It is fanfic time again! We're dipping back one last time to the Discovery well to tell tales of friendship, loss, and meta weirdness! Join us why not?
Timestamps: “Autobiographical Memory” by Jake: 2:54; “That’s Going to Have Escalated Quickly” by Chris: 31:45; “Good Luck, Have Fun, Resistance is Futile” by Caitlin: 48:26; “A Three-Lumma Host” by Ames: 1:05:04
Tales from the Holodeck: DIS Fanfic: Ames’s Teleplay
We recently wrapped watching Star Trek: Discovery for the podcast and devout listeners will know what that means: We're gonna attempt to write fanfic that's better than the show itself! "But you already wrote Discovery fanfic last year!" you may be chiding, but now we're in the 32nd century and that's practically a whole new show. Let's take a crack at it!
Finally, Ames is up to her old tricks and writing something way longer than necessary in order to fill in some character work that the show really should have included on its own! So keep it in your pouch as you read on below or listen to the staged reading of it in this week’s podcast episode (jump to 1:05:04 for that!). Enjoy it like a Cardassian misses cake!
GRAY's quarters on Trill. GRAY is in a holocommunication with ADIRA, who appears as a holo in their quarters on the Discovery, so they do that tiny glitch every so often to depict they're not physically in the space. The scene will switch perspectives occasionally. GRAY is changing from his guardian robes to some of his more swishy attire. ADIRA is painting something we can't see on an easel.
GRAY: Glad to see you painting again.
ADIRA: It's been hard to feel creative with everything going on. I finally decided to just start something.
GRAY: What's it of?
ADIRA: We'll find out when it shows itself to me. (Frowns at the canvas.) Might take a while.
GRAY: You should take a break and visit me on Trill for inspiration!
ADIRA: It is a very inspiring planet, but I don't think that'll work.
GRAY: Oh come on! Live a little! You deserve it!
ADIRA: Ugh! We're still putting things back together after everything with the Breen. And besides, I don't want to get in the way of your training. How is that going, by the way?
GRAY: So good!
ADIRA: That's awesome!
GRAY: I love it, but… One unusual thing. Bix is still here.
ADIRA: The symbiont? I thought they'd passed.
GRAY: That was indeed the expectation.
ADIRA: They must be very old.
GRAY; They are. And — I want to get your reaction to this — it makes me wonder if there's a reason why they're still here? The path to the Progenitors' tech was completed and they should be at peace. But they persist.
ADIRA: Maybe they're just enjoying the cushy retired life.
GRAY: I don't know. We've been — communicating isn't the right word. More just communing.
ADIRA: That sounds really nice.
GRAY: It's different. The other symbionts don't react this way around me, but Bix seems almost attracted to me.
ADIRA: Can't blame them. You're an attractive guy.
GRAY: (Cutely.) Knock it off. Anyway, I talked about it with Guardian Xi and we think Bix may be in a place where they want to be joined again.
ADIRA: With you?
GRAY: With me.
ADIRA: At their age?!
GRAY: Well, Bix is a very special case.
ADIRA: How can you even tell that's what they want? It's not like they can just talk to you.
GRAY; It's more a feeling. I don't know how to explain it. It's like when Booker knows when Grudge wants a treat and when she wants a belly rub.
ADIRA: Booker's an empath, Gray.
GRAY: Right…
ADIRA: How do you feel about it?
GRAY: Um. First, terrified. Bix is practically a celebrity around here and that pressure is daunting, to say the least. Not to mention their centuries of experiences would be a lot to acclimate to. But second, invigorated? Guardian Xi tells me this would be the only instance of a host being able to join with a second symbiont, you know, because of the extenuating circumstances.
ADIRA: Your golem body does make you a very special case as well.
GRAY: It would be an incredibly unique opportunity.
ADIRA: Fuck "opportunity"! Gray, this is your life. It's important to factor in what you want. Is this what you want?
GRAY pauses for a long time while he stares in a mirror.
GRAY: You know, I don't remember dying. Which is possibly a mercy, if I'm being honest. I am so sorry that you have to remember any of that. And I originally thought when I got this body that I have this second chance to chase my dreams. Journey to Trill. Start the training to become a Guardian. All the things I'd always aspired to. But now I wonder is that enough? This second chance, well, it's squandered if I don't learn to take these opportunities, isn't it?
ADIRA: Have you ever talked to Dr. Culber about this?
GRAY: (Sighs.) I've tried. He's so close to the issue since…
ADIRA: Oh right, he also died and got a new body! Is that awkward or perfect, actually?
GRAY: I think he's still coming to terms with that too, and I don't think he and I are at the stage where we can, say, start a support group about it.
ADIRA: Maybe with time? You can ask Book to join too.
GRAY gives a small laugh.
ADIRA: So, you're really considering this.
GRAY: I am.
ADIRA: (Sudden resolve.) What do you want from me? I know I can't talk you into or out of anything. (Snorts.) I never could. And there's only so much I can do from Discovery.
GRAY: I think I just need exactly what you're doing right now. Talking things out. Understanding. Being there for me.
ADIRA: Well, I can always do that.
GRAY: I know you can. (Brighter.) Now show me how you're doing with that painting.
ADIRA turns the painting around. TBD what the hell it's of.
ADIRA: Well you can see I screwed up this side when you dropped that news on me! Now I have to either fix it or start over!
GRAY: Oh that's fixable! And you're clever; you'll find a way.
ADIRA: I might have to cover it with a shrub.
The two laugh together. ADIRA's combadge chirps.
ADIRA: Oh, I've got to go. Keep me informed about Bix!
GRAY: You'll be the first to know anything.
ADIRA: I'm holding you to that. Talk to you later!
GRAY: Bye.
The holocommunication ends, ADIRA disappears, and GRAY stands in his quarters staring at his own face in the mirror as the scene fades.
SCENE 2
A medical bay on Trill. GRAY is in a biobed, convalescing in one of those future hospital gowns after the joining procedure. He looks tired but contented.
GRAY: Computer, send a holo invite to Adira on the USS Discovery.
The computer acknowledges this and after a moment, ADIRA appears as a holo by his bedside.
ADIRA: Hey. Looking good. Very dapper.
GRAY: (Faint smile.) Thanks.
ADIRA: How are you feeling?
GRAY: Still exhausted.
ADIRA: And Bix?
GRAY: Also exhausted. Guardian Xi has been very closely monitoring the procedure even more than he usually does, but he says everything is looking copacetic.
ADIRA: Obviously it's a big change, even compared to joining with Tal.
GRAY: It's funny. I remember joining with Tal, and the unusual feeling of it, but the memories have faded so much. It's like those memories aren't mine, which I suppose they never were.
ADIRA: Well, as the person currently hosting Tal, I can say it can still feel like that to me too. Isn't that kind of true for all joinings?
GRAY: Right, but… It's more like they're all anecdotes I heard second-hand. Or third-hand. I know there was a time that I embodied moments from Tal's life, but even before today they were getting so fuzzy.
ADIRA: Do you miss them?
GRAY: I don't know. I hadn't thought about them until now, and now with Bix…
ADIRA: Since Bix has had so many more lifetimes than Tal, it might be a good thing you don't remember Tal. Admiral Senna alone sometimes feels like he's taking up so much of my brain capacity.
GRAY: That's the thing. The experiences of all the previous Bix hosts, they all leave me with just this sense of, I don't know, longing? Don't get me wrong, they largely all had full and varied lives, but what Jinaal put them through…
ADIRA: They all had to wait around for someone to find the clue to the Progenitors' tech.
GRAY: They could never leave Trill. Even when they wanted to.
ADIRA: That must've been so hard.
GRAY: It’s like Jinaal and the other architects kept all of his descendants prisoner just in case someone on the trail of the Progenitor tech happened along, and it means none of them ever got to see the universe. No, that's an unfair judgment. Jinaal didn't know it would take so long.
ADIRA: Still, he must've realized he was dumping this on the shoulders of future hosts.
GRAY: So many of them. All waiting. Waiting to live. And then the Burn happened…
ADIRA: Maybe this is why Bix sought you out. Because now you have a chance to transcend that duty they inherited.
GRAY: Where do I even start?
ADIRA: You know what I think? Well, A of all, you finish recuperating. No use rushing into anything. And B of all, I think you need a vacation!
GRAY: (Smiles.) A vacation could be nice.
ADIRA: Risa?
GRAY: Oh, that'd be sensory overload. Let's start with something small.
ADIRA: Hmm…
GRAY: (It comes to him.) Porathia.
ADIRA: Where?
GRAY: That ocean planet where the Karma Barge is located.
ADIRA: Oh. Yeah okay. What made you think of that?
GRAY: I'm not quite sure. Maybe I heard someone talking about it and it just feels appropriate.
ADIRA: Michael and Owo went there during the DMA incident.
GRAY: Yeah, maybe that was it.
ADIRA: I'm really excited for you. I wish I could come with you…
GRAY: Why don't you?
ADIRA: (Obviously covering.) Things on Discovery are so busy right now… I couldn't get away.
GRAY: Oh. That's okay. I think this is something that might be good to experience on my own.
ADIRA: On your own with all the Bixes in your head.
GRAY: Them too. It's getting pretty packed in here.
ADIRA: A six-lumma symbiont in a three-lumma host.
GRAY: I didn't know you'd heard that one.
ADIRA: Why wouldn't I? It's an old Trill saying, isn't it?
GRAY: Yeah, it is, but it's "a four-lumma host" the way I've heard it.
ADIRA: Hm. Well maybe Senna misremembered it. Sometimes I can't tell.
GRAY: That's okay. You're new to Trill culture after all.
ADIRA: (Conflicted.) I guess.
Behind GRAY, a door opens.
GRAY: Guardian Xi's here. We're going to run some more tests.
ADIRA: Okay. Take it easy, you hear!
GRAY: They wouldn't let me do otherwise.
ADIRA's holo disappears as GRAY looks up to Guardian Xi. Scene fades.
SCENE 3
An unusual location on the Karma Barge on Porathia. It's not the inside of the casino, but somewhere fabricated: a simulation of a game that GRAY is playing that looks like a cross between an overdesigned television trivia game show and American Ninja Warrior, very brightly colored to the point of obnoxiousness. GRAY is wearing something traditionally cool.
GRAY taps his combadge.
GRAY: Let's see if this works. Can you open a holo with Adira Tal on the USS Discovery?
ADIRA appears inexplicably in front of him.
GRAY: Oh good, I wasn't sure if the holo would function in here!
ADIRA: (They walk around the space, taking in the spectacle of it.)
Where are you? Is this the Karma Barge?
GRAY: Yes and no. You're going to get a kick out of this!
ADIRA: What is it?
GRAY: I'm in a board game!
ADIRA: Oh that's so cool! What's it called?
GRAY: Chula. The game master was a Wadi woman who invited me to play and I appeared here.
ADIRA: It looks like an escape room.
GRAY: That's about right. I'm only a couple shaps in. Wanna play with me?
ADIRA: Obviously!
Behind them, a girl is playing hopscotch and singing "Allamaraine, count to four. Allamaraine, then three more…"
ADIRA: What's that?
GRAY: That was the previous shap. I already solved that puzzle. It was pretty easy actually, but I suspect they'll get harder. I think we go this way?
ADIRA: Let's go!
They move through the space into another puzzle. The scene fades.
Some time has passed and ADIRA and GRAY are on another shap in the game. GRAY is constructing something similar to the statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey while ADIRA encourages him, since they're not corporeal and can't interact with the environment.
ADIRA: No, turn the head around and press down!
GRAY: Like this?
The statue completes with a little celebratory sound effect and a glowing golden door appears to open the next shap.
ADIRA: Good job!
GRAY: These are all still really easy. Have you ever played Captain Moraxia's Enchanted Circus Menagerie before?
ADIRA: I don't think so.
GRAY: It's a lot like this. I can show you next time you're on Trill.
ADIRA: (Grumbling.) Next time I'm on Trill…
GRAY: What's going on with you?
ADIRA: You're asking about me going to Trill an awful lot and…
GRAY: What?
ADIRA: I don't know if I can do it.
GRAY: What's wrong with going to Trill? I live on Trill.
ADIRA: I know, it's just… This is going to sound irrational.
GRAY: (Jokingly.) You, irrational? Never.
ADIRA: I don't feel particularly comfortable on Trill.
GRAY: They're not going to try to murder you again. Things are changing!
ADIRA: It's more than that. I mean, I'm the only human host.
GRAY: And that's amazing!
ADIRA: It is! Don't get me wrong, it is! But I don't know those people. They treat me like some kind of outsider even though I have the Tal symbiont.
GRAY: I'm sure if you spend more time…
ADIRA: It's exhausting, Gray! I try to keep my focus on work and then I'll have some special Trill insight from Senna or Madela or Kasha and it's so normal that it actually catches me by surprise that I don't actually understand the context of it. It's overwhelming sometimes. I don't know how you do it.
GRAY: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
ADIRA: Yeah. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It sounds so selfish of me.
GRAY: It doesn't.
ADIRA: Sure.
GRAY: No, it really doesn't. It's hard! It's really hard hosting a symbiont. Joinable Trills train for years and it's still hard, and you never got any of that training at all! But you're not alone, Adira.
ADIRA: Except everyone else is already at least a Trill and understands the scenario more.
GRAY: That makes sense. I want to help you in any way I can. If it means you don't want to visit Trill for now, or forever, I get it, but if you ever do, I'll be there for you.
ADIRA: Okay.
GRAY: Okay?
ADIRA: I didn't say I'd never want to go to Trill. Let's give it some time.
GRAY: That sounds like a plan.
ADIRA: I think this is our next stop?
The space they enter is largely open, with a perimeter of columns and no roof. At the center is a body of water the size of a swimming pool, tranquil and still. HAZ MAZARO sits in the center of it, the water up to his chest, looking mildly stressed out.
ADIRA: Hello there!
HAZ MAZARO: (Stands, water dripping off his clothes.) Reinforcements! The yellow-eyed luck dragon is smiling on me today! Perhaps you can help me out of here.
ADIRA: Are you stuck here?
GRAY: Wait, you're not part of the puzzle?
HAZ MAZARO: (Laughs.) My friend, I'm as real as a velocicat's fleas! Haz Mazaro.
He wades to the side of the pond to shake their hands.
ADIRA: (Mostly to GRAY.) The proprietor of the Karma Barge.
GRAY: What are you doing playing Chula?
HAZ MAZARO: Playtesting it for the Wadi. Think it will be a good expansion for the casino?
GRAY: Not sure yet.
ADIRA: It's all really easy so far.
GRAY: Kinda depends on how it ends.
HAZ MAZARO: My thoughts exactly. But this puzzle has me thirsty in the Malalan Rainforest! I've been in here for probably hours now and I haven't found a way to grind through it.
ADIRA: Why don’t you just quit?
HAZ MAZARO: (Incredulous.) Are you checkered? Quitters meet the sky lion headfirst.
ADIRA: Right. Obviously.
GRAY: I've got a knack for puzzles. And my past hosts have a lot of experience at them.
ADIRA: To say the least.
HAZ MAZARO: Of course! You're Trill! Yes, that could come in handy.
ADIRA: What have you figured out so far?
HAZ MAZARO: Come here.
HAZ moves back toward the center of the pond. GRAY and ADIRA look at each other, shrug, and step into the pond as well, following HAZ to the center. ADIRA doesn't appear to get wet since they're not actually there. HAZ points straight down.
HAZ MAZARO: (Reading.) "Gaze into the water and the answer you'll see."
We can see that that is written into a plaque at their feet beneath the water.
ADIRA: "Gaze into the—"
GRAY: (Starts laughing.) Oh that's easy. It's your reflection.
HAZ MAZARO: Concord! I thought the same thing. Classic riddle. Like "I belong to you, but everyone else uses me more than you do."
GRAY: Your name.
ADIRA: That's kid stuff.
GRAY: The puzzles so far really aren't that hard, so maybe…
GRAY looks up into the sky and announces:
GRAY: Gray Tal!
Nothing happens.
HAZ MAZARO: Tried that already. (Similarly:) Haz Mazaro!
Nothing happens.
HAZ MAZARO: See? There's got to be something else around here somewhere…
HAZ starts pawing at the water.
ADIRA: Gray… that's not your name anymore.
GRAY: (Facepalms.) What a fool I am. How could I forget? (Announcing:) Gray Bix!
A glowing exit door appears in front of GRAY that HAZ and ADIRA cannot see.
GRAY: (Celebration!) See! Child's play!
HAZ MAZARO: Bix? You're Bix?
GRAY: Yes?
ADIRA: It's new.
GRAY: Do I know you?
HAZ MAZARO: I have a strange feeling you do, but I don't know the name you would know me by.
GRAY: What do you mean?
HAZ MAZARO: It's very complicated.
GRAY: Are you… are you joined to a Trill symbiont?
HAZ MAZARO: Oh, I suppose it's not that complicated after all.
ADIRA: (Disbelief.) No way…
HAZ MAZARO: But I don't have their memories. It's all fog in the night of the swamp moon Elb.
GRAY: Adira, this sounds exactly like what you went through with Tal.
HAZ MAZARO: You also host a symbiont?
ADIRA: I do.
HAZ MAZARO: But you're…
ADIRA: Human. And you're…
HAZ MAZARO: My new friend, believe me, it'd take too long to list my genealogy. "Not Trill" is what you're getting at.
ADIRA: But this is amazing! I thought I was the only non-Trill with a symbiont.
HAZ MAZARO: Think again, spriteling, but that's not getting me any closer to solving this riddle.
ADIRA: The Wadi do have that quit feature…
HAZ MAZARO: Quitters meet the —
ADIRA: Sky lion headfirst. Yes, I remember.
GRAY: So you don't know the name of the symbiont?
HAZ MAZARO: I woke up one day with a massive headache and a porkloin in my belly. I thought I'd just been drinking too much bloodwine but a medical scan found them in there.
GRAY: I can't perform a zhiantara without someone to embody a past host, but…
ADIRA: This space does look an awful lot like the Caves of Mak'ala.
GRAY: I don't have a Mynh'ta Orb, but I think I could guide you to commune with the symbiont if you'll just trust me.
HAZ MAZARO: (Shrugs.) What harm could it do?
ADIRA: You don't want to know the answer to that.
GRAY: Lay back in the water.
HAZ floats on his back in the pool while GRAY performs the ritual that I won't bother describing for the sake of time.
HAZ MAZARO: Hey, this is pretty nice. How will I know when —
Suddenly, HAZ's eyes turn a milky white and he stares silently and blankly outward.
ADIRA: Wow, it's just as unsettling watching this procedure from this side as it was from there.
GRAY: There's only so much I can do now other than monitor him. He's the one who has to make it to the other side.
ADIRA: The Wadi will be disappointed that this is a better test than all their… levels?
GRAY: Shaps.
ADIRA: All their shaps so far.
HAZ awakens startlingly, splashing around until he rockets himself upright and stands in the shallow pond. He shouts into the sky:
HAZ MAZARO: Haz Nihls!
The golden door appears for HAZ as well, though ADIRA still doesn't see it since they're not actually present. HAZ is overwhelmed with conflicting emotions that range from glee to agony, sometimes all at once.
HAZ MAZARO: I remember now! It's as clear as Yazar juice fresh from the vine. Halari Nihls was my lover, my friend. They were Trill and beautiful and the spunkiest Tonga player you ever saw. They were murdered by mobsters trying to cheat the game. I — I couldn't do anything, but I could save the symbiont. I had no idea non-Trill weren't supposed to be joined.
ADIRA: No, they're usually not, but there must be something about us that made the symbionts accept us as hosts. Your love for Halari perhaps.
HAZ MAZARO: I'd wanted to go to Trill to find out more, but I couldn't justify the risk during the Burn. If only I'd known.
ADIRA: Well, the council would probably have either turned you away or tried to kill you anyway, so don't feel too bad.
HAZ MAZARO: And after, I made so many excuses not to go. What a Linus I can be!
ADIRA: I think you should go! They're much nicer now.
HAZ MAZARO: Yes. Yes, I definitely will!
GRAY has been standing looking shocked this whole time.
GRAY: Nihls? (Pause) You're Nihls?
HAZ MAZARO: Bix! My poor Bix. Look at you! You've finally left Trill.
GRAY: I wish… I mean, Leraxis Bix wishes she could have gone with you all those years ago.
HAZ MAZARO: You had your mission, I seem to remember.
GRAY: I did, but that didn't made it any easier.
HAZ MAZARO: Sorry, but this is a lot to take in quickly. And soberly.
GRAY: Take your time. I'm just very glad I found you… helped you.
HAZ MAZARO: It's feeling a bit crowded in the old bone-bread box. I feel like a six-lumma symbiont in a three-lumma host.
ADIRA: Ha! So it was a three-lumma host!
GRAY: I stand corrected.
HAZ MAZARO: Let's finish this game and then drinks are on me. We have a journey to Trill to plan.
GRAY: Adira, I'll understand if you don't want to join us.
HAZ MAZARO: You must join us! We are twin norbusses hunting the same flapfly, as the saying goes, you and I!
ADIRA: I'll toast you from the Discovery… and then maybe I'll think about it.
GRAY: I'd like that.
HAZ MAZARO: Good hunting, norbus! Now Bix, we have a lot of catching up to do!
HAZ takes GRAY's hand as they walk through the golden doorway together. After they watch the two old/new friends exit, ADIRA disconnects the call and their holo vanishes. The scene fades.
SCENE 4
CULBER is in his quarters on Discovery, relaxing on a couch with a cocktail and one of those glasses of popcorn they use on the ship for some reason.
CULBER: Zora, send a holo invite to Trill, please. See if Gray Bix is available to chat.
Zora complies and after a moment, GRAY, dressed in another of his swish outfits, appears in front of CULBER.
GRAY: Dr. Culber! So nice to see you!
CULBER: Hello, Gray. I'm not interrupting you, am I?
GRAY: Not at all! I'm still technically on vacation. Vacation just happened to bring me back here, it turns out.
CULBER: So Adira told me! How was Portathia? I hear you met an old friend?
GRAY: I did, and it was lovely! Haz and I have pretty much already mastered all of Chula and the Wadi are rushing to create more difficult levels for us!
CULBER: I'll have to try it sometime! And how is everything with the Bix symbiont?
GRAY: Great. Very great.
CULBER: I'm so happy for you. I must admit that I'm pleased to know that Bix is in such good hands. I do have a bit of a soft spot for that symbiont.
GRAY: I'm aware. I think Jinaal really enjoyed his stay in your body. Is that weird to say? That's weird to say.
CULBER: (Laughing.) No, that's alright! He was a very polite house guest.
GRAY: He might have liked puzzles and games even more than I already did.
CULBER: I believe it. He was a bit of a character, even if he seemed a little unconventional.
GRAY: Having to wait on Trill for generations did make for a bit of a running theme of trauma with the other hosts.
CULBER: Hm, I hadn't thought of that.
GRAY: And that's the thing I'm still kind of grappling with. I want to do right by the symbiont, but I feel like it's not enough.
CULBER: How so?
GRAY: It's like… I thought I was just giving Bix another chance at life now that the Progenitor tech clue has been solved, but now I feel like everything still needs to be different.
CULBER: Different can be okay.
GRAY
I know. But… (Frustrated.) I don't know how to put it into words.
CULBER: That's alright. I think I understand.
CULBER hesitates but decides he can talk about this with GRAY.
CULBER: Gray, I'm not sure you're aware but I almost stayed behind when Discovery came to the future. Do you know why I changed my mind?
GRAY: I guess I assumed it was to keep Commander Stamets out of trouble.
CULBER: (Chortles.) Well, partly, that's true. Paul definitely would have done copious stupid things on his own, but that's not entirely the reason. I was in a very vulnerable and terrifying place after I returned from the mycelial network. I was constantly asking myself did I deserve to come back? Could I just pick up where I left off? What was this big scary gift I never asked for and what did it mean? I can assume you've experienced these thoughts.
GRAY: Well yeah. Was it that obvious?
CULBER: For me at the time, everything was in such a crisis that I felt I couldn't make decisions because I wasn't thinking clearly. Was I making it for me? Was I making it for the man I used to be, and who was I to make decisions for him?
GRAY: Because you didn't feel like you were that person anymore.
CULBER: That's right. But then I had this thought: 'Well, regardless of who I was before, what do I want now?' And I saw the Discovery about to leave, with my husband whom I knew I would always love on it, and it was going somewhere that I thought I could make mine. That we could make ours, even though I felt like a stranger to myself. (Beat.) And I'll let you in on a little secret. I still feel like that. All the time. But I try not to let it stop me from taking advantage of this life. And sometimes I even succeed.
GRAY: Well from here it looks like you're making the best of the life you were given. You're happy. You have love, you have family and friends, you get to use your skills as a doctor and therapist to enrich yourself.
CULBER: It's nice to know it looks like that, but living it is still hard. There was a time that I continuously bit off more than I could chew because I wanted to feel like I deserved it. It takes a lot of acceptance to let yourself feel validated in smaller victories. You don't have to fix the universe.
GRAY: I don't know if I think I need to fix the universe, per se. I joined with Bix because I wanted to be a help, and now I have the turbulence of tens of hosts in the back of my head who didn't have the freedom that I have to just… be. How do I honor them?
CULBER: I think you honor them by doing whatever you — you — find the most meaningful.
GRAY: Finding Nihls again, the symbiont in Haz Mazaro, and reconnecting them with the Trill Council has got me thinking…
CULBER: Yes?
GRAY: There are tons of other symbionts out there that disconnected from Trill during the Burn. I think I'd like to find them?
CULBER: I couldn't imagine a more perfect mission for you.
GRAY: But it would mean stopping my training as a Guardian. You don't think that's cowardly?
CULBER: Cowardly? Quite the opposite — finding your own path is the bravest thing you could do. I think Guardian Xi would agree to that.
GRAY: I don't want him to think I'd just leave everyone.
CULBER: You've already brought two hosts home to your people. Adira and Haz. And they'd certainly want to help you too, wouldn't they?
GRAY: They would. In fact – (Checking over his shoulder.) I think they're back from touring the caves.
ADIRA and HAZ enter and appear as holograms to CULBER, chattering to each other.
HAZ MAZARO: I think that guardian has the Viquof's dart for me. You didn't think so?
ADIRA: Can't say I noticed. Oh, hey Hugh!
HAZ MAZARO: You'd have to be roosted in the day owl's barn to not notice!
GRAY: What's this?
ADIRA: Haz think Guardian Xi was hitting on him.
GRAY: (Shrugs.) It's possible. He's into opera if you want to ask him out.
CULBER: Opera can be very romantic.
HAZ MAZARO: I think I know how to romance someone, thank you very much. I've been courting since the first moon of Bathor had a ring.
GRAY: Adira, can I talk to you about something?
ADIRA: Of course.
HAZ MAZARO: Is that my cue to scurry like a spider cow? Very well. I'll see you both at dinner.
ADIRA: Bye, Haz.
GRAY: See you then.
HAZ exits.
ADIRA: Were you and Hugh having a nice chat?
GRAY and CULBER glance at each other and smile.
GRAY: We were. And I think I know where I want to go for my next trip.
ADIRA; Next trip? You just got home.
GRAY: About that. I don't think Trill needs to be home.
ADIRA: Come again?
GRAY: I think I'd like to join Discovery as its Trill ambassador.
ADIRA: Really?!
CULBER: Discovery would be lucky to have you, Gray. I can talk to Captain Burnham today if you'd like.
GRAY: Thanks, Dr. Culber.
ADIRA: Gray, this is so sudden. I thought you were happy on Trill. What changed?
GRAY: I changed, Adira. I keep finding myself in new ways in places I didn't expect to have to look.
ADIRA: But you're still you. Right? That's what you said when you first got the Tal symbiont. That you'd always still be you.
GRAY: And I am. But there's so much more. I have this journey I want to go on, and I want you to be there, because you've always been there for me. You've supported me. You allowed me to live. Let's do it! Let's live!
GRAY grabs ADIRA and kisses them. CULBER stops eating midpopcorn.
CULBER: (Cutely.) I don't have to be here for this.
GRAY: Sorry! Talk to Burnham for me!
CULBER: I will!
GRAY: (To Adira.) There's so much I need to tell you!
ADIRA: Well don't jab a brussel fly.
GRAY: What?
ADIRA: Sorry, picked that up from Haz. I might not be using it right?
CULBER: Zora, end communication.
As they laugh together, GRAY and ADIRA's holos disappear and CULBER is again alone in his quarters.
CULBER: The kids are gonna be alright, Zora. They're gonna be alright.
CULBER takes another handful of popcorn from his glass and eats it as the scene fades.
End of thing!
—
And that closes the book on Discovery, even if it's not a canonical book. You can also read up on the rest of the fanfic from this installation from Jake, Chris, and Caitlin; stomach Star Trek: Picard with us as we start our watchthrough next week on SoundCloud (or your favorite podcatcher); follow us on Facebook and Bluesky; and don't jab a brussel fly!
Tales from the Holodeck: DIS Fanfic: Caitlin’s Story
We recently wrapped watching Star Trek: Discovery for the podcast and devout listeners will know what that means: We're gonna attempt to write fanfic that's better than the show itself! "But you already wrote Discovery fanfic last year!" you may be chiding, but now we're in the 32nd century and that's practically a whole new show. Let's take a crack at it!
Next up is Caitlin, who clearly just recently watched Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die and it's fresh in her head. So if you haven't seen that movie yet (and you should! Sam Rockwell is a DELIGHT in it!), you might not have any idea what's going on. So prepare to join the party as you read on below or listen to the reading of it in this week’s podcast episode (jump to 48:26 for that!). Consider this a sorta spoiler warning, I guess.
He stepped into the mess hall, his filthy, cobbled-together rags and Macguyvered tech way out of place on the pristine, shiny Discovery, and among its spotless, uniformed crew.
“Somewhere in this mess hall is the correct combination of people who are gonna join me in this revolution, and save humanity. I am going to find that right group, and we are gonna succeed. This is my 117th time in this mess hall. Doing this exact speech. Can you imagine that?”
He was interrupted by the sound of beaming, followed by a voice he recognized all too well after 116 visits to the Discovery:
“Hey, this IS the mess -”
As soon as Linus appeared, the Man From the Future turned as if on a swivel and shot him with a beam that caused him to disintegrate on the spot. “NOT THIS TIME LINUS, YOU’VE FUCKED THIS UP FOR ALL OF US ENOUGH TIMES!” His chest heaved as he stared around the mess hall, his eyes lit with a mixture of insanity and terror. “Seriously, there is a team here that can make saving the world possible, but as far as I can tell - as long as Linus lives, we’re all doomed. But,” he sighed, picking a french fry off of the plate of a terrified cadet, “the needs of the many, amiright folks?” He laughed at his own joke and chewed the cold french fries, pulling a face and continuing on, looking for more intriguing spoils.
“Anyway, as I was saying. Among you are the heroes we need to save the future from the Borg. I know what you’re thinking - we’ve already had plenty of series that investigate this theme, what can the Borg even DO that we can’t stop? And you know what? You’d be right, but the writers of this world have gone crazy, and don’t even pay attention to the canon of their own SERIES, never mind the show as a whole. So don’t worry about it, just take me at my word - the Borg are the problem, and we gotta take them down.
“So,” he said, lifting a half empty glass of Coke to his lips (even as its owner protested), “who’s with me?”
Moll’s was the first hand to raise in the crowd, her intense eyes aglow with purpose and something darker.
“WHY is it ALWAYS you first?!” cried the Man From the Future.
~~~~~
“It’s not a big deal, Moll! I know the Borg have been devious and dastardly in the past, but I’m sure there is absolutely no harm that could come from using this Borg branded VR. It’s just, like, a way to experience life in Unimatrix Zero. What could possibly go wrong?”
“L’ak, we agreed that we weren’t interested in living this… this modified reality lifestyle. Remember? It was what brought us together… You know that VR helmets give me, like, horrifyingly bad migraines and nose bleeds. Please, I just… I have a bad feeling. Aren’t you worried that you’ll just, I dunno, get sucked in and become a drone like all these other Borg tech addicts?”
But L’ak was not listening. He was already taking his Borg brand VR helmet out of its case - “Resistance is Futile!” shrieked the advertising on the box - and was setting up an account.
“L’ak, are you even listening to me?” she demanded, trying desperately to pull him back to reality. “Don’t you see that this is going to go terribly, horribly wrong?”
“Resistance… is futile…” whispered L’ak, pulling the VR visor down over his eyes. As soon as he initiated the power on sequence, his face went slack, and within seconds, he was marching away, out the door, down the street, towards the center of town - a cube shaped building that was once an Apple store, now the headquarters for Borg Brand VR.
“L’AK! L’AAAAAAAAAAAAAK!” Moll shrieked, following him out the door. She grabbed his arm as he continued walking away, but he pushed her off, continuing his march undisturbed.
She stayed where she fell, in a puddle of mud, rain beginning to fall as tears poured from her eyes. The love of her life, the one man who she thought understood why trusting Borg tech was bad - gone.
~~~~~
“And you’ve got to be crazy if you think I’m taking you on this mission. You volunteer just like that, obviously a loose cannon, you’ll probably get yourself and all of us killed!” The Man From the Future was concluding.
Moll snapped back to the present, and noticed that another nose bleed had started up. She grabbed a napkin from a nearby table and applied pressure, holding her head back. “Listen. I don’t know why you think I can’t help but this is PERSONAL. I NEED to help. For L’ak…”
The Man From the Future just stares at her, heartbreak and horror, and maybe something else, written all over his face. “Okay just… No heroics, okay? And remember… The Borg… they want us to think we’ve won, so we’ll give up - if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
He turned to the rest of the crowd. “Now if any of the rest of you are interested in trying out some heroics, I’m all for it - looking at you, slenderman,” The Man From the Future said, eyeing Saru up and down. “You look like you could do some serious heroism out there.”
Saru jumped when he was mentioned and glanced and T’Rina, his colleague who he was at the Mess Hall on a sort-of date with. Maybe if he acted like a hero, like this crazy man wanted - maybe then, T’Rina would understand the depth of his feelings for her. Maybe then, he could finally get some of that sweet, sweet hand stuff. “The crew do lovingly refer to me as… as Action Saru. I’m sure I could be of some use so, yes - sign me up for some… some serious heroism!”
“Great! This is really a relief - we rarely make it out of this mess hall without you along for the ride, Saru!” exclaimed the Man from the Future.
T’Rina thought this was just about the most illogical thing she could imagine Saru saying. Why was he getting involved with this crazy, dirty, homeless-looking man, when he had a nice cushy position here on the Discovery? Sure, the Man From the Future talks a big talk about the Borg - but they’ve been vanquished in, what, 6 or 7 series, plus a film? What could they really have planned for the future that was so dire?
But then she thought about it. The Borg could be anyone, any time, anywhere. Although risking their lives for no reason was highly illogical, surely having someone as brilliant along as her, and as heroic as Saru, was the only logical choice. “If Saru is in… I’m in,” she said. “This is such an asinine plot, you’re going to need someone around who can remain logical.”
“You only join the party about half the time, so I’m a little surprised,” mused the Man From the Future. “But we DO always make it further when you’re there so… welcome aboard, T’Rina.”
“As the captain of this vessel, and arguably the most indispensable member of the crew, I think it only makes sense that I join you on this operation,” Michael Burnham piped up from the doorway. “The only thing better than one Vulcan mind on the case is one Vulcan mind plus one Vulcan-coded human mind with lots of childhood trauma thrown in!”
“Yeah that’s… really encouraging,” said the Man from the Future. “But you’re good in a fight, I’ll give you that. Anyone else?”
It was then that the pounding on the airlock hatches began. “Well, anyone who’s in, get ready to run. The rest of you - good luck, have fun - resistance is futile!” The Man From the Future was already running into the depths of the ship, forcing the aforementioned volunteers, plus a few others (most notably, Tilly, Stametz, Book and Owosekun) to sprint to keep up with him.
“Aw shit,” exclaimed Book charmingly. “I forgot my cat! Forgive the pun, but the Queen really knows how to hold a Grudge!”
MMMMMMRRRROOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The halls trembled and shook as an unearthly sound ricocheted off the metal walls, vibrating the very floor beneath their feet and making their teeth chatter. “What the hell is-??”
Suddenly, a large, clawed paw, looking to belong to a 10 story tall Maine coon cat, hooked out of a nearby science lab, grabbing Book and pulling him in. There was a scream, another earth shaking growl, and then an audible “GULP”.
“Okay, that’s… that’s never happened before. But it’s… it’s definitely not good. Let’s run people, away from that… THING before we’re next!” The Man From the Future jogged on, leading the rest of his rag tag crew behind him.
“Where are we even going?” Moll asked, jogging hard to catch up to the Man From the Future. “Where CAN we go? If the Borg are on the ship, then…”
“We’ll go where we always try to go - to the Warp engine core. I have a feeling… we won’t find your typical warp engine down there, that’s for sure. I mean, I’ve never made it in before, not in 116 attempts, but I have a good head for these things, and I’m usually right - “
“I certainly don’t want to cause a disagreement,” said T’Rina, “but doesn’t it make more sense to try to get OFF the ship, rather than trap ourselves like rats within it? I know you’ve done this a FEW TIMES but your lack of success does leave a bit to be desired…”
“That’s quitter talk!” declared The Man From the Future. “Besides - you guys should know better than me, but - isn’t THAT the only door that stands between us and the warp core?”
“Did you somehow miss the Breen warriors armed to the teeth who are pacing in front of the door?” Queried T’Rina.
“Of course I didn’t miss - Wait, the Breen?” cried The Man from the Future. “This changes EVERYTHING!”
“No… I can work with this,” said Moll. “I understand the Breen.”
“No, no, no - not an option. You’re not walking in there and just addressing the Breen -”
“I don’t know who you think died and put you in charge,” started Moll. “...okay, phrasing. I guess it’s all of us who have died, over and over, putting you in charge. Allegedly. But listen. I have to do this. The Borg took everything from me, and before them the Breen tried. What could be better than letting me stick it to all my greatest enemies at once?”
“I don’t really think this is going to be the revenge fantasy you’re hoping for,” said the Man From the Future. “Honestly, I expect there will be some kinda yadda yadda jibber jabber from some unexpected antagonist and then… well, who knows? But it might not scratch the itch.”
“Only one way to find out!” Moll decided. She picked up a collapsable fencing sword conveniently discarded nearby, slid it open with a sharp sounding “shink!” and began pacing towards the Breen.
The Breen all startled and stared at her, and she thought, without seeing their eyes, that there was a sense of recognition. They immediately started shouting excitedly in their weird broken speak n spell in backwards through a vocoder language, and Moll shook her head. “I have no idea what you’re saying - but I know you know what I’M saying. And what I’m saying is - let me in there!” She pointed towards the bulkhead door separating her from the inner chamber containing the Warp core.
The Breen looked from one to another and then bowed, pointing towards the door and not raising a hand to stop her.
“Th-thank you?” she gasped, confused, and looking behind her as she walked between them to the door, sliding the door to the side and stepping through.
What she found waiting for her… She never would’ve expected. Her dear, beloved L’ak sitting on a folding couch, and next to him… the Borg Queen, her skin pale, her face pulled tight like someone who’s had one too many face lifts, and bosom barely covered and heaving. She held L’ak tightly to her, and grinned as Moll approached.
“Hey, you hive minded psycho, get your scaly undead hands off my boyfriend!” cried Moll, approaching with sword drawn, and pointing it directly at the Borg Queen’s throat. “Come on, L’ak, let’s go, you don’t need to live like this - it ISN’T living…”
“No… Moll…” L’ak’s voice, thin and husky, like someone who had been asleep for months, strained out of his throat. “Don’t… do this. I chose this. Resistance is… futile…”
The Borg Queen laughed. “See? See how ridiculous you sound, trying to stand in the way of progress?” She pulled L’ak’s VR goggled face to her sweaty looking, gray-ish bosom. “If I can take your precious Lak, the second to last hold out in town to get Borg VR… what makes you think I can’t take you, too? Can’t you sense his power? The important role he will play in all the future endeavors of the Borg? He’s mine!”
“I won’t let you have him! Because the world depends on it. Because the L’ak I love wouldn’t want it this way.” Moll drew back her sword arm, her eyes locked on the Borg Queen. “I will free us ALL from this mess. Even if it means… even if it means I have to sacrifice everything.”
The Queen continued to laugh. “Go ahead, strike me down if you think it’ll make you feel better,” she taunted. “Another Borg Queen will just rise in my place - or has your pathetic brain not conceived of the truth, that as long as there are others to take over, the Borg will never - “
Moll grimaced and slashed out with the sword. But it wasn’t the Borg Queen whose head she took. It was L’ak’s. Tears, hot and unashamed, washed down her face, sobs pouring from her body as Lak’s collapsed to the floor.
The Borg Queen screamed. “NO! NO! NO! HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD A STUPID COWARDLY LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU -??????!”
The room grew bright white, and Moll realized the light was pouring out of L’ak’s decapitated body, blinding her to everything else in the room. “YOU MAY HAVE WON, BUT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE MAN FROM THE FUTURE IS REALLY YOUR —--”
Blackout. Or… were her eyes just closed? Had she been asleep? Was she dreaming? Moll opened her eyes and sat up. She was in a hospital bed. Next to her, asleep in the visitor’s chair… her beloved L’ak.
She looked around the room and saw it wasn’t just L’Ak - all her friends were here. Tilly. Stametz. Captain Burnham. Linus…
Linus?
“Oh, no,” she whispered.
“Babe, you’re awake,” said L’ak, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I’m so relieved. You’ve been out for days… I really thought…”
“L’ak, you can’t be here. Linus… well, he shouldn’t be here, but he CAN’T either, he’s dead. We didn’t do it. We didn’t win. WE DIDN’T WIN!”
But no one could hear her, not over the happy peppy end credit music that had begun to play.
As the Paramount logo filled the screen, The man from the future, now a weird anime-ified cartoon a la Bart in that one episode of the Simpsons, popped through the logo and said, “be-dee-be-dee-be-dee back to the drawing board!”
The end.
—
And that closes the book on Discovery, even if it's not a canonical book. You can also read up on the rest of the fanfic from this installation from Jake, Chris, and Ames; stomach Star Trek: Picard with us as we start our watchthrough next week on SoundCloud (or your favorite podcatcher); follow us on Facebook and Bluesky; and good luck, have fun, and don't die!
Tales from the Holodeck: DIS Fanfic: Chris’s Teleplay
We recently wrapped watching Star Trek: Discovery for the podcast and devout listeners will know what that means: We're gonna attempt to write fanfic that's better than the show itself! "But you already wrote Discovery fanfic last year!" you may be chiding, but now we're in the 32nd century and that's practically a whole new show. Let's take a crack at it!
Next up is Chris's third (and possibly final, but who knows?!) installment in his time-traveling, dimension-hopping, multiple-Kimmed series that somehow keeps going! Prepare to get your brain scrambled as you read on below or listen to the staged reading of it in this week’s podcast episode (jump to 31:45 for that!). And keep your arms and legs inside the timewarp at all times.
Narrator: Interior. A dim reading room in the Eternal Gallery and Archive. After a beat the familiar snap of a 32nd century teleporter and a figure all in black with a sleek helmet appears in the room. Almost immediately it makes its way to a clear case that contains a seemingly-innocuous silver box. It fires a cone of yellow energy that creates a perfectly round hole in the front, and it moves forward to grab its prize. Underneath his movement comes the barely-perceptible whisper of a door sliding open.
Hy’Rell: Please stop and lie on the floor, or I will have to stun you.
Narrator: The figure glances her way, shrugs, and moves towards the case. She fires, but the beam simply passes through it. It hesitates when another transporter goes off. There stands commander Rayner, holding a somewhat odd-looking gun.
Rayner: Nice try, pal.
Narrator: Rayner fires, and this beam actually hits the figure, though it crackles and bounces around it rather than doing any apparent damage. It lets out a horrible noise [Jake, please make a noise] and vanishes.
Rayner: Damn. Well, at least he didn’t get the box.
Hy’Rell: Commander Rayner. What is going on?
Rayner: Honestly? Damned if I know. But what else is new? Some guy shows up on Discovery, gives some song and dance about interdimensional thieves, and here we are. He said this gun would work, and it mostly did. So I guess this guy’s story is checking out.
Hy’Rell: Do you have any idea what that is?
Rayner: Nope. Just that it’s even more important than that nonsense we were after last time, if you can believe it. Allegedly, anyway. Do you happen to know what it is?
Hy’Rell: No. But that it is more significant than it would appear.
Rayner: Great. I miss normal missions. Look, can I…
Hy’Rell: Yes. Take it. We are clearly unable to protect it, so you must.
Rayner: Thanks
Narrator: With another crackle we follow Rayner back to Discovery, where Michael Burnham stands in her ready room alongside Captain Harry Kim, time-traveling, dimension hopping defender of realities.
Rayner: Well, got the thing but our mystery thief got away.
Kim: Which means he’ll try again.
Michael: Zora, have you picked up anything on sensors?
Zora: No, Captain. Even with Chief O’Brien’s modifications.
Kim: OK, so he probably jumped realities again.
Michael: Is he going looking for another of those?
Kim: No, to regroup and plan. That’s the only one in all realities, because it’s the same thing in all of them. It’s kind of like the Guardian of Forever in that way. It’s one thing and infinite copies of itself all at once.
Zora: The threads holding multiverses together.
Kim: Exactly.
Rayner: So, what? They get their hands on this thing and pull to try and yank reality apart?
Kim: Worse. Bend it to their will.
Rayner: (to self) God I miss the Burn days…
Zora: Simpler times are not always better times, Commander.
Rayner: They sure would be right now.
Zora: Wait…Captain, I…
Narrator: The ship seemingly switches to black alert and lurches wildly. Rayner goes down hard and the box flies from his hands, landing in the middle of the floor. The figure appears again in a spark of transporter and lunges for the box. Rayner pulls out his odd weapon from earlier and fires just as the ship lurches again, and the beam hits the box itself, which turns itself into a 12th dimensional wedgie before vanishing with an audible “pop”
Kim: I am so glad we’re on streaming…
Michael: What?
Kim: Don’t worry about it. [beat] Fuck.
*
Commercial Narrator: What’s that? You didn’t pay for the ad-free version of Paramount+? Time for an ad break then! Check out one of our innumerable stupid Westerns where the hero is a rich rancher! Remember when they were the bad guys in Westerns? How about some copaganda? All hail the thin blue line! But hey there’s a goth chick on the team so ignore the problematic politics and just lust after her! Fancy a movie called “Wardriver”? That’s literally a title we thought was worth appending to something! And now back to our show.
*
Narrator: Back in Michael’s ready room a Trip Tucker is putting finishing touches on an elaborate box on her desk.
Trip: OK. Think it’s all set. Admiral Picard beamin’ in.
Narrator: With a slightly different transporter effect a large man - think Jason Statham in a Starfleet uniform - appears
Statham-Picard: Right, sounds like things’ve gotten all ballsed-up.
Kim: Who the hell are you?
Statham-Picard: I could ask you the same thing. I’m supposed to be talkin’ to ‘Arry Kim.
Kim: And I’m looking for Admiral Picard!
Statham-Picard: You’re lookin’ at ‘im, Sunshine.
Michael: I’ve seen Admiral Picard in history books, you’re not him.
Kim: I’m not looking for the one you’d know, either…
Zora: My enhanced sensors are picking up extreme fluctuations in the fabric of the subspace causio-temporal layer. Could that have something to do with it?
Kim: I’d say so.
Statham-Picard: So which me are you lookin’ for?
Kim: The one that drinks Brisk and likes AC/DC.
Statham-Picard: Ice tea and classical music? Sounds like a ponce, you’re lucky I’m ‘ere to ‘elp, instead.
Rayner: I hate this ship. I hate the stupid missions you end up on. I haven’t had a normal damn day since I joined this crew.
Zora: Captain, a new transporter signature. I am afraid it’s…
Narrator: The door swishes open and Kovich walks in, looking as insufferably stoic as ever in his idiot suit, dumb glasses, and archaic tie. God I hate him. Wait, since when can narrators editorialize?
Commercial Narrator: Don’t worry about it.
Narrator: Commercial Narrator? What are you doing here.
Zora: I am afraid the walls of reality are disintegrating faster than expected.
Narrator: Wait, can she hear us?
Kovich: It really is amazing how badly all of this is going.
Zora: Dr. Kovich, now is not the time for your usual…terseness. You are experienced with these sorts of things, perhaps you can assist?
Kovich: Why else would I be here?
Rayner: Normally you show up to cause this sort of thing, not fix it.
Kovich: Your vote of confidence is very encouraging.
Zora: I believe the Commander was engaging in sarcasm, Dr. Kovich.
Kovich: Yes, I…I know.
Trip: Now who’s this?
Michael: It’s a long story…
Kovich: Ah. A Commander Tucker. Probably not the one I knew, though.
Statham-Picard: Looks like a git, ‘oever he is.
Narrator: You’re not wrong.
Trip: Now, I’m, confused, do you have two computers on this ship?
Kovich: No, I think the effects of the box being scattered across the quantum folks of causal protuberance are just causing another reality to bleed through into ours.
Trip: Which means?
Kovich: Which means we need to reassemble the box before things get worse, or all realities ever are doomed, including the ones in which we’re fiction.
Rayner: Sorry, where we’re what?
Narrator/Ames: This is a really weird fanfic that is going places I am deeply annoyed by.
Commercial Narrator/Chris: I mean, if it’s any consolation, Ames, Kovich is the bad guy and you get to kick him in the crotch.
Kovich: Wait, what? OW MY CROTCH!
Ames: Okay, that was somewhat satisfying, but I still don’t like this.
Caitlin: Do I get a shot at him?
Chris: We all do!
Caitlin: Yay!
Kovich: OW!
Chris: Jake, since reality is folding in on itself, anyway, I’ve invited your hero Dexter Jettster so you can wail on Kovich together.
Dexter: Let’s get ‘im, buddy!
Jake: It’s like every Christmas and Birthday all at once!
Kovich: Please stop harming me!
Statham-Picard: Roight, my turn!
Kovich: Oh God not him! My spleen and other internal organs!
Jake: Can I call you Uncle Dexter Jettster?
Dexter: Oooooh, you know it, sport! Let’s go get some dippin’ dots!
*
Commercial Narrator: It’s time for another ad-break because the writer needs a clear delineation between scenes! Look, we got a bunch of Nicktoons on here, Millennials! Hey, Arnold has actually aged really well, you should check it out. But, you know, maybe just pirate it because fuck this app. Now back to our show!
*
Narrator: Beating the tar out of Kovich actually released enough endochornology particles to stabilize realities, and restore the box to realspace. We join our heroes with the badly battered and bleeding Kovich, confined to a medbay bed.
Zora: You were quite correct, Captain Kim. Crewman Daniels - Kovich - whatever he likes to be called - shows signs of being partially from the same reality as the Narrators and their friends. He seems to be a being of multiple realities.
Kim: That…that doesn’t make any sense. A shame we can’t still talk to them, maybe they could explain it better.
Zora: Doubtful. They appeared to be from a fairly technologically nascent era.
Kovich: …none of you…none of you know…what you’ve done…
Kim: Who are you, really?
Kovich: I…I own you, little man. And I’m going to mold you to my image! And then maybe my Daddy will finally tell me he’s proud of me!
Zora: There appears to have been major reconstructive surgery and DNA alteration done to him over the years. I believe I have pieced together his original appearance…
Narrator: On the screen appears a face immediately smug and despisable, somehow more hateful than even the face Daniels was introduced with or ended up with on the show. A face filled with unearned confidence even as the eyes quivered with the thought that someone may one day recognize his mediocrity.
Zora: Our universe appears to have had an equivalent. His name was David Ellison, a rich failson of an aging conservative Tech Mogul. His sort lead Earth directly into the third world war with their short-sightedness and lust for power.
Ellison: And Star Trek is mine now! I’ve canceled all your woke nonsense so I can make a better version! None of that Prime universe cushiness or Kelvin timeline…whatever that was! Season three of Enterprise is the only good Trek and I’m going to use it as a template! That box will allow me to fix it all! I’ll get rid of all the homoerotic tension between Kirk and Spock, I’m going to make Picard love murder, I’m going to…OW!
Statham-Picard: Sorry, was sick of listenin’ to ‘im. I’m goin’ back to my universe now. I suggest chukin’ this one into a black ‘ole.
Michael: We don’t do that.
Statham-Picard: Yeah, neither do we. I was ‘opin’ maybe your lot were less moral than mine.
Narrator: And then, like a bad sitcom, we freeze on everyone having a good laugh. The end. Jesus, Chris.
end
—
And that closes the book on Discovery, even if it's not a canonical book. You can also read up on the rest of the fanfic from this installation from Jake, Caitlin, and Ames; stomach Star Trek: Picard with us as we start our watchthrough next week on SoundCloud (or your favorite podcatcher); follow us on Facebook and Bluesky; and kick Daniels in the face once for us!
Tales from the Holodeck: DIS Fanfic: Jake’s Teleplay
We recently wrapped watching Star Trek: Discovery for the podcast and devout listeners will know what that means: We're gonna attempt to write fanfic that's better than the show itself! "But you already wrote Discovery fanfic last year!" you may be chiding, but now we're in the 32nd century and that's practically a whole new show. Let's take a crack at it!
First up is Jake, who tends to oscillate between absolutely ridiculous comedy shenangigans and tear-jerker dramas that will leave you choked up at the end. Guess which one this is going to be! Keep a box of tissues handy as you read on below or listen to the staged reading of it in this week’s podcast episode (jump to 2:54 for that!). Justice for Fred!
EXT. CHAIN RESEARCH OUTPOST 19: A grey lozenge of a station clamped to a slowly turning asteroid, a very long way from anything. The Emerald Chain insignia on it has been bleached almost white by a star nobody named. Nothing arrives. Nothing leaves.
Cut to:
SCENE 2
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: A long room built for people who can stand. Every shelf just out of reach, every work surface just a bit too high. Instruments hum and mutter to themselves. At the center of the room, suspended in a containment field, a lattice of dilithium the size of a fist turns over and over.
AURELLIO sits beneath a storage rack in his hoverchair, a manipulator arm extended above his head toward a sealed cylinder. The arm shudders. Its servos are old, and have been old for a very long time.
AURELLIO: (patiently, to the arm) Come on. Come on, you miserable--
The arm closes. The cylinder comes free. AURELLIO exhales.
Then the servo slips.
The cylinder drops past him, strikes the deck, and shatters, spreading its contents across the floor. AURELLIO does not shout. He does not swear. He sits very still and looks at it.
AURELLIO: Computer. Requisition request.
COMPUTER: Ready.
AURELLIO: One laboratory assistant. Any species. Any grade. Priority routing, Chain Logistics.
COMPUTER: Request denied.
AURELLIO: Already!? On what grounds?
COMPUTER: Labor allocation for Outpost Nineteen is fixed at one unit.
AURELLIO: (beat) And how many units are currently assigned to Outpost Nineteen?
COMPUTER: One.
AURELLIO: (quietly) …Yes. That's what I thought.
He turns the chair. Against the far bulkhead, stacked to the ceiling, are the salvage crates. The kind of junk the Chain hauls in from the wrecks and never sorts. Every one of them stenciled with the same word.
RECLAMATION -- NO VALUE
He works his way down. First crate: cabling, corroded. Second crate: a gyroscopic housing, cracked. Third crate, elbow-deep, he closes his fingers around something that is not a servo.
He draws it out into the light and holds it up in front of him. A hand. Gold. Perfectly articulated. Six hundred years old and not a scratch on it.
AURELLIO looks at it for a long moment.
AURELLIO: (soft) …Hello.
END OF TEASER
SCENE 3
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: The remaining parts of the android body have been laid out on a large work table in roughly anatomical order, but still disassembled. Various parts from other tools and machines are scattered about.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) Personal Log. Day One.
As the voiceover progresses, AURELLIO digs through bins of parts, tossing most things back, but occasionally striking paydirt, to his delight. When he finds a useful part he takes it out and places it on the table.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) It is some sort of automaton. An android. Primitive in most respects, but its neural pathways are like nothing I've ever seen. At least not like anything the Chain ever had. Most of the body has been stripped for parts, but nothing I can't scrounge up or salvage from other junk around the lab.
AURELLIO picks up the head, examines it.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) The positronic matrix appears intact, at least. A miracle considering how old this thing is. I wonder how it ended up here? Just another broken thing nobody wanted, I suppose. (beat) Somebody looked at six hundred years of engineering and wrote no value on the box.
FADE TO:
SCENE 4
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: Weeks have passed. The body is assembled now, and inert, laid out on the table.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) Personal Log. Day Sixty.
AURELLIO works at the open chest cavity with a probe. He is unshaven. There is a meal beside him he has not touched.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) Every pathway I repair I repair twice. once wrong, and then again after the matrix rejects it. It is the most infuriating thing I have ever done. (beat) I have begun talking to it while I work. I am putting that in the log so when they find me mumbling in the corner there will be a record.
He works. He talks to the body companionably, the way one talks when the alternative is silence.
AURELLIO: Now, you're going to be very useful to me. I want to be honest with you about that up front. There's a rack of specimen cylinders eleven centimeters above the reach of my arm, and I intend for you to spend a considerable portion of your existence handing them down to me.
He adjusts something; a diagnostic tone sounds; he frowns. He picks up a PADD and begins scrolling through.
AURELLIO: (V.O) I am reconstructing ancient positronic theory from a data core I traded a case of Andorian brandy for. (beat) Which I was saving.
AURELLIO: Whoever put you in that box could've left the manual. "Some Assembly Required."
The comm chimes. AURELLIO's entire posture changes: straightens, brightens. He wipes his hands.
AURELLIO: Open channel.
OSYRAA, the ruthless but outwardly genial leader of the Emerald Chain, appears on the laboratory monitor.
OSYRAA: (warm) There he is. My prodigy.
AURELLIO: (genuinely happy to see her) Osyraa.
OSYRAA: Tell me something wonderful.
AURELLIO: (proudly) My eldest has been abducted for her bridenapping.
OSYRAA: (a soft laugh) How traditional… Congratulations to the proud father!
AURELLIO: The rival family is demanding thirty-five strips of latinum. (jokingly) I may need an advance on my next stipend.
OSYRAA: (laughing… but not really.) I'll see what we can do about that… Now tell me something else wonderful.
AURELLIO: (a beat; almost shy) I found some sort of android in the
reclamation crates. I've been rebuilding it.
A pause on the channel.
OSYRAA: An android…
AURELLIO: Pre-Burn.
OSYRAA: Aurellio, my dear. I love your tinkerer's spirit, but I really hope this isn't interfering with your work.
AURELLIO: (defensively) On the contrary! When this is complete my output will double! Perhaps more! It'll be like a lab assistant.
OSYRAA: (indulgent, moving on) Then I'm happy. You work too hard
out there, Aurellio. (shifting gears) The dilithium. When?
AURELLIO: Soon.
OSYRAA: Soon.
She cuts the channel. The monitor goes dark. The room is silent again.
AURELLIO sits in the middle of it, smiling.
FADE TO:
SCENE 5
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: Later still. The lab is a wreck. AURELLIO looks like a man who has not slept in weeks, because he has not. His beard has grown out. The dilithium lattice at the center of the room has gone dark in its containment field, unattended.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) Personal Log. Day Two Hundred and Six. Attempt forty-one.
He touches a control. Nothing. He adjusts. He touches it again. Nothing.
AURELLIO: (V.O.) I have not allowed myself to consider what I will do if this one works. (beat) I have not allowed myself to consider anything else in two hundred days.
He sits back. Rubs his eyes. Reaches out, almost absently, and touches the control a third time.
The android's eyes open. AURELLIO stops breathing.
AURELLIO: (carefully) …Can you hear me?
AS-0572Y: (the voice comes through wrong, syllables catching
and dropping. Like Max Headroom) Aff-Affirmative.
AURELLIO: (exhaling) Hello.
AS-0572Y: Hello.
AURELLIO: Do you know what you are?
AS-0572Y: This unit is a S-Soong-type an-… an-droid. Serial des-designation S-0572Y. Con-constructed to the specifications of Doctor Altan-tan Inigo S-S-S-Soong.
AURELLIO: (delighted, scientific, already reaching for a tool) Your vocal processor is damaged. I can fix that.
AS-0572Y doesn't respond. AURELLIO begins to work on the android.
AURELLIO: (working) You must be pretty old, huh?
AS-0572Y: This unit's internal c-c-c-chronometer registers approximate time since activation as forty-seven s-s-s-seconds.
AURELLIO: (smiling) I guess something got reset. Do you remember anything from before forty-seven seconds ago?
AS-0572Y: This unit's autobiographical me-memory core con-contains zero entries.
AURELLIO: Well… for reference, I would put you at no less than five… maybe six hundred years old.
AS-0572Y: Acknowledged, though this unit has no record of that. (beat) This unit has never d-done any- (the word will not come) …anything.
AURELLIO: Well. (beat) That won't be true for much longer.
END OF ACT ONE
SCENE 6
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19
AURELLIO: (V.O.) Personal Log. Day Two Hundred and Forty. The android continues to find uses around the lab with basic tasks like cleaning and organizing, but I feel as though I've barely scratched the surface of its capabilities. I estimate its linear computation speed at no less than two hundred trillion operations per second… a bit much for a cleaning robot.
AURELLIO enters. And stops.
The lab has been rebuilt. Every rack lowered. Every bench cut down. Every instrument, every cylinder, every tool, resting at the height of a seated man. AS-0572Y stands at the far end with a plasma torch, finishing the last of it.
AURELLIO: (quietly) What have you done?
AS-0572Y: This unit has recon-configured the lab-laboratory.
AURELLIO: Who told you to do that?
AS-0572Y: No one.
AURELLIO: Then why?
AS-0572Y: The shelves were too high.
AURELLIO says nothing. He crosses the room. He reaches out--without the arm, without effort, without thinking--and takes a specimen cylinder down off a shelf.
AURELLIO: (near tears) Thank you… uh… um… Look, I can't keep calling you AS-0572Y.
AS-0572Y: That is this unit's Se-Serial Designation.
AURELLIO: It's a stock number. It's what you write on a box of equipment. It's what they wrote on your box.
AS-0572Y: You wish to ch-change this unit's designation? For what pur-purpose?
AURELLIO: Because you're not equipment.
AS-0572Y: Inquiry: you be-believe this unit is over s-s-six hundred years in operation, yet it has no autobiographical memory entries. Memory cores do not d-degrade in that pattern, Doctor. This unit's memory was removed. Deliberately.
AURELLIO: I think so, too. What is your inquiry?
AS-0572Y: Who removed them?
AURELLIO: I don't know.
AS-0572Y: Was this unit unsatisfactory?
AURELLIO opens his mouth. Nothing comes out. His eyes go to the crates still stacked against the bulkhead. Still stenciled.
RECLAMATION -- NO VALUE
AURELLIO: …I don't know that either.
The comm chimes. AURELLIO turns to it, saved by the bell.
AURELLIO: Open channel.
SELUV appears on the laboratory monitor. She is a beautiful, middle-aged Orion woman with kind eyes, and a nurturing demeanor.
SELUV: Relly, my love. It's done. They gave her back this morning. Her cousins made us sit through a ballad first.
AURELLIO: (a real laugh) And the latinum?
SELUV: Settled. Osyraa's people paid it before I could even ask you. (beat) She sent flowers, Aurellio.
AURELLIO: (pleased) That's just how she is.
A pause. Behind him, AS-0572Y moves quietly through the lab, organizing.
SELUV: Who's that?
AURELLIO: My new… uh… lab assistant.
SELUV: (a beat) …You sound happy.
AURELLIO: Do I?
SELUV: Yes. I'll let you get back to it. I just wanted to let you know everyone's home, safe and sound. Also, don't forget--
AURELLIO: I won't. Good night, my love.
SELUV's image disappears from the monitor.
AS-0572Y: Inquiry: who was th-that?
AURELLIO: That was Seluv, my mate. She just got our daughter back from… actually, never mind, too much to explain.
AS-0572Y: What is "Relly"?
AURELLIO: (blushing) It's… uh… a nickname. You know, short for Aurellio. I've had it all my life. It's what my friends call me.
AS-0572Y: Inquiry: am I Fr- (the word catches) Fr-Fre-- (he attempts "friend," but the n drops out) …Fred?
AURELLIO: (smiling) Of course you are… Fred.
END OF ACT TWO
SCENE 7
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: AURELLIO closes a panel at the base of FRED's skull, and sits back.
AURELLIO: Say something.
FRED: Something.
AURELLIO: (dry) Say something else.
FRED: (out of nowhere) Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle. That's the way--
AURELLIO raises his hand to interrupt.
AURELLIO: Okay. That's enough of that. (confused) Where did that come from?!
FRED: Accessing. (beat) Unknown.
AURELLIO decides to leave it.
AURELLIO: (carefully) …Say "friend."
FRED: Friend.
AURELLIO: We could change it. Now that you can say it. (beat) You could be Friend… if you want.
FRED considers it.
FRED: No. (beat) I am Fred. You are Relly. We are Friends.
AURELLIO's emotions get the better of him, but he turns away before showing it.
AURELLIO: (gruff, to cover it) …All right. Get back to work.
FRED: You have a new piercing.
AURELLIO's hand goes, involuntarily, to the fresh third stud behind his right ear, beside two older piercings. He had not meant for it to be noticed.
AURELLIO: (caught) …You don't miss much.
FRED: In the Orion tradition, a piercing behind the ear is placed to mark the arrival of a child. Did Seluv bear another child?
AURELLIO looks at him for a long moment.
AURELLIO: (soberly. ish.) …Something like that.
FRED: (satisfied; the file is closed) Congratulations, Relly.
FRED returns to his work. He does not see AURELLIO touch the piercing again, hold it, and say nothing at all.
Suddenly, the outpost's proximity alarm sounds. AURELLIO freezes.
AURELLIO: …That's a docking alert. Nothing's scheduled.
A short while later, the laboratory doors part. KESH, an Andorian Chain regulator, enters. He is unhurried, a PADD in one hand. He does not knock, because it does not occur to him that he should. AURELLIO recognizes him; he is not a friend.
AURELLIO: Regulator Kesh! I wasn't expecting--
KESH raises a hand to silence AURELLIO, who complies.
KESH: Osyraa wanted me to pay you a visit after your last dilithium shipment.
KESH takes stock of the lab, drags his finger across a surface. Once he notices FRED, there is little else that interests him.
AURELLIO: (concerned) Oh? I hope there was nothing wrong--
KESH: On the contrary. You exceeded your quota. Three-fold. Osyraa is most pleased-- (cutting himself off) What is this?
AURELLIO: Oh, uh, this is--
FRED: I am Fred.
KESH: (a thin, cold amusement; a glance back at AURELLIO) …Fred?
KESH continues to study FRED.
KESH: This is the pre-Burn android you found? (continuing) What are its capabilities?
FRED: I was imbued with a variety of skills including advanced chemistry, biology, mathematics, engineering--
KESH: Tactical?
FRED: Yes.
KESH: (smiling) A supply convoy. Nine freighters, no escort. Six raiders closing from astern. One freighter carries dilithium. The others are decoys. How do you protect it?
FRED: (instantly, brightly. He has been asked a question and he is good at questions) Alter one decoy's warp field to mimic the mass and subspace resonance of a dilithium cargo. Transmit a forged manifest on an unsecured channel.
KESH: A sensor ghost.
FRED: One they cannot verify without dropping out of pursuit. They will converge to board the decoy. Allow their vessels to attach, then overload its warp core. The remaining eight ships and the dilithium proceed unchallenged.
KESH: And the crew?
FRED: They must remain aboard until the raiders commit. An empty ship would reveal the deception. Transport them out immediately before detonation.
KESH: Transport inhibitors are standard raider equipment.
FRED: Then the loss of one crew preserves eight ships and the dilithium.
A silence. KESH smiles, slowly, the way a man smiles when he has found money.
KESH: (soft) …Impressive… For an antique.
FRED turns to AURELLIO looking for the approval he has always been given. AURELLIO cannot give it; the color has drained from his face. He is looking at his friend and seeing, for the first time, what everyone else will see. KESH addresses AURELLIO.
KESH: Excellent find, Doctor. It's rare to see one of these in one piece. This unit appears to be fully functional.
AURELLIO: (deflated) Yes… right.
KESH punches something into his PADD.
KESH: In light of your newfound productivity, Osyraa has increased your quota for the next cycle. I'm sure you and your new… assistant… will have no trouble meeting it. (checking his PADD) I'll remain overnight. We begin a full audit in the morning.
AURELLIO doesn't respond. KESH moves to leave.
KESH: Be seeing you.
KESH exits. AURELLIO stares off.
FRED: Antique. Noun. A relic or object of ancient times. Adjective. Old-fashioned. Obsolete.
AURELLIO: (distracted) Huh? No. Not obsolete. He meant it as a compliment. Antiques can be… valuable.
FRED considers this. Files it away.
FRED: I see. (the smallest uncertainty) …Was my response unsatisfactory?
AURELLIO: (still distracted) What? Oh. No. You answered the question Kesh gave you.
FRED: Was it the wrong answer?
AURELLIO: You never asked whether the convoy was worth a crew.
FRED: Preservation of the convoy was the stated objective.
AURELLIO: (quietly) Yes. It always is.
END OF ACT THREE
SCENE 8
INT. LABORATORY, OUTPOST 19: Night cycle. FRED is not in the room. somewhere down the corridor, faintly, we can hear him working. AURELLIO sits alone before the dark comm panel, composing himself the way a man does before a thing he already knows is coming. The comm chimes. He does not brighten this time.
AURELLIO: Open channel.
OSYRAA appears on the laboratory monitor.
OSYRAA: (delighted) My prodigy. My treasure. Do you have the faintest idea what you've done?
AURELLIO: (carefully) Kesh filed his report.
OSYRAA: Kesh filed a love letter. A functioning pre-Burn positronic unit. Do you know what the last intact one sold for? No, you don't. Because there wasn't one.
AURELLIO: Osyraa--
OSYRAA: A mind like that, out there at the edge of nowhere, handing you specimen jars and sweeping floors? It's a waste, my love. A beautiful, sentimental waste. We're bringing it in.
A silence.
AURELLIO: …In?
OSYRAA: Tactical development. Where it belongs. And between us--this does not leave the channel--we are stretched very thin just now.
Certain resources. You know the ones better than anyone. (warm; almost giddy) A mind that can out-think a fleet, and never burns a single gram of it to run. You didn't build me an assistant, Aurellio. You built me an army. (thinking out loud) Of course its tactical data is a few
centuries out of date… But no worries, we'll just reprogram it. I've sent for the best cyberneticist in the quadrant.
AURELLIO: (quiet) Reprogrammed?
OSYRAA: (gently, reassuring him) But we keep the good parts. The important parts. It will still be brilliant. It will simply be… useful.
AURELLIO says nothing. His hand has drifted, again, to the piercing behind his ear.
OSYRAA: (softening, reading the silence) …Oh. Oh, my dear. You've grown fond of your… Fred, was it?
AURELLIO: (barely) …He chose the name himself.
OSYRAA: (fondly, as if to a child) I know. It's very sweet. (tenderly) Aurellio. Remember what you were when I found you. A dying little boy on a world that had already decided exactly what you were worth. Broken. And I looked at you, and I saw what you could become, and I
gave you a purpose. (beat) That is all this is. I find what is broken, and I give it a purpose. It is the kindest thing I know how to do.
AURELLIO closes his eyes.
OSYRAA: Kesh departs with Fred tomorrow morning. Sleep, my treasure. You have earned it.
The monitor goes dark. AURELLIO sits alone a long moment. Down the corridor, FRED can still be heard working, humming a song.
AURELLIO: Computer. Begin personal log.
COMPUTER: Recording.
AURELLIO listens to the humming. He has kept a record of every day for forty years of his own life and every day of Fred's.
AURELLIO: (quietly) …Cancel recording.
COMPUTER: Entry discarded.
AURELLIO: (to himself) Fred.
END OF ACT FOUR
SCENE 9
INT. DOCKING BAY, OUTPOST 19 - NIGHT: KESH's courier ship sits with its hatch open. AURELLIO works at the bay controls, using the regulator's clearance to authorize an early departure. FRED stands at the hatch. He has not boarded.
FRED: I do not understand, Relly. Why must I go?
AURELLIO: Because Osyraa is sending you away with Kesh tomorrow. His clearance will get you past the first checkpoints. After that, set a course for Q'Mau. There are independent brokers there. You can disappear among them.
FRED: Will you not come with me?
AURELLIO: I can't.
FRED: Why?
AURELLIO: Because Osyraa knows where Seluv and the children are. If I run, she punishes them. If I stay… (beat) I can tell her you stole the ship.
FRED: Was I unsatisfactory?
AURELLIO stops. His heart breaks at this question. After a long pause…
AURELLIO: Of course not, Fred. And that's the problem. (breathes deeply) If you stay here… you'll end up just like me.
FRED: (considers) But I would like to be like you.
AURELLIO: (sadly) No, you wouldn't. (beat) Look, Fred. I've worked for the Chain for forty years. They kept me safe. Kept me fed. And every time they asked something of me, I accepted the conditions they gave
me. (beat) I never asked who paid for it. I told myself I had no choice. Maybe I just didn't want to know what the choices were. (beat) If you stay, they'll do the same to you. They'll decide what you're useful for, give you the answer they want, and make certain you never even ask the question.
FRED: I would like to be useful.
AURELLIO: Of course you would. And you will be. In whatever way you want to be useful. I can't tell you what that will be, and neither can they.
FRED: Like they told you?
AURELLIO: Go, Fred. Go to Q'Mau. What you do when you get there is your choice. You'll choose wrong… everyone does. But you'll find your way. You'll find your place. And wherever it is, make sure you're there because you want to be there.
FRED: Will I see you again?
AURELLIO doesn't answer. After a moment:
FRED: My autobiographical memory has three hundred and fourteen entries now. All of which were made here, with you.
AURELLIO: (smiling, fighting back tears) Hold onto them. Don't forget.
FRED: Memory cores do not degrade in that pattern, Relly. I cannot forget.
AURELLIO: Nor can I, Fred.
FRED: Friend.
AURELLIO: Friend.
FRED and AURELLIO stand for a moment as FRED absorbs the scene, committing it to memory. Then, he boards the courier. As the hatch closes, AURELLIO reaches back to feel the piercing behind his ear.
THE END
—
And that closes the book on Discovery, even if it's not a canonical book. You can also read up on the rest of the fanfic from this installation from Chris, Caitlin, and Ames; stomach Star Trek: Picard with us as we start our watchthrough next week on SoundCloud (or your favorite podcatcher); follow us on Facebook and Bluesky; and fuck over those pesky Orions if you get the chance!
Come with us to the early 2020s, when WB was busy making legacy sequels and canning random completed movies for tax breaks and check out The Matrix Resurrections. One of the Wachowskis comes back under duress since the trilogy was going to become a tetralogy (quadrilogy?) whether they liked it or not, so they figured they may as well try to say something with it. It's very meta, oddly introspective, and sometimes a little sad while also still being over the top and loud. It's definitely interesting, if nothing else.
Also this week: some great Keanu work, a possible Wachowski Rosetta stone, and the collapse of the industry.
It's the original end of The Matrix trilogy as we take a look at the very noisy The Matrix Revolutions! We've got a big CG battle loaded with characters we don't care about, we've got another visit with the Merovingian, and we've got a new Oracle (did you notice?!). Sense has largely left the building in this messy, loud, and frankly perplexing finale.
Also this week: who's who in Zion, unsubtle imagery, and the answer is always hubris.
The Matrix is BACK, baby, and it's bringing along WAY more money and WAY more special effects for The Matrix Reloaded! Get ready for MORE fighting, MORE Agent Smith, and MORE uncomfortably long gyrating rave scenes! What, you don't want that last thing? TOUGH, it's there and it ain't leaving!
Also this week: too much movie, who's Tank, and story time with an 8 year old!
Ames's fanfic again because why not: “Unimatrix Zero: Reloaded”
Shore Leave - Keanussance 05: A Trip to Grandma's Goes Wrong
The Matrix
Mr. Anderson! Come in, sit down, put on your comfiest headphones. It's time to discuss possibly the most iconic of Keanu Reeves' many iconic roles. It's time for The Matrix, a movie that arguably had as big an impact on how Hollywood works as the original Star Wars did some twenty-two years before. Reeves is Neo, a man who finds out his world is not what he believed and he might be the Chosen One humanity needs to save it from its unwitting slavery. But first he needs to learn Kung Fu.
Also this week: an unexpected Trek connection, that steak, and Reeves leads.
What happens when a painter/sculptor and a sci-fi writer want to make an art film but can only get the budget for an action movie? The very, very confused Johnny Mnemonic. Watch in confusion as Keanu is told to switch off his usual, easy charm to play a fairly wooden courier! Be annoyed as rights issues and studio meddling turned the much more interesting bodyguard character into a dull sidekick. And wonder why, for the love of God, they put Henry Rollins in this thing.
Also this week: the greatest monologue in cinema, Val's choice, and old Chris yells at cloud.
Lost in Adaptation: www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-2S9TIdMzg
We're taking a break from our break (insert Inception horn) to check out The Mandalorian and Grogu, the latest theatrical Star Wars outing! Everyone's favorite buckethead and baby are back, hunting down war criminals and fighting CG monsters. SO. MANY. CG monsters.
Also this week: a hot Hutt (?), almost Minioning, and bringing back the board!
Classic Board: Star War Films: Ranked!
New Board: Star Wars Big Board: Now featuring The Mandalorian and Grogu!
Star Wars Big Board: Now featuring The Mandalorian and Grogu!
The A Star to Steer Her By hosts just went to the cinema to see the brand new Star Wars flick: The Mandalorian and Grogu, and that means one thing: We have to update The Big Board™!
You saw it last when we covered a whole bunch of Star Wars movies on the podcast and each host ranked all 11 of the main live-action films (with bonus rankings from guest star James Rossi!). This week, we're sticky-noting a 12th film into the lists as lazily as possible. You can spot where each of us shoved Mando in the light blue stickies above, and listen to our full podcast coverage of the new movie in this week's podcast episode. This is the way.
Here's where everything landed:
Ames’s ranking:
#11: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#10: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
#9: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
#8: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
#7: Solo: A Star Wars Story
#6: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
INSERT MANDO HERE!
#5: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
#4: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
#3: Episode VII: The Force Awakens
#2: Episode IV: A New Hope
#1: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Caitlin’s ranking:
#11: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#10: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
#9: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
#8: Solo: A Star Wars Story
#7: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
#6: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
#5: Episode VII: The Force Awakens
#4: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
INSERT MANDO HERE!
#3: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
#2: Episode IV: A New Hope
#1: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Chris’s ranking:
#11: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
#10: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#9: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
#8: Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith
#7: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
#6: Solo: A Star Wars Story
INSERT MANDO HERE!
#5: Episode VII: The Force Awakens (Chris changed this one live on air!)
#4: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
#3: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
#2: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
#1: Episode IV: A New Hope
Jake’s ranking:
#11: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#10: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
#9: Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith
#8: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
#7: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
#6: Solo: A Star Wars Story
INSERT MANDO HERE!
#5: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
#4: Episode VII: The Force Awakens
#3: Episode IV: A New Hope
#2: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
#1: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
We’re back to our Keanussance adventure next week, and then more Star Trek after that, so be sure to keep listening to new episodes every Thursday on SoundCloud, follow us on Facebook and Bluesky, and may the Force be with you. Always.
Shore Leave - Keanussance 03: Bill & Ted's Delayed Threequel
Bill & Ted Face the Music
Well, it took a lot longer than the writers hoped, but a third Bill & Ted finally graced our screens in 2020! With most of the world locked indoors, maybe all we really needed was a film with a simple message lacking in any cynicism. After your hosts' cool reception to Bogus Journey last week, did the more straightforward Bill & Ted Face the Music resonate with us? Listen and find out!
Also this week: many side plots, the mystery of Cudi, and oddly touching moments!
Shore Leave - Keanussance 02: Bill & Ted's Underwhelming Sequel
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
Next stop on our Shore Leave jaunt is Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and what can we say but: at least William Sadler is a delight. Your stalwarts find themselves a bit underwhelmed by this odd sequel, which maybe was a little TOO different from its predecessor. Something is just missing this time around, and no amount of weird robots or caked-up Martians can fix it.
Also this week: sequel issues, more film trauma for little Chris, and forgetting their own rules.
Shore Leave - Keanussance 01: Cleverly-Seeded Time Frippery
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
We're taking one of our patented Shore Leave breaks before the next leg of Trek, and this time we're going over some choice cuts of the career of Keanu Reeves! So we're starting where you know we have to: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure! It's a classic tale of two well-meaning dopes trying to pass history with the help of time travel so that they can be the foundation of a utopian future!
Also this week: a very smart dumb movie, some poorly-aged things, and alternate Rufuses (Rufae?)
Timestamps: B&TEA: 02:58
Related blog post: Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, and sometimes both
This week we're looking at arguably the reason the reprehensible Section 31 exists: the excellent Everything Everywhere All At Once! In a movie that turns the Chosen One narrative on its head, Michelle Yeoh plays Evelyn, who is the best hope for the multiverse because she is the worst version of herself. Come along for a story of generational trauma, nihilism, kindness, and the simplest little things actually being set-ups for something much more vital.
Also this week: shockingly low-budget, director jump-scare, and a language tangent!
Timestamps: EEAAO: 1:27
Classic Blog, Alternate Timelines: Through more and more looking-glasses
Brace yourself for Section 31, the abysmal Star Trek movie that's a mashup of all the worst ideas from your favorite franchises and none of the good ones! Despite the universe seeming to not want it to happen, what had once been planned as a Shazad Latif–led spy series instead became a Michelle Yeoh heist vehicle. Brace yourself for samey, quippy dialogue, unlikable characters, and the most obvious "twists" you've ever seen!
Also this week: ruining Rachel, nostalgia sickness, and being critical of criticism!
