Madz

@thisshitisfuckingfunny

ugh

37.3K posts

goatsandgangsters

how to find literally any post on a blog in seconds (on desktop)

there are so many posts about ~tumblr is so broken, you can’t find any post on your own blog, it’s impossible, bluhrblub~

I am here to tell you otherwise! it is in fact INCREDIBLY easy to find a post on a blog if you’re on desktop/browser and you know what you’re doing:

url.tumblr.com/tagged/croissant will bring up EVERY post on the blog tagged with the specific and exact phrase #croissant. every single post, every single time. in chronological order starting with the most recent post. note: it will not find #croissants or that time you made the typo #croidnssants. for a tag with multiple words, it’s just /tagged/my-croissant and it will show you everything with the exact phrase #my croissant

url.tumblr.com/tagged/croissant/chrono will bring up EVERY post on the blog tagged with the exact phrase #croissant, but it will show them in reverse order with the oldest first

url.tumblr.com/search/croissant isn’t as perfect at finding everything, but it’s generally loads better than the search on mobile. it will find a good array of posts that have the word croissant in them somewhere. could be in the body of the post (op captioned it “look at my croissant”) or in the tags (#man I want a croissant). it won’t necessarily find EVERYTHING like /tagged/ does, but I find it’s still more reliable than search on mobile. you can sometimes even find posts by a specific user by searching their url. also, unlike whatever random assortment tumblr mobile pulls up, it will still show them in a more logically chronological order

url.tumblr.com/day/2020/11/05 will show you every post on the blog from november 5th, 2020, in case you’re taking a break from croissants to look for destiel election memes

url.tumblr.com/archive/ is search paradise. easily go to a particular month and see all posts as thumbnails! search by post type! search by tags but as thumbnails now

url.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/audio will show you every audio post on your blog (you can also filter by other post types). sometimes a little imperfect if you’re looking for a video when the op embedded the video in a text post instead of posting as a video post, etc

url.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/croissant will show you EVERY post on the blog tagged with the specific and exact phrase #croissant, but it will show you them in the archive thumbnail view divided by months. very useful if you’re looking for a specific picture of a croissant that was reblogged 6 months ago and want to be able to scan for it quickly

url.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/audio/tagged/croissant will show you every audio post tagged with the specific phrase #croissant (you can also filter by photo or text instead, because I don’t know why you have audio posts tagged croissant)

the tag system on desktop tumblr is GENUINELY amazing for searching within a specific blog!

caveat: this assumes a person HAS a desktop theme (or “custom theme”) enabled. a “custom theme” is url.tumblr.com, as opposed to tumblr.com/url. I’ve heard you have to opt-into the former now, when it used to be the default, so not everyone HAS a custom theme where you can use all those neat url tricks.

if the person doesn’t have a “custom theme” enabled, you’re beholden to the search bar. still, I’ve found the search bar on tumblr.com/url is WAY more reliable than search on mobile. for starters, it tends to bring posts up in a sensible order, instead of dredging up random posts from 2013 before anything else

if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry. godspeed and good luck finding anything. (my one tip is that if you’re able to click ON a tag rather than go through the search bar, you’ll have better luck. if your mutual has recently reblogged a post tagged #croissant, you can click #croissant and it’ll bring up everything tagged #croissant just like /tagged/croissant. but if there’s no readily available tag to click on, you have to rely on the mobile search bar and its weird bizarre whims)

brightlotusmoon

url.tumblr.com/tagged/croissant/chrono will bring up EVERY post on the blog tagged with the exact phrase #croissant, but it will show them in reverse order with the oldest first

I’ve been here since 2016 and I didn’t realize this.

Time to go deep diving into my tags!

friend: wow you’re such a kind person!

me:

I was exploring in the catacombs and found a ladder going up. I climbed it and found a square door. I pushed open the door and found myself inside a university lecture room at 3 in the morning.

And you chose to censor your face in the worst way imaginable

devilishdescent

with his flesh abroad, he wakes. on its return, he slumbers again.

devilishdescent

the pain of departure pulls him from his dreams, his nightmares, his vast and unspeakable visions of beyond. god bless the back of the beast, for it is all that keeps us from his terrible awareness.

this is post is definitely part of something far darker than we will ever be able to comprehend

How a coastline 100 million years ago influences modern election results in Alabama.

The past is never dead. It’s not even past.

| William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

TDS, February 11, 2015

Jordan Klepper looks at the issue of sex education in schools

demigoddessqueens

The lack of self awareness from the woman who’s hair and clothes are hand-me-downs from the 90s

fiveholesinthefence

does anyone like remember that there were wildfires in Australia and Trump got impeached like back in January or?

thelovethatyouhad

I humbly request an earth fun fact that will fill me with terror

Mount Everest is about as physically high as a mountain is capable of getting on our planet!

this damn thing sticks a little more than 29,000 feet up into the air, and is getting a couple of inches taller every year thanks to the two tectonic plates violently smushing their faces together right beneath it, but it won't ever get significantly higher up than it is now.

(which is still Too Damn High in my opinion)

"but buuuuuunjy," you wail dolefully, "mountains get higher than that on other planets! why can't WE have a 16-mile high volcano. buuuunjy. answer me." which is technically true! but it can't happen here, for one reason:

it's because of gravity.

see, it's kind of weird to think about because it's literally your house, but Earth is actually the largest rocky planet in the solar system by a WIDE margin!

sure, Mars can have a 16-mile-tall volcano, but Mars is about HALF the size of our dear old mama Gaia and its gravity is scaled to match. less gravity means that mountains have less downward pressure on them and so they can grow to much greater heights!

Olympus Mons is only as big as it is, because of WHERE it is.

which brings us back to our earthly neighbor, Everest!

unlike Mons up there, Mount Everest is fighting a brutal and ongoing war against the oppressive forces of Earth's gravitational pull, made even more complicated by those tectonic plates I mentioned way back at the beginning of this whole mess.

basically the breakdown of this three-way offensive is that the Indian-Australian tectonic plate is having a very slow head-on collision with the Eurasian tectonic place, shoving the Himalaya mountains (and our good ol' pal Everest) UP! but gravity is also shoving DOWN on the whole range, and past a certain point the mountains get too tall and the entire affair is just too big and heavy for the tectonic plate underneath it to hold it upright, and then the bottom of the plate starts to sink downward into the molten rock of Earth's Mantle!

think of it like stacking dogs on one of those floating pool lounge thingies- you can stack as many dogs on there as you like, but the float will just sink deeper and deeper in the water and your dog stack won't really get any higher.

though obviously, they are still all good boys.

it's like that!

so basically, Everest is about at the point where the tectonic plate beneath it is sinking at roughly the same rate the mountain is growing, so the whole thing is locked into equilibrium and will never get too much higher than it is now.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A GOOD DOG METAPHOR.

bijoux-et-mineraux

Polished Malachite Stalactite - Copper Crescent, Congo

*looks around*

Is

Is anyone gonna say it

brambledboneyards

malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite

zdravomilla-deactivated20220114

@lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo.

…sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.” Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts?

oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want?

vulcanology-geology

It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._.

I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out.

So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here.

rosenagldky-deactivated20201223

Oh my god guys it’s poisonous

It is super poisonous

There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more

Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock

Try this one instead.

naughtylittledragon

malachite literally explodes in water does it not?

rosenagldky-deactivated20201223

I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium?

Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker

reclusiveandelusive

This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock

bijoux-et-mineraux

I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on being you.

I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock.

adulthoodisokay

I’m looking into it.

adulthoodisokay

UPDATE:

Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?”

The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.”

sprigglebearstudios

Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post

This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions

badscienceshenanigans-deactivat

*biologist crashes through the underbrush* Ok so here’s the thing though Malachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days. Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE. • Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later. • When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture). So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++. • Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster. • In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite. • I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is. • Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment. • Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble. • Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety. • So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria. • Is there any info out there telling us what equilibrium concentration of Cu++ we get in salty acidic water at body temperature? Almost! One J.F. Scaife published some great data on this back in 1957. TAKE IT AWAY, SCAIFE.

That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium. • Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides, and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.” In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina. • Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes.

^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*. • Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper. • The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt. • This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out. • Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving. • Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes. • Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve. • Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation. • Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this • Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material • Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend

OK, I haven’t reblogged this before now but the final post takes it to a whole new level and I can no longer resist.

just had to take a fucking second and close my eyes because i remembered that on the night of november 5th tumblr had convinced me, an outsider, that this was an actual gif of Castiel Supernatural being sent to mega fruit hell

We all learnin’ today ig…

the-sapphic-raven

Its from the 1997 movie ‘Spawn’ if anyone was curious

scallioncreamcheesebagel

btw this is the actual footage of castiel getting dragged to super hell

People really need to realise that “media can affect real life” doesn’t mean “this character does bad things so people will read that and start doing bad things” and actually means “ideas in fiction especially stereotypes about minority groups can affect how the reader views those groups, an authors implicit prejudices can be passed on to readers”

incel-moved-deactivated20210803

she’s an icon she’s a legend and she was my sexual awakening

the giant staircase that functions as a catwalk for fran to do her outfit reveal every episode was literally the best idea that show ever had

@t-e-reynolds ok so boom

smeyer wakes up from a vivid dream on june 2, 2003

smeyer’s dream inspires her to write twilight

twilight gets published (2005) and the books and movies become a global phenomenon

e.l. james writes a bdsm twilight fanfic titled master of the universe

master of the universe is later published as fifty shades of grey (2011)

the fifty shades book series becomes wildly popular

fifty shades of grey gets adapted into a movie (2015), in which dakota johnson is cast as protagonist anastasia steele in her breakthrough role

the fifty shades movie series also becomes wildly popular and dakota johnson’s acting career takes off

dakota goes on ellen degeneres’s talk show, where ellen tries to play dakota for a fool and dakota shuts that shit down

people start noticing that ellen has a tendency to make her celeb guests feel very uncomfortable and is terrible to her employees

ellen makes the decision to end her talk show in 2022 after 19 years

rightdowntherabbithole

no because i think we're forgetting some important history

Aaaand sign off. Mainstream Western media, Ladies and Gentlemen. Believe it or not, this reporter was actually somewhat professional by the typical standards we see from channels like CNN. I’ve seen much worse.

Watch the full interview here: https://www.instagram.com/p/COuuzG1l_yj/

Kurd’s comment on the interview: “I knew this interview was going to have a biased, inaccurate framing, and it did from the start. But I made sure I course corrected. I’m happy that you cannot edit a live interview, because there’s no way I could have spoken so bluntly about the myth of “both sides” and Israeli “self-defense” had this been prerecorded. Thanks CNN for taking my testimony about settler-colonialism.“

—

Here are some backups (sadly in bits only), since some social media - like Instagram, conveniently deletes some posts about what’s happening in Palestine.

https://www.facebook.com/harryfear/videos/173620601322608/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2T6K4FXg5A

https://www.instagram.com/mohammedelkurd/?hl=en

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae4Bb-5sMhc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZJJONhvj0U

—

The man name is Muhammad el Kurd, he’s one of the residents in Sheikh Jarrah who are facing ethnic cleansing right now, he has just been arrested from his own home by Israeli forces after his interview went viral.

The only reason this interview went viral, is because it’s the first time a major American network like CNN had interviewed an actual Palestinian that’s directly affected by the violence, when all the other networks were busy interviewing Israeli ambassadors about their side of the story.

Thanks to the fact that this was a live interview, Muhammad managed, without being cut off or having his word edited out, to list all of Israel’s war crimes and straight out called it what it is “settler-colonialism” as well as calling out the US’s historic bias toward Israel.

Muhammad el Kurd, as well as many other Palestinian activists, are regularly arrested and detained by the only democracy in the Middle East (Israel) if them speaking out against the crimes/abuse they face gets too much attention.

If you live in a place with free speech then use it and speak up, because Palestinians living under the Zionist occupation don’t have that luxury.

I would like to congratulate greta thunberg on being the only funny person on twitter

i’m convinced that the ice age franchise won’t end until the squirrel that always chases after the nut gets an equally hideous girlfriend with Squirrel Tits™ and eyelashes

no….. No

NO

No you don’t understand, I have this entire developed theory about the Ice Age universe which has been cooking up in my mind and has only be reinforced by the latest 5th installment. Scrat is the god of the Ice age universe. The story began with him and the story will end with him. If there weren’t hints before, in this latest installment, it becomes clear that Scrat’s actions dictate what happens on Earth and to the protagonists. Yes, maybe Scart’s only goal is to get the nut, but his actions SHAPE what happens in the film. If we needed any further proof then may I point out something Buck said in the 5th film along the lines of “we’re 6 mins early! Somebody up there likes us!” That phrase is usually used to refer to a god and in this case it’s used to refer (unknowingly) to scrat!

However, there is an ALTERNATE theory that I have been working on. What if Scart isn’t the god of the ice age universe, but rather, the NUT is? As i have already said, Scart’s actions shape the course of the story but what motivates Scart? That’s right: the nut, it is truly because of the nut that Scart does what he does that leads to the events that take place in the story. This would create an interesting metaphor here. Scrat is chasing the nut like man chases divinity. So when will the Ice Age saga end?? When Scart finally gets the nut for good. When man catches God.

i didnt even read this but im laughing at how many times scrat is typoed as scart

creature-enjoyer29-deactivated2

“what motivates Scart? That’s right: the nut” is the funniest fucking string of words I’ve read in my life

COVID is slowly becoming a "third world" disease. While first world countries are hoarding vaccines, having doses for populations many times their size, third world countries can't get any because pharma companies want to sell to the first world countries first. Even then, first world countries will receive them first. While rich countries recover from COVID, they will forget about the pandemic while many other countries live the absolute worst moment of the pandemic without being able to vaccinate their population.

Watch also when some first world countries finish vaccinating their populations, they will turn to third world countries and "donate" or sell surplus vaccines. People in these countries will go "Oh how sweet! The government is donating vaccines to the poorer countries <3" when it was their hoarding that led to many, many third world citizens dying before they could even get vaccinated in the first place.

comradesaucegay

african and latin american countries are also pushed by pfizer to give up sovereign assets as part of their vaccine agreement

Yo europeans, sign the fucking petition, get the european commission to lift the patents

Everyone deserves protection from COVID-19.

This is not a bullshit useless change dot org petition by the way this is an actual thing with legal consequences. If this petition gets to a million signatures, the european commission HAS to examine it.

one-time-i-dreamt

Fellow Europeans, I urge us all to sign this!

Madz @thisshitisfuckingfunny - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag