I am still off my meds. I'm so fking off my meds lol.
It's like having a migraine, only all the time, at the same time as having the flu, I'm constantly either sweating profusely or shivering or both, I'm dizzy, tying shoelaces is extremely difficult, I'm having mild visual and auditory hallucinations all the time, and sleep doesn't really exist as a separate state from unsleep any more, instead it's like the two have sort of melded into a constant waking nightmare where I drag this bag of flesh around for two days or so having panic attacks until it basically can't stand up or speak any more, then collapse into bed for a few hours to writhe and literally scream at the horrors I can no longer prevent from intruding into reality.
While the experiences I'm having at the moment are markedly different from the way I experience reality (if you can call it that) when I'm on my meds, I honestly can't say that they're definitely objectively worse, being on my meds was kind of fucking shit too, I'd just been on them for over a decade, so I'd got used to it, and there was considerable pressure to accept that because, you know, stuff like my marriage and my job and the approval of society at large were so obviously contingent upon compliance, otherwise you're the BAD kind of mad person who won't do what they're told is good for them, so it's their own stupid fault they're mad.
Also, I just cold turkeyed a moderate dose of an SNRI I'd been on for 5 years, and a TeCA I'd been on since like 2013, things, I'm told, are bound to get kinda wild, and yeah, that checks out, but also its kinda fine, like with getting on the meds in the first place, you just have to find a place of acceptance that this is your new reality. At least with my meds set to the off position, there's a realistic hope that things might improve.
Look, I can't really be like: 10/10, would recommend, quit your meds cold turkey everybody (that feels irresponsible, you do you), but the feeling has been growing in me for years now that getting on these fucking drugs in the first place, which by the way, are just the least fun drugs I've ever done by a long shot, was a terrible lapse, motivated by cowardice in the face of the judgement of others, and the only drugs I ever really NEEDED to be on were weed and estrogen, and I know it's early doors, and I'm very used to having to make room for the possibility of failure in all my endeavours, but at this stage, I'm very happy with my choices.
