The last time I ever felt happy to be myself. With just a bit of make-up and confidence, it was like I was back on track to who I was supposed to be. A reminder framed in this moment that I could still be okay. That what I've gone through won't define me or leave me broken, that I still have a purpose and a good life to work towards. That I matter, won't always be alone, and that everything will turn out okay. I knew then and now life isn't easy or perfect, but back then I still had hope. That was 2 years ago. Now... now I'm more alone and isolated than ever. Day in and day out, it's the same. Fairweather friends pontificate platitudes and never seem to have time unless it's to their benefit. Others wind up dead because no matter the posts, the calls for helps, the red flags and things that shouldn't have been ignored... they wind up dead by their own hand. And all I see are how people spout false pity but never show true concern over those who have died or are at risk. Nobody wants to be a statistic. Even trying to reach out for help to the "proper" channels can leave those in need locked up, degraded, and treated as criminals simply for not being okay and being unable to click back into a healthier mindset and lifestyle. Irrational as suicide may seem to be, it's a call that never fully goes away for a long time, if ever for some people. It's also one I wish nobody had to hear again, because when your life is in shambles and your own mind turns against you.... well, I wouldn't say that anyone who has been there is weak. There have been a plethora of good and bad people impacted by mental illness, but the conversations and medications still aren't treating the root issues, just the symptoms. It takes everything not to break when your mind throws every flaw, mistake and problem back at you, with just the right words so you can't shake it off. It pushes and pushes until you've been backed into a corner, unable to breathe and crying with your head in your hands wondering what you did to suffer like this. It creates suspicion or doubt among every interaction, deceit when you look in the mirror, and a constant inner battle that leaves you in a mix of anger, hopelessness, despair, exhaustion and confusion. It's blasting music at 3 AM because no one is really listening and you can't stand the silence anymore. It's the feeling of wanting to ask for help but "knowing" you don't deserve it or will get it, that you're weak for not being able to push through. It keeps you gagged and isolated until it's lies break you. Or until something changes. What I wish for is for people to change. To not be so selfish and ignorant, so that we can all remember that we're all human and it doesn't have to be like this. That we can be better both together and alone, but we have to be ready to help and ask for help.
