We're all just ships on a lonely ocean, tide out, and nobody ever sees the SOS blinking. Nothing ever matters, and some day we're gonna die. I thought I'd die at seventeen so why am I upset I'm not who middle school me wanted me to be. Sometimes we just make up fantasies to stop the pain and suffering of this world and cosmo. Once we've sll moved on mentally, we realize we slept the entirety of our lives away. Its kinda funny how I keep debating if someone's shy or if they just hate me. I feel like everyone is know is getting hooked up and wasted without me.
And maybe sex is overrated but nobody is ever gonna say that. It's also kinda funny how you vote for someone to vote for someone to vote for someone, and then that person is kinda evil but "they mean well". Fuck, if I keep on talking politics, you guys are gonna leave, you're probably over it. Then I'll just be Alexander Hamilton without the broadway musical and messy love life. Isn't this obvious? Am I insane? I should probably blame my parents, I learned from them. There might be two sides to anything that you say. Would you go running if you saw the real me? I mean maybe you like her, maybe you'd relate, but im not gonna ask because thats scary. Im practically made of adrenaline and fear. After years of this hellhole, Ive realized I've forgotten to die. I gotta walk the motions, I'm pretty damned alone in my headspace. Anyone who's brave enough to bother me always ends up dead. I'm just watching grass die, paint dry in summer heat, the same rhythm playing over and over again. That buzzing fills the entirety of my head, and i know that its out for blood but im not sharing. So i should just dig into the agony, ensuring to lose your mind. My future is living in torture and my past is still way behind in the neverending race of life. I'm running low on serotonin, maybe it's the chemical imbalance making me twist things. I should probably stabilize with medicine but there might be depth to the emotions. I can dig deeper but I can't hide from the corners of my brain, forever scared of what I am.
Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off, like jumping in front of a bus. How do I make that stop bothering me? I feel like my therapist just hates me and is letting me go crazy. Maybe if you put me in a field of daises it could work, or not, but maybe ill take some. I'm breaking down daily, except im the only one who can save myself. So i have to capitulate and cry like a fucking baby. I'm scared I'm gonna do something stupid but it gets draining, like my heart is failing in a race it could never dream to win. So every night i just think, but my inner voices say that it's not a big deal so I can just brush it off. I wish I was a stone so I couldnt feel anything, you could yell at me, and i wouldn't care. But then I wouldnt get to make up and smile. Nevermind, I dont wanna be a rock. Maybe if i was someone's favorite song, id just be there for everything, but like two or three minutes later id be gone.
Fuck, I wish i was God. Id never mess up, but it I did, who cares? But if i was God, it'd get kind of weird because everyone would only say the things that make me happy. Then they would die and love me to death...maybe I just wish I was me, whoever the hell that is. I could just exist without caring, without giving two shits. I'll be whatever makes people tolerate me, because I don't know who "me" is. I walk this nebula all by myself anyways. My voice doesnt say shit when I need help. Nobody gives a fuck about me, at least that's what I say when I'm alone, but it's true. Sometimes I'm upset I can't fall in love, but i guess not falling into it avoids the stress of falling right back out. Are you tired of me yet? Just turn off that plastic face, I can't think here. There's too many colors, it's literally driving me crazy. Are you dead? Sometimes I think im dead because I swear I feel ghosts everywhere. But I don't wanna fall asleep permanently yet. Sometimes my eyes go dark and I can't tell where my pupils went. Sometimes I feel like people could say "get a load of this monster who doesn't know how the hell to communicate. Her mind is in a completely different place, everyone should give her plenty of space to disassociate." But little do they know that maybe death could welcome. Time is slowly tracing everyone, but yet we feel at home here.
I can't really feel anything, did the pills do way too much? I havent caught uo with my friends back on earth, maybe they've moved on. The world feels way too big like a floating ball that's going snap at any moment along with my psyche? Maybe i just wanna see if you feel the same way as i do. Do you ever get a kittle bit tired of living, like youre not exactly happy but you don't wanna die? Like your hanging by a thread but you have to survive because you have to. Do you feel like your body is in a room but you're not all there? Like you're completely out of empathy and love even though it's been shown to you all the time? I'm tired of finding a repair to cope. Guess I'm just broken. Have I done my best on this plane of existence? Maybe ill be here next year too or these are just my best years yet? Yknow I was looking forward to being important but I'm not important. If you put this scene on a movie is that what they call a happy end? If the world decides to put me where I'm supposed to be, how will i know I've made it? It's so hard to live, why can't we skip to the good part? If there actually is a good part I hope it's not too far off because I hoped it'd be soon. My mom and dsd have a great life, but what the hell am I gonna do with mine? Theres so many things I wanna do but my body wont let me do them. I keep saying I'm busy but doing well.
My hideaway has become my ironic prison, so I can't escape being lonely. I wish I wouldn't have left. My mind keeps saying I'll stay on this broken path and if i fall off it'll figure out how to get me back by myself. Im not my friend, I'm my enemy, my number one absolute rival. My mind and me want different things but I'm praying that will change. I'm just a sad fuck, always self sabotaging and messing everything I do up to the point of no return. Im just in my emotions in my head way too much, but I don't wanna be that day. Sure i have bad nights but I'm not a bad person. Why do I always overthink when I close my eyes? I'm not saying I hate living, I just wish I was happy at least sometimes
Okay shout-out to anyone who can identify more than five song references in here.
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
yousharknotpass
areudirty
kaledo-art
ellievsbear
