ColdandStarless

confessions of a very sad boy

[thatcoldboy]

University and Fucking hating my Life because of it

I've started smoking CBD cigarettes more especially after school cause I'm like, love hate relationship with school where I love and I'm proud of my work but also school makes me feel awful about my life 24/7 so I wanna Leav e

I blame school a lot for failed relationships (2 and counting) and failing to maintain friendships cause there's not enough time to travel and hangout

I blame school for being really unhappy everyday because I can't do things I want to do or things that I think would be fun. Or I'd have to hold off on trips or desires because I have assignments due and 7am mornings to wake up to.

I blame school for making me feel like I'm boring, silent, invisible, because I can't put out my art or work on artistic projects I really really want to put my heart into (playing instruments, poetry, paintings) 

I blame school for making me conform into a reality of institutions and structures I never wanted to be apart of. 

I blame school for my insecurity, my problems, my mental health, my heartbreaking everytime I recognize I'm not doing what I wanted to be doing at this age. 

"Am I even punk anymore?"

[thatcoldboy]

Feeling Trans in America

I'm getting more aware of how hopeless the world is. I'm learning about the worsening state of the country, racism has never changed, sexism is violent and ignored, transphobia has become deadly.

The country has succumbed to fascism, concentration camps, and making murder easier to access for everyone with leaner gun laws.

I now don't feel safe at school or public spaces. 

I feel like any minute I could get shot, stabbed, mugged, because of how I look. I'm not even sure how I look but it doesn't matter because just one person has to not like it and it would be perfectly non-consequential for them to kill me and desecrate my body and label it as "trans-panic". 

It's terrifying to live in this country, and it's so very depressing to think about how hated I am. I don't have enough people loving me to counteract it, it just feels like I'm hated and alone.

[thatcoldboy]

Hunger with Depression

Brain: "Your hungry, eat something or you'll get tired and your stomach will hurt"

Me: "Okay fair" *buys food

Brain: "Oh actually fuck you :)"

Brain: "Don't even try and eat it cause I'ma whap that shit back out."

Brain: "Also your hungry, and your stomach hurts, but your also full which makes smelling food nauseating soooo, get rid of that food you bought :)"

[thatcoldboy]

So I look at my past purchases of the last month and it's all breakfast/lunch for when I go to work (everyday) and I'm just getting so pissed off at myself??

I need to buy breakfast because I have to wake up early and drive an hour to work, and I'm usually the last to get lunch so, no breakfast and I suffer.

And I buy my own lunch since I live too far from home to cook, and I have no kitchen to actually meal prep.

So I don't have more alternatives, I just have to buy the cheapest food I can.

Chipotle has begun to rip me off, saying a side of rice and beans counts as a veggie rather than a 2 pointer because I asked for extra rice. Bullshit, I've been eating pure rice bowls for 2$ since I was a manager at chip.

My meals range from $1-8 each, 5 days a week multiplied by 2.

About $50-80 per week of food.

I feel like I'm wasting money, I feel like a fatass, I feel like I am pathetic and deserve to be punished for spending money on stupid despicable things such as a $3 breakfast at taco bell.

Am I worthless? Isnt this just capitalism?

Am I a waste?

[thatcoldboy]

What I CAN do:

More cardio, more walking outside that is to start.

Try and text my friends more.

Try and spend less.

Eat more veggies and less red meat.

Plan things. Plan things for only me to do.

[thatcoldboy]

It really sucks that I can't talk to people like an extrovert can. I really do try but I come off pretty awkward and it's hard for me to gather what to say.

[thatcoldboy]

Back on my Bullshit™️ on being a pent up confused box of emotions

[thatcoldboy]

Sometime after turning 21 I kind of clicked and shifted gears. I'm tired of being a suffering self deprecating teenager.

Im going to try, as hard as I can, to be a better person to myself.

I'm exploring my gender expression, I want to be more secure in my masculinity and identity.

Ive cancelled all and every self deprecating commentary and sarcastic humor from my brain. It's toxic, it was slowly poisoning my self worth, no one should call themselves worthless or joke about killing themselves. Alot of the time it gets too real.

Im trying to force myself into settings where I meet new people and get myself to be more involved in socializing.

I'm trying to accept the relationships I've lost.

That last one is the hardest, it affects all of the above, my self esteem, worth, mood, my life.

I'm trying to get better.

[thatcoldboy]

I remember a time I didn't believe I'd make it to see 21

But if I did, I believed I would probably be better by now.

Well I'm not better, but also not worse.

It's more like a different kind of not okay.

[thatcoldboy]

trying to stop being sO DAMN INSECURE

[battibatt]

nobody talks about how ugly taking care of yourself can be

yes, sometimes it’s taking a warm bath and texting memes to friends and keeping an aesthetically pretty journal.

sometimes it’s crying silently on your couch at 3am, hugging yourself and reminding yourself that you’re a good person.

self care is not always ‘aesthetic’ and cute…and that’s ok. don’t be embarrassed, just do what you need to do.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate.”

— Maria Shriver

[closet-keys]

My brother was diagnosed with depression years before I was, and because of that he started therapy years before I did.

I still remember when I was a young teen and he was playing a Nirvana song and he stopped it at this one line: “I miss the comfort of being sad”

He told me that when you start to get better, there’s a part of you that misses being sad and that if you start feeling that way you have to be extra extra aware and careful because if you indulge the feeling you’ll go down a self-destructive spiral

And even though that was years and years ago, I think about it all the time. Especially when I’m reading discourse on the idea of getting so attached to mental illness as an identity that you don’t want to improve things because you feel safe in it and don’t know who you are without it

I always think of that line “I miss the comfort of being sad” and my brother’s warning

[thatcoldboy]

It really hurts growing up to be an adult and realizing nobody really cares about you

No hello, no how are you, no are you okay?

Not even to check if I'm alive still

what do I do when I don't want to be

[thatcoldboy]

What are you supposed to do

I want to give up all the time, I wish I could because I'm not really happy a lot of the time I'm here. I'm afraid I'm not going to be ready for whatever the world needs from me. I feel like this BA is going to be a waste.

I wish I could start being happy now.

I don't think it's normal to want to give up all the time, I know I wont and that's why I keep going but I just really hate feeling like this...

[littlewagon-deactivated20190419]

Uhm, sorry, can you elaborate on what you mean? Do you mean, like, what's ableist is the assumption that the reason someone isn't using a suicide hotline is because they're just too ignorant or incapable of finding the information?

I don’t think that the majority of people who praise suicide hotlines know what they’re doing. They’ve either never called or they called when they weren’t actively suicidal, which is fine, but it means that they’re blissfully unaware of what happens when a suicidal person calls a suicide hotline. At least, I hope it’s out of ignorance, not malice.

If you tell a suicide hotline worker that you’re suicidal, they track the call and call the police. You can get arrested for being suicidal. It’s horrible, especially since they can imprison up for weeks or months without consent or trial. Imagine what would happen if people accused of crimes had no rights, and that’s what happens to suicidal people.

Not only is the entire premise horrific, psych wards are hives of abuse. Victims are verbally abused, physically assaulted, “restrained” with chokeholds, drugged, raped and molested, drugged and raped, forced into electroconvulsive therapy, and even murdered, not to mention doing all of this on tax payer’s money and taking advantage of insurance fraud. You only hear about the extreme circumstances because the abusers have complete control over someone’s release and contact with the outside world, and society has deemed this treatment morally okay. But trust me, it happens in most hospitals. Predators thrive where people have been stripped of their basic rights. 

Unsurprisingly, all of this causes PTSD. A system that most people call “mental help” is the cause of mental health problems.

If that wasn’t bad enough, people who have 911 called on them for being mentally ill by hotlines or other people are likely to be murdered before ever being imprisoned. 

So, if you’re a disability advocate, educate yourself and help us put an end to the torture and murder of mentally ill people.

[radiosandanime-deactivated20180]

FYI: the Trans Lifeline does not engage in active rescue, and will only contact rescue services with the caller’s consent.

http://www.translifeline.org/faq

[littlewagon-deactivated20190419]

^^^

Please support the Trans Lifeline!!

[mautlyn-deactivated20170727]

I had no idea that suicide hotlines called the police and I’m really glad that I saw this post. I’m sure I’ve reblogged/spread suicide hotline numbers which is upsetting in light of this info. I assume the online chat versions are safe?

[littlewagon-deactivated20190419]

According to crisischat.org, which is the online chat that the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline uses, no, they’re not safe. If anyone knows of any that are, please let me know so I can signal boost them.

[mautlyn-deactivated20170727]

aw shit, okay. this is extremely good to know.

[thatcoldboy]

Hmmm stop thinking about jumping off the balcony maybe??

Bonus points if I can stop thinking about hurting myself.