Greetings, friendos!

She/They pronouns. Rabid Hufflepuff. Will eat your kneecaps, free of charge.

[notahorseindisguise]

this one . i missed this . that great you can go ahead and order it

[thememedaddy]

[fluffysheeple]

christian bad driver: my guardian angel watches over me, I don't need to look before I merge

atheist bad driver: I will rely on my own skill to see myself safely home after a mere 8 drinks

agnostic bad driver: no one knows where all these dents and scratches came from

[orteil42]

controversial stance but i do wish i could live forever. i certainly live like i'm going to live forever. i take my time. realistically however my lifespan is dreadfully limited and there are things i've "been meaning to do" that i will never get around to. the Emoji Movie came out almost 10 years ago. in all that time on any random day i could've decided to sit down and watch it, and i did not. how many more decades will slip by like this? conceivably, it could be all the decades i have left. watching the Emoji Movie would not be, after all, a crucial use of my time. much better things to do. i could easily postpone it over and over and over until my final breath where it may not even register to me that i never did watch the Emoji Movie. no great loss, certainly; and yet i find myself intrigued by Patrick Stewart's involvement

[enchantedbook]

"Captain Nemo" by Clara Scintilla

[sinistra-orlok]

[we-all-got-scars-again]

IT’S MARCH

[multifand0mtrash]

[magical-awesome-kid]

Uh… It’s still May…

[clowncare]

[normalstuffidk]

It’s august

[storm-driver]

[stuckinapril]

Always always always tell people you love they are so smart and capable. I will die on this hill. More often than not people are raised in unforgiving environments that tell them they are inherently “stupid” and not good enough for things, whether that be parents or cruel bosses or unsupportive friends. An underrated way of supporting people is reminding them they are brilliant no matter what anyone has ever said about their intellect and potential. People can do wonders when it’s affirmed to them their limiting beliefs are just that: limiting beliefs.

[cutecipher]

we have a code red politeful purrer incident

[isthereaduck]

There are no ducks in this post.

[emil]

THAT YOU KNOW OF

[teaboot]

I think that if you lose an arm and get fitted for a prosthetic u should get to refer to your prosthetist as your arms dealer

[teaboot]

And if it's a leg you can call them your footman like you're tge queen of france

[dogpuppy]

[rfsnyder]

The Dance" by Amos Sewell (1960}

[throo]

Wh-what do you mean it’s from a birthday cake

[throo]

We could have been eating him

[dogpuppy]

[technofinch]

i say "godspeed, soldier" way too much for someone who puts their faith in neither god nor the military

[bullletproof-love]

Don’t tell your daughter that when a boy is mean or rude to her it’s because he has a crush on her. Don’t teach her that abuse is a sign of love.

[comic-canary]

My mom always taught me yell or fight back. Boys would be mean and I would yell back. I would get my ass pinched and I would smack them as hard as I could.

Who alway got in trouble? Me.

They would call my mother and she always came in and lectures my teachers and threatened to sue for making her miss work and treating me poorly.

She always taught my brothers to respect women. The only fights my brothers ever got in was defending women from someone else.

The school tried to call my father once instead of my mother on us. He came in in his full preacher outfit (being a preacher and all) and gave them an entire sermon on what would Jesus day of he was called in. They decided dealing with my mom was better.

[edmundo-noches-buckley]

I think my favorite story of this is when some kid snapped my bra and I turned around, didn’t even think about it, and punched that little motherfucker right in the nose.

So naturally, I end up in the principal’s office, refusing to apologize. 

“He shouldn’t have put his hands on me and I wouldn’t have hit him!” That’s the only thing I was saying.

These people had the unfortunate luck of catching my dad at home, instead of my mom. So he comes fucking sauntering in there, like he’s Clint fucking Eastwood in some western movie and looks at me. 

“Melissa, did you punch him?” 

“Yes.” I said. 

“Why?” 

“Because he snapped my bra strap.” 

And he turns his squinty eyed glare to the principal and says, “You’re telling me my daughter is in trouble because that squirrely looking kid put his hands on her and she chose to defend herself? That’s what you are saying to me.” 

“Well, sir-” The man kind of stuttered because my dad is kind of intimidating in the quiet sort of way that kind of whispers in the back of your mind that this person could be dangerous. “Melissa did make it physical.” 

“No. That kid put his hands on my daughter. Are you saying my daughter cannot defend herself when some boy decides to put hands on her? Is that what you are teaching my girl?” 

I didn’t get suspended that day.  

[lotrlocked]

*slow clap for excellent parenting*

[ive-got-a-dark-side]

This is the parent I want to be omg

[marybeatriceofmodena]

I went to a nun school. 

The nuns there were like, so rad. 

It was a party organized for the end of the school year, and I was helping in the kitchen to prepare stuff with a nun and a bunch of little girls. There was one of the girls’ little brother who was there. 

There was a little girl who was carrying a bowl of tomato sauce and was going outside, but the boy was just in front of her and he slammed the door in her face. She dropped the bowl on the floor and got all messy. 

So what happened? 

The nun went outside, took the boy by the arm, and gave him an epic speech going around the lines of: “Would you treat the Virgin Mary like that, young man?” “Nnnnno…” “Then treat every girl like she’s the Virgin Mary.” Not only the boy had to apologize to the little girl, but he also had to clean up and he was put on kitchen duty for the rest of the day. 

Then another day, in catechism class (I was a in a girls’ school, mind you), the nun was there telling us: “If a guy touches you in a way you don’t like, punch him in the face. It’s not a sin against charity. On the contrary, you’re being charitable by showing him he’s sinning by impurity and you’ll save him from going to hell.” 

So I was at my desk during class looking like this: 

[musicalhell]

Reblogging for awesome dads and kickass nuns.

[autijacen]

“you’re being charitable by showing him he’s sinning by impurity and you’ll save him from going to hell.”

What a mood.

[bairnsidhe]

Jesus said if guys hands were causing them sin-problems, they should cut them off.  Face-punching seems like a good pre-amputation steps, to prevent it getting that far.

[creekfiend]

I’ve been meaning to ask this for a while and I am sorry if it comes off oddly. How do you navigate an intelligence gap in a relationships? I have dated men of equivalent or greater intellect and found them inadequate in other ways, but when I have dated men less intelligent than me I become frustrated with them and their insecurities bleed into the relationship. You and Ship (or the personas you perform publicly) seem content. How do you avoid getting frustrated? [cont.]

"[part 2] I mean no insult to Ship of course. They seem very attentive and I used to really enjoy their detective skits. From the contents of your blogs they come across as so much less intellectually curious that it surprises me that you are compatible. Do you get adequate intellectual stimulation from other relationships/is that not a need for you in a partner/are my standards unrealistic?"

i have no idea how to respond to this. we have all been in absolutely helpless hysterics about it for the last thirty minutes. this is by far the most deranged ask I have received about my personal life on this website in my fifteen year career on here, and that is saying quite a lot

i can't decide which part of this message is my favorite, but if I HAD to say, probably the part where you appear to be entirely in earnest about this? in almost any other case I would assume a message like this was an elaborate way of insulting me or my partner or both, but I really genuinely don't think that's the case for you, which is actually MORE confusing. its just so compelling. there's so many layers here. i want to hire someone to cross stitch this for me so I can hang it in our living room. i can hear ship intermittently breaking out in peals of hysterical laughter in the kitchen

[creekfiend]

you can see on my heart rate monitor when I opened this ask and began laughing helplessly

[headspace-hotel]

I wish I had better memories of all the fucked up things I thought about myself when I was little, so I could analyze them.

[headspace-hotel]

In my memories of being child me, I was constantly enduring the horrors but also inexhaustibly resigned to whatever was going on. I remember being 6 years old at a summer camp and I was in a group with 5 other girls who all decided to gang up on me and bully me relentlessly. Like, they made it their life's mission to torment me from the very beginning throughout the entire week. And these were the only other kids I was closely interacting with

In my head I was very nonchalantly like "meh, what can ya do, guess I'll have to have fun by myself..."

Looking back on this I am horrified because there was a camp counselor Right There the entire time and she did Nothing.

I remember crying a lot, and that camp is definitely not a positive memory. In fact I think I hated it a lot. But I don't remember the emotions of hating it. It just sucked and I didn't want to do it again.

I think my parents didn't know what was going on with the bullying, I didn't really have the ability to explain it in words.

I also got second-degree burns from the sun at that camp (huge blisters all over my back and shoulders) despite being sent there with sunscreen so i think the adults just kind of fucking sucked

[headspace-hotel]

Anyways I had a really strong belief that I was weaker and more sensitive than other people and that I deserved to suffer because of it. I was terrified of yet longed for some kind of "real" awful experience that would reveal how weak I was and "break" me into a stronger person.

This sense of necessity of punishment/suffering was intense and vicious.

I think it's helped me to understand on a visceral level how fascists think, specifically their obsession and gratification with punishment and humiliating people they hate. That emotional realm is something I just "get" because I've felt that towards myself. A lot.

[headspace-hotel]

Did other people experience this (the vicious desire for the resolution of some kind of 'deserved' suffering) or was this another deeply fucked up and bizarre thing that was for some reason embedded in the fundamental structure of my universe

Relatedly, I do remember having a kind of buildup of guilt about being accommodated or treated more gently when I was upset, or 'spared' upsetting experiences, because it was like oh, I'm getting special treatment because I am so weak and sensitive...