after hours

ash • '03 • bi • i reblog whatever i find interesting • sideblogs - @archivedmusings • @minxienna

[j-emini-deactivated20250812]

psa f1blr: it has come to my attention that far too many ppl on this hellsite don't know where to stream races illegally so i'll make it very simple. you can do it HERE or HERE :)

[power-chords]

This Dan Piraro comic always makes me cry.

[tuttle-did-it]

When I lived in London there was a murder of crows that lived near me. I fed them often, they brought me presents (shiny rubbish and cigarette butts they found on the floor to thank me.)

When I moved, I’m certain they understood I was leaving because I had all my stuff and gave them lots of food and compliments.

But, they chased down my friend who lived in the next burrough over. They had recognised that friend with me several times and followed them to their house when they couldn’t find me.

They adopted my friend and it was now my friend’s job to bring them snacks and receive the presents.

This was maybe 6-7 years ago.

I visited London last year. Went to see my friend. The crows all not only recognised me, they tracked me down. We got into my friend’s flat and not twenty minutes later there was chaos on the balcony.

We open the curtains, the entire fucking murder is there shouting because they wanted to see me.

Crows are the very best birds.

[incogneat-oh]

For the meme - is 2 and tim and jason, or tim and bruce ok? Also - your rules aren't mean, people are just dumb about paying attention.

2: Sleepy

<3!

—

Jason is scowling in the Manor’s kitchen. It’s a bit after 8am, which is practically the middle of the night for people of the vigilante persuasion. Alfred is away for another few nights, and somehow, Jason had found himself babysitting the kitchen-illiterate members of his family. He can’t remember agreeing to do it, but then, that’s how these things happen with Alfred.

And, there’s the small matter of his apartment sort-of burning down last week.

So. He’s here. 

He’s contemplating making an omelet, figuring someone’ll stir eventually, when he feels something small collide with his side. And latch on.

He can feel bony fingers digging into his sides, the ruffle of breath against his shirt. 

Jason very carefully shifts his arm. Peers down. 

And. The figure is so dwarfed by oversized clothing that Jason’s immediate instinct is to think it’s Damian. But that kid’s hair is not long enough to achieve the seriously impressive bed-head-bird’s-nest currently smushed into his torso. 

Slowly, Jason reaches his hand down. He bravely touches it, smoothing its tangled hair away from what is probably a face. 

And Tim Drake blinks owlishly up at him from under his own hand, sleepy blue eyes and an open mouth. After a moment, he mumbles, “Y’re not Bruce.”

Jason says, “No shit.”

Tim drops his arms. Looking only very faintly put out, but mostly just asleep.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to go ‘round hugging psychotic killers?” Jason says, because he really doesn’t know how to play this one. 

At that, the kid frowns a little deeper, eyes still half-lidded. And he steps (stumbles) forward, fitting himself effortlessly against Jason’s side again. And he says, “You w’re Robin.” 

Like that’s everything.

And Tim squeezes tighter, fingers probably leaving fuckin’ bruises, and Jason just waits. Tim Drake, the boy who is prickly on a good day, who grimaces his way through Dick-Grayson hugs, who maintains an awkward, professional distance from Alfred, is hugging him. Like he means it.

So what can Jay do? Except raise an awkward hand to rest on the babybird’s back, against his sleep-warm ‘The Breakfast Club’ t-shirt. He says, eventually, “You have met the latest Robin, right?” and the little shit shushes him, in a mumble, from where his face is hidden.

Feeling oddly… fond, Jason just laughs. Ruffles Tim’s stupid-messy hair with his spare hand, mostly to see what he’ll do. (The answer: Nothing at all.)

And he’s still coming to terms with the oddness of this situation, the unfamiliar warmth-and-soap-and-firmness that is a hug from Tim Drake, when he hears someone at the doorway. He half-turns, mouth open–

“B.” Tim says. And that’s all. He’s long gone from Jason’s side (and when did that happen—), when Bruce meets him halfway. 

The man’s in a henley and a pair of sweats, hair loose and feet bare. He’s also wearing a soft smile, and apparently, the clingiest ever barnacle that’s his third son.

“Fickle little…” 

Bruce smiles at him, over Tim’s head. He looks down, then, arms coming up to return the boy’s squeezing hug. He says, “Good morning, Tim. Sleep okay?”

“Mgmmf.”

The man nods, quite seriously, as though it wasn’t nonsense. Then, warmly, “Good morning, Jay. I see you’ve met pre-coffee Tim.” 

Jason feels his eyebrows hit his hairline. He says disbelievingly, “This isn’t… unusual?”

Bruce considers the question, a large hand absently petting Tim’s back. “He’s been doing it since I adopted him,” he says, after a moment. And, thoughtfully, to himself, “He used to thank me every morning…” He doesn’t even slightly relinquish his hold on the Replacement — if anything, he squeezes tighter — but he does steer them both closer to the counter. 

On their way, Bruce ducks his head slightly, to kiss Jason’s temple. Then he continues forward, saying, “Well, it seems you’re part of a very selective group now, Jason.”

“… Uh?”

“Tim’s hug beneficiaries,” Bruce clarifies, smiling, pouring himself a coffee. He is apparently an expert at manoeuvring around the lump of Tim. 

He takes a long sip, absently fixing the kid’s hair with his other hand.

And Jason blinks, his eyes closed for less than a second, but somehow, when he opens them, Tim’s got Bruce’s coffee gripped in both hands and is sleepily making his way over to the empty table. 

There is a long moment of silence.

“Did Tim just steal your coffee.”

Bruce considers this for a beat. “To the untrained eye,” he concedes, “It might appear that way." and Jason. Well. He figures breakfast can wait, until he’s got his breath back from laughter.

END.

[bruce-wayne-enjoyer]

HC that Jason tends to stress bake. This started when Jason first began therapy, and his counsellor basically had him try old hobbies as saner, constructive coping mechanisms.

So Jason just makes like 60 cookies every other day, and maybe a whole ass marble cake, sometimes it's as simple as a few tarts.

The family starts understanding it as code overtime, of Jason offering his stress food and with it, a hand reaching out for help.

It's silly progress.

But also progress.

.

.

Steph, answering the phone: Yewwol?

Jason, actually shaking on the other line: I made 20 pans of brownies and I don't even remember buying 20 pans to make brownies in and I feel so stupid and- WHY WON'T THIS PIPPING BAG CLOSE

Steph: ...So it's a Brownie day?

Jason: ...yeah ☹️

Steph: Right. Give me a few minutes. Damian's coming to help pass the brownies around to your neighbors, then we're eating one for ourselves.

.

.

Alfred: Why is Master Jason in our kitchen on an undetermined family day... making macaroons?

Tim, not looking up from his phone: JK R*wling was on his fyp today

Alfred: Ah, I see.... Well, at least Master Jason has not—

[from afar] Jason: WHERE'S THE FUCKING RED 40.

Alfred:

Alfred: Well, at least he didn't ask for Blueberries.

.

.

Jason: I made 100 cookies 😠 because you shouted at me 😠😠 for finishing the job during patrol last night 😠😠😠

Bruce: Mm.

Jason: This is all YOUR FAULT. I expect to be renumerated for EVERYTHING — the ingredients, the electric bill, the time.

Bruce: Mm.

Jason: And you're NOT getting any this time! 😠 I gave it away to the orphanage two blocks from my apartment 😠 because only those orphans deserve my treats 😠😠😠

Bruce: Okay.

Jason:

Bruce:

Bruce, also emotionally constipated and trying hard in therapy: Do you want a hug?

Jason: ...fuck you.

[they do hug]

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 69 (masterpost here) (league days)

Damian: ok one more, quickly before Father shows up.

Dick: you should release this app y'no littlewing, it's honestly impressive that you coded it by yourself.

Jason: stop trying to get my league days app code, i told you i'm not letting you skip ahead.

Dick, whining: come on,,,

Tim: shut up and give us the next one.

*distant car alarm*

Jason: ...d'you reckon that's a robbery alarm or a 'pigeon just flew into my parked car's windshield' alarm?

Tim: i... *deep sigh* honestly my arms are really tired from pulling a double-patrol; let's just say pigeon alarm so i don't have to stand up again.

Damian: can't wait for that news article. 'Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood and Nightwing spotted sitting on a roof playing an ice breaker game while two streets away the Joker steals a car with a baby inside from it's weeping mother'.

Jason: *snort* 'when questioning Batman on his co-workers clear apathy to the suffering of Gotham's people, our great protector responded 'they thought it was a pigeon''.

Tim: *snicker*

Dick: well, i hear no screams and the Joker's dead, so i'm gonna go ahead and say we're good for the next few minutes. hit us, Day.

*long pause of silence*

Jason, wryly: why are you lookin' at me like that? what does it say?

Damian, audibly exasperated: 'i've always been quite pleased with the fact that nobody ever questioned my decision to be a vegetarian, because it's very embarrassing to explain'.

*another pause*

Tim: oh for fuck's sake-

Jason, already laughing: what- what's wrong-?

Tim, flat: no.

Dick: *amused* whaddya mean no,

Tim: no- because you know how unfair this bullshit is? i can't even decide if it's more helpful to play this game in person or just over the ear pieces, because they're- THEY'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: -LIKE WHAT DOES THAT FACE MEAN?

Damian: *quietly chuckling* i don't- it doesn't mean anything, Drake. it's fine,

Tim: no- that has to be, like, you're looking at him because you're pissed about how vague he made the lie. Jay made the lies and you made the truths, so if you're looking at him like that it has to be a lie.

Dick: don't- fuckin' *light wheeze* stop ruining the game before it even starts! even if it is a lie, are you not curious about what the fuck he comes up with?

Tim: no. i've learned, Dick. the best way to get out of this game calmly is to just use your instincts and shut it down straight away. it's my new strategy, ok? i'm hacking the code.

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason, fighting back laughter: well you don't- i don't think you can make that assumption, you know? letting Damian pick all the truths in the game is a big responsibility, who knows what he'd avoid writing down just to get out of talking about it. maybe i slipped a few more truths in there to force it out of him; maybe that's why he's glaring at me.

*a beat*

Damian: *wheeze*

Tim: no fuck off, you aren't just changing the way the game works, that's not allowed.

Damian: w- it's a made up game, Timothy, what are you talking about?

Tim: *incredulous huff of laughter* no! no, this is a lie. nay, end of, i'm out. you aren't getting me with this one.

Dick: pussy. Damian, why is it embarrassing that you're a vegetarian?

Damian: *snort* uh,

Tim, mocking: -oh do you not remember? shocking.

Damian: *wheeze* it's because i became a vegetarian after losing a bet.

Dick, curiously: wait so it wasn't your choice?

Damian: no, i actually used to love eating meat.

Jason: that's what she- *quieter* no i can't make that joke in reference to a young child, my bad.

Dick: *abrupt cackle* JASON.

Damian, also laughing: fuck you.

Tim: are you actually claiming you don't eat meat ever, all because you lost a bet as a child?

Dick: yeah, what fucking bet was this? what happened?

Jason: *snicker*

Damian: *sigh* so, Jason had to take some of his men to one of the villages near the compound, i'll admit i can't really remember why,

Tim: convenient.

Dick: *laughs*

Damian: -i just remember that everybody seemed to think the reason they'd been sent was bullshit. i'm fairly sure my grandfather had sent them and they were just going to make him stop talking about it or something? so they weren't actually doing anything, they just went to the village and were hanging out, talking to the locals and stuff. and Jason thought it would be a good opportunity to get me out of the compound for a few hours, so he snuck me out and took me with them.

Dick: this village- was this like, a normal village, or a league connected village, or…?

Damian: normal. or- er, *pause* i guess you could say league connected? it was basically- the compound was very far from modern civilisation, but although Grandfather didn’t want the world to know he existed, he did want to take advantage of some modern supplies,

Jason: -cause he’s a fuckin’ hypocrite-

Damian: -so you keep telling him- anyway, there’s quite a few settlements and small civilisations or villages within on-foot travel distance, and although they’re all local and technically not affiliated with the league, he does use some of those villages as supply drop offs or neutral meeting spots, so like… they are kinda connected but only in the way that an amazon warehouse would be connected to Jason’s phone. y’know?

Jason: leave me and my fucking amazon app alone.

Dick: ok so the people living there-?

Damian: not league employees.

Dick: got it. so you and Jason are at this village, not working.

Damian: exactly.

Dick: what happens next?

Damian: well, one of the most recent shipments Grandfather was having Jason’s men oversee was weaponry; guns and rifles and stuff. so, because they’re all childish idiots, Jason and his most trusted squadron start playing with the guns.

Jason: *snort*

Damian: one of the locals we were more familiar with used to make these clay statues, like little animals, y’know? and Jason blew i think, like, six months of his pay on ridiculously overpaying for a bunch of these little clay birds.

Tim: hold on- you actually got paid at the loa?

Jason: *disinterested noise* i mean i guess you could argue it was more my allowance, but yeah.

Tim: unbelievable. we don’t get paid.

Dick, dry: Tim you inherited millions from your parents.

Tim: still.

Dick: ok- anyway, what happened with the clay birds.

Damian: they were taking in turns using them as targets while trying out the rifles, you know- like clay pigeon shooting? and i decided i wanted to try.

Dick: shooting?

Damian: yes. i didn’t have that much practice with guns at that point, because Grandfather preferred i sharpen my more traditional combat abilities. but i was young, and i wanted to copy Jason and his friends, i guess.

Dick: Jason- what face even is that?

Jason: i’m- i’m *audible struggling not to laugh* just shut up- leave me alone, i’m not part of this.

Dick: uh- *wheeze* ok, so Day, did he let you use the gun?

Damian: he thought it would be a bad idea, but i was… insistent.

Jason: *whimper*

Tim, flatly: why the fuck wouldnt he want you using a gun? he gives you guns now,

Damian: when i was younger i was… more sensitive to animals, and i had a tendency to get attached. *pause* to objects. occasionally.

Dick: waddaya mean?

Jason, muffled, high pitched: ‘e ‘ad a pet rock,

Dick, in disbelief: what??

Damian: LOOK,

Jason: *wheezes uncontrollably*

Damian, over him: LISTEN. you already know i was like, never allowed out of the compound. i didn’t speak to people that weren’t assassins, i didn’t get much alone time, and attachments were very much not encouraged. i was… a little bit behind, on my emotional affection regulation, i guess. i wasn’t allowed to care about any pets or guards because, well, they could die at any time. so, i would get attached to objects instead.

Jason: -yeah, you say that; you did also get attached to the animals and guards around the compound, you just refused to fuckin’ admit it. it was like you thought you’d be punished for smiling at Isla in the kitchens, but screaming bloody murder any time any of us tried to separate you from the fuckin’ snake skull you found and decided was your friend—oh that was ok.

Tim, amused: you made friends with a snake skull?

Damian: your parents are dead and they hated you when you were alive, mind your business.

Dick: *abrupt cackle*

Tim: man, fuck you.

Dick: ok- ok stop, you still haven’t even said what the bet was.

Damian: *sigh* well Jason thought i’d get attached to the clay birds, and that i’d throw a tantrum when they then got shot, so he didn’t want me using the gun in case i got sad. and i told him he was being ridiculous, because he was, and i’d be fine. and we argued back and forth for a while until Jason eventually threw out something like ‘you’re so fucking sensitive to this shit, it’s a wonder you even eat chicken.’

Tim: stop laughing.

Jason, high pitched: m- trying,

Damian: and i think at this point i must have been like, seven. so i’m instantly like, ‘what are you talking about, chicken is great, you’re an idiot’. and Jason goes ‘yeah, chicken is great until you’re the one killing and preparing the bird, and that’s what this basically is you know, we’re shooting fake birds.’ and i’m a little rebel, right? so i get in his face and i’m like ‘i could do that easily, you’re just a coward.’

Dick: oooh~

Damian: yeah- by the way? *amused* i’m seven and he’s fresh out the pit. ‘in his face’ is him sitting on the floor cross-legged so i can reach him.

Dick and Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: yeah. and he goes ‘ok then, how about when you do get sad that the target is dead, you aren’t ever allowed to eat chicken again.’ and then he adds on ‘even better, you’re never allowed to eat meat again’. and i’m like, you’re on. and i take the rifle.

Jason: *barely audible snickers, clearly muffled*

Dick: see- i know you said about the ‘Damian didn’t know it, so clearly Jason wrote it and it’s a lie thing’, but i dunno if Jay would laugh this hard if it was a made up story,

Tim: are you kidding me? Jason thinks Damian’s the funniest motherfucker on the planet, he’ll laugh at anything Damian says, it’s honestly annoying. plus, if you think this is true then you’re saying you believe that the only reason Damian does not and will not EVER eat meat, is just because he said he wouldn’t get sad when a clay bird broke, and then got sad anyway.

Dick: …he has a point. like i know how good an actor Day is, there’s no way you couldn’t have just pretended not to be sad.

Damian: well- *snort* well hold on now, because i never said that’s what happened.

Jason: *weeps*

Damian: …i should probably specify that this wasn’t Jason’s fault. he didn’t know that it would happen, so he didn’t like- he didn’t set it up.

Dick: wait, what happened?

Damian: i had the rifle, and i aimed it up so one of Jason’s men could throw the clay bird and i could shoot it, right? except what we didn’t realise, was that one of the other locals bred and raised doves as a hobby,

Dick, gasping: no,

Damian: and one of them happened to get free,

Jason: *muffled choking noise*

Damian: so little seven year old me expected to shoot a piece of rock with no further consequences, hit a bullseye, and was suddenly engulfed in an explosion of blood, bird organs, and feathers. and the dove died in front of me.

Dick, in awe: oh my god???

Jason: *starts wheezing louder*

Damian, also holding back laughter: and so- and so- Jason fuck off, *laugh* and so i started crying, throwing up, just losing it—Jason had to take like forty-five minutes to calm me down and wipe the blood off my face, he had to pay for the dove,

Dick, incredulous: he had to pay for the dove-!

Damian: he took me back to the compound while i was clinging to his neck, and i just refused to be let down all day. Mother was furious with him, and i remember all of Jason’s subordinates taking turns trying to cheer me up while i was like, clinging to Jason’s chest.

Dick: oh my god,

Damian: yeah, and then after all that i sat down to dinner, still a little shaken, and we had boiled chicken. and i still remember reaching out my like, trembling hand to grab my fork—and Jason just slides the plate away, looks me dead in the eyes, and he goes ‘not for you, we had a deal.’ and-

Dick and Jason: *instantly lose it*

*loud, echoing cackles*

Damian, barely audible over them: -AND EVER SINCE THEN, I HAVE BEEN HONOUR BOUND.

Dick: THAT’S SO- *cough* THAT’S SO MEAN,

Jason: *noiseless wheezing*

Tim, flat: and again, it’s a nice story. creative, sure, but it is a lie.

*hands slapping against concrete*

Damian: Jason- shut up,

Jason: *high-pitched laughter-*

Dick: well- *cough* wait, hold on, Tim, Tim, because- *wheeze*

Tim: what.

Dick: it’s just- listen, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… do you remember like, a while ago, where we were talking about Damian not having friends growing up? and Jason was telling us about his closest subordinates? *pause* ……didn’t he mention that Damian shot a dove?

*silence*

Jason: *breathless gasps for air*

Dick: ‘cause that wasn’t part of the game, so there’s no reason for him to have lied. if this is- if this is that incident…. then what are the chances of it being true?

Damian: *snort* uh, i’m gonna need a yay or a nay from you both now.

*silence*

Dick: Tim?

*more silence*

Dick, amused: Tim, do you smell toast?

Tim, very quietly: don’t wanna play the stupid game anymore.

Dick: *mid-laugh* Tim-

Tim, abruptly, very loud: NO.

Damian: that’s what i said when i shot the dove.

Jason: *wheezes again*

*crashing sounds* *screeching* *yelling*

Tim: YOU CHANGED THE RULES-

Jason: GET HIM OFF ME-

Dick: TIM-

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 85 (masterpost here)

*wrapper crunching* *straw slurping*

Dick, absently: moon's pretty tonight.

Damian: *grunt of affirmation*

Bruce: don't get too comfortable; we have two hours until the shipment drops, this is just a temporary break.

Dick: *dramatic groan*

Jason: -can you just for once live in the fucking moment? we have burritos. we're all here together. shut the fuck up.

Bruce, bemused: i'm just warning you against getting too bloated before the mission, chum. i don't want you to get an upset stomach.

Damian: he's calling you fat, by the way.

Dick: *snort*

Bruce: i'm not- i'm not calling you-

Jason: you are though, you're fully calling me fat,

Bruce, resigned: Hood,

Tim, suddenly: -you know what i realised earlier?

*a beat*

Dick, laughing slightly: alright, Tim's just- Tim's just in his own world,

Bruce: don't be mean, and we're still on patrol here. no names. what did you realise?

Tim: i was just thinking about how Jason and Dick are the only two of us that had to find out that Bruce was Batman.

Bruce, sighing heavily: names,

Damian, dry: Father there is nobody within fifty feet of us.

Jason, ignoring him: whaddaya mean?

Tim: like. i figured it out myself and knew before i ever became Robin. Damian's known from birth because it wasn't ever a secret in the league; of the official Wayne kids, you two are the only ones that had to actually be told and 'find out'. Dick, you were told after you were taken in, right?

Dick: *humming* actually, he tried to keep it from me at first.

Tim: he did?

Jason: oh that's right. 'cause you were taken in by Bruce Wayne; i was taken in by Batman. you found out Bruce was Batman, i had to find out that Batman was Bruce.

Bruce: was there really much of a difference? and Nightwing, you found out literal days after i brought you home.

Dick: yeah but not because you told me.

Damian: how did you find out?

Dick, dismissive: oh i just watched him walk into his clock and disappear and decided to follow him. he was not that great at hiding. i'm pretty sure he forgot i was in the building.

Bruce: i did not forget you were in the building—you were my ward, Dick, i knew you would have to know about the Batcave eventually.

Tim: how did you react? were you freaked out?

Dick: honestly it was so long ago i barely remember not knowing, my memories are all fuzzy and mixed up. B, do you remember?

*shifting*

Bruce, considering: you were pretty excitable; especially once you realised i was looking into your parents’ murder. i'd been getting worried about you beforehand, because you were starting to act out quite a bit, and Alfred said you didn't seem to have any outlets to let out your anger, so it seemed like a positive opportunity to let you run around a bit.

Dick: yeah, i remember laughing a lot...

Bruce: kind of 'maniacally'.

Jason: *snorts*

Dick: that tracks.

Bruce, humming in interest: to be honest, i think between the two of you, Jaylad had the best reaction.

Jason, confused: i did?

Bruce, bemused: do you not remember what you said?

Jason: no?

Tim: this is something that B found funny? ok see now i'm interested.

Damian: i actually don't know much about how you were acquired by Father.

Jason, snorting: 'acquired'.

Dick, gleeful: fuckin' great story. all round favourite, by far. good memories.

Jason,dryly: you hated me back then.

Dick: times change, littlewing.

Tim: how did the whole reveal thing happen, then?

Bruce: well i took him home pretty much instantly after meeting him, because it was clear that he didn’t have anywhere else to stay, and i guess i… saw a little bit of myself in him.

Tim: aw,

Jason: eugh.

Dick, brightly: s’ a fun way to say you picked up a strange young boy off the street and dragged him to your weird creepy mansion.

Bruce, exasperated: why must you put a perverted spin on everything i do?

Dick: because it’s how i show my love~

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: surely part of the responsibility lies with Jason, for being confronted by an ominous strange man who offered to take him home, and deciding to just go with it.

Jason: oi- don’t you victim blame.

Damian: well why the hell did you agree?? you didn’t know him.

Jason: i dunno. i figured there were three options, one: he’s genuine and i’m about to live out Annie as the main character, two: he thought i was a child hooker and young-Jason was bouta get paid,

Bruce: jesus.

Jason: or three: he’s a child murderer, upon which- listen i was a bit of a delusional child. like, i thought i could steal Batman’s tires. i fully thought if he tried to kill me that i could just kick him in the nuts and then dart off with a great new story to tell people.

Dick, in wonder: you just did not have any sense of self preservation,

Jason: i had self preservation—i was just tired and he caught me on a bad day, so i didn’t give a shit.

Bruce, cutting in: well- whatever the reason, it was one of the best decisions i ever made, so i’m happy it turned out well.

Jason, amused: mhm, mhm, go on.

Bruce: well to get back on topic; i brought you back to the Batcave and we discussed you spending a few nights to see how you felt, and Alfred came down so i could discuss with him how to go about fostering you and you got to meet him, and then after he left you asked me ‘if that was my carer and if Batman was really just a mentally disabled man that kept dressing up and escaping home’.

Dick: *gleeful cackles*

Jason: alright that does- *wheeze* that does ring a bell,

Tim, casual: you are such an asshole, man.

Jason, very happy: i know.

Bruce: after that i had to explain what was above the Batcave, which obviously revealed my identity,

Jason: i was kinda- i mean, i don’t remember specifics, but i was quite calm about it all, wasn’t i? i don’t remember freaking out.

Bruce: you were, but to be fair you’d already gotten in a car with a stranger and let me take you to the cave under my house, so i think if you suddenly then regained the ability to have appropriate reactions to things, that would be concerning.

Jason: …point.

Bruce: do you remember what you said to me after i explained my identity?

Jason: no?

Bruce: …*amused sigh* you calmly listened while i explained, reacted with nothing, and then you just started echoing what i’d told you.

Jason: right…?

Bruce: you told me, ‘so Batman is Bruce Wayne.’ and i said yes,

Dick: mhm,

Bruce: and then you said, ‘and Nightwing is Dick Grayson’,

Jason: yeah.

Bruce: and then you cocked out a hip, pointed up at the entrance to the manor, and you said ‘and i’m guessing Alfred Pennyworth is the Riddler, because ‘he just has a British accent’ my ass, that old bitch was talking in code.’

Tim: *starts laughing*

Jason: …DID I?!?!

Dick: *wheeze* you- you don’t remember?

Jason: NO?!

Bruce, fond: i remember. i told Alfred after you went to bed that night. i told him that was the moment i knew you were gonna be my kid.

Tim: *wheeze* you know- you know Alfred always told me that Jason was the most difficult when he first came to the manor, and i always thought that was weird because everybody else says Dick was way worse. but now- *wheeze*

Damian: -now it makes sense. you made him an enemy after your first interaction.

Jason: I DON’T REMEMBER SAYING THIS?!?! -i mean- *snort* i’ll take credit, that’s fucking funny, but still. did i have that much trouble with his accent!?!

Bruce: i don’t think it was that you couldn’t understand him; Alfred just has a very traditional and olden-style British accent, and you apparently had been friends with a couple modern-British kids that lived in the alley, because you always used to argue with me after Alfred left the room that ‘they didn’t sound like that’.

*a beat*

Bruce: it really used to bug you for some reason.

Dick, cackling: NO I- NO I REMEMBER- I DO REMEMBER- fuck, Jay, do you not remember one of your conspiracy theories back then was that Alfred wasn’t actually British?! you thought he was fucking lying.

Jason: …holy shit i actually do.

Tim: *wheezes* oh my god,

Bruce: you accepted it eventually, but it took you a while to get there with him.

Dick, eager: i don’t wanna- i don’t wanna hear shit from people about me being difficult when i first got taken in; Jason showed up and instantly started fighting with the sixty year old about how his fucking voice sounds,

Jason, laughing incredulously: i mean- i mean it is a very stereotypical old-english accent?!?! i didn’t think those existed anymore.

Damian: and yet your favourite book genre is old english classics?

Bruce: i think that was what got him to drop it, actually. there was an evening where Alfred read a Jane Austen book out loud to him, and afterwards he came into my bedroom to shake me awake and tell me ‘ok i get it now’.

Dick: *loud wheeze*

Tim, struggling not to laugh: -because the matter was just that important, that he had to wake you- *cackles*

Jason, amused: listen- listen this was clearly a point of great stress for young Jason,

Damian: you weren’t stressed about being taken home by a strange man in a bat costume but the guy’s butler’s accent being too theatrical—that freaked you out?

Jason: i- *wheeze*

Bruce: you were a very fun child to have around, Jaylad. i’ll give you that.

Dick: does Alfred agree with that sentiment?

*a beat*

Bruce: he loves you now, that’s all that matters.

Tim and Dick: *lose it*

[bearcosmic]

Tim, walking into the Batcave and noticing everyone’s distraught appearance: What’s wrong?? Who died??

Stephanie: We have bad news Tim. You should sit down.

Tim: Oh shit did someone actually die?? Who was it this time?

Dick: Remember that civilian that we catch trailing after us every so often? The one who was involved in the Penguin incident awhile ago?

Tim: Oh. Clarissa O’Neal? What about her?

Damian: She was taken hostage by one of Black Masks henchmen. We didn’t make it in time to save her.

Tim: ? And that’s why you guys are so upset? C’mon guys lighten up, it’s movie night

Jason, getting visibly pissed: What the Fuck dude. A civilian we were close to fucking died because we didn’t make it in time

Dick: I know you didn’t like her much but show a bit of empathy Timmy. You usually take these situations seriously

Tim: I’ve been trying to kill her off for ages. Why would I be upset??

Steph: Tim you have 10 seconds to fix your attitude before i fix it for you

Jason: Since when do you take people’s lives so lightly? Dude you need to leave before I do something i regret.

Tim: I didn’t know you guys were so attached to her. I could revive her if you want, but honestly it’s more effort than it’s worth. And she was getting unwanted attention from the rogues so she had to go.

Damian: Revive?? Timothy what are you on about? And why are you saying that like you personally set up her demise?

Tim: Because I did? The planning for it took forever but I have to admit everything went a lot better than I was expecting.

Dick: TIM WHAT—

Jason: WHAT THE HELL—

Damian: MURDER? You?!

Steph, screaming over everyone else: WAIT SHUT UP

Steph: TIM NO YOU DID NOT

Steph: TIM DON’T TELL ME YOU DID IT AGAIN

Dick: Again?!? What are you talking about?!

Steph, laughing: Guys calm down. HE was Clarissa

Tim: You guys didn’t know??

Jason: HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE HISPANIC LOOKING WOMEN IN HER MID TWENTIES AND A CRIME ALLEY ACCENT WAS YOU

Dick: Tim i am THIS CLOSE to burning down your disguise room.

Damian: Timothy explain yourself

Tim: I had an undercover op that I needed a female field agent for a couple years ago to infiltrate penguins operations. Over time She became a bit too important and Black mask was threatening her. So I decided to kill her off. I got the info I needed already and it was becoming a bit of a drag keeping up appearances

Steph: You need to stop getting us emotionally invested in your aliases and then killing them off. This is the fourth time you did this to me. I’ll never forgive you for Alvin Draper, I still grieve him even though i know you’re alive!

Tim: YOU guys need to start recognizing me in disguise. Worlds greatest detectives MY ASS

Jason: DUDE YOU GAVE YOURSELF DOUBLE D’s WHY WOULD WE ASSUME THAT WAS YOU

Damian: My training in this area has been neglected. Timothy show me your disguise lair

Tim: Sure, after movie night. Let’s go

Dick: This is gonna bite us in the ass. Damian is already so good at impressions. We will never know if someone we are talking to is him or not

Tim: LMAO When i’m done with him? Yea everyone’s fucked

Steph: It’s gonna give Roger from American dad

Bruce from the corner: *Breathes a sigh of relief*

Bruce at the Batcomputer: *Sighs and moves Clarissa O’Neal from ‘Real Civilian Death’ folder to ‘Tim’s Fake Identities’ folder. Creates new folder labeled ‘Damian’s Fake Identities’

[brucedefender4eva]

Bruce gets hit with a spell, and it lowers his inhibitions and whatnot.

Now, it’s nothing crazy. He’s just speaking his mind and saying random stuff. It’s actually kind of cute how he compliments them in between his word vomit of wherever his mind trails off to.

“I need to finish signing those papers for the marketing team- Diana’s curls look really pretty today- I don’t remember if I ate breakfast- oh, it’s Barry, I love Barry, hi Barry- I need to finish working on those Arrow prototypes for Ollie and sneak them into his base- I have a headache, I wanna take a nap-”

It’s cute, the League likes it. Bruce doesn’t often speak his mind in ways that aren’t points for self-improvement on the field. But hearing that Bruce actually likes it when they crowd into his space and given him physical affection, or that he enjoys Arthur talking about his underwater escapades, or that J’onn is one of the very few people he feels safe with in his mind, and that yes, he was the one to steal Clark’s slice of apple pie and blame it on Hal with no trace of guilt in his voice

He's even initiating his own physical affection. He's always held back under the pretense of being professional and focusing on the world-ending catastrophes always happening, but with his inhibitions gone, he's cuddling into Oliver's side, allowing Hal to hang off his arm, pressing a kiss to Dinah's cheek, nuzzling under Clark's chin like a cat

Then, after a few hours of the League monopolizing Bruce's time and soaking up his affection, Dick walks in to take him home, and Bruce starts crying, really hard. He’s just starts babbling about how much he fucking loves his baby and how he's missed him so much, even though they had breakfast together that morning

With each kid that he sees, he starts crying even harder. They genuinely have to have only one or two of them with him at a time, or he’ll cry so hard that he will throw up. Bruce's face is all puffy, red, and splotchy, but he somehow makes it look cute

Even though Bruce has expressed how he sees them as family, Stephanie, Duke, Barbara, etc., are a little shocked and teary-eyed at how Bruce keeps reiterating how he loves them and points out little changes they've made that no one else has noticed. He points out how Steph has been getting better with her kicks, how Duke slightly changed his cornrow pattern, how Babs changed the cushion in her wheelchair, and how he's secretly been supplying her high-end cushions without her noticing, and so much more for everyone he knows

Jason gets the biggest reaction, which was to be expected, but all of the kids get intense crying sessions, where Bruce word vomits about how much he adores them and how cute they look at the moment

Damian gets the second biggest reaction, where Bruce just cries about how much he wishes he could've seen Damian grow up and how he's so proud of how Damian's grown into such a kind and compassionate little human being.

Damian is the only kid not actually allowed to leave Bruce alone because he will continuously ask about where he is until he sees him again. He's got Damian on his lap, cuddling him closely because he needs to be touching his baby, while the rest of the kids rotate into the room every so often, so Bruce doesn't get sound and start mumbling how he believes he's a horrible person and doesn't deserve any of them

When the spell wears off, Bruce locks himself in his room out of embarrassment for an entire day afterward. He won't take back anything of what he said, but he's so embarrassed that he had no control over his words and actions

Even when he comes out, his blush is still noticeable, and he gets all grumpy and grumbly when they start to tease him, but he's happy everyone knows how much he cares about them

[mihai-florescu]

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Except, critically, at bedtime.

[findersfeeders]

Ravings and urges get miscoded over time. Let’s say you’re thirsty, and you live in a strawberry field. Strawberries contain some water and a bunch of sugar so, over time, you may start to crave strawberries when you are thirsty because you get a reward and some relief in shorter time from the need starting than the trek to the stream. This can happen for every need: sleep, food, whatever.

Trevor Noah has a great tip, that when he craves ice cream at night he breaks it down into parts: I want something cold, I want something sweet. He drinks a glass of cold water then waits to see if he still has the ice cream craving. Usually he doesn’t.

So listening to your body isn’t “follow every urge” but “decompose the urge to discover the underlying need.”

If you always feel like getting cozy in bed you may be: cold, dehydrated, and/or malnourished (maybe a need for high calories that are bioaccessible…not processed).

If you do not feel tired at bedtime you may: need to eat dinner earlier because your body is still digesting, need to exercise or go outside more during the day, get the fuck off your screen for an hour so your brain can enter sleep mode.

Hope this helps someone.

P.S. notice i said nothing about neurodivergence. Not that it’s not a likelihood but the over-pathologization of behaviors prevents us from taking simple actions to improve our wellbeing. Also, these tips are pretty accessible and applicable to most brain variations.

[brightlotusmoon]

[sanguinifex]

You gotta read and watch some old books and films that aren’t 100% modern politically correct. I’m not saying you should agree with everything in them but you need to learn where genres came from to understand what those genres are doing today and where media deconstructing old tropes is coming from.

Also, more often than you might think, they’re not actually promoting bigotry so much as “didn’t consider all the implications of something” or just used words that were polite then but considered offensive now.

Kill the censor in your head.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

When we choose to avoid history because it's Problematic or Says Bad Things, we are choosing to divorce ourselves from understanding how we came from that time to this one, which makes it even more likely for the cycle to repeat, with no one but a few people with shelves of old books aware that it's happened before.

[swimmingblue]

and this shit's important. Media from the past tells us how people from the past acted and thought and behaved.

Plus, a lot of these media pieces were socially acceptable and/or progressive for their time. For example, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, while it contains a lot of words and ideas that are offensive now, was very progressive for its time. The book is a statement piece for how a young man who's grown up in a racist environment, with no words to explain himself other than racist and bigoted ones, decides that the whole system is shit and he's not going to follow those rules any more. So not reading or engaging with it because it uses the n-word a lot really misses the point.

[yardsards]

but i stay silly! *←said in the most world-weary voice you ever did hear*

[fizzlepop-frog]

“but I stay silly!”

[sensiblereblogifposts]

Reblog you stay silly

[weaselle]

on it boss

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 23 (masterpost here)

Steph, wandering into the kitchen: hey, Alfie, B says you're doing a grocery shop later today, can i add tampons to the list of stuff for the patrol supplies?

Alfred, glancing over from polishing silverware: of course, Miss Brown. perhaps you'd like to add it to the list on the fridge?

Steph: hm-? oh, yeah, thanks.

Tim, working on his laptop at the kitchen island: the fuck do you need tampons for patrol?

Steph: *squints at him* well i sure as fuck ain't doing it in a pad? do you know how unsafe i would feel?!

Tim, raising an eyebrow: why do you need anything? doesn't it all stop once you start swinging around?

*silence*

Alfred: *pauses, slowly turns his head to stare into the side of Tim's skull*

Steph, calmly: ...what?

Tim: it's like swimming right? you start jumping around and moving a lot and your body recognises that you don't want to bleed, so it stops the flow until you settle down.

Alfred:

Steph:

Steph, keeping her face impressively straight: ...yes. it is- *throat clear* that is why that happens, you're right, it does usually stop on patrol. but- *thinking intensely* i... got a scratch on my thigh... earlier... and it keeps bleeding, has all day. so i'm kinda worried that blood coming out of my thigh will confuse my body, because of- *bites lip* because of the close proximity. and i think it might decide that since my thigh is bleeding that it should just keep all the other flows going as well, so i'm just- i'm just making sure. to be careful.

Alfred: *slowly turns to stare at Steph instead*

Tim:

Tim: ok i guess that makes sense.

Steph, once Tim turns back to his laptop: *gleefully punches the air*

Tim, eyes narrowing: wait,

Steph, the face of innocence: hm?

Tim: how come your body can stop the period blood but not the thigh blood?

Steph: oh. well, that's just a 'me' issue, really. i've never been that good at the whole blood-bending thing.

Alfred: *closes eyes in resignation*

Tim: blood-bending- what?

Steph: blood-bending? the- you know all girls can control their blood flow, right? that's why Avatar only showed women water-benders learning how to blood-bend. because it was already a thing irl.

Tim:

Tim, dubious: ok now you're fucking with me.

Steph, narrowing eyes in confusion: no? dude, i'm being completely serious, did you- how did you not know about this? that's how we control our periods, man. all females have a slight innate ability to bend their own blood. it's just that the extent to which we can varies from person to person and day to day. i've always been kinda weak with it, so i guess that's my bad. Babs has always been pretty good at it, though.

Dick, walking in: 'sup, kiddies. Babs is good at what?

Steph: i was just telling Tim about how all women can blood-bend and that's how they control their periods. can you believe the health education program at his school failed so badly he didn't know?!?

Dick:

Dick:

Dick, turning to Tim: yeah Babs was always really good at it.

Tim: seriously?!!?

Dick, without a hint of humor: 100%. anyway i gotta go, see you guys later.

Steph, perking up: oh, can i get a ride actually? i need a new jacket.

Dick: sure.

Damian, wandering in as Dick and Steph leave: Pennyworth, Jason is requesting he be alerted when you go to the store so he can accompany you.

Alfred, blinking: ...oh- yes, that sounds lovely, i'll be sure to let him know.

Tim, curiously: hey Dami, did you know that women can blood-bend, and that's how they turn off their periods when they go swimming?

Damian:

Damian, plain: you're a fucking idiot.

[graytodd]

dickjay omegaverse au panels {nesting} more: collar; heat/rut; aftercare

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Bruce, high on pain meds, recovering after a broken back. A pigeon comes up to him outside and they vibe; he thinks it’s one of his Robins. The boys don’t tell him it’s not because they find it funny.

One day when Dick goes to check on him he finds Bruce bathing with the pigeon.

Dick: why is the pigeon in the tub.

Bruce, confused:

Bruce: because it wouldn’t fit in the sink.

The pigeon, just going with the flow: 🫪

-

Jason: why are you looking up if pigeons have rabies?

Dick: you don’t want to know.

Jason: huh. Well. You might want to search kissing disease because he just pecked it goodnight and tucked it in.

[papayafromtv]

i'm really not the kind of person who enjoys de-ageing plots normally, but i do think it would be very fun if we had a Red Hood identity reveal au where Damian as Robin gets de-aged to a baby while on patrol one night and he just. Will Not Stop Wailing. he screams like he's about to be murdered any time Batman or Nightwing or Red Robin or anyone even goes near him, even when they try to take off their suits in case it's the masks that are freaking him out. Babian is not fucking having it and he refuses to stop crying, so they bats are just stuck kinda panicking while trying to figure out what to do, because they don't want to scare the baby so bad that he hurts himself or something but also they need to get him home so they can try to fix things???

after a while Red Hood is nearby and, obviously, hearing a kid in such clear distress in the middle of the night means he checks it out, and upon landing nearby and asking what the fuck is going on, the bats have to watch as baby-Damian notices the shiny red of Hood's helmet and armour, instantly recognises him, and crawls over to him to sob and clench his tiny little fists at him in an ask for uppies. and Red Hood obviously takes one look at the baby at his feet, goes 'shit wait- Dami?' and bends down to cradle him like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Hood then has to explain that he knew Robin in the league and helped care from him when he was really little, which is probably why Red Hood is currently the only person in the city that baby Damian recognises/views as safe, and Bruce is left with the annoying realisation that the only way to both keep Damian safe and happy while they figure out how to reverse the de-aging and get his son back to normal, is if he brings the Red Hood back to the cave with them. a man who is supposed to be his enemy and whom none of them realised Damian even knew, because clearly that little shit has been lying about some stuff.

for lack of a better solution they end up cautiously bringing Hood back to the cave, which Jason easily goes along with because the second he clocked baby Damian his paternal/protector instincts took over and he doesn't currently care about anything but keeping Damian happy. so there's a period of time where the bats are working as hard as possible in the cave to figure out a way to get Damian back to normal while also warily keeping an eye on Hood to make sure he doesn't try snooping around/go up to the manor/start shit, and Jason is just. not even clocking that this is a worry for them. he's genuinely just zeroed in on Damian like an activated sleeper agent, humming lullabies and changing diapers and even letting the baby clumsily try to take off his helmet because he wants to see Jason's face. Jason lets him, because he still has the mask on underneath, but it's still the first time any of the bats have seen under the helmet and so Dick and Tim end up on the other side of the cave watching with dropped jaws as Jason lets Damian play in his helmet -which he's like. small enough to sit in.- like... is that a fucking teenager under there???

Bruce finally figures out how to get Damian back to normal and when they fix him he comes back really disorientated and not really understanding what the fuck's been going on, so when he blinks open his eyes all dizzy and trying to gain his bearings he clocks Jason's face as one of the first things he sees and without thinking he just goes 'wait- Jason? what the fuck happened, where am I?'

all the bats turn in unison to stare at Jason in question and Jason just freezes in place. like. 'god i wish you'd just stayed a baby.'

'you wish i'd stayed a fucking what-?'

[the-pen-pot]

This is your semi frequent reminder that there is no official AO3 app

All those are unofficial and available on the Google play store as of August 13th 2025. They mirror AO3's content and insert ads, for which the developer gets paid by page impression (that's every time the ad appears in the fic you're reading) not just clicks.

No money goes to AO3, nor to the fic writer. It goes to the person who did the bare minimum.

Many of these apps have poorly worded or non existent privacy policies, so they may also be mining as much data as possible and selling that on to unknown third parties.

Please, just use the official AO3 site and the browser.

[master-hentaifanfiction-2]

As a guy who does Cyber IT as a living PLEASE USE THE MAIN SITE ON THE BROWSER! Do not use unofficial apps. You are opening yourselves up to a multitude of cyber threats, especially when there is no privacy policy or agreements.

[punk-jaskier]

The site is mobile optimized, and you can download the fics as PDFs or epubs if you need to read offline like on a plane, there is no reason to use a third party app.

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Jason: *sniffs Dick*

Jason: are you wearing bath and body works warm vanilla sugar?

Dick:

Dick: how?

Dick: yes?

Dick: I heard spiders hate vanilla.

Tim: spiders hate basic bitches because basic bitches wear vanilla.

Bonus:

Bruce passing Jason’s room. Is assaulted by the smell of vanilla. Opens the door seeing ten scent diffusers, a bunch of wax melters and he’s spraying vanilla room spray as he stands on his bed.

Bruce: why.

Jason: spiders.

Bruce:

Bruce, quickly shutting the door: oh my god ones hanging from the ceiling above you!

Jason screams and falls with a clatter and thud.

Bruce, chuckling turns into Alfred.

Alfred:

Bruce: I’m sorry.