so I ignored her. It was raining that day, and she was carrying an umbrella. "That umbrella looks so much like a cane!" I thought before realizing that that cane-shaped umbrella was actually just a cane.

I approached her. "Excuse me, would you like my seat?" I asked as the train stopped, lurching me towards the woman with the cane and knocking her off balance.

"Thank you," she said to the man who caught her and helped her to the seat I had given up.

I stood for the rest of my 45 minute commute enduring my back pain and the stench of a man's armpit in my face, but I stood with the knowledge that I had done a good deed, and I'm a better person than that old lady with the cane who can't even thank someone who gives up their seat even though they have terrible back pain.

[mariawojo]

Good Deed 5

Yesterday on the bus I accidentally requested my stop one stop too early. The bus pulled over and remained there awkwardly while no one got off. I was a little embarrassed, hoping no one in the rush-hour crowd was mad that I delayed their trip. We sat and sat and sat while the bus driver waited for someone to get off the crowded bus. Then a man woke up from a daze, looked outside, panicked a little and ran off the bus. Turns out, when you are inherently a good person, you help others even when you aren't trying.