#nonbinary transition

[deryn-the-goblin]

Thinking kind of seriously about T.

The catch is PCOS and medical trauma bad enough that the thought of getting blood work makes me kind of hyperventilate.

But… I’ve known for years how badly my brain hates e….

[deryn-the-goblin]

you know. if I'd had the choice.

I might have opted to go through male puberty.

can't say I definitely would've done that. I wouldn't take T now, because I really don't like the texture and sensory everything of the body hair I have and do not want more. also because I kind of like my contralto singing voice and don't really want to lose it.

but if I'd had the choice.

if somebody had told me that "hey, you can take medicine and you will never have periods, you will never develop breasts, your body will stay more or less your preferred configuration forever (but you will grow up to have a deeper voice and maybe a beard)"

I would have done that.

and it could have spared me a lot of trauma. I wouldn't have had to get surgery. I don't know that I would have developed PCOS, although it's hard to say for sure. I wouldn't have developed PTSD from getting the surgery I had to transition last year.

...oh well.

[sweetnsal]

rule of thumb for top surgery is: NEVER TRUST YOUR FIRST WEEK POST-OP DEPRESSION!!!!! you’re going to get depressed, you just went through a huge surgery but also you lost a lot of hormones your chest naturally has. you’re going to hate your body, the scars, and question if you did the right thing. YOU DID!!! i never thought id get out of it but i’m 4 weeks out and i’m so in love with the scars and finally appreciating my body again. IT GETS BETTER!!!

[valbreaksgravity]

trying so hard to not jump at the chance to buy Raloxifene (not that i even have money, could barley support me on testosterone)

[probablynottola]

I told my friend i don't want top surgery but I want to make my nipples way smaller and this happened in the chat:

[sapphuric-acid]

so I finally figured out how to put my chosen name in my therapist's patient hub system thing

I had to explain to the receptionist "my legal name is [X] but I go by [Y]"

She was like "oh that's real neat! I have a [Y] in my life too, but he's, you know" (cool I'm glad you made small talk. why did you feel like you needed to clarify that)

"But I've always told my daughter, if she has a girl she should name her [Y]" (again why are you clarifying this)

I wasn't offended, I intentionally chose a gender-neutral name and even on the days where I actually try I don't pass. It was just kinda awkward.

[deryn-the-goblin]

had the 5-week follow up appointment today. everything is, in fact, healing as well as I thought it was. doctor estimated a week or two before the nipple grafts stop oozing. lines up with the pace they've been healing so far. honestly can't wait for that part.

heads up, fellow enbys and gents and anyone else getting nipple grafts for whatever reason: that healing process is both kind of amazing and extremely gross. like. week 2-3, the scabby old dead skin will come off but weeks 4-5 are when the new tissue starts to really get down to the task of making itself water tight. and that takes a while. and the under layers of skin are gonna ooze. look up "serous" and "serosanguinous" fluids if you want more details. it's normal. but kinda gross. and I am tired of it.

great news is that I don't have any more follow up appointments unless I notice something weird and wrong, which seems unlikely. the scars are gonna be pretty gnarly looking for a while because I am pale and my skin is stupidly sensitive to everything from mild amounts of sun to clean shirts to my own sweat. but I do have permission to officially start putting scar cream or strips or whatever on them. which I have done some anyways but it'll be a lot easier once the nipple grafts stop oozing.

if anyone is in north carolina and is looking for top surgeon recommendations, let me know. I have a lot of medical trauma but that wasn't their fault. they did a good job, everything looks like it'll heal pretty neatly and my chest looks and basically feels about as good as I could possibly have expected.

now I need to learn how to stand without slouching to spare my lower back. I'm no longer trying to hide my chest. I can wear spaghetti straps and tank tops without wanting to walk into the ocean. hopefully I can wear a bathing suit once it warms up without wanting to die. I haven't done that since I was like. 16. And I had a panic attack and literally ran away from the swimming pool.

[deryn-the-goblin]

Keep catching myself doing something small and familiar, like unconscious gestures and fidgets while I’m reading, and surprising myself because No Boobs. In a good way, mind you. I feel a little sigh of relief every time it happens.

Also, those extra large bandaids are good for the third-fourth weeks of healing when the crusty scabby dead skin is gone from the nipple grafts but not enough new has grown to stop them oozing. I’m not changing them twice daily anymore because it’s clear nothing is going to dry out or fall off, everything is clearly healthy, I just don’t want to ooze through a shirt.