Gotta Blast

Taurus

[yesterdaysprint]

The Circleville Herald, Ohio, April 18, 1957

[whitepeopletwitter]

[sophie-baybey]

[syphabelnyades]

[jewish-tutter]

someone explain the jewish holidays to me like i'm 5 years old

[rizaoftheowls]

Purim: They tried to kill us, we survived. Let’s tell the story, wear silly costumes, and get wasted. (Optional: have a carnival or a play!)

Passover: They enslaved us, God freed us. Remember this via a big ceremony/feast and then don’t eat bread for a week. This is a big one; you’re going to have to clean your house and host all your relatives.

Tu B'Shevat: It’s Earth Day, let’s eat some fruit.

Simchas Torah: We read the entire Torah every year, and we got to the end! Let’s have a dance party and then start all over again!

Tisha B'Av: They destroyed our temples. That sucked.

Rosh HaShanah: Happy New Year! It’s time to ask (and grant) forgiveness for the wrongs done in the past year, pledge to do better, and wish for a sweet new year. And go to synagogue for HOURS.

Yom Kippur: Rosh HaShanah’s somber counterpart. God decides on this day your fate for the next year. Repent your sins, hope for forgiveness, and fast. (And go to synagogue for HOURS.)

Yom HaShoah: Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Sukkot: Harvest festival! Sleep in a hut under the stars.

Shemini Atzeret: Man, I don’t even know?

Shavuot: God gave us the Torah! That was pretty nice of him.

Chanukah: They busted up our temple and tried to forcibly convert us. We responded with guerilla warfare. Let’s eat some fried food. Candles!

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

So basically the entire Jewish holiday calendar is giving the middle finger to death and high-fiving, with or without various combinations of prayer and foods.

[rizaoftheowls]

Yup. Or as we say, “They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.”

[galaxy-of-great-possibilities]

thank you for the desc’s bcs they are beautiful and i am now educated

[above-d-clouds]

A handy table for everyone:

[cityglowing]

Y’all have no idea how happy it makes me to see my goyim followers reblogging this. Really. It means the world to me.

[spacegayparty]

what’s goyim?

[harvestspriteirl]

Just a word for people who aren’t Jewish!

[marshmallow-malva]

@killjoyjay ik this stuff interests u!!

[dykebluejay]

i’ve seen this, it’s super cool and interesting! thanks lav!

[hoardofhyperfixations]

So what you’re telling me is that Jewish holidays are often “I lived, bitch”

[mannequia]

How many of these holidays would it be appropriate for a non-jewish person to give a jewish person a gift on cuz I kinda wanna try giving my jewish friends holiday presents but I don’t wanna accidentally offend.

[absolxguardian]

We don’t traditionally have any present giving holidays. The closest is Purim, but you’re only supposed to give food (and then give some money to the poor). And while Purim is a pretty open holiday (it’s a party and inviting respecful non-jewish friends is fun), I’m not really sure how goyim fulfilling that mitzvah would go over.

Because of it falling close to Christmas, Hannukah gifts have been informally adopted as a tradition. Because it’s pretty hard to explain to a child while their school friends get gifts and they don’t. But it wouldn’t really be that off to give gifts on any of the joyous holidays. Just try to avoid the ten days between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, because that would make it seem like you’re giving the gift to make up for some way you wronged them.

[captainlordauditor]

#this is lead me to realize that not even benai mitzvahs- ie a coming of age birthday has gifts#you get money then In my family we give books for b’nei mitzvahs, ha

Another reason for giving gifts on Hanukkah is that it’s traditional to do some light gambling then. So giving groups of small things (chocolate coins, m&ms, pennies, that sort of thing) is popular.

Also, for Pesach, avoid giving food! Everyone observes the holiday differently, but it often involves some food restriction. (eg, I won’t eat any grain, some people won’t eat grain or legumes, etc) Unless you know exactly how the person you’re giving food to observes, it’s best to just avoid it.

[outsidetheeva]

[qv]

Me when i want to fucking watch blue but that stupid bitch wants to watch red

[squirmmy]

Pollo👍

[mysharona1987]

Reddit’s nursing forum makes for some pretty grim reading.

[kineticpenguin]

I was a bit skeptical about that whole “twitter is just tumblr now” schtick beyond being a joke but

jesus fucking christ the clout from this six-year-old take

[bledbronze-deactivated20211204]

[cantabilechaos]

This is kind of like when you’d get made fun of for liking “weird” things in middle school and then several years later some famous person would be like “remember -blank- it was so funny lol” and then suddenly all the people who made fun of you for liking blank are like wearing 35 dollar tee shirts with blank on them and posting blank for clout

[spelldealer]

[e--horse-deactivated20210412]

Y'all are fuckin idiots man. That shit is not normal. No other vaccine causes this bullshit.

[spelldealer]

i don’t think you’ve ever actually gotten a vaccine before if you think that

[firstgrave]

this is the funniest thread of tweets I’ve ever seen in my entire life

[woman-respecter]

wake up babes new lilyorchard just dropped

[ouijawaydidhego]

#THIS PERSON IS 36 YEARS OLD

[jewishdragon]

Say in the tags if you’re minor coded (shorter than FIVE FOOT SEVEN INCHES! A HEIGHT A FULL THREE INCHES ABOVE THE AVERAGE FOR AFAB PEOPLE)

[cerastes]

This quest would initially make you think it’s meant to be tense and delicate due to the accusations of heresy Alphinaud and Tataru are facing, from one of the Archbishop’s personal knights, no less, but it’s actually funny as hell because Haurchefant is so excited about seeing you kick ass in the trial by combat he and the Lord Commander managed to legally influence that he treats it as a whole ass main event to Wrestlemania XXIV Ishgard edition, including instructing you in how to make the single most dramatic entry possible.

“Who will stand for this woman?”

*DOOR SWINGS OPEN AS THE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS OF HER WOULD-BE CHAMPION ECHO THROUGHOUT THE TRIBUNAL*

“TIS I THAT SHALL PROVIDE THEE SUCCOR, MY VERTICALLY CHALLENGED FRIEND.”

Then, obviously, the judge presses the Ishgard Legal System Button under his tribunal podium and erects the Legal System Cage, used for Legal System Deathmatches.

And Haurchefant?

He’s absolutely there cheering his lungs out.

[hellyesbro]

gays be like "omg how do you know what models of car are" when literally every car in the world has their make and model plastered right on to it

[hellyesbro]

Uber: "I am arriving in a grey honda civic"

Gays: "Omg what the fuck how do I tell what that is"

The literal back of the fucking car:

[punkrorschach]

“memorize the differences between these you stupid fruit”

[ishipitlikefedps]

new tag game: try to name these

[lapisbitch]

gays it’s not that hard 🙄

[handweavers]

mice are having sex in my walls :(

[handweavers]

the mice are fucking AND now i'm getting heckled

[gloriousbodies]

@oyavaski​ i think the funniest part of this is you thinking that this is fake because.....some of us are the same age and we have normal tumblr names i guess lmao????

[handweavers]

never thought i'd get accused of faking having a mice infestation for tumblr clout and yet here we are

[eldriitchmurmurs]

you fucked those mice yourself

[handweavers]

I fucked those mice myself

[wizard0rb]

should i post the walmart comic

or should i simply wait

[wizard0rb]

If no one responds then I will have no choice

[wizard0rb]

one sec

[wizard0rb]

here it is. the surreal horror walmart comic i made in eighth(?) grade.

[kengi-bengi-alt]

8TH  GRADE?!?!!?!?

[world-heritage-posts]

world heritage post

[straightboyfriend]

hate me all you want you can’t unfatten my ass

[omghotmemes]

This is what he would have wanted

[aztechnology]

op link the video it’s fucking hilarious

[momowho34]

Christians (specifically Protestants): we have little versions of our sacred text that we carry around in our pockets to pull out if we encounter something and want guidance. The version used during sermons and in church are the same ones that we carry with us

Jews: you can read the torah and Tanakh in a normal book if you want. But if you want a torah you can use as a congregation? *cracks knuckles* you must prepare paper made from the skin of a kosher animal and special ink and a quill made from a turkey feather and you must use no metal in the preparation process because metal is used in the creation of weapons for war and before you even think about actually started to write you must take The Holy Bath to purify yourself and ritually blot out the name of Amalek, the sworn enemy of the Jewish people and every time you write the name of god on the scroll you must say it out loud and recite a special prayer and if you mess up one letter you have to start over and when the scroll is finished you must wrap it in tapestries and pretty cloth and shit and then put little crowns on the end and then put it in a Super Special Box in the synagogue so every time it’s time to read it you can open the Super Special Box and everyone can gawk at the Ultra Big Boy Important Text and the words of god within the scroll. this entire process takes about a year to complete and is done by special sofer’s that devote their lives to making Torah’s specifically and when you read from the torah you must use a little tiny pointer in the shape of a hand so your hands don’t mess up the paper. Oh, you think I kid? You think I jest?

Think again.

(rb encouraged for everyone. Share the sacred baby hands with the goyim. Everyone deserves to know about the sacred baby hands)

[simonalkenmayer]

Now THAT’S a religion. My goodness.

[iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid]

y'all wanna see a twitter exchange that had me howling this fine monday afternoon