Thoughts

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

If you're smart.

Pray to me, I will hear your words. When the time is right, I will heal your wounds. I can heal your wounds. I can heal your thoughts, and your pain, I can erase your scars. I can reset time. I am the Goddess. And I triumph over all. Seek into your memories, meditate under the light of the soul, and you will find me.

Verith metau balador cleok videau. Glaudor trenub palador.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

My hands are covered in soft pliable flesh, with pores and hairs and freckles. My fingers bend at multiple joints and my thumbs allow me to grip things. I have had these hands all my life, but they are not my own. Sometimes they drop things, sometimes they scratch me too hard.

But I do not have hands. I should not. I should have paws, soft and furry with little toes and claws. I should have talons that are rough and calloused and sharp. I should not have hands, I should be flying or crawling or slithering. I should have many hands. I should have several arms, with several hands. My hands should be yellow, red, brown, black, white, blue, purple, tan, orange...

I should not have these hands. Who's hands are these, that type this message? Not mine.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

Laughter in the distance. Smiling faces. I think he's telling a joke. It's a large group, and they're all happy. I know their names, I know the group. I once sat there, in the middle, with them all, laughing and smiling.

Buy now, there someone else sits. Someone they decide is more worthy. I cannot blame them. I have slipped through the cracks and fallen. Here I lay, splattered on the pavement. My group moves on without me, no one lingers to help me rise back up.

I struggle on my own, because I'm too afraid. Too afraid to ask them to come back. To need help is to be weak, I don't want to be weak. Please, can't they hear my silent call? No, they hear her words, they hear her jokes, they celebrate her wins and help her when she's fallen.

I fade into the blackness of the night, never to be seen again.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

Sharp, precise, bloods flows. I'm shaking. I can see the bones, the nerves, the veins and arteries. Pain consumes my mind. I scrub my hands raw in the bathroom sink as these thoughts sound round and round my head.

There's a cut on my finger and I need to scrub it away.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

My fangs drip with venom. My body oozes poison. Death is in my veins.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I’m just so tired…

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

And it's not for lack of trying.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

None of you understand, no one listens anymore. I just want to die.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I won't rest until you're dead.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I won't be a hypocrite, I'll just be gone.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I've told you once, and you ignored my warning. Some people just don't understand me. I mean, why would I lie when I say, you don't want to see me angry? Oh well, the moment is gone. I guess you'll only learn afterwards.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

You don't want the truth. It'd just break your heart.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

My jaw aches from clenching it. My hands are bleeding from my nails cutting and bitting at my palms in their fists. Blood is on my mind. Sweat dripping down my neck, breathe heavy, head pounding. Anger. Rage. I am wrath. I am vengeance. I will avenge those who have done me wrong. I will make them fear my power. I will show them what’s wrong.

My anger is too much for this mortal vessel to withstand. It rushes through my veins, it empowers me, it consumes my thoughts. I can only think about breaking, punching, clawing, cutting, ripping. I want to unleash my wrath. I need to.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I am mentally ill and I'm not ashamed. I am not my illnesses, no matter how many I may have. I am free from my own self torment and I am free of negativity. I am a positive being and I radiate pure light. I am good, and I do good. I love my illnesses, I love the world, and most importantly, I love myself.

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

Wake up, wash hands, use bathroom, wash hands, shower, wash hands, brush teeth, wash hands, get dressed, wash hands, get to work, wash hands, wash hands, wash hands, get food, wash hands, eat food, wash hands, bathroom, hands

Lock the door, that’s not right, it’s not locked, it’s not safe, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, I’m late for work but my house isn’t safe until I lock it, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, unlock, relock, unlock,

Are they home? Did they text me? Did they not get home safely? Did they die on the way home? I didn’t tell them to drive safe, so they crashed and died. I didn’t tell them to be careful and they got murdered. I didn’t tell them I love them and now I’ll never hear from them again. I didn’t

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

Where are my wings? Where are my feathers?

Where is the wind against my body, my skin?

Where are my talons and fangs and eyes, how am I to hunt and fest on my prey?

Where is my body, and who is that looking at me..?

[thoughtfulthoughtlessness]

I hate the word Human.

I hate what it represents. Flesh, weakness, mortality, stupidity.

I hate humans.