ExcogiKate

A non-waste basket to dump predilections and cerebrations that dont go anywhere else. It's actually an experiment in clarity I'm conducting on myself. No other input is necessary. However, all with good intentions are welcome. Those with bad ones must officially apply through the proper channels.

[oftengrok]

It's probably not super healthy if, almost at least once a day, your reply to someone's complaint or startled exclamation is something to the effect of, "You haven't figured it out? These are the end times. You didn't expect the apocalypse to have free electricity."

[oftengrok]

My Jacket is Quite Cozy

KDF

I've suddenly found myself deep down in my own special hell. They say when you die, everyone experiences their own version of heaven. I suppose it goes for either. It was a slow, sudden awareness. A surprise, but I didn't jump. Just acceptance and melancholy. Like when you gently wake from a dream and you are half in and half out. Then you open your eyes in slight wonder as the incredulity evaporates. That's how it happened. And now I see it everywhere and in everything, maddeningly so. There is nothing thmo the contrary. I have frequent moments where I'm stunned and can't tell if I'm alive and it's all metaphor, or if I'm literally in the asylum of my personal hell and not being able to discern the reality is part of it. Like I have a brain injury that shorted my memory and critical thinking. Realize, awareness, query, options, no chance of conclusion, forget, take a step, then realize again and repeat. I want to vomit. I am locked so far inside but simultaneously away from my mind that there is no hope. That is the most sure I am. If I begin to believe one option over the other, I equally don't know if it is true or if I'm just telling myself that. So here I am, and I can't understand how I got here. I have a feeling I could claw out if I could reconfigure the path that brought me here. There is no way. I need help, or do I. Noone can hear me. Everyone is underwater, and busy, so I don't want to bother them. I can't move, and my brain is power cycling. What was I doing? I have the feeling of doom like I'm forgetting something important. I know I'm lost, and everyone forgot that I exist. Do I exist? Does anything? Is there any help? What is help? All I know is...

I've suddenly found myself deep down in my own private hell.

[oftengrok]

I get the dangers of acculturation stress, viable nefarious intentions, and many other aspects of an imprudent immigration policy. But the ICE raids are giving huge gestapo vibes. It's a bigger problem than people realize. They don't have to disclose full details of suspicion up front and, with masks on and no body cam, only say who they are when "practical and safe to do so." I hate to be that lady, but a sinister individual could really take advantage of such a situation, snatch up a chick, or god forbid, kid. In any case, this is a very slippery slope. You need only look at a little bit of history, a few studies (maybe the Stanford experiment), and utilize a bit of common sense to see how this is how some very bad things begin. Isn't this America? Isn't this 2025? This seems like brutish tactics of an earlier century wielding modern technology. We are so much better than this. Have we not evolved? We can come up with a better solution, no doubt. Especially when legal citizens are being killed. I don't give a damn who did what or where you think the fault lies! Citizens that are the ones supposedly being protected by all this are hurt and killed, and we don't take a beat? Any society with any similance of health or consciousness would take a breath and evaluate at the very least. We are better than this. And don't let the chaos bring you down. If you are to protest, I implore you to study the laws and regulations, be smart, and never fail to maintain composure. Please keep an open mind and think about it from a higher vantage, remembering that the red and blue thing is a blatant illusion. What sense does it make to open the border like they did? It doesn't make them compassionate. Are you so "compassionate" that you leave your front and back doors open at all times in case anyone may need a place to stay? No. They can knock, and if they are no threat, you allow them in and proceed with hospitality. So now that they have a reason to go searching and detaining people in a militant fashion, they are getting met with people doing what free people do. But the sinister thing is that we are normalizing harm and death with desensitization. And, please, tell me that it's not their goal to rile people up into a violent frenzy when they stood on the roof of a building void of threat and shoot protesters in the face with rubber bullets. No one is coming to save you. You must be wiser, more calculated, and more disciplined. And most of all, unwavering in morals. Because these dudes were trained by the most moral army in the world, right? To win, it's the only way. Otherwise, we slowly slide into a pseudo-compromise but ultimately a loss. And it will be a far greater loss than we may imagine.

[oftengrok]

People often throw around God's preferences. It seems evident to me that the will of God is only one thing, authenticity. The only thing God wants from you is for you to be the total and genuine you, no matter what that is. Nothing else, and no one else can do it. So find yourself and be unapologetically that. Know thyself. Be thyself. That is divine will.

KDF

[oftengrok]

Everything real is a paradox.

[oftengrok]

It's hard to accept the fact that we've arrived to a reality in which all the bond villains are dialed up to evil level 10 and power 100% and have joined forces in one horrifying naked gun reboot.

[oftengrok]

Do you ever find yourself lost in a far away corner of deep thought where you stumble upon a profound perspective that is so obscure and departed from any normal idea that it's unlikely anyone has been there and you'll never get there again, even in memory?

Yeah. Me neither.

[oftengrok]

Ok, on a scale of 1 to 10, how concerned should I be?

Since covid, I was stripped of, no exaggeration, nearly everything I had. Possessions, people, dignity, income, respected career, identity, home, sanity, everything. And for the past 5 years, drifting farther from it all, if that's even possible. What I'm questioning is the decreasing desire for any of it. Or much at all. I more and more only seriously desire to lie in a patch of grass somewhere surrounded by wildlife just watching and meditating, quite seriously. I don't want for anything but a breezy, sunny, gorgeous day with lots of birds and other creatures under a tree, in close proximity to a spring or ocean. I should probably be doing a lot of real adult things, but I just couldn't care much less. It's truly what I want and nothing else for the rest of my life while having full awareness of how impractical it is.

[radical-revolution]

[radical-revolution]

[oftengrok]

Awakened Love

When it is asked, "why would God allow this to happen", it is a misunderstanding. God IS what happens. For that matter, it is who it happens to and where and the words read from history book it may or may not be reported in 100 years from now. But the why question comes down to Love. The real love. The unconditional kind. This Love is perfect in its illusion of dereliction. It is of a higher order than sheer human emotion. If the world were made without this love, you would never find appreciation or be appreciated. You wouldn't have heros, enrichment, or self reflection. You could never let go and your soul would never progress. The world would actually cease to exist. So, to have the passion, the emotion, the ups therefore downs, anything at all, unconditional love is required. And it is for this that God "allows" you to hurt yourself and others for the opportunity to be better for it. It's really all your decision.

[oftengrok]

Existence itself is the end all be all, need nothing more, all encompassing, blessing from God. You've always had it, and it's countless possibilities. So when I say God bless you, what is actually meant is, "I pray that you bless me by seeing this clearly and improving your life as well as others' to the extent of your unique capacity."

[anxietyproblem]

[oftengrok]

I Found Your Balance Point

Perfection is in the beauty of nothing is perfect. In everything, there are always pros and cons, ups and downs. It's fundamental of the tapestry of here and now. The crux.

I was in love with loving you. Truly. Some part of you wouldn't allow you to believe it. I was weak. A strong person would have never faltered. I would have never given in to anything. Much less...

I would have dug my heals in and uses love as a shackle to you. It has escaped me for so long what it was that actually happened. It still does. But I know for certain now that it is how it has to be. And I'm ok with that now.

So much happiness and so much pain. So much guilt and so much blame. Confusion and realization. Everything, everything is a spiral. But I found your balance point. Your coil rests at ease. I hope mine does the same for you. That has nothing to do with me now. But maybe some entanglement will help them keep eachother balancing.

"You make me feel like I am free again"

[oftengrok]

I know my political preferences are not poplar, and there is a stigma to anarchism. However, it only takes a short line thought to understand. To be enslaved is to be deprived of freedom and autonomy. When you agree to laws, regulations, and restrictions because someone might wield a freedom in an undesired way, you have, in fact, acquiesced to enslavement no matter how you choose to view it.

So, the anarchist ideal is multifaceted and can not exist with out irs facets. Detractors will have you think it is unruly proceedings of immorality and pandemonium. This is, however, the exact opposite of the truth. To have a true paradigm of exalted and enduring anarchy, it is inseparable from the ideal of responsibility, discerning contemplation, empathy, and sovereignty.

To stay true to that understanding and refrain from naivete, the subjacent end of this idea would have people doing harm just as they do with any other theory of system for a population. Which reinforces the responsibility and sovereignty side, which people will strengthen as they do their best to prevent and ammend the poor action of others.

[oftengrok]

I woke up from a dream you were in and had the strongest urge to kill myself.

[oftengrok]

If you're open to it,

As humans, boundaries are crucial. People don't like to talk about it, but it is imperative. Not only in the average society terms, but boundaries are necessary on many levels of being. Ignorance to other levels and their boundaries are the reason for many problems we all have. Thus, you'll never be totally healed from them unless you at least acknowledge the weak points.