I've slowly been chipping away at drawing scenes from that imaginary Muppet retelling of the Princess Bride, figured it was about time to share what I've drawn on Tumblr!
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I've slowly been chipping away at drawing scenes from that imaginary Muppet retelling of the Princess Bride, figured it was about time to share what I've drawn on Tumblr!
materialist-scumbag
Every few years a wellness magazine runs the same cover. Antioxidants, the little purple globe photographed with condensation on it, a coastline of blueberries under a word like SUPERFOOD. And the numbers do move. Americans went from eating something like four and a half pounds of fresh berries a head in the mid-nineties to almost ten by 2014, and the curve just kept climbing. 2011 to 2021 alone: strawberries up 45 percent, blueberries up 97, raspberries up an insane 192. Meanwhile apples moved 2 percent and oranges went DOWN 18. Fruit as a category is flat. Berries specifically detached from the pack and went vertical, and the magazines would like you to believe they did it, that they talked a nation into antioxidants and the nation obeyed.
They didn't. People have wanted ripe fruit since there were people. Wanting was never the constraint. The berry is the fruit that punishes wanting, it's the one that's gorgeous on Monday and fuzzy on Thursday, and a thing you can only enjoy in a two-week window near where it grew is a thing you never build a habit around. Consumption is habit. The magazine covers were possible because the supply side had already quietly solved the four problems that kept the berry a luxury for the whole prior history of the species: it rots, it bruises, it's seasonal, it's regional. Every one of those got engineered down to nothing in about two decades, and the health halo is just the noise the engine makes. Four problems, four different grubby little machines, and one of the machines is a piece of plastic.
Start with rots, because that's the deepest one, and the answer starts with Herbert Hoover.
In 1930 Hoover signed the Plant Patent Act, which for the first time let you own a plant, an actual specific cultivar, the way you'd own a song. This sounds like a footnote and it's the whole strawberry industry. A strawberry propagates by runner, you clone the good plant and now you have two good plants, which means historically the instant some grower bred a berry worth having so did his neighbor and the guy past him, because a runner doesn't care whose dirt it's in. Before 1930 a good strawberry was a gift to everyone who saw it. After 1930 it was property. And the company that understood this best was a couple of brothers-in-law in the Pajaro Valley named Reiter and Driscoll, whose whole corporate existence, everything they are, is downstream of that one signature.
Driscoll's is not a farm. Driscoll's barely touches dirt. Driscoll's owns the genetics, the patented cultivars, and it licenses them out to something over a thousand growers across twenty-some countries who plant Driscoll's plants and grow Driscoll's berries and hand them back to be sold in the Driscoll's package, and the growers keep the sale price minus the cut, and eat the frost, and eat the flood, and front the thirty grand an acre, while Driscoll's owns the one asset that can't be rained on, which is the patent. A senior VP said the quiet part into a reporter's tape recorder years ago: the growers, he said, are sort of like our manufacturing plants, we make the inventions, they assemble it, we market it, not so different from Apple. He's not being cynical. He really does think Driscoll's is Apple and the family farms are the Foxconn line, and the horrible thing is he's right, that IS the structure, he's just cheerful about it.
Once you see it as a software company that happens to smell like fruit, everything scans, including why they sue people. IP companies sue. There's a decade-plus of litigation against a couple of ex-UC-Davis breeders over whether they crossbred using Driscoll's patented varieties without a license, and it has the exact grain of any source-code theft case, breeding records subpoenaed, which parent plant infected which seedling, and the Driscoll's CEO keeps repeating that they don't SELL their plant material so there's no legitimate way anyone should have it, which is a sentence about berries that is entirely a sentence about intellectual property.
The berry is incidental. It was always incidental.
And the patent solved rots because a patent buys you a breeding program, and a breeding program is a shelf-life factory. You spend decades selecting for a strawberry that survives the truck to the East Coast, which was the holy grail nobody could reach, and Driscoll's cracked it around 1958, and the second you can own a shippable berry you have relocated an entire industry. Before that patented shippable variety, California was EIGHTH in strawberries. Arkansas had three times the acreage. There's a whole vanished Arkansas here, Bald Knob and McRae, box factories whose entire output was strawberry crates, cool caves where they stacked the crates to wait for a refrigerated train, and it all evaporated the moment you could grow a durable berry where the plant actually wants to live, which is the California coast, perpetual spring, no winter. Now California is 90 percent of the national crop and Arkansas is a historical marker. Rots and regional, the first problem and the fourth, both gone once the berry could be owned and shipped.
Now bruises, and this is the one I love, because the solution to bruises is a piece of garbage.
The vented plastic clamshell. That hinged transparent box your berries come in, the one you throw out without a thought, Driscoll's did that first and it may be a more important invention than any berry they ever bred.
Four jobs in one dumb thermoformed shell. It stacks, so the weight of the top box doesn't crush the bottom box, which is how the old pint basket murdered half its own fruit in transit. It vents, those little slots, so the water the berry sweats doesn't pool and rot the layer underneath, which is the thing that turned the bottom of every cardboard basket into a science experiment by the time you got it home. It's transparent, so you can see there's no fuzz before you buy, which quietly does the work that a hundred years of "trust the grocer" couldn't. And it survives the truck, it's structural, it takes the road so the berry doesn't.
And the clamshell is the perfect materialist object. Nobody feels anything about the clamshell. Nobody has ever formed a preference about it, nobody's brand-loyal to it, it has no cover story, no wellness angle, no origin myth, it is the single least romantic object in the entire produce section. And it moved more berries than every antioxidant think-piece ever printed, because it operates on the one variable marketing physically cannot touch, which is whether the thing was any good when you opened it at your kitchen counter.
A marketing campaign changes whether you reach for the box once. Whether you reach for it again next week, and the week after, that's habit, and habit is the only thing that turns a fruit into a grocery staple, and habit is decided at your kitchen counter when you open the box and nothing in it is furred with mold. You can talk someone into a first purchase. The standing order you have to earn, one un-mush clamshell at a time. The berry got a logo and the logo got the magazine covers, but the thing that turned a luxury into a standing weekly habit was the vented, stacking, see-through, road-worthy piece of plastic that got it home unmoldy.
So: rots, bruises, regional, all handled. Patent and breeding program for shelf life, the coast for climate, the clamshell for the road. Which leaves the last and hardest one, the one that no amount of California sun can fix, which is seasonal. Because even if you own the perfect berry and grow it in the perfect place and ship it in the perfect box, California goes dark in the winter. The plant sleeps. October to March the best strawberry ground on earth gives you nothing, and you cannot build a daily national habit around a fruit that vanishes for five months. A staple has to be THERE. In February. Always.
Which is where this stops being an American story and becomes a story about two other countries, and one of them had to become a certain kind of country first.
Strawberries first, because that one's just NAFTA on a delay fuse. US tariffs on fresh Mexican strawberries ended in 1994, frozen phased out by the 2003 crop, and if the tariff were the whole story the flood would've come in 1994. It didn't. Pre-NAFTA imports were about 32 million dollars; a decade later they'd only crept to 70; then they detonated to 842 million by 2019. Twenty-five-fold, but on a ten-year delay, and the delay is the entire point. The tariff coming off didn't conjure strawberries, it just opened a door, and Mexico then spent a decade physically building the thing that could walk through it: the greenhouses, the hoop houses, the licensed shippable genetics, the ejido land privatizing so the parcels could consolidate into export operations. By the time it matured, right in that mid-2000s-to-2010s window where the American per-capita curve bends upward, Mexico could put a strawberry in a US store in January. The winter half of the calendar filled in. And a shopper who used to buy strawberries in June and forget them till next June now buys them in January, and that's not a change in taste dressed as one, that's a change in the shelf.
But the strawberry is durable and grows lots of places. The blueberry is the harder, better story, which is why blueberries beat strawberries almost two to one in that decade, and to tell it you have to explain a piece of received botanical wisdom and then watch a company break it on purpose.
The blueberry is a Northern plant, and everyone knew, KNEW, that it needed winter. Chill hours, the trade calls it, a required stretch of hours below about 45 degrees, a cold dormancy the plant has to bank before it'll fruit. This was doctrine. It's why nobody thought the blueberry could ever fill the winter gap the way the strawberry did, because the places with a Northern-Hemisphere winter are exactly the places that are ALSO in winter when you need berries. The cold that the plant needs and the cold that empties the shelf are the same cold. So the gap looked unfillable.
Enter, of all places, Mississippi. In 1998 the USDA's research station in Poplarville, working with Mississippi State, released a southern highbush blueberry called Biloxi, bred for the no-winter American Deep South, engineered to fruit on almost no chill at all, under 150 hours, basically none. It was a parochial little fix for a parochial Gulf-Coast problem, ripen before the local rabbiteye berries. And then a breeder noticed something. There's a lovely first-person account of Biloxi turning up as the only variety bearing fruit in a test plot in Mexico, a place with essentially no chill, where by all doctrine it should have sat there dormant and sulking, and instead it was covered in berries. The plant simply did not need the winter everyone said it needed.
And that quiet fact, an American public breeding program solving a Mississippi problem, became the seed of an entire industry on another continent, in a desert, run by a dictatorship's leftover economics.
Because now follow the plant south. If you have a blueberry that doesn't need cold, then the ideal place to grow it is somewhere with no frost, no rain to rot the fruit, relentless sun, and a growing calendar that runs opposite to the Northern Hemisphere, so you fruit in THEIR winter.
That place is the coast of Peru. The northern coastal desert, some of the driest ground on the planet, dust and sea and nothing, is now the blueberry capital of the world. Peru grew essentially zero blueberries before 2008. It went from 80 hectares in 2012 to 17,500 by 2022, roughly 70 percent growth a year, every year, for a decade. Exports to the US alone went from 14,000 tons in 2016 to 121,000 by 2021. In 2024 the country blew past 326,000 tons, 1.7 billion dollars. About half the fresh blueberries an American now eats come from a desert that grew none of them when the first iPhone shipped.
But a desert grows nothing. That's what "desert" means. So the last question is the water: where it came from, and who arranged the country so that the water and the land would end up in the right hands. The National Geographic version soft-pedals this into a plucky-entrepreneurs story.
The berries grow in La Libertad, in the valleys named Chao, Virú, Moche, Chicama, and the reason anything grows there is a colossal state irrigation works called Chavimochic, which diverts the Santa River off the Andes and runs it 80-odd kilometers along the desert to turn sand into farmland, tens of thousands of hectares of new ground that had never grown anything because it had never had water. The infrastructure went in from 1986 to 1990. And the occupation of that new land, the handing of it out, really started in 1994, and it happened under Alberto Fujimori, and it happened the Fujimori way. He'd deregulated agriculture, rolled back the labor protections, thrown the doors open to foreign investment, and by the early 2000s roughly eleven agribusiness firms controlled most of the newly watered desert. The state made the land with a river and a canal, and then a strongman's economics made sure the land arrived as large consolidated export estates rather than as anything smaller or more distributed. Camposol, the biggest blueberry exporter on earth, is a Chavimochic company. The berry in your February clamshell grows on desert that a 1990s authoritarian liberalization turned into private export ground and a Mississippi seedling turned into a blueberry farm.
And you can see the whole cost structure if you look at who picks it. A Camposol picker makes around the Peruvian minimum, something like 275 to 310 dollars a month, and the reporting has the line that lands the whole thing: a picker's daily wage barely covers three packs of blueberries in a New York store. When a 2021 agrarian law added a 30 percent wage bonus, the reporting says the companies leaned on picking quotas, the "priority orders," to claw it back the other way. And the water that makes the desert bloom is being pumped out of an aquifer faster than it refills, in a region where the town's own drinking supply isn't guaranteed, so the whole arrangement is running partly on time it's borrowing from the ground.
Okay so, put the whole machine back together. It's beautiful the way a slaughterhouse is beautiful. I mean it works. You reach into a grocery cooler in New Jersey in February and there is a clamshell of ripe blueberries and a clamshell of ripe strawberries, unbruised, unmoldy, cheap, and you think, vaguely, that this is because berries are healthy and you've been eating better. What's actually holding that box in front of you is: a 1930 patent law that turned a plant into property; an Apple-shaped company that owns the genetics and rents out the farming and the risk; a breeding program grinding out a berry tough enough for the road; a piece of vented plastic that beat the mold the pint basket never could; a 1994 tariff schedule that took a decade to cash out as Mexican winter strawberries; a Mississippi seedling that didn't need the winter everybody swore it needed; a Peruvian coastal desert; a river diverted 80 kilometers by a state megaproject; a dictator's land-and-labor economics from the nineties; and a picker earning three clamshells a day.
The magazine says antioxidants. Antioxidants are the cover story, the part that flatters you, and they cost the magazine nothing to print because the actual apparatus, the patent office and the vented plastic and the diverted river and the picker on three clamshells a day, had already quietly done the work and asked no one's opinion of it. You were going to buy the February berry either way. It was there.
okay, for those interested, here is a full timeline of how we got to Count Binface:
1977: Star Wars is released, featuring, of course, Darth Vader
(Pictured: Darth Vader)
1984: Director Todd Durham releases his Star Wars parody movie, Hyperspace, featuring Darth Vader inspired villain Lord Buckethead.
(Pictured: Hyperspace poster featuring two Jawa-esque aliens flying through space in a shopping trolley.)
1987: Hyperspace is released on video in the UK, under the new title Gremloids.
(Pictured: Gremloids cover in the style of the original Star Wars poster, featuring Lord Buckethead.)
To promote the film, Mike Lee, the owner of the distributing company, ran for parliament as Lord Buckethead. He ran in Margaret Thatcher's constituency, Finchley, in order to get on TV. Lord Buckethead was representing the Gremloids party.
(Pictured: Lord Buckethead on TV with Margaret Thatcher.)
1992: Gremloids is re-released. Lord Buckethead rides again, this time against prime minister John Major in Huntingdon. (Here's a fun fact about Huntingdon: I was born there! :D) 87/92 Buckethead seems to have leaned pretty hard into the space supervillain thing, with campaign promises including 'demolish Birmingham to build a spaceport'.
(Pictured: Lord Buckethead on TV with John Major. Other notable candidates include Screaming Lord Sutch of the Monster Raving Loony Party.)
2017: comedian Jon Harvey, having recently watched Gremloids and learned of Lord Buckethead's candidacy for parliament, decides it's a great bit. He runs against Theresa May in Maidenhead. 2017 Buckethead seems to have a wackier and also more political approach, with campaign promises ranging from nonsense like 'nationalise Adele' to gesturing at actually sensible policies with stuff like 'lower the voting age to 16 and restrict voting after age 80'.
He also made an appearance on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. As with his previous incarnation, he was a member of the Gremloids party.
(Pictured: Lord Buckethead dabbing on stage with Theresa May.)
2018: Director Todd Durham asserts his legal ownership of Lord Buckethead. Jon Harvey opted not to go to court over Buckethead and handed over the reins. Todd Durham extended an invitation to anyone who wanted to be the 'authorised' Lord Buckethead.
(Pictured: the new Lord Buckethead.)
2019: Lord Buckethead, now played by journalist David Hughes, stood against Boris Johnson in Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He ran for the Monster Raving Loony Party, the UK's pre-existing gag candidate party. He ran with a similarly silly manifesto as the 2017 incarnation, but with a bit less of a political edge. His promises included 'All doorways to be increased by 1 foot (30 cm) in height' and 'Nigel Farage to be sold for parts'.
(Pictured: Lord Buckethead and Count Binface square up.)
Meanwhile, Jon Harvey in his new persona Count Binface, also ran against Boris Johnson. Buckethead and Binface face off! Binface ran as an independent with a manifesto once again blending silly and semi-serious promises such as 'nationalising model railways' and 'giving £1 trillion a week to the NHS'. This was also I believe the debut of his promise to 'move the hand dryer in the men's toilet at Uxbridge's Crown and Treaty pub to a more sensible position'.
(Pictured: Count Binface presenting the offending hand dryer, inconveniently close to both the sink and the urinals.)
He has a point.
2021: Count Binface runs for the position of Mayor of London for the first time, with promises such as 'London to join the European Union'. He notably finished ahead of far right party UKIP.
2023: Count Binface runs in the Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election following Boris Johnson's resignation. He once again gets more votes than UKIP.
May 2024: Count Binface once again runs to be Mayor of London, debuting his now iconic 'build at least one affordable house' promise. Notably, he finished ahead of far right party Britain First.
(Pictured: Count Binface with Rishi Sunak. Also pictured: Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Sir Archibald Stanton with a ventriloquist's dummy.)
July 2024: Count Binface stands in the general election, running in Richmond and Northallerton against prime minister Rishi Sunak. He debuts his promise to cap the price of 99p flakes at 99p. This is his most successful election to date with 308 votes.
(Pictured: Count Binface with Andy Burnham. Also pictured: independent candidate Robert Pownell, dressed as a fox for his own reasons.)
June 2026: Count Binface stands in the Makerfield by-election against Andy Burnham, (recently) former Mayor of Manchester running for parliament with the intention of standing in the Labour Party leadership contest.
(Pictured: Count Binface on BBC's Newsnight.)
July 2026 (this week): Count Binface announces his intention to run against Nigel Farage in the upcoming Clacton by-election. He is briefly the only other candidate in the race and by the time other candidates announce themselves the narrative of 'Nigel Farage vs Count Binface' has already bedded in. And then it was now, and then I don't know what happened.
there's something so deeply dystopian to me how tech companies don't understand that a forced convenience is not a convenience at all. i'm sure autocorrect is helpful for many, but a function that forcibly changes my actual written words and punctuation is taking away my language. photo filters can be nice but i need to choose using them myself or else i have lost the ability to take the picture i want. i don't want a machine to draw or write for me. taking away the option for me to do things manually feels like violence!!!! all this talk of endless opportunity, why are you RESTRICTING me
disgustedly throws youtube autodubbing onto the pyre pile
oh my fucking god
Cannot stand the trend of censoring any and all words that describe concepts that might make you go :( especially when the censoring is done in that quarter-assed way that's just 'did a lil scribble over a vowel so you know that I know this word describes a no-no."
I'm not even going to be vague about what sparked this. Do not fucking censor the word 'stole.' I'm at my fucking limit.
btw i live on nailpolish reddit nowadays
and everyone is posting their 4th of july manis
except this year its very few american flags and red white and blue and stars.
and a LOT of pond scum inspiration
This is an absolutely FASCINATING cultural snapshot.
my disservice dog is trying to lick the salt off my mall pretzel
so my favorite boba tea kiosk in the mall was completely gone just a patch of empty floor which is very sad BUT I got this adorable pokemon stationary at a store that just opened up in the old joanns so I think we can call this a successful outing
OP sorry to crash your post but was your favourite boba kiosk the boba yaga thing???
As in, from this post that's been going around?
💬 273 🔁 26558 ❤️ 29393 · SMALL UPDATE · Still haven't heard back from the unemployment office, but a few days ago I ended up telling this
yeah so fun fact when I saw that post last week(?) I went ha ha what if that's my local mall. what if that's my favorite boba place at my local mall. sure looks like mall floor. but that's silly because all mall floor looks like mall floor! there's so many malls! there's no way it's my mall!
turns out
it was definitely my favorite boba place at my favorite mall. I sent op an ask with this photo when I was leaving the mall earlier (I don't think they've seen it yet but I was astounded)
you guys would all have loved my (not on tumblr) spouses reaction when he went "oh no the kiosk is gone" and I immediately said LOST JOB FROM TUMBLR?!?
we went to a different tea place by the new store in the old joanns building and I read him the whole saga aloud while we sat and had our drinks
Thaddeus Holownia
Playing on a seesaw
[eng by me]
vulture culture
me: do I need to schedule around my CT scan next week? what if they have to sedate me and I can't drive afterward- me: ... me: I'm not a dog. I will probably be cooperative with the CT scan and not bite the tech.