Up Close and Personal

26. my url was smolbiandreadytocry but turns out the rhyme was too good to be true.

[bruisepoking-archive]

does anyone know if it’s possible

[moonrver]

[bruisepoking-archive]

ok good I was getting worried

[escuerzoresucitado]

Pedestrian traffic lights

[faemorrigan]

im realizing very fast that people do not in fact know that sometimes things in stories suck on purpose and it sucking is the point

[faemorrigan]

"this story is misogynistic!!"

>looks inside

>about the pressures of societal misogyny and how its bad

[bgm05]

Can you say something about fat people that doesn’t involve the phrase “tummy squish” or any variants thereof. Quickly

[valkyrjuk]

I know a couple fat guys and they're good electricians

[bgm05]

[lustcannibalism]

they should invent a way for me to do tasks without the mind torture

[lustcannibalism]

there is a world out there I can’t comprehend

[typecasto]

behold, context

[toweringclam]

[marian-devotee]

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

[marian-devotee]

My little brother insisted if I was going to post about him, he wanted a cut of the "profits". When I explained to him that Tumblr isn't monetized, and is pretty pointless, he and my older brother pointed out that he'd still be bringing me "fame and notoriety" if the post got "big". So we agreed, if the post hit 10k notes, which seemed extremely farfetched and silly at the time, I'd take my little brother out for sushi (his favorite food) and let him eat as much as he wants.

I guess God wanted the little robot to enjoy some sushi 🍣 🥲

[thetruerarkher]

[raccoonmilf]

Chat, is it considered “abusive roommate behavior” to release a raccoon into the living space after you have asked your roommate for months to please clean up their messes (they do not pay any of the mortgage)

[raccoonmilf]

For context, when I used to live alone I would do something called “Princess Time” where I would do an initial sweep (to remove any significant hazards) and then I would release a raccoon into the living area and clean. This helped because I would 1) feel like a princess and 2) the raccoon would bring attention to things my ADHD brain had decided to ignore and I’d quickly clean that stuff up.

So like, if I’m expected to clean the house now, I will be doing it in the way that is most effective for me. And anything that has not been cleaned up after months of having sit-down talks and sending reminders and being promised things will change, might be deemed “trash” by the trash panda and thrown away.

[raccoonmilf]

We haven’t done since we moved into the house, because I didn’t want to cause my roommate or their cats destress or have their things destroyed by a raccoon

[raccoonmilf]

I am a raccoon biologist and one of the few people in the state allowed to take in captive bred raccoons that had been possessed illegally. The raccoon in the photos is Moonshine, but she is currently at the animal sanctuary where I work as I had been quarantining multiple new intakes from an abuse case. I still have two males (Rum Tum Tugger and Electra) left in my home enclosure as we are getting them neutered and then hopefully sending them to an AZA accredited zoo.

I wanna make things very clear that underneath all the whimsy, I am a trained professional.

[raccoonmilf]

Those vibes are likely because I’m the original creator of Dashcon and my personality has not changed since 2012 lmao

[fipindustries]

[thememedaddy]

[yourfaveisintersex]

YOU are an intersex ally!

[stereosonicanimatronic]

[martindykewood]

do you guys remember “kick his ass baby i got yo flower”

[onelonelystory]

this is like asking a medieval christian monk if he remembers the ten commandments like if not what have I been wasting my years learning

[fizzfags]

how it feels to wash your hair and brush your teeth and have clean clothes on

[doomdaysdecays-deactivated20251]

ooooo you wanna take a shower so bad

[vampireopossum]

[boymounter]

my dad bought a cnc and is going wild

[imviotrash]

"Kill them with kindness" Nah, fuck that, CRICKET BAT 🏏 🏏🏏🏏*SMACK* 🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏

[the-haiku-bot]

“Kill them with kindness”

Nah, fuck that, CRICKET BAT 🏏 🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*

🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏*SMACK*🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏🏏

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[bulbekuggeleh]

This opens up a lot of possibilities for what a haiku can be

[whosname]

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

[homeboygirl]

my evil chalice came in but its so fucking small. goddamnit. they're going to make fun of me at the wizards circle tonight

[copycatgirl36]

loser

[homeboygirl]

FUUUUUUUCK !!

[transmechanicus]

6 hour workday maximum i’m not kidding, if it can’t be done in that timeframe it doesn’t need doing.

[vmprblood]

this doesn't apply to jobs like childcare

[transmechanicus]

If i worked in childcare and my 6 hours were up i would start putting babies in ziploc bags and shipping them to Turkmenistan listed as endangered fruits and vegetables

[anarchistmemedistro]

[mckitterick]

hmmmm...

[daphnevermeer]

This Venn diagram comes across my dash very frequently and while I agree with the sentiment it just... it pisses me off so much. So many of these are nonsensical. What do you mean Lord of the Flies is a cross between The Handmaid's Tale, Brave New World, and 1984? That makes no sense whatsoever. The society in Gattaca is obsessed with knowledge and educational attainment, it is the opposite of Fahrenheit 451. Did whoever make this even read/watch any of these. I am this close to reading everything in the chart that I haven't yet (Animal Farm, Logan's Run, and A Clockwork Orange) just so I can be pissed off even more.

[daphnevermeer]

@mckitterick I did a thing

[daphnevermeer]

With thanks to helpful people over on Threads. Come on guys, lets fill those Pure Illegible system, Distraction+Illegible system, and Distraction+Surveillance/control cells.