#ocd rant

[antleredarchivist]

Having moral OCD and making an actual genuine mistake, or reflecting back on your actions and having actual legitimate regrets, is like handing yourself a loaded gun and convincing yourself you’re a bad person if you don’t pull the trigger.

[sylveriasarcana]

you're not alone. i promise.

but if you're in the OCD tag looking for reassurance or chasing a compulsion, I'm gonna need you to put your phone down. go on, put it down. and i want you to say out loud,

"Maybe the thoughts are right. Maybe they're not. Either way, I will be okay."

that's all you have to do. no more googling or tag searching, you've given OCD all the attention it deserves. you can go do something else now.

the monster in your head isn't in control. you are. good luck ❤️

[k1ttygam3r]

Me when I unhide a post tagged with something I blocked because I didn’t want to see it and the post contains content I blocked that I didn’t want to see

[elliethecat]

Hi, do y'all mind if I get on my soapbox for a bit?

TW: discussions of OCD and stuff like that

So, I have OCD. Diagnosed OCD, and it affects my daily life. This is necessary for the rest of this post.

I don't particularly like posts that say things along the lines of "If you support X then reblog", "You have to reblog this or X", "reblog for X, ignore for Y", "Reblog if you support X, if you don't you're anti-X" (okay that's a strong example), or "If you don't do X you're a bad person".

So, why don't I like these? As I said, I have OCD, and stuff like this sets it off. Yeah, it's good to show support for people, but this is not the way to do it.

Why don't we use an example? This is a fictional example, but situations like this have happened to me before.

Let's say a mutual makes a post that says, "Reblog if your blog is safe for women". My mind will quickly go to, "My blog's an art blog; won't that seem really strange in context? Well, if I don't reblog then maybe they'll think I don't support women? But I AM a woman so it should be obvious I support women, right? But maybe they'll think I'm a weird fucking anti-woman-woman or something."

This is NOT fun or healthy for me! So, for me and anyone else who has OCD and struggles with this, DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THIS! PLEASE! This also goes for posts about fundraisers that are guilt-trippy in nature and even more!

Thanks for listening to my rant, bye bye ^^

[disgrac333]

im so normal about everything

[abs-blabs]

Ok I need to rant so if you’d like to scroll you can if not thank you for reading my muddled thoughts, I just need to get this out of my head.

TW!! Mentions of OCD and its physical effects as well as intrusive thoughts and mention of blood

So, I have mild OCD that is kept pretty regulated through my mental health medication. At its most basic level OCD is just a very particular type of anxiety (but that’s a very broad description of it). OCD looks different for everyone, but again it’s pretty mild for me.

I’ve been ON ONE recently (if you know what I mean), and all of these things that are bothering me, or are the sole reason for my intrusive thoughts are body related. Recently for me it’s all been teeth/mouth related especially. Although I know what I’m doing is unhygienic or just plainly not good, I do it anyway because I can’t stop the way that this disorder affects me. The only thing that finally stops me is the thought that I could end up permanently hurting myself or making myself bleed.

I obviously won’t go into detail but, if you take away anything from this post, remember that people who struggle with OCD not only struggle with the mental effects, but the physical effects as well. Luckily I have a very understanding family that is very supportive, and very open to talking with me about what I’m feeling. Ok that’s all, sending anyone who read this all the love in the world :p

[hismercytomyjustice]

My husband effortlessly outmaneuvered my OCD today. I am still in awe.

I didn’t want to go to my piano lesson. Last week was ROUGH. On top of still struggling with this more advanced piece, I had major migraine brain fog.

The good news is that I didn’t want to fake my own death or wind up in near tears after. Yay, progress! But it wasn’t the best experience otherwise. It was just really frustrating and humiliating to struggle so much.

This more advanced piece has been triggering my OCD like crazy too.

I told him I didn’t want to go today because I hadn’t practiced enough.

He responded with “So?”

It was exactly the right answer. Even though I still tried to push back with, “I haven’t made enough progress.”

And he was just like “The point of you going is to practice. And you did practice.”

“I haven’t practiced enough.”

“Not going isn’t going to help with that.”

T^T !!!

(extended OCD rant below the cut)

I had similar convos with my therapist where she’s insisted that the only thing I need to do for piano is show up for my lessons. That is the only expectation.

My piano teacher would disagree with that, lol. But I get what she’s saying. Because my desire for “doing it right/enough” is my perfectionism OCD talking.

Which is why piano is such good unintentional ERP for me. Because it upsets my perfectionism OCD so much. My therapist has said this multiple times now.

Lol, I also finally told my piano teacher I have OCD and that my OCD loves piano. In that it loves to tell me how bad I am at it. He was telling me last week, “Just play through, it doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Which has become his new mantra for me lately. orz I was playing some for my husband too to show him how far I’ve come and he said the same thing because I kept stopping when I’d mess up. “Just play it through.”

It is SO HARD TO though. Especially with how hard my OCD focuses on every single mistake I make. Which just leads to building anxiety and more mistakes.

I’ve had moments where I’m struggling while practicing and have literally had to tell myself “practicing will only help, it can’t make you worse at this.”

Because lord knows avoidance is one of my favorite compulsions. Because you can’t be bad at something if you don’t do it, amirite? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

God, I also realized my OCD has eased up a bit when it comes to writing (sort of), but now it’s decided to focus on replying to comments on my fics instead. Something I genuinely enjoy doing because getting comments fills my heart with rainbows. It gets riled up with me trying to leave comments too.

My perfectionism OCD has decided this is a great time to overthink every single word I type. Just a constant stream of “You have to give the perfect reply to a comment, otherwise people won’t think you’re grateful enough for them taking the time to comment and they won’t want to read your fic anymore and they’ll hate you.”

And “You’ve left comments on other fics that people have said made their day. If you don’t leave a good enough comment or if you don’t comment at all, they’ll think you don’t like their fic anymore. You know how happy getting comments makes you. If you don’t comment on everything you read, that makes you a bad person.”

None of that is true, ofc. I know it’s not true. I know it’s not even logical. But it is all triggering my avoidance SO HARD. Because I can’t mess it up if I don’t do it at all! So now I have a bunch of comments that have piled up and a bunch of fics I’ve read that I haven’t commented on and I’m starting to ruminate on all of it.

And it’s just like…so objectively ridiculous. That’s not self-compassion, I know. But like, it feels so absurd to be in an OCD spiral over this. Where I am actively spending more time agonizing (ruminating) over the fact that I haven’t done either than it would take to just…reply or leave a comment on a fic.

Like. This is not a life or death situation. This doesn’t even have to be a situation! And yet the spiral continues. I stress, I avoid, I stress about avoiding. And I waste time and energy and brainpower on all of it.

I have the same issue with the other fics I’ve promised too. I’ve been deep into the final chapters of my kid!Alastor fic and hyper focusing on it as a result. But I have been talking about posting Part 8 of my Radioapple series for so long. I threw 8k words at it like a month ago and then started overthinking it and then started worrying about falling behind on my kid!fic. The same for the BG3 oneshot I drafted. All I need to do is edit it so I can post it. But editing to me = executive function (writing somehow does not…?). And, again, I wanted to get caught up on my kid!fic. So now I feel guilty for not finishing it and posting when I said I would.

None of this is anything I should feel guilty for! And I know that. I am doing all of this FOR FUN.

It is supposed to be fun!

AND YET.

Ugh. Not me over here like “My OCD hasn’t been that bad! Why can’t I get anything done?”

Because it picked new things to obsess over and I was late to the party on realizing that. ( ˶ •̀ ⤙ •́ ˶ )

I’m glad I’m meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow. My depression has been better but now that I’m aware my OCD is ~clinically severe~, I’m hoping maybe she can help get me on something that will do more to help with it. Because while the meds I’m currently on are preventing me from a full blown relapse, I don’t think they’ve been very effective at straight up treating my OCD otherwise.

I’m really hoping a different medication will help. It’s just frustrating to be putting all this work into therapy and all, but not seeing more of a reduction in my symptoms.

Literally one of the questions on the YBOC is: “How anxious would you feel if you were prevented from performing your compulsive behaviors?”

I told her it wouldn’t make me anxious because I don’t WANT to do the compulsions. And if I had a magic button in my head that would make them easier to resist, it would be the greatest thing ever. The compulsions are what’s making me anxious. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m obsessing or compulsing.

So then I get frustrated and upset at myself for not getting things done and it’s only then that I’m like, “Wait, is this an OCD spiral?”

If I could get better at recognizing them sooner and acting sooner, I think it’d go a long way toward helping me. The thing is, I don’t know if this is a medication thing or a me thing and tbh I’m worried it’s a me thing. That I’m not doing something right, and that’s why I’m having such a hard time with it all.

I really hope that’s not the case. Like, I am DESPERATE to get out of these never-ending loops. I just really, really hope that the will is already there and that a different medication can help get my OCD under control enough for me to actually make progress.

T^T Guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Lol, not me stressing now that my psychiatrist is just gonna be like “Your problem is that you aren’t trying hard enough!” Because I think my problem is trying so hard to the point I unintentionally actively sabotage myself… Like I’m trying to fight perfectionism OCD with gasoline instead of water or something.

Ugh. Fingers crossed she can give me some better insight into all this tomorrow.

I’m just curious now too if my OCD has always been this bad and I’m only just now realizing it, or if it’s just been worse in general over the past year or so for whatever reason.

FIX ME, SCIENCE! FIX ME!!!

[crocheturlove]

TW// OCD & MENTAL HEALTH & SELF-HARM IDEOLOGY

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Today has been a really shitty day for my OCD. Literally the first client of the day at the clinic triggered me and it's just continued to mount throughout the rest of the day (10-hour shift).

So, I just went through a 10-hour shift of flashbacks, and trying to not douse myself in Lysol. For anyone who does not want to read a play-by-play of my day, go ahead and skip to the TL/DR.

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My OCD isn't something little. It's tied directly to my PTSD and any trigger to one causes the other to surface. My OCD primarily revolves around sanitation and contamination fears. Organization isn't an issue, I thrive in chaos, but everything it that chaos is sparkling.

I view triggers as contaminants, and they make everything they are in any physical contact with equally disgusting.

To preface I work at a veterinary clinic that is still strictly curbside only.

So here's my day: first person (an established client who has been a trigger for the entire time I've worked here) shows up at 7:15, no appointment. Comes in to the lobby, which is still closed, with her cat who has nothing wrong with it. I have to tell this woman several time to leave the lobby and call from her car as has been the procedure also since I've started. She finally does, Doctor G agrees to vacc the cat, says hey this'll be a drop off, because our surgeries are coming in. Woman drops the cat off and leaves. I am SPAZZED. I want to lock the door. I want to forbid this woman from ever coming anywhere near here. I smile and check the cat in.

We're short staffed today, which is fine L, my other desk lady, is awesome and we soothe egos and make impatient clients laugh. Doctor B needs help holding pets in the back and asks me to do it. I get to hold a wiggly husky pup, and grumpy old boxer, a floofy Himalayan! It's fine because I'm not working with Doctor G who will see the cat.

Doctor G asks me to get the cat.

I don't want to. I want nothing to do with it. This cat is an absolute sweetheart and one the clinic's best patients but because of its human I can't touch this cat.

I get the cat. And I hold it. Because no one knows I have OCD and they aren't about to find out now. I hold the cat so Doc G can vacc. I can feel every place where it touches me, I can feel it through my clothes. Doc G thanks me and I put the cat away and call the owner to let her know it's ready to pick up and to please call when she's outside. I want to claw my skin off.

OCD is a living thing, it mutates as it sees fit as your anxieties change. One day many moons ago my brain said, "Hey, y'know how pollen is blown around in the wind and coats things? What if contamination was like that?" And now windy days are the bane of my existence.

It was windy today. My car is outside in the wind. I was outside in the wind bringing in and taking out pets. My car is disgusting.

My shift ends.

Then I get in the car to go home. Have to go through three different car washes to feel like my car is clean enough. But everything I'm wearing is contaminated from being in the vicinity of this woman, from touching this cat, so it'll all be thrown away. I'll have to sanitize the inside of my car, too. I can't turn the air on before the car washes because then even more of the contamination and BAD and WRONG will be in the car. It's nearly 100 degrees outside and it's so hot and I'm so hot. I hate this i hate this ihatethis.

My mother calls on my way. I don't answer.

I didn't have enough shampoo. I've wrapped my hair so it can't touch anything until I can get more.

Finally I get home. Immediately command my service dog to stay when I open the door he can't touch me. Sanitize my hands four times. Four is a good number, very complete. Put his leash on him from where he's sitting. Tell him to go out ahead and potty. Bring him back in. Take off the leash. Strip. Everything goes in trash bags. They're double, triple wrapped. Shower. I do claw my skin then. I scrub and search the filth off. Why doesn't this water get any hotter? Why don't I have enough soap? I've washed at least 4 times but I don't ever stop at six. Six is a bad number.

My service dog is watching me. I get out of the shower and dry and he comes and leans against my legs. He lets me cry on him and rub his ears. Even as I'm writing this, he is curled here watching me and wagging him tail slowly. I can't have him with me at my current job, but hopefully I'll be going to a new one soon.

I hate OCD. I hate having it and that even a total of 8 months of inpatient treatment hasn't made a significant dent in it. I can function, and smile, and look perfectly normal when I have to. I want to claw my skin off. I want everyone who triggers me to disappear. I want to burn my abuser to ash.

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TL/DR::

This was a really shitty day for my OCD. I'm tired. And I'm going to get up at 5:30 and go back to work.