ilya on his couch trying so hard to sound nonchalant: so is there a mrs real estate

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@troubleiwant
ilya on his couch trying so hard to sound nonchalant: so is there a mrs real estate
ilya: do you like girls
shane, still leaking lube and cum out of his asshole: is this a trick question.
I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them
he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"
and ilya
reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"
and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-
"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"
"what are you talking about?"
shane: "i'm allergic"
"??? since WHEN??"
"since always??"
"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"
"jackie knows"
"WHY DOES JACKIE KNOW AND I DON'T"
yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*
the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"
shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.
he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"
and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??
A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.
B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.
C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-
@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD
@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!
shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-
oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.
and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.
also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.
GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-
and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."
Genuine question. Do you think Shane and Ilya fucked when they got back to Shane’s cottage from Yuna and David’s? Or do you think they kind of collapsed and maybe took a bubble bath together.
ooohh, i haven't thought about it a lot tbh but i have wondered.
and you know, i actually have been marinating in thoughts about shane and baths but. this is different—ANYWAY.
so, between the two of them, ilya is the one who tends to initiate sex when he's emotionally raw and vulnerable, not shane. so i believe that shane would be too overwhelmed for sex, sort of still replaying the whole time spent at his parents’ in his head, and it's hard to get out of that loop.
and i think while by the end, it went as good as it possibly could’ve, he’s still left with lingering anxiety and stress.
so ilya grabs him a ginger ale, tells him to sit and wait while he Does Stuff, and shane quirks an eyebrow at him but doesn't question it. ilya comes back about 15 minutes later, grabs shanes’s hands and walks backwards, leading them to the bathroom where he's filled the huge tub with water, poured some nice smelling bath salts into it, lit some candles and put on shane’s ridiculous techno mix (that one that “soothes” him) low in the background.
shane looks at the tub warily and admits he’s never actually used it before. ilya is like, what. hollander. is huge ass tub, why did u put it in if u don't use it??? and shane ducks his head, shrugs and says, well every nice bath I've seen has had a bathtub, so. and ilya is so stupidly charmed again and hit with such a wave of affection again, that he kisses his cheek.
and then says, well, im getting another one of your firsts, then.
shane shoves him, but he's smiling.
and they do end up in the bathtub, with shane between ilya’s legs, leaning against his chest, while ilya runs his hands softly over his chest and arms, pressing gentle kisses to his hair, his neck, his temples, and it's all kind of slow and languid and unknots shane’s brain enough that he finally finally relaxes against ilya, eyes fluttering closed.
unwinds enough that he stops thinking about his parents and focuses on ilya’s hands on him, and he’s only a guy, okay, and his boyfriend is wet and soaking and strong at his back and he’s touching him so reverently, and shane gets hard.
and ilya sets on getting him off, except the thought of blowing his load in the bathwater and then sitting in it makes shane so squirmy that they get out and stumble to the bed.
shane comes all over himself and when ilya rubs his come into his skin after, he raises an eyebrow and says, coming in water is gross but this is okay?
shane tells him to fuck off. ilya grins and cleans him up.
always almost
I know we’ve all joked about Yuna waking up in a cold sweat remembering when she ran into Ilya on the elevator.
But what about her remembering when she told Shane “fuck him right up the butt” and doing the math.
Or better yet, David is like, “Ha remember when you said—” and she’s like, “Don’t say it!”
anytime ilya tries to peacock for shane by doing like one handed pushups or pull ups on some random infrastructure it only works for a few minutes before shane is itching to go OKAY MY TURN NOW
When they’re in the middle of a blowout argument and Ilya can’t resist trying to tell Shane to get on his knees to convince him and it has like a 50/50 chance of working and totally derailing whatever they were fighting about or it’s a complete failure & sends Shane’s anger levels to the stratosphere
the underlying message of any ethically sane hockey story should be "abolish the NHL and all existing youth hockey programs" btw which is one of the many things wrong with the gamechangers series
this is what we all need to be manifesting okay?
more of the ilya gets outed and marries svetlana fic that is currently hibernating
Post-hockey Shane Hollander who becomes a volunteer at a national park because he needs something to do and accidentally becomes everyone’s favorite guy for a second time
He’s useful for helping with missing people because he is fast and strong and also missing people go insane when they’re found and it is Canada’s Own Best Hockey Player In the World Shane Hollander awkwardly asking if they’re ok
He learns all the fun facts about the park and starts to be requested as a guide for school trips because he takes all of the kids questions seriously because this park is his Thing now and he takes talking about his Thing seriously
As a joke their social media person asks Shane to spoof one of his old ads from his hockey days but related to the park and it blows up so now the Canadian national park service has posters and signs with Shane doing his awkward picture smile and saying something about not starting fires during the dry season
He does bird calls and kids love it
He becomes a meme similar to Tony Hawk where people post about how they got directions from a park worker only to find out later it was world famous Olympic medalist and Stanley cup winner Shane Hollander and people start acting like he’s a national park cryptid
At first Ilya just thinks it’s great because it makes Shane happy, but then he sees him in uniform talking to a group of kids and realizes he suddenly is extremely into this
HR artists,, do you ever draw an ilya and you're like,.., wow. that's shane's ilya. that's how shane sees ilya, that's literally #hisilya...............
look at him
that's #hisilya !!!!!!! 😭
They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help
After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly
And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?
Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose
Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.
and we all fall down by lowkey existential despair (@themauvesoul)
Rated E
The truth was, yeah, Shane married Ilya, but he’d married hockey first. He married hockey the second he signed his rookie contract with the Metros, and his courtship began long, long before. And his marriage to hockey wasn’t like his marriage to Ilya. Hockey wouldn’t ever love him back. Ilya wasn’t going to chew Shane up and spit him out at some nebulous point after he turned thirty and before he turned forty, his joints busted and his mouth full of dentures and his brain fucked to hell and back. And that marriage—his first marriage—had always come before his second, illicit shotgun wedding.
It wasn’t ideal, maybe, but that was just how things were. Hell, it was probably the same for Ilya, too. The fuck was Shane supposed to do about it? Nothing, nothing, nothing. He liked his life just the way it was. He didn’t want to do anything different. He still doesn’t. And that’s the worst, most shameful part of it all: at the end of the day, some part of Shane will always wish he could wind back time like adjusting a watch; erase that Instagram post before it ever hit the internet and go back to the life they’d had before; the life that was slowly killing them both.
#Angst #Married Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov #Homophobia #Road Trips #Press and Tabloids #Hazing #Racism #Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence #Bad Friend Hayden Pike
Sometimes Ilya - fully against his own will and better judgment - thinks about what would have happened if he wasn't the first guy Shane slept with. What if it had been some other man instead?
Would this hypothetical stranger have known to kiss Shane soft and gentle and a little bit filthy to start with, the way Ilya did? Would he have been as shocked as Ilya by Shane's eagerness in getting down on his knees? Would he have been able to handle Shane's hunger, his first flint of desire transformed into a roaring flame as soon as he was given permission to touch?
Would he have made fun of Shane for coming so quickly? Or would he maybe not have been able to get him off as fast, to make it as good for Shane as Ilya did? Would he have been able to strike the right balance in making Shane feel both safe and desired, the way Ilya miraculously did?
Would he have mocked Shane for folding his clothes?
It's at this point that Ilya has to go find Shane and kiss him breathless and ensure he knows how much he's loved, because at some point in the distant past, some hypothetical man who only exists in Ilya's head could have had the chance made him feel less than completely perfect. And that is simply unacceptable.
At a particularly low point during the Rose era, Ilya was up until 4am stalking the location of Shane’s cottage and then whoops! he paid a fortune to buy the adjoining plot of land.
Once they’re back together, Ilya has to decide whether to admit to the most insane thing he’s ever done or try to sell property in a country he doesn’t live in without Shane noticing.
shane starts thinking out loud during a trip up there together about whether he should go ahead and try to buy the adjoining lot in case they want to add a guest house one day or just want more privacy and ilya just
Op’s tags
In the background of the video clip, posted by a fan at the hotel breakfast just before Christmas 2018, Shane Hollander is talking on the phone. He looks tired but he's smiling, pushing scrambled eggs around his plate with a fork. "I saw, baby," he says. "No, definitely, no way that was slashing, I'm with you. You'll get them next time, though. Beautiful goal you got in the first, that was so fucking sexy. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Love you."
Which leads to a bit of an uproar because omg Shane Hollander has a girlfriend?? who plays hockey???? that's so on brand for him like. okay who was playing last night and got a goal in the first period, we need to find the woman who has Shane Hollander crooning into his phone like a lovestruck teenager. and the consensus lands on an unsuspecting and entirely unrelated CWHL forward who has never even been in the same city as Shane but the Internet is running with the story and there's journalists harassing her and Shane has to get his agent to call her agent so he can apologise for this mess and she's like, dude, I know it's not your fault, but Shane feels so fucking bad about it, you know?
And unfortunately it doesn't really let up as quickly as they thought because it's right before Christmas and isn't this a great story, fucking Hallmark movie shit, so a very unimpressed Leila (her name is Leila) has to look a reporter in the eye after her team just played a really good fucking game of hockey and everybody wants to talk to her about some fucking guy, you know? so she looks him in the eye and says, no, I am not dating Shane Hollander, I have never dated Shane Hollander, I will never date Shane Hollander, I am literally a lesbian. I have a whole-ass girlfriend. She plays for the Blades.
And Shane Hollander is so consumed by jealousy he almost chokes.