Private Fears

How little we know about those around us and what they carry. We are not defined by our fears, but I believe they cut to the core of our being in a way that most other feelings do not. Our fears are held closely, and while some elements are held in common, the experience of them is intensely personal and often isolating. I've asked complete strangers to share their secrets and be photographed. Some find it cathartic, going out on a limb and finding that they do not fall. Perhaps these small insights will spark a bit of empathy, a suspension of judgement for those who sometimes respond in unexpected ways. That is my hope.

[thingswecarry]

Phoenix

I am afraid that one day I will remember my car accident. I have ten metal plates and thirty metal screws in my face, but nothing compares to if I could remember what happened. I was lucky to have made it, because the driver did not.

[thingswecarry]

Myrna

My greatest fear is that my children will suffer from depression. They are 21 and 18, and although they are very independent, intelligent, and mature, I still fear it might hit them, like it did me. 

I lost my life when my depression hit. I lost my health, my job, my marriage, my family, my mind, my being. I know my children are strong and resourceful. But so was I.

[thingswecarry]

Femi

Talking about fears is always easier when you can hide behind metaphors and cute rhymes. But if you asked me about them, I'd tell you 'My fears rhyme with the word fraud'.

I'm scared that deep inside, I'm just a failure hoping she can prove the world wrong.  Every moment of great confidence that I have is often followed by an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty and doubt. I fear that my efforts will eventually go to waste. That I will never be able to live up to the potential people see in me. I fear that one day, the world will see who I really am and at that moment, all I've built up will fall apart.

[thingswecarry]

Shea

I feel fear in my gut as a pit of despair, a pit that arises with inaction. The pit where I procrastinate every day until my life ends. This is my worst fear. The fear of inaction. Yet I am in paralysis.

[thingswecarry]

Elle

I was a single mother of four children. At various times I've been disowned by each of them. Currently, my youngest daughter of almost 26 has disowned me to the point of wiping me out of her life. My greatest fear is that I will never see her again, hug her again, talk with her again.

[thingswecarry]

Ashley

I’m afraid that I don’t deserve to be happy; that as my life finally starts to come together and make sense, I will die and that my entire life was just some cosmic joke. That once I finally begin to live authentically and heal from my traumas, my life will end.

[thingswecarry]

Taylor

I’m afraid of falling into an Adderall addiction again. I’ve been clean for just over three months (after five years), but even yesterday when I was feeling bad about my body I thought about renewing my prescription. And sure, I could, but it might play out the same way; the whole bottle gone in less than a week. Awake the entire time, trying to lose as much weight as possible. Running thirty miles in the middle of the night, no food, aggressive dancing, hallucinations. 

What am I really afraid of? The boy I liked in fourth grade said I had thunder thighs. My sister said I had a double chin. Maybe this amphetamine addiction was a roundabout way of trying to feel loved, to feel alive. So right now I’m nudging myself to accept the weight I’ve gained since I quit. I work as a nude life model for art classes, which is hard to do when I am at war with how I look. So I purposefully sought out my biggest fear and made it my job.

[thingswecarry]

Maria

I am afraid that my career is over. That the emails stopped coming, or the sales stopped happening, not because of the recent events in my life that kept me from working full force, but because my work isn’t truly good. That I am a one hit wonder that will soon fizzle into some not-very-present memory. I’m washed up; I’m over. My art is weak; my statements aren’t smart enough; all that I have been working for was for nothing. In the end, no one really cared. I’m afraid that devoting my life to art was all along a ridiculous idea—just an illusion—and I was just a fool for pursuing it.

[thingswecarry]

Melody

I'm afraid there is something intrinsically wrong with me. My mother has lived an isolated existence, chasing everyone away by virtue of being herself. I fear I will do the same.

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Mirjana

I'm afraid that I'm too weird. I had a strange, unhappy childhood; my family deeply isolated itself from mainstream culture, so my whole world was old books. As a result, I speak, think, and act very differently from what people expect from a female twenty-something. At the same time, I know that the only thing worth pursuing in life is love: constantly learning to love everything – every individual person, each atom of the universe, every heartbeat – as deeply as its Creator loves it. The problem is, being deeply eccentric closes so many doors. If you have no idea how to relate to someone, how can you love them? I only want one thing in life, but it feels impossible because of choices my parents made decades ago.

[thingswecarry]

Makayla

I’m terrified of my ultra conservative family discovering my bisexuality. I’m also afraid of disconnection. I tell myself I’m not ready to settle down with one person, I need variety, I’m too independent, I’m still finding myself. It’s all true, but it’s also a barrier. When I find myself getting close to truly loving someone, I end up self-sabotaging. Being vulnerable is an experience that connects us, but once we are hurt, nobody is willing to open up again, to trust completely.  Relationships start to become more meaningless, surface level, or all about sex.  I fear a world full of people using each other; I fear the fact that I am one of those people. No matter my intentions or how aware I am, I disconnect and choose control over love every time.

[thingswecarry]

Jessica

I want to be a person with courage, bravery and serenity. To be that person, I must search my soul, admit my faults and change my self destructive ways. But I am afraid that if I admit my faults, someone will use them against me. Just like he did.

He took every one of my deepest, darkest, most frightening fears, my most shameful mistakes, my most secret insecurities and found a way to use each of them against me to the world. It was the ultimate betrayal. Just because I made a choice to start a journey to be a better person.

[thingswecarry]

Rick

I am most afraid of people seeing the real me and being shocked by the depth of my depression. I put up a great façade so nobody sees what’s inside.

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Carolyn

Sometimes I am afraid of becoming severely depressed. I have been crippled by depression before in the past. Now that I have son, I try to keep it at bay. 

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Aaryn

I am afraid that my daughters will be disappointed in me as a father when they grow up.

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Mary

I am afraid to take chances for fear of failure.  I had a great idea and the ability to do something amazing and I failed (hugely).  Now I can’t take the first step to put my skills to use and try something new for fear of failing.  Again.

[thingswecarry]

Amanda

I have been secretly afraid of allowing my facial hair to be present on my face.  I am a woman who started growing a mustache around ten years old.  I am now in my thirties and it has expanded to a full-blown beard.  Currently, I have been letting it grow for three months. For the other twenty-plus years I plucked, waxed, received laser treatments, took pills, and shaved.