Reeccentric

hey guys! I'm a polisci major at ASU. I dabble in poetry, story telling, stage acting, stand up comedy and music! I wanted to make a Tumblr to meet other people who share my passions! there is more music and writing on my Instagram @Reeccentric

[reeccentric]

[reeccentric]

The tragedy of my art, I never get to choose.

The unlucky person that makes me pick up the chisel.

The person I make my muse.

If I had my choice, I would have never picked one as out of my reach as you.

Like the night I fell for those bright burning candle eyes.

I stood idly by, as you made wishes on dandelions

And I looked up at the moon.

Knowing this moment would soon be deserted like a promise, fallen on deaf ears.

Always a moment too soon.

Because those candle eyes blow out and I wake up.

And I'm at home, writing what could have been, alone, in my room.

[reeccentric]

I knew when I saw the red light of the falling summer sun form around the silhouette of your figure the way my lips form around fresh words.

Your hair was bouncing on the gush of the light northern breeze.

You smile that familiar smile.

Using your fingers to pull the hair out of your eyes.

You look over to me.

And I'm a blank canvas to your amazing piece of art.

And I shy away, just like yesterday and the weekend before.

Because I know this won't even do.

I could never find the right words, to put in a poem, to describe how much I adore you.

[reeccentric]

Sorry for writing you so shortly

Hope you've liked your time out in Berkeley.

I've just been writing a lot about you and stuff.

I've been doing so great lately.

I remember we talked a bit back, vaguely,

About the times it's become a little too much.

Tell me all about San Diego.

My gosh, where did the days go?

I see you in my mirror reflection, and I always feel stuck

I know you're out in the safari,

With a flask full of Bacardi.

Sipping on it as slow as you can.

Or you're in Delaware,

At the Kent City State fair.

Funny, I never took you for a fan.

And I still text your phone.

Every moment I'm down or alone.

Always telling myself you're somewhere close with a bad phone signal.

When the real answer is the hard type of simple.

You're not in any of those cities or countries.

You died years ago and I still let it haunt me.

20 years old,

And more than old enough to let the truth be told.

But it's easier to say "grandpa's in Africa" or "Grandad's down south"

Than ever let the fact you're gone come out of my mouth.

So tomorrow, I'll delete the contact,

I know that you would want that.

And tonight I'll put the prettiest flowers on the ground right above your casket.

The ones with the purple petals, the way you used to ask it.

I still drink my coffee like you,

Tie my ties the way you showed me to

I even took your favorite color, because when you left,

Everything started to look like a shade of blue.

[reeccentric]

Wondering where you went after you left me. 

Wondering where you are on this big rock of stars, mountains and seas. 

I heard a rumor that you charmed your way throughout Manhattan. 

Got by the West Side with a pretty smile and some broken Latin. 

Met a man, fell in love, left him after a few weeks. He awoke to an empty side, and lipstick stained satin sheets.

Like a character in a novella, 

Not out of character for you

I just haven't got a clue. 

Where did you go? 

What did you need? 

What was worth running away and leaving me alone and bursting at the seems. 

A little birdie told me you made your way to San Francisco. 

Went downtown where all the bleeding hearts go. 

Nights fueled by cocaine and disco. 

Met a man, the Mister to a Misses, 

let him fill your void as you gave him empty liquor fueled kisses. 

When he went to refill your drink, he came back to a lipstick stained receipt sitting on his seat. 

You leave when things get real, 

How desperately I want you to feel the pain that I feel. 

And I hate myself for thinking that, the way I hate myself for being this obsessed. 

But you told me things… things I've never heard confessed. 

In a night of panic, I called you manically

You picked up on the fourth ring, saying my name romantically. 

It was quiet for a bit, and I asked you how you've been. 

You said that you just arrived south of Houston. 

All alone, sick of breaking hearts of those that let you in. 

You said you were lonely, I told you I could visit. 

You lit up like Christmas, sent me your address and my heart went with it.

But when I got to your doorstep, I looked down, and all I saw was a lipstick stained Miami plane ticket. 

[reeccentric]

Talking over the phone, romance is on its last leg for you and me.

I was surprised, but now I know anyone could have seen.

I told you I could take the truth. That it wouldn't eat me up inside.

But your words felt like a punch

And I wish you had lied.

I wish you lied. 

I wish you lied.

You say you don't love me, I try to convince you that you do. 

Desperately grasping at straws and whatever else it would take to make it back to you. 

I wrote poems of you and I, 

Everything from our stories, to our unresolved goodbye. 

You said very little, but your anger spoke a million words. 

Words filled with viscous fire. I scribbled more rhymes trying to heal my burns. 

And you wish I'd die. 

You wish I'd die. 

You wish I'd die. 

It's college, I'm supposed to replace you with new warm bodies, tell myself they all compare. 

Get invested in new hobbies, constantly change my fashion and my hair. 

And it would have gotten easier, if I only had known where to start first.

Instead I got down on myself, texted you when I was at my worst. 

I wrote out 18 paragraphs just to delete them and write a simple "hi."

And I wish you replied

I wish you replied

I wish you'd reply…

[reeccentric]

It all comes and goes. 

I've been running through the past in my mind. 

Chasing old memories and ghost. 

Old loved ones I've lost along the way. 

Seasoned by the universe.

Wearied by the pain each day.

I've spent too many of my adult years trapped in the maze of a liminal space 

In love with the buzzing flourescent lights of this recognizable yet unfamiliar place. 

There is nowhere else I can still see  grandpa's smiling face,

Or hear mom laugh like she used to back in those days.

Right before grandma would set the table, and we would bow our heads for grace.

Trying to become my own man and it's hard. 

Trying to grow an adult heart.

I try everyday, but I break down

Now it's back to the place where it starts.

I still miss that time I was ten.

Wish I was happy as I was back then.  

Or maybe back when I was nine. 

All my people were doing just fine. 

Hell, I'd even take age eight. 

I didn't have much on my plate. 

But now I'm just twenty years old. 

Heartbroken, and left in the cold. 

I feel so alone.

Waiting for grandma to put a jacket on my shoulders and tell me it's time to go home.

Caught in a maze of liminal spaces. 

Missing all those familiar faces. 

Oversaturated with all the new places. 

Pathetic excuse for a man,

But I try what I can. 

Trying to be the best I can be. 

I just hope when I'm ready the world just loves me for me.

[reeccentric]

Hanging all around with the rough crowd, 

Your mom would be ashamed, but your pops would be proud. 

Getting real high, laying real low.

You know I'm never, ever gonna let you go. 

I would never leave without you.

Lets rendezvous with your friends, and do what bad kids do. 

Shotgunning on the mountaintops. 

You never take it easy, don't know when to stop. 

I'm just your little lover boy in disguise,

Right hand man, a partner in crime

The bad kids see it in my eyes.

And I can never take my eyes off of you.

 When we're doing all the things that bad kids do.

So I'll roll your blunts.

Take big hits like you've got something to prove.

I got asthma, baby lungs, 

Pass it to me, you know I'll always lose.

To my fiery, rebellious queen,

all I ever wanted was to be alone with you

I can see through your thick,smoke screens,

and they tell me that you've been lonely too.

We party every night to forget…

Bad kids just want love. 

But who wants to take that bet?

So just pass another blunt.

Fight, destroy and fuck just for the fun.

You know I really just want to be done. 

But I would go anywhere with you.

Even when we do the things the bad kids do

I guess we're the bad kids too.

But I kinda miss you…

Can't help but feel we're losing ourselves in this life. 

No consequences? A wonderful lie.

But the truth cuts deep as a knife. 

I think they got to you before it quite hit me. 

Spray paint, Molotov Cocktails.

With the adolescent rage to burn down the whole city…

I lit a flame, you did the same

Throw yours, I'll wait a lifetime for you

To outgrow the things that bad kids do

[reeccentric]

Can I write you a poem? 

Maybe buy you a meal? 

Cowardly, sheepishly yellow. 

Complimentary to your  smooth,calming teal. 

I fidget with my belongings when we are together. 

I fight the inner suspicion that you want better.

You own a million of my kisses, all of my passion, and at least 3 of my sweaters. 

But I wish I had more to give. 

I tiptoe in this flesh sack, using material things as validation to live. 

Don't fear me. 

Don't shy away. 

I should have said nothing. 

I never have anything to say.

If you could draw me in your image, I'd be rather fragile and way too gentle.

Like an antique with no true value, just the sentiment of being sentimental. 

Put me on one of your nightstands.

I'll sit confident and pretty. 

Pretending that you keeping me here is anything more than your sweet pity. 

[reeccentric]

I have worms, feasting on memories deep within my heart. 

From our final goodbyes, back to our very start. 

Empty is the halls that echo out as I'm haunted.

By every girl after you that left after they got what they wanted. 

And it's a toxic address, I know, too much I profess. 

But if I could go back to that night we met at the park, 

As the chitter chatter small talk turned deep, after dark. 

Keeping in mind all the future fights to be fought.  

I'd go back in an instant, with no second thoughts. 

Heartworms, be gone. 

You've taken all that I've had. 

Just let me be conned. 

By foolish aspirations I have. 

You show me memories I can't change. 

I feel estranged. 

People we used to be.

Compared to just the other day. 

We passed each other on an empty street. 

We felt like strangers. 

my lungs were filled with concrete. 

I couldn't breathe, 

I couldn't speak. 

You didn't want to, you still hate me. 

But my shame lies in heartworms I despise. 

Because it's a toxic address, but to myself I confess. 

That if I could go back to the night that marked our end. 

I would have fought like hell to stop you from walking out that door again. 

Weary from a million tired attempts as you find words to pin my intent against. 

And I'd try it again. 

And again. 

Even knowing nothing could ever make it work the way I wanted it to.

I'd go back every morning, every night, sunshine and rain pouring. 

Because even the moments before you leave are still moments with you. 

[reeccentric]

When you left.

I turned into that 14 year old boy stood up at homecoming. 

Get it off my chest 

I popped a pill. 

This shit feels so numbing. 

Who knew,

Feeling nothing feels great.

Reminds me of that time I locked myself in a closet when I was 8.

I stared into walls, while hours turned into short days. 

When you left, I became that teen at the lunch table seeking validation. 

In a room of motherfuckers chasing a new unstable,fleeting sensation. 

And I never lived up to my parents expectations. 

And it's killing me

Silly me. 

Don't you dare pity me. 

I'm the antagonist of my story. 

My acts achieved in villainy. 

Because when you left. 

I became that naive young man at your doorstep. 

Wearing a smile ear to ear

As if life doesn't chip away at a youthful spirit year by year. 

I want to kill him. 

I want to kill them all. 

Develop new skin.

Stand 7 ft tall. 

Be a person you can respect 

Even though you'd never expect,

I've never gotten a wink of sleep, 

Ever since you left.

[reeccentric]

You're standing at my door, looking in through the windows, knowing better than to enter again. 

I'm putting on a show,  staring through the peekhole every now and then.

It's this little game of reactionary chess

I've perfected my moves, but you still play this game best. 

So peek into my life, peak into my house and my beating heart. 

See the new lovers, the fruits of my labor,  but don't hear my floors creaking parts. 

I'll ignore it to maintain a provoking illusion. 

Satisfy your worst fears as you keep up with the perusing. 

A fake, painful, 60s sitcom style smile for you, ex lover of mine. 

The kitchens on fire,

The dogs are hungry, 

But as long as you can't see, it's all just fine.

I'm so happy,  can't you see? 

Happier than I was with your name on the lease. 

I'm so damn happy, everyone can tell.

Take a good look, I'm doing so well. 

I'm so fucking happy, I'm crying tears of joy

Look away sadly, barely holding the mask up, ruining my ploy.

You open the door…

Worlds between you and me become obsolete. 

I'm sheepishly staring at you, 

You're looking down at your feet.

I feel fire in my chest. 

I perfected my moves, but you still play this game the best. 

Now it is just you, me in the silence of the home.

You look passed me, see it was all an act, I am all alone. 

I give you a look once more 

You give me a look of warning. 

Is this the start of a war? 

Or an awkward housewarming?

But that doesn't matter, not here, not now. 

You are before me, I don't know why, or how. 

We can skip the "how do you do's" 

And "where have you been's"

I put on some music, put tea on the table. 

I only have one question,  

Are you going to come in?

[reeccentric]

TW: EATING DISORDER, SELF HARM.

6 ft tall and 256.

There was too much of me for you to love I guess. 

Wake up early morning, swollen belly and a sagging chest. 

You deserve better than a gut of 20 piece nuggets and a floppy pair of man breasts. 

Is this why you left?

Put the treadmill on the highest setting, 15 seconds in and I'm already sweating. 

Turn the shit off to catch my breath, go to McDonald's, and get an egg Mcmuffin to reward the attempt. 

See myself in the mirror. 

"You worthless, fat piece of shit" 

"We can get her back" 

I say without actually believing it. 

1 month and 245

I've shed more tears over you than any person alive. 

The workouts didn't work, so now I just don't eat.

It's not as bad as it sounds though. Anything to win you back, then it will be complete. 

I write out text to check in, but my fingers get sweaty. I always press delete. 

"What is the goal?" 

My friends ask when we meet in class

I just look down and say 

"Just until she wants me back."

Now on month 2 and I'm 238.

Not enough movement. 

I thought I was doing great. 

I thought I was on my way to having you back in my arms with your head on my chest. 

I'm running out of time, there could be another man around the corner, trying his best. 

Can't afford to lose you evermore.

So I stick two fingers down my throat till it's rsally sore. 

Hugging the toilet with my knees on the floor. 

Usually food, once in a while acid, and sometimes a little pool of red. 

it hurts like hell, but it kills the feeling of wishing to be dead. 

Because I feel every pound I shed is making me one step closer to getting you as more than a friend. 

Put my heart in a position where I'm not scared to love you again. 

Month 3 216, 

Haven't eaten in 48 hours and it's raising my self esteem. 

I'm being so good. 

You can respect me now, love me, the way I thought you would. 

Had a talk on the phone. You acted weird. I should have known… 

You got a new man, consider him my superior. 

You tell me how you never cared about my exterior. 

Beneath the man breasts was something you loved with all your heart. 

Now replaced by a dude less broken, with all functioning parts. 

Although it broke me, you said what you had to say. 

I truly loved you, but not in your kinda way. 

I cried for hours, I cried for days. Cried till I laughed. 

Cried more than I ate and lost 4 pounds in a week and a half.

Now I'm kinda fucked, not sure what to do, but I won't give up, I won't ever get over you

Month 4, barely standing, and 192.

[reeccentric]

Promising things don't begin for me,  it is what it is. 

Use my tears to seal the blunt before i light, and breathe it in. 

Never can win. 

I look in the mirror,

Fatboy, 

big nose, 

too dark, 

no hoes, 

no friends 

lowlife 

loose ends

tongue tied

And why in the fuck am i even here?

I collect insecurities like their souvenirs

Overthink so much,  I almost find solace in the few things I don't fear. 

Everything i do ends in pain

Everytime i move it's all the same 

And there are never enough hours in the day.

I never got over a thing,  instead now it's all just piling up under me.

Performed poems for the rich,  that consider my words another luxury.

Am I winning? Why does it never feel that way? 

Why am I asking these questions? Ranting to my disillusioned Tinder date.

"Aren't you a poet?"

She looks at me to say

"Published a few, but they aren't all that great"

And she plays with her food and just stares at her plate 

Caught in an awkward silence, I stare away.

It must be a writer's curse that my best lines always come to mind the next day.

Because I am a poet,  that much is true. 

My words lay in books, my pen bleeds stanza of you. 

Short and sweet, like a lovely haiku

My mind is free verse the same way violets are blue.

I don't like myself,  but I love my words and the reminder of what I can do.

[reeccentric]

I guess I sorta missed you ever since you've left home.

I called a dozen times, but you didn't answer the phone

I know you're in a dorm, feeling too good for me.

Fresh septum piercing and a cute film degree.

I'm scared you'll forget all about me, when you wake up in a university T

And you look to your side to see the university QB.

You just keep changing,

I just keep staying the same.

I'm water in a glass.

You're gasoline that's caught on to a new flame.

Yeah, you keep changing.

And I've just stayed the fucking same.

You bleed cool, I ooze with lame.

I know you're at a rave, feeling too good for me.

With your new vegan diet and mini aloe vera tree.

And the sad part is,

I'm at a desk at home,

Knowing you're too good for me too.

With your art student hair and semicolon tattoo.

[reeccentric]

For she is the girl of which all men rave. 

I'd shoot her a smile through the flames, but I could never be so brave. 

Another heartbreak story, a tale of woe

For I am all hers, and I am someone she will never know. 

My words could be as careful as a child with new toys. 

But hers are sharp, witty and filled with her addictive poise. 

And her smile could make the winter warm. 

And her frown could form a hideous storm. 

Yet at first glance, you would never know it. 

She keeps it to herself, only showing beauty to those who bestow it. 

I would give her the world if it weren't so cold. 

Dark, silky hair like strands of flowing chocolate gold.

I'd shoot her a smile through the snow, 

But I would never be so bold. 

Here I am before her, a man scared of his own shadow

And forever the guy that she will never care to know. 

[reeccentric]

I've got what they call: heartbreakitis.

It's a pretty nasty case. 

Symptoms include overeating, under eating

Day sleeping, 

And tears running down your face. 

I've got them all, plus a dozen more. 

Sometimes, you get bad flares and end up fetal on the floor. 

No motivation to move, hardly any to breathe. 

You only leave your room for food, and enter it to sleep. 

You feel like a ghost running around an empty castle, just trying to find peace. 

Pulling away from everything you love out of fear it might leave. 

Eyes watering, running a fever of one hundred and three. 

Wondering if my old lover is as poor off as me. 

I don't know what's worse, shivering in bed alone or the fever. 

Doesn't matter, because now you're on your own and you just really need her. 

Am I in love again? 

Or do I just want to spread the disease? 

I beg the universe, as I bow on my knees. 

Give me relief. 

For love is a disease I want to be rid of. 

Give me whatever vaccine it takes to get rid of love.