Nina/ Her Heart Was A River

devouring whole books for breakfast

[starfallkaz]

I JUST MET RF KUANG I REPEAT I JUST MET REBECCAAUNG THIS IS NOT A DRILL

[starfallkaz]

And I know you have your friends and your lovely partner and you’ve made ecosystems and a family outside of me, but I wish you would care to share it with me. I would love to know about the person you’ve become and all that you’ve seen and done.

[starfallkaz]

On meeting a best friend after years apart

When I tell people about her now I say “Oh yeah my old housemate.” But she wasn’t just that. A mutual friend said “For a time she was your person.” And I think that was it. We lived together yes, but she meant so much to me and I think I did to her. She was my best friend and we weathered a pandemic together. We would see each other at breakfast and say goodnight before bed. We’d try little iced coffees together and message back and forth every day and now I distill her into a moment, a sentence said in passing to people indifferent to who she was to me. How can I explain that? And to see her now and the joy she has and the life she has created for herself, it’s beautiful and so deserved. To see her living now in what was just a potential and hope those years ago, fills me with a delight I can’t quite express. But a bittersweetness too. How can someone grow apart from you? How can three years feel like nothing and yet a lifetime ago? How can we message in passing every couple weeks when a milestone is hit, when in the past it was stream of consciousness conversations and blabbering about the most nonsensical of things. I’ll admit that I’m upset I can no longer share in that with her. It’s a closeness lost with years spent apart and continents between us, but a privilege I didn’t realise I had at the time. Is this what nostalgia feels like? Because I don’t like it and I miss my friend standing right in front of me.

[starfallkaz]

back in my nostalgia again

[starfallkaz]

need people to understand that you can love a book and consider it one of your favourites while also acknowledging it has flaws. Like it doesn’t distract from the enjoyment you might have gotten from it. Two things can exist at the same time. I see a lot of very defensive people online. why would I consider it an absolute favourite if I haven’t taken the time to consider why I adored it so much and the qualities that made it so appealing to me. If you aren’t able to think about the books you’re reading, then what’s the point?

[starfallkaz]

I know an epic military fantasy hate to see me comin

[starfallkaz]

Maybe I am a deeply jealous person. And maybe that’s okay. I’m tired of moralising my very human feelings as an abject fundamental flaw within myself - a critique of my humility and a self-flagellation. So what if I’m jealous? If I sometimes feel a little ugly - look it and act it too. If I scroll through Instagram and I am a little green, swiping past lifestyles and perspectives I can only dream of replicating. But even in my delusions and idealised imaginations, I know I could never meet that self-imposed standard. And so I’m jealous of even the idea of that imagined future - an imagined me, idealised in my own mind’s eye, chased after, green with want and envy.

What does that make me? To constantly chase an imagined future, not out of hope, but as a twisted act of desire and self-loathing.

[starfallkaz]

I wanna know which one of you bitches told me to read the sword of kaigen so I can send my therapy bill to you, WHATTT THE FUUUUCKNJJ WAS THAT 😭 I am distraught and devastated, how DARE you, how DARE YOU!!!!!!

[starfallkaz]

On meeting a best friend after years apart

When I tell people about her now I say “Oh yeah my old housemate.” But she wasn’t just that. A mutual friend said “For a time she was your person.” And I think that was it. We lived together yes, but she meant so much to me and I think I did to her. She was my best friend and we weathered a pandemic together. We would see each other at breakfast and say goodnight before bed. We’d try little iced coffees together and message back and forth every day and now I distill her into a moment, a sentence said in passing to people indifferent to who she was to me. How can I explain that? And to see her now and the joy she has and the life she has created for herself, it’s beautiful and so deserved. To see her living now in what was just a potential and hope those years ago, fills me with a delight I can’t quite express. But a bittersweetness too. How can someone grow apart from you? How can three years feel like nothing and yet a lifetime ago? How can we message in passing every couple weeks when a milestone is hit, when in the past it was stream of consciousness conversations and blabbering about the most nonsensical of things. I’ll admit that I’m upset I can no longer share in that with her. It’s a closeness lost with years spent apart and continents between us, but a privilege I didn’t realise I had at the time. Is this what nostalgia feels like? Because I don’t like it and I miss my friend standing right in front of me.

[starfallkaz]

Ive had the oddest most terrible week and i forgot to wish u all a happy oathbound release date so please consider this a happy belated release day message !!! get ready for more shitposting as soon as I finish it

[starfallkaz]

I’m FINE IM FINE

(Thinking about the way Todd cried out Neil’s name in The Dead Poet’s Society after he found out)

[starfallkaz]

Got rejected for a placement I rlly wanted + a current tropical cyclone heading for my house + an exam in two days 😃😃😃 I hope ur week is going better than me

[starfallkaz]

all the med school horror stories of being in theatre had me terrified!!! But the first time I scrubbed in and assisted the surgeon gave me apple slices and a homemade chocolate snack bar after the first 6 hours. The only thing he quizzed me on was the 4 types of nuts he included in the recipe.

[starfallkaz]

the trope of enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies again, dying in the others arms - that joint grief and relief of being able to hold them once again >>>>>

I’m on the floor

[starfallkaz]

I am once again begging PEOPLE!!!! If you insist on standing in the centre of GA at a metal gig, please don’t be shocked or angry if people starting moshing. That is the POINT of the pit. The number of fuucking statues with phones I saw at the Bad Omens gig tonight like???? My brother in Christ move your BODY

[starfallkaz]

THE CAST OF CHILDTEN OF BLOOD AND BONE ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEE R U KIDDING !!!!! ME!!!! ITS JUST WHAT I ENVISIONED WE ACTUALLY WON!!! Miss Viola, Damson, Idris, Cynthia!!!!!!!!!! IM ON THE FLOOORRRR

[starfallkaz]

I wasn’t a very sad child, but I was always in tears and my classmates called me a cry baby. By all accounts I had a very happy and loved childhood but I struggled to emotionally regulate - I still do to a degree, but my sensitivity is now a personality trait. I found the loss of that stability and love in my teenage years very difficult to manage, but ironically that was the point when the tears stopped. Walls are built and the concept of intimacy or being vulnerable is a frightening possibility I’d rather avoid than accept the idea of being known and disregarded.

[starfallkaz]

Babel thoughts (and dreams)

In my heart Robin and Ramy are at that picnic together on the first day they met. Gorging themselves on sweet chocolate tart and brioche and sharp cheese, with bright smiles and fingers sticky from elderflower cordial. And they’re drunk. Drunk on the feeling of being known, and being understood, and finding kinship and kindness in another person like them. I’m thinking of Victoire teasing Robin on his awkwardness, and Robin's biting reply about the roots of the name Victoire stemming from vicious, but it's all in good humour and warmth. Thinking of them staying up until the early hours of the morning delirious from reading, their minds dreaming and spinning in foreign languages, with ink-stained fingers and tired smiles and the steady knowledge that they were changing the world one translation at a time. And it's the three of them holding each other so tightly, finding comfort and solidarity in each other's presence, smiling and laughing together until their bellies ached and their hearts were full.