Winterironhawk on a mission together?
This is full of plotholes and nonsense, but have some random Winterironhawk mission fic:
Sometimes Clint really hates his job.
“Remind me again why I’m on this rooftop freezing my balls off while you seduce the billionaire,” Clint mutters, looking down the sight into the window of the ballroom.
“Because you see better from a distance,” Bucky’s voice says in his ear.
“Don’t you like the view?” asks Tony.
Clint drops the scope down a little bit, just far enough to get a good long look at Bucky’s assets - and, as he spins round on the dance floor, Tony’s assets as well. Tony puts an extra swing in his step that Clint knows is on purpose.
“The view’s great, but I’m not sure it’s worth the cost,” Clint tells him. “I’m pretty sure I’m getting frostbite on parts of my body I have it on reasonable authority that you’re both pretty fond of.”
“We’ll still love you if your balls fall off,” Bucky says and Clint can hear Tony stifling a laugh in an attempt to appear sensible and high society on the dancefloor.
“I was talking about my fingers, asshole,” Clint says.
“Why aren’t you wearing gloves?” Bucky asks.
“Have you tried shooting arrows with gloves on?”
“Well that’s stupid,” Tony says. “What are you supposed to do if it’s snowing? Wear mittens? As adorable as that would be - and I am buying you both mittens - I for one am very fond of both your balls and your fingers. I’m sure it can’t be too difficult to make you some thermal gloves that are thin and flexible enough to allow you near full sensitivity and range of motion. And in the meantime… I can come up with a few ideas to warm them back up.”
“It’s April,” Bucky says. “You’re fine. The temperature hasn’t dropped below eight degrees all night.”
“That’s not including the wind chill factor,” Clint mutters, but he swings his scope back to the upstairs windows, exactly where the object of their mission is. The blueprints for AIM’s new weapon. Bucky and Tony should be able to sneak away to get to the computer in the next few minutes. Clint is their backup plan.
A movement catches his eye. Two people, a man and a woman, pushing into the room, wrapped in what seems to be a passionate embrace. Clint raises an eyebrow.
“What are the odds that some happy-go-lucky couple just happened to pick the room with the hard drive in to go and have some fun?” he asks casually.
“Given they’d have to go up two flights of stairs and get through two locked doors, I’m going with unlikely,” Bucky comments.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Clint says. “I hate to move straight to the big finale, but we might have to skip the foreplay, gentlemen.” He watches the couple as they separate and the woman stabs her companion in the neck with a syringe. “But it looks like we have a gatecrasher at this party and her date is sleeping like a baby.”
“We’re on our way,” Bucky says, the background noise on the comms has lessened.
“One day maybe we should have a date that doesn’t involve theft and murder,” Tony says, though he doesn’t sound too annoyed. “I’m not complaining, who doesn’t like a bit of excitement, but it would be a refreshing change of pace.”
“I’m not dressing up in one of those monkey suits,” Clint says, tracking the woman through his sight. He can’t shoot her without breaking the window and breaking the window would set off the alarms, which they really don’t want to happen before Bucky and Tony have got what they came for.
“And you asked why you were the one sitting on the roof,” Bucky says. “This is why we can’t have nice things, Clint.”
“No, we can’t have nice things because the world is full of supervillains hell bent on destroying us and taking over the world,” Tony corrects. “Clint’s aversion to formal wear is why I don’t get to live out my fantasy of being double-teamed by James Bond.”
“Aw… now I want to wear a monkey suit,” Clint says. “Looks like she’s into the computer, guys. She’s good.”
“We’re better,” Tony says.
“Arrogance will get you killed,” Bucky tells them both.
“It’s nice to know you care, honeypie,” Tony tells him and Clint hears the sound of a kiss. His shoulders sag a bit. He’s missing out on kissing. They are so going to have to make this up to him.
“Are you close? Because I think she is,” Clint tells them.
“That’s what she said,” Tony says, but his voice has lowered to a whisper.
“We’re close,” Bucky says. “And I have an idea. Tony, get in here.”
There are the sounds of muffled protests and Clint frowns, trying to work out what the hell is going on.
“Did you honestly just shut me in a cupboard?” Tony asks, sounding offended.
“Wait for the cue, then come out and go and complete the mission,” Bucky says. “I’m going to take care of our cuckoo.”
“What’s the cue?” Tony asks.
Clint watches the woman through the window as she pulls the drive from the computer and stands up, slipping it into her cleavage, which is kind of cliche.
“It’s down her top,” Clint says.
“You’d better not be about to grope catwoman,” Tony says. Bucky doesn’t reply - well, not to Tony.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” Bucky says. “This area is off limits to the public.” Clint can’t make out what the woman says in response. “Sorry, ma’am, but I’m going to have to ask you to come with me. Security reasons, you understand. There are some very sensitive and expensive items in this area.” There’s another pause, presumably while the nice lady tries to charm Bucky into letting her go, Clint almost laughs. “Be that as it may, ma’am, I’m afraid I have a job to do, and I’ve got very specific orders. If you can come with me, into the Magnolia room, we’ll see about sorting this misunderstanding out.”
“About time,” Tony mutters. “Next time you want to shove me in a closet Barnes, make sure it doesn’t smell like damp cloth - I’m never going to get the smell out of this jacket.”
Clint sees the door to the room open again and Tony walk in, heading for the computer.
“OK, so time to get the plans, wipe the hard drive and leave a nice little surprise for whoever looks at them next,” Tony says, before starting to mutter to himself about the computer security.
Meanwhile, he can still hear Bucky going through the role of tired and dedicated, but not too bright security guard. He’s asking the basic questions, glossing over things that don’t make sense and being very apologetic about it all.
“Of course, ma’am, I just have a few more-” Bucky’s voice chokes off and Clint starts. He swings his sight round to try to find him, but the curtains of the next room over are drawn, because of course they are. He can make out a shadow, but he can’t tell whether they’re facing towards him or away from him. All he can tell is that the lady thief is definitely trying to choke Bucky out. If he shoots, he’ll hit both of them.
“You fucker,” Clint mutters at him. He swings back and sees that Tony has frozen.
“What’s happening?” Tony asks.
“Bucky’s having a little trouble,” Clint says. “Keep going. I’ve got it. Bucky, I need you to make sure that she’s between you and the window, okay?”
There is a grunt from the other end of the comms.
“I’m gonna take that as a yes,” Clint tells him. “Next time you decide to play hapless security guard, make sure the curtains are open, okay?”
“The curtains are closed?” Tony asks. “You can’t see them? Even you can’t shoot blind!”
“I never miss,” Clint says. “I’ve got this. You do your thing, I’ll do mine. And be ready, as soon as I break that window, all hell’s going to break loose.”
“Fuck, she stabbed me with something,” Bucky says.
“Probably the same thing she used on the guy in here,” Tony says. “I should check whether he’s alive.”
“No,” Clint says. “Keep going.” Tony turns to glare right at him out the window. “Trust us, Tony, it’s going to be fine.” Clint hopes he’s telling the truth. He reaches up to tap his ear, switching onto the private comms. “Bucky, private line. How’s it going?”
“Paralytic,” Bucky says, his voice tight.
“Fuck… okay. Well, plan b it is.”
“Thnk wr on pln ee nw,” Bucky says, the paralytic clearly taking effect.
“The guy in here with me,” Tony says. “I don’t think he’s breathing. Clint. He’s not breathing. Bucky, say something.”
“Tony. I’ve got a plan,” Clint says.
And then he does the really stupid thing.
In general, people don’t expect to be attacked by a six foot three man ziplining through a window with a bow. And the element of surprise is surprisingly effective.
By some fluke of fate, he even manages to time it so he kicks the woman right in the face, with both feet. Ha! He’s totally going to claim that was on purpose.
“Get the fuck away from my boyfriend,” he says and she blinks at him, clearly woozy from his boots hitting her head. She actually has a footprint on her face. The alarms kick in then and she looks between him and Bucky lying on the floor, rigid, but his eyes bright with anger, and she shrugs, turning to run out the door.
“Well, so much for subtle,” he says, heading over to Bucky. “You okay? Right. You can’t talk. Or walk… and you weigh like 240. Huh…”
“Wrng ff,” Bucky says through a jaw that doesn’t move. Clint looks down and sees his index finger twitch. “Ll be light ‘n foo uhnuts”
“You’ll be alright in a few minutes?” Clint translates. “Too bad we’ve only got a few seconds before the real security guys get in here, and she got away with the files.
“No, she didn’t,” Tony says, stepping through the doors, adjusting his cuffs, and Clint sees the hint of one of his Iron Man gauntlets disappearing back up his sleeve. He looks down at Bucky and the fear is evident on his face.
“You don’t look fine, Buttercup,” Tony says. He turns as they hear the sounds of thudding footsteps in the corridor. “So how do we play this?”
“Well, there’s not much point trying to be subtle now,” he points out. Tony looks at him and grins.
Clint will never get tired of the way the nanotechnology suit glides over Tony’s body. It’s like… the opposite of a striptease, but it’s just as damn sexy.
The door bursts open and five security guards find themselves face to face with Iron Man.
Sometimes Clint really loves his job.
