If Our Bodies Are Not Our Own,We Can Never Be Free

Actual MedusaI

[ivviannaa]

mycentaurs are NOT groaning at hollanov's pda or telling them to get a room or feeling even a morsel of discomfort when they kiss in the locker room. they are enablers and romantics. one of the first things we see when troy comes out and says he's dating harris is bood telling him to give harris a good luck kiss, and i wholeheartedly believe they're all the same way with shane and ilya. they're at a barbecue and it's why do you need another chair?? just sit on his lap you're married?? if they aren't bickering at practice, everyone turns into amateur marriage counselors and forces them to kiss and make up. the rookies call them their mom and dad (with bood as a third parent and being daddy, of course). they could start describing their sex life in detail and at least 3/4 of the room would be nodding their head and asking follow up questions. that locker room is shameless and supportive

[outromoonyy]

"Are you family?"

"Yes," Remus gasped, slapping his hands on the hospital reception desk. "I'm his husband. Remus Lupin."

Behind him, James and Peter slammed to a halt.

"His what?" James choked out.

Remus didn't even look back, already taking the visitor pass from the nurse. "Thank you. Room four?"

"Down the hall to the left," she smiled.

Remus started walking fast. James jogged to catch up, grabbing his elbow. "Remus… husband? What the fuck? Did I miss something?"

"They only let spouses in before noon," Remus said, not breaking his stride. "We updated each other's emergency files last year."

"You… you committed medical fraud?"

"It's not fraud, it's…. Look, it just makes things easier."

"Right. Of course," Peter muttered to James. "Of fucking course.”

They found Sirius sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, his arm strapped into a sling. He lit up the second he saw them.

"Moony!" Sirius whined, reaching his good hand out. "They took my jacket. You have to track it down before they ruin it."

Remus immediately stepped right between Sirius's knees, automatically reaching out to adjust the strap of the sling so it stopped rubbing against Sirius's neck. "I'll find it. Are you in pain?"

"Just my pride," Sirius mumbled. He leaned his chin against Remus’s stomach and closed his eyes with a content sigh.

James stared at them. He looked at Remus, whose hands were currently busy gently checking the back of Sirius's head for bumps, and then at Sirius, who was nuzzling into Remus's jumper like a touch-starved kitten.

"So," James said loudly, clearing his throat. "Sirius. Remus just informed me that you two are legally wed."

"It’s easy, Prongs," Sirius answered without opening his eyes. "Spouses get a lot of privileges. It's a purely administrative marriage."

"Administrative," James repeated flatly.

"It’s a simple matter of logistics," Remus corrected simply, right as he leaned down and pressed a kiss into Sirius's hair.

Peter buried his face in his hands, looking disgusted by the sight. "They're going to adopt a child next week and claim it was just easier than getting a dog."

"I can't take it anymore," James announced to the ceiling. "I'm tying them to chairs until they crack or something. I am losing my mind."

[ikintomanycharacters]

oh yeah, very platonic. I also have my bsf as my wife on paperwork. Who doesnt? Oh right, ALMOST EVERYBODY ELSE REMUS

[wups-up]

Me and my color coded friendgroup are gonna beat your ass

[madamoisellemabry]

#myilya has a reputation for being openly a giant gossip about other players. and like, not that that’s not canon, but there’s some faction of girls who are lesbians into hockey who call it for what dude bros never would - rozanov isn’t chirping just on the ice, he’s openly mean girling with other players off the ice too. roz “wendy williams” rozanov becomes a trending thing a few times over the course of his career, with brainrot memes about “wendy williams was pregnant with roz here” to match.

a video by a fan of him and cliff marleau talking INSANE shit on the bench resurfaces after The Outing, and the internet starts up on its usual bullshit of how ilya is too fun for shane again. the usual “oh it’s so sad that roz doesn’t have someone to match his energy” and “hollander is so boring what does a guy who talks like this even see in that”.

anyway, svetlana (who cares less about shane’s hockey image and letting him remain untarnished than ilya does—she’s smart and also a minority so she feels less guilt about pushing shane on it) catches wind of this. one day, out of actually fucking nowhere it’s just some wednesday, she posts a video from the cottage. shes been invited to stay the week to babysit shane who is out on IR, and they’re watching a centaurs vs. guardians game.

the camera is shaky, and held low, and at first you can only hear shane in the background, but then he becomes visible at an odd angle. he’s got his injured ankle up on the couch, he’s wearing a really low cut tank top and a slutty pair of shorts. he is also mid rant about “— and if your entire team is still falling apart to this level TWO YEARS LATER just because you lost one good player and another caught a case, then you have to ask yourself what’s f****** wrong with the f****** coaches. i mean, mathewson is an ugly son of a b**** but i didn’t realize he was f****** stupid too. and we’re not even playing well, smith is just that much of a f****** sieve. maybe if he put half as much weight into moving towards the puck as he puts into pushing his wife around — you’d like her by the way-“

the video goes viral instantaneously. people cannot believe that captain hollander is this mean, but devoted hockey fans also keep quoting it, shocked because he’s RIGHT. some girl who’s been a roz fan since boston tweets, “roz will chirp to piss you off, but hollzy will kill your family because he finds you disrespectful to the sport.”

the only response anyone can get out of the rozanov-hollanders is ilya retweeting that post.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

a video is circulating in the hockey fans community showing ilya and shane during a preseason practice. shane is drinking water in the corner of the rink near where the players sit during the game when ilya comes up from behind and wraps his arms around him and opens his mouth and shane lifts the bottle and squirts water into ilya’s mouth and ilya drinks it and kisses shane on the cheek and skates away. of course the video gets a ton of views online because everyone is obsessed with the hockey husbands. and harris is always extremely happy when they manage to capture these candid moments between ilya and shane

[toasted-rivalry]

Ilya and Shane, but it’s just them seeing each other as a version of their husband no one else understands them seeing.

To Ilya, Shane is the funniest, sexiest, bitchiest and downright FREAKIEST person he knows. He tells everyone he knows this, yet for some reason no one seems to believe him. His husband is such an asshole, and Ilya loves him for it.

While to Shane, Ilya is his soft and most precious baby. A heart of gold and with feelings so wide and deep he is breathless at just how much he CARES. Sunshine itself. Shane laughs at how people describe his ‘scary, no-smiling Slavic nightmare of a husband.’ See Ilya! He DOES get sarcasm (he does not.)

[mutinsfromthemoon]

they’re hanging out with friends and bood’s wife cassie asks everyone what the weirdest place they’ve ever had sex was and people start answering “in a public restroom” and “we tried on a plane but it didn’t really work out” and “in a store fitting room” and a few other unconventional places, and then cassie notices that shane and ilya haven’t answered yet and goes “haven’t you guys ever done it in a weird place?” and ilya replies “no, we’re a model couple, just at home, missionary" and everyone laughs and troy says “no one believes that man” and ilya goes “okay, in boodram’s garage” and bood almost yells “WHAT?” and ilya and shane burst out laughing and shane playfully slaps him and says still laughing a little “he’s kidding, we’ve never had sex at any of our friends houses” and cassie presses “so where?” and ilya looks at shane who nods and says “the all stars weekend in the restroom by the pool” and harris gasps “how you guys managed?” and ilya and shane shrugs and cassie goes “wasn’t everyone looking for you two?” and ilya “you guys would be surprise with how others players couldn’t care less about us in those places” and troy asks “and in spain?” and ilya answers “oh yeah we did in a hammock in a yatch in the middle of the ocean. kinda weird but if we’re really pressed together and on our sides—" and shane interrupts “we’ve already given too many details for today” and everyone groans in frustration cus they never share their intimacy and people love to hear about hot couples having sex.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

one of the videos on the ottawa centaurs account with the most views is the one where a handful of the guys are playing football and kicking the ball to each other. one of them kicks it too hard and has to go after it and he runs out of frame, but the video keeps rolling and catches ilya pulling shane in by his waist and kissing him while shane giggles. when the player comes back, ilya backs away from shane and they both just resume playing like it’s the most natural thing in the world. and the fans in the comments absolutely lost their minds going “oh yeah the PR relationship looking a little too real” “they’re in love your honor” “omg look at shane smiling” “they love each other so much is disgusting (affectionately)” “can we talk about how lapointe is so bad at kicking ball? thank goodness he’s a hockey player” “please some of us are single” “i bet ilya sent the ball away with his mind just to have a break to kiss shane” and ilya had liked that last one.

[jewelcoatfish]

shane looooovesss shaping ilya’s curls into hearts. the problem is they are curls, so a tiny action could send all his work to waste at once, so both shane and ilya has to be very very still for this whole ordeal. usually shane would find curls that already sort of faces each other and guide them to the desired position, but sometimes the curls beat him and he has to find another one. my point is, one time shane makes a whole head of heart curls (this is an exaggeration, he probably made 5 sporadically) on ilya and he snaps a photo of it. it has ilya’s lovesick eyes looking at him too and so it becomes shane’s homescreen wallpaper (his lockscreen is them hoisting the cup together, thank you very much).

they have a fun interview with harris one day and harris asks to see their lock and home screen photos. it goes semi viral on hockey twt and one of the most popular rt was “roz’s ass down horrendously bad for his husband his hair is proclaiming love lmfao”. that was retweeted by bood, accidentally, after laughing and showing it to cassie.

[puckwanger]

— dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

[perlukafarinn]

I think there's a part of Shane that genuinely believes that when he finishes his last game, they will take him out back and shoot him like a sick dog.

[makomoriz]

no i don't. cheers

[aidashakur]

Even if you have to crawl, please make it back to yourself.

[bitchass97]

Okay yes we laugh and joke about Ilya never winning an argument in that marriage, but we have proof IN THE SHOW that Shane will not stay mad at him for ANYTHING.

Shane got ghosted for 6 months and after yelling at him for 20 seconds folded under NO PRESSURE and was giggling and cheesing when Ilya came near him. STAND UP

[ladyelspeth14]

after their relationship goes public, ilya finally sends shane all the selfies he's taken but could never send before—in the mirrors of road trip hotels, on his messy bed after shane leaves his house in ottawa, in shane's living room when shane wasn't paying attention, and so many more—and shane saves all of them into a new, special album on his phone and tries not to cry.

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

MAY YOU NEVER LOSE YOUR HYPERFIXATION

[snarky-magpie]

The only bigger Jegulus shipper than Minerva McGonagall is Sirius.

Everyone, including Regulus and James assumed he was going to flip once he found out about their relationship. And he does. From sheer joy. They expected him to fly into a rage. Meanwhile, he is jumping up and down when they can't keep it a secret any longer because they're getting married, so excited he and James will finally become brothers and Regulus will have a partner who will always treat him right.