Let’s talk about miscarriages.
First of all, a simple definition: A miscarriage is when a pregnancy ends on its own before the baby can grow enough to survive outside the womb.
When we say “miscarriage”, we refer to the pregnancy spontaneously ending in the first 20 weeks (so up until halfway through a typical 40-week pregnancy). If it happens closer to birth (after 20 weeks of pregnancy), it’s referred to as a “stillbirth”. We will focus on miscarriages rather than stillbirth in this letter.
A pregnancy spontaneously ending in an early stage is more common than it happening closer to birth. Most miscarriages happen in the first 13 weeks.
A miscarriage usually involves vaginal bleeding. It can range from light spotting to heavy bleeding. It may also include the passing of tissue or blood clots. Abdominal pain or cramps may also be present. (This is why a miscarriage that occurs before the person is even aware they’re pregnant may be confused with a heavy period).
However, some people may only experience the lessening of pregnancy symptoms (such as a sudden stop of morning sickness) that alerts them to the miscarriage. Some miscarriages also occur without any noticeable symptoms at all and may only be discovered at the next ultrasound.
Let’s look at some myths and facts about miscarriages:
Myth: Miscarriages are rare.
Fact: About 10 to 20% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage (and the “real” number is probably even higher, since many miscarriages happen before the person even knows they are pregnant).
Myth: Miscarriages happen because you do something wrong or aren’t careful enough.
Fact: Most miscarriages happen because of severe problems with the unborn baby’s DNA. These are usually random genetic glitches in the egg or sperm - meaning there’s nobody to “blame”. The baby wouldn’t have survived, no matter how careful the pregnant person is.
Myth: When we talk about “medical treatment” for a miscarriage, we are talking about people who choose to have a miscarriage.
Fact: Nobody chooses to have a miscarriage. It’s by its very definition the spontaneous ending of a pregnancy. A person may need to undergo medically necessary treatment because of a miscarriage. It may be necessary to remove tissue that remains in the uterus. This isn’t the trigger of the miscarriage, it is done after the pregnancy already naturally ended. It is done to prevent infection or stop heavy bleeding. This procedure is called a D & C (dilation and curettage) and it can be a lifesaver!
Myth: If you had a miscarriage, it’s a sign you deep down resented the baby.
Fact: The most wanted pregnancy ever could end in miscarriage. People who tried for years and finally got pregnant could experience a miscarriage. People who jumped through legal hurdles and spend a lot of money to be able to undergo sperm donation or IVF could experience a miscarriage. This is just a horrible and untrue thing to say about people who experience a potentially traumatic health event that’s entirely out of their control.
Myth: It’s easy to get over a miscarriage.
Fact: It’s a life-changing experience. It’s always emotionally challenging. There’s the aspect of the unexpected (and potentially scary) health event, and of course there’s also the aspect of a loss, of grief. It shouldn’t be surprising that, for most people, it’s not something they can easily shrug off. There are a lot of emotions that can come up - during, right after and also months or years after. There’s no time limit on when someone will be “over it”. In fact, they may never feel “over it”, just learn to live with it as part of their reality.
Myth: If it was an unplanned pregnancy, the person should be relieved to have a miscarriage.
Fact: There’s no “Should” in loss. Even if they didn’t want to be pregnant, they may still grieve. Even if they do feel some relief, it may be tinged with emotional pain, frustration, feelings of helplessness or guilt… And all of that is valid. Nobody but the person who experienced the miscarriage has a right to say how they feel about it.
Myth: If you had a miscarriage, it means you’ll never be able to have biological children.
Fact: Nearly 90% of people who miscarry will go on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies!