Nov 9, 2022
Thank you @fassbenderbender for the suggestion!
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Thank you @fassbenderbender for the suggestion!
I love how one of the staples of aged down Dick fics where the Batfam need to deal with Kid Dick is
'GET DOWN FROM THE FUCKING CHANDELIER DICK' and Bruce sadly going 'Not again
Land of The Free and the Home of the Wayne 2
Part One
Clearing up some ages: Jon 14, Mar’i 13, Damian 17, Class 15-16 (Marinette and Adrien are both 16 tho)
...................................................
A man stepped out of a bunch of black haired boys who were standing on the front stairs and cleared his throat.
“Hello students, my name is Bruce Wayne and I will be your host for the duration of the stay. these are my sons and my granddaughter. They all felt the need to come back home for those who have dared to leave the nest.” The last remark was pointed at one boy who looked up mock hurt.
“I get it B, you want me to move out but everything is so free here,” the boy complained and another was holding hands with a woman and started laughing at his brother’s anguish.
“Jason, I think Bruce actually planned this speech,” another boy said bumping the first boy who must have been Jason in the ribs.
“Will you two shut up and let father finish his speech?” another boy pushed the other two apart.
The class just stared at all of them in wonder.
“I guess you boys deserve an introduction, these are my sons Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian. This is Dick’s fiance and daughter Kory and Mar’i. Alfred would you show them around?” Bruce asked already looking just about done with this field trip.
There was another boy sitting further up the stairs looking down and playing with the sleeves of his sweater.
“Where did Master Jonathan go Master Damian?” Alfred asked the youngest boy in the group.
“I don’t know I tried to put a bell on him but then he just got distracted by it,” Damian said and the boy in the back stood up rolled his eyes and started walking down the stairs only to trip on the last one and Damian reached out and caught him the wrist without even having to look.
“Thanks Dami!” Jon said dusting himself off.
“Why am I friends with you again?” Damian asked and Jon just laughed before looking out at the class.
“Hi, I’m Jon Kent.” Jon waved at the class and Alya just took a picture of her idol’s kid who happened to be standing right in front of her single and bashful. This could be her chance.
“Wow no one did the thing, this is an improvement from last year,” Jason said nudging Tim and then there was a squeal from the back.
“OH MY GOD YOUR MOM KNOWS SUPERMAN AND YOUR DAD KNOWS BATMAN!” someone shouted from the back. Jon covered his ears wincing slightly and Damian just glared and took Jon inside.
“You couldn’t have said nothing?” Tim asked trying to stop his ears from bleeding.
“Alright class, let’s follow Alfred to see our rooms.” The students walked inside following the butler to their assigned rooms.
Tim fell to the ground out cold and Jason just laughed pointing. Jason may or may not have put tranquilizer in his coffee that morning.
“Did Tim just die?” Mar’i asked her dad who shook his head at Jason’s behavior.
Damian and Jon started walking up the stairs toward the direction of their rooms but Jon just tugged on Damian’s arm and nodded in toward the guest room wing. Dick had just walked in and saw them sneaking off.
“If you two start spying on the class I will be... and they’re gone.” Dick just sighed.
They stood outside the first room and heard giggling.
“Jon was totally into me and Lila you’re so lucky to have Damian as a boyfriend,” one girl said and another laughed along with her.
“Oh yeah Dami made sure that our class won and I could totally talk Jon into asking you out. The chemistry was totally there right Rose?” the girl who had to be Lila asked.
“Yeah, I could feel it!” Jon’s eyes started glowing red and Damian pulled him to the next room. There were three girls in there too one was crying and the other two were comforting her.
“Come on Marinette this field trip is supposed to be fun you can’t just cry the whole time!” a blonde girl said and the other nodded along.
“I only came here to meet Jon cause I think he’s my pen pal but I didn’t know it was going to be him, I mean Alya’s obsessed with him,” Marinette said crying and Jon just wanted to go and hug the girl that he had been talking to for months but Damian shook his head and pulled him to the next room which had three boys.
“Oh please, Jon Kent came out a year ago so Alya’s crazy if she thinks that she’s going to date him. You on the other had have an actual chance,” a boy in a baseball cap said laughing.
“He’s cute though,” a boy with blonde hair started laying in his bed, “you know how I get around cute guys.”
“He’ll probably be nervous when he sees you too, you’re a model Adrien and he is kind of adorable in that nerdy sort of way but that just means that you should ask him to show you around or something,” a red-head said sketching on his bed.
“You don’t like hi...”
“No Adrien I’m dating Marc,” the red-head responded patting the other on the shoulder.
Jon stared and Damian pulled him to the next room which had three more boys.
“I bet you could ask Mar’i out, she’s like only two years younger than you dude.”
Yeah Jon had to pull himself and Damian away from that room before either of them went explosive to protect their friend. They made it to Damian’s room before Damian grabbed a piece of paper and started writing.
“It seems like we have four missions for the duration of the field trip, do not let that kid get near Mar’i, get you a date, cheer up that Marinette girl who seems to be your pen pal, and prove a liar wrong,” Damian said and Jon nodded smiling.
“Wait what was that date part?” Jon asked blushing.
“What date part?” Damian asked back holding out his hand to signal that this was a real mission and Jon took it.
“Let’s show them how we work in the land of the free and the home of the Wayne.”
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JPS: @loveswifi @ash-amg @thatonecroc @wannajointhecrabcult @toodaloo-kangaroo @mochegato
The Batfam sing Dumb Ways To Die
(this is inspired by chapter nine of my Batfam/Avengers crossover fic on Ao3, found here)
So I have a headcanon that the bats like to sing on patrol. They change up the lyrics to different songs to fit their own dramatic selves (It drives Bruce crazy, though he secretly loves it). Their favorite is “Dumb Ways To Die”!
Their rendition goes like this:
Set fire to Robin's cat
Poke a stick at a grumpy bat
Drink Red’s coffee, any day a’the week
Tell Red Hood to turn the other cheek
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to di-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die
Ask Hood, who wrote Frankenstein
Listen to a Nightwing pick-up line
Tell Robin he’s not the best
Challenge Spoiler to a waffle-eat’n contest
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to di-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die
Invite a psycho-clown inside
Scratch Black Mask's brand new ride
Ask Superman, for tech support
Insult Agent A’s fresh-baked torte
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to di-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die
Let Nightwing in the kitchen
Give Red Hood some ammunition
Tell Bats, you got a tattoo
"I wonder, what's this red button do?" (Said by Bruce before proceeding to mute his comms, much to everyone’s amusment)
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to di-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die
Dress up like a clown during halloween
Tell a Martian your favorite color isn’t green
Stand on the edge of a roof next to Robin
Joyride in the Batmobile while B’s away
Run across Agent A’s flowerbeds
They may not rhyme but they're quite possibly
The dumbest ways to die
The dumbest ways to die
The dumbest ways to di-ie-ie-ie
So many dumb
So many dumb ways to die
Things that Tim Drake did while Sleep Deprived:
Cradled Titus’s snout in his hands and whispered whilst sobbing, “You are so important. You are the backbone of this family.”
Was found crouched like a gargoyle on the kitchen counter at 4 am scooping Nutella out of the jar with his bare fingers.
He was muttering unintelligibly under his breath through mouthfuls of the stuff.
Stephanie, who got up for an innocent early-morning snack, was found nearby, huddled in the corner and brandishing a spatula.
“Steph--?”
“I’ll hold him off. Run while you still can.”
Rested his forehead on the counter, sobbing about how Alfred is his ‘rock’.
“Is he talking about the man or the cat?”
“I mean, either way...”
Accidentally donned Batgirl’s costume for patrol.
No one said anything.
The GCPD didn’t even notice.
But he totally made those boots work.
Poured three bottles of Five-Hour Energy into his coffee and toasted everyone as he deadpanned, “I hope this kills me.”
Slipped into a mini-coma after the fact.
Leaned down to comfort the thugs he and his siblings had just beaten up with a soft ‘it be like that sometimes’.
Impulsively bought out the entire stock of Hostess snack cakes from a local grocery store.
Proceeded to place all of them
All of them
In various kitchen appliances because he couldn’t be bothered to stick them in the pantry.
Jason had to dump sixteen individually-wrapped Ding-Dongs out of the blender before he could make his morning protein shake.
And when Alfred opened the oven the next morning to make a quiche......
Went missing for twenty-one hours straight.
Bruce found him in the chimney.
He’d found a secret entrance to the attic. It’s his go-to hiding place now, and no one else dares to go near it. Unless they need an emergency snack.
Who even knows how many Twinkies are stashed up there.
Called Bart to tearfully apologize for eating all his pizza rolls.
Three years ago.
“That was yOU!?”
Accidentally shot his grappling line through a twelfth-story window.
It took out a potted plant, a laptop computer, and an employee’s toupee.
Looked at the window. Looked at the grapple gun.
Softly whispered, “Oops.”
Built a blanket fort in the Cave.
Stole all of Dick’s fluffiest fleece blankets. And all of Steph’s pillows. He even took Jason’s teddy bear.
“W-What? Pssh, no, I’ve never seen that thing before in my life!”
“Oh. Well, in that case, we’ll let Titus--”
“Hand me the bear before I rip out your spleen.”
Caused an international incident by ‘accidentally’ breaking into the Biyalian Embassy.
He thought it was the Cave.
“Tim, I don’t even want to know.”
“Y’know, cause it’s all dark and smells like years of unaddressed inner turmoil--”
“Hilarious. Dick, come get your brother, I need to make a few calls.”
Poured ketchup on his waffles.
Proceeded to devour them while Steph looked on in abject horror.
Showed up at Red Robin (the restaurant) to ask for a free burger.
Threatened to sue for copyright infringement when he was denied.
Escorted from the premises by three Even More Tired employees.
And Cass.
government: so anyway hulk is government property u used a government facility to make him
bruce: yeah about that. he says he’ll go if you get him a triple espresso.
government: we’re not wasting money on that--
bruce: you waste money on your own pensions so i don’t see the difference. it’s going to something useless
Run and Run as Fast as You Can
Razor sprints down the sidewalk, the screams of his cohorts echoing behind him. It’s true what they say, there’s no honor among thieves. Or, in this case, hired mooks.
Should’ve worked for Two-Face…he never comes down here, no fuckin’ money in it, god dammit…
He shoves someone-grandma? Businessman? Who knows-outta the way and scurries into a Circle K. Ahh. Bright light. People. Potential safety.
Well. Person. There is one person in here, the strung-out night clerk. Her head’s bobbing along to the store radio (shitty pop music) and every so often she snaps her gum. Oh well. Better in here than out there. Sorry, cohorts, you will be missed, and you’ll be used as a cautionary tale for new hires. What a legacy.
He wanders around, buys a pack of gummy bears and a new lighter and one of those cheap-ass battery fans before figuring it’s safe to leave. Surely he’s lost the guy by now, right? He’s not worth the effort anyway, he’s just the muscle.
Nothing bad happens on his way back to his crappy apartment, but it’s not like he’s duckin’ down alleys. By the time he gets there, the panic’s wearing off. Whoop-dee-dee, turns out the Red Hood’s just as human as the others! And the guys were so convinced he was the boogey man…pfft. Whatever. Just a nut in a mask. This city’s got a lot of those.
He strolls into the kitchen for a beer (it’s been a night, he’s earned his fuckin’ beer) and finds that the light bulb in his fridge is out again. Piece of crap, what the hell…
He swats at it until it buzzes and floods the fridge and floor with yellow light. There. This is what he gets for rescuing this thing from a dumpster…but hey, it keeps his shit cold, that’s what matters. So what if it might’ve had body parts in it once? Nothin’ a little bleach can’t fix.
He roots around until he finds his beer and slams the fridge shut (huh, maybe that’s why the bulb doesn’t work half the time). Heh. He’s got cred now. Not that many of ‘em can say they ditched the Hood.
He chugs the beer and flops onto his bed, adrenaline rush giving way to exhaustion and sleep.
* * *
The feeling of being watched is what wakes him, and even though he puts it off as a nightmare he can’t remember, Razor gets up and shuffles to the bathroom (beer always does this to him, no matter how little he drinks!) to pee. He’s stumbling back to bed when he realizes that his mouth is…really dry. Desert-dry.
Ugh. Damn beer. Every time, he should learn…
Muttering darkly about the betrayal of cheap booze, he shuffles to the kitchen, flicks on the light, and freezes.
The Red Hood is leaning over his sink, filling a water bottle. He (it? Maybe he’s not human after all!) stills and gives an awkward over-the-shoulder wave.
“Hey.”
Razor is not too proud to admit that he runs for the door. He doesn’t make it-gets tackled about three steps in-but he tried, and that’s what matters.
“I don’t know nothin’, man, I swear to god please don’t hurt me-”
“Why’d you run, then?” Razor scrambles to free himself, fails, and braces himself for pain and death. He’s rolled over and there’s a huff from above. “Are you seriously wearing a Batman shirt?”
It’s ironic, fucker.
He tries to spit, as last some last attempt at defiance, but his mouth is too dry to do anything but make a noise. Despite its lack of features, the helmet appears to be exasperated.
“Wow. I almost feel bad now.”
And with that, he’s being hauled up by his shirt and dragged across the floor. Razor tries to kick him, misses, and ends up with a boot on his neck while the window slides open. Oh shit, oh shit…
“This is how it’s gonna go. You tell me everything you know about your boss, I maybe don’t accidentally drop you four stories.”
“Go to hell.”
“Been there. Got bored and climbed out.” His shirt bunches and he’s dragged up. No, no no no! “But you can go. You got friends there, I’m sure.”
“God, please-”
Cold air hits his face. He looks up at the fire escape above him, feels his hair dangle into space below. Oh god oh god no NO-
“Only one is listening is me.” The helmet cuts into his view. “So you can tell me everything you know about the runners in Chinatown, or I can drop you. You probably won’t die…but when I get down there, you’ll wish you had.”
Razor refuses to feel shame for crying.
“Okay, man, okay! Just don’t drop me, please-”
“Sure thing, new best friend.” He’s pulled in and the window closes. He’s just about to breathe a sigh of relief when he’s thrown into the TV. Ow. Ow. “So. The fuck is Scarecrow doing, exactly?”
This sucks. Either Crane will kill him, Richardson will kill him, or Hood will kill him.
He misses the days when it was Batman and maybe Robin-the first one, the second one broke his wrist once and the third one might be a robot. Batgirl wasn’t bad. But this guy? Come on! How many fuckin’ vigilantes does this city need, anyway? It’s not that big!
“I dunno.”
“Really.”
“I don’t, I swear! Crane only keeps me around ‘cause I’m kinda immune to his toxin, I think he thinks I’m a science experiment or somethin’, he doesn’t tell me shit!” He gulps when the red helmet doesn’t…like, look less scary or anything. “All I know is that he’s hirin’ street-levels to peddle his stuff. That’s all.”
CRA-ASH!
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT’S GOING ON NOW-
He’s grateful he pissed earlier. He doesn’t think he’s got bladder control right now.
Batman has crashed through his window and oh thank JESUS he’s SAAAAAAVED.
Hood drops him like he’s hot and he crawls as close to Batman as he dares. Never mind that the guy broke his knee and dropped him into Joker toxin once, he came and got him out! What’s a little horrible injury between friends, right?
“Fun-sucker.” Hood rolls his shoulders. “Crane’s sellin’ his crap in Chinatown. You’re welcome.”
“Hood-”
“Last time you were near me, a bat smacked into my head. I think it had rabies. I’m leaving.”
Batman is…exasperatedly silent. Hood vanishes and a second later Razor hears his front door open and shut.
“Hey, Bats.”
He really should have expected the fist to the face.
THE END
submitted by an amazing anon