I have reached the highest weight I have ever been. 154 pounds. The highest I had ever been before this was 137 pounds and that was when I was 9 months pregnant with my son. At 43 years old, I have gotten to a point that I never thought I'd reach. It's hard for me to be honest about how I feel, because I have a tendency to make it all sound positive, especially when people feel the baffling need point out how much weight I've gained. As if I failed to notice.
Sometimes I feel some weird need to blame myself for this weight gain, and in part it is true. Even now, I could eat healthier, I could start an actual exercise regimen. But there have been so many other circumstances that have played a role. Hormones that were and still feel a bit messed up, turning 40, changes in my relationship, and more than anything a lot of stress at work.
I have gotten to a point where I want change, but not in the way that I used to look for change, which was beating myself up completely in order to get gains. Restricting, working myself to the bone, moving in ways I did not like at all.
So I am starting over. All the way over, and I don't even really know where to start.
I can't listen to any more advice from anyone. I am simply turning to myself. Turning inward and listening to my own soul, my own heart, and my own common sense. I know my body better than anyone and I am far from stupid when it comes to nutrition, especially feeding my own body.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I would want to lose 20 pounds. But by saying that it would be a purely emotional reaction. Also, it would purely be for aesthetics.
So every day I will have to remind myself that I am doing this for a different reason. Even if I lose no weight, but feel better and gain muscle back, gain my flexibility back. Most of all to gain back my peace of mind. My joy and my happiness.
-365 yoga and health journey with the Queen of New Beginnings -