One of the most frustrating things I have found about men and women’s actions, especially in relationships, is that women are always expected to give men the benefit of the doubt, communicate better, and act when men have been poor at communicating.
When women complain that men are not doing their share of the chores it’s always: have you tried communicating that with them? Have you spoken to them about it? Have you given them a list of chores to do? Basically, have you done everything humanly to make it easier for him to do these chores?
I saw another one recently where a woman was complaining that her husband asked her three times when a certain appointment was and she said things like this put the mental load on her and was just draining. Basically every single comment was some variation of telling her she needed to put it in a calendar, saying that he probably has other things on his mind because of work or male-dominated chores (when the oil needs changing, when the grass needs mowing, etc), or basically telling her that he has a job so remembering all of this is hard and she needs to help him. (Or just insulting her.)
Meanwhile, I saw a post where a guy said that his wife always ate his fries when they got fast food so instead of doing anything about it, he hid the fries or ate them before she could get any. The responses? SHE needs to communicate better about what foods she wants in the future. On a different post where a woman was complaining that a man was eating all the snacks she would buy for herself, no matter how much asked him not to and actively hid the snacks, half of the suggestions were that she needed to buy more snacks because he clearly wanted them even if he wasn’t communicating it properly. So women eating men’s food and not asking for their own is poor communication and she needs to communicate better. But men eating women’s women’s food and not not asking for their own is poor communication but women should understand that it means he wants the snacks and get them?
Then when men don’t pull their weight in the household it’s: maybe he’s stressed from work. Maybe he’s depressed. Maybe he doesn’t know what needs doing. You, as the woman, need to communicate with him about this.
Don’t even get me started on the fact that people still assume that men are working and paying for everything while women remain at home, despite most households having two working adults.
And when the relationship ultimately breaks down then it’s her fault: SHE should’ve communicated better. SHE should have expressed her unhappiness. SHE should have done more. Nothing about the fact that she man ignored her and didn’t pull his weight, only about how her actions lead to the end of the marriage. Because men are always owed the benefit of the doubt and women always need to communicate better.
Have you also noticed how once men are in relationships, they no longer can remember family members' birthdays, how to do laundry, how to buy food, or how to write down appointments? They were doing all those things before they got into a relationship, but somehow the ability flees from their brains the moment they get a servant.
I was in line a few years ago and the guy in front of me didn't know his own children's ages. A part of my spirit died that day.
See, I troll r/AITA and other trashy subreddits and I see this A LOT!
A man can never attend his children's events because he's spending time with other family/friends/work? He's busy!! Men shouldn't have to give up everything just because they have kids!! He's providing! Imagine if he quit his job and you all wound up homeless!
A woman can never attend her children's events because she's spending time with family/friends/work? A bitch. A negligent mother who hates her kids. It's such a shame the father has to do it all when his partner should be doing more!
A man is blowing all the money on addiction/vices? He needs help. Have you tried communicating? Why haven't you done something before now?
A woman is blowing all the money on addiction/vices? Dump her. Her problems aren't yours. She's weighing you down.
A man wants nothing to do with a child who isn't his? (Cheating spouse, previous marriage) It's his right. This is why paternity tests should be mandatory at birth. Of course he doesn't want anything to do with this child.
A woman wants nothing to do with a child who isn't hers? (Same circumstances as above). She's a heartless monster. How could she do this to an innocent child? The child didn't ask to be born. What will her bio kids think of her actions when they grow up?
It's ridiculous!! Men are coddled for everything and women are given nothing.
I saw one today, or rather one being discussed on TikTok. Woman was asking if she communicated reasonably because she told her partner that she wanted her no to be respected the first time she said no. He then acts like he’s been accused of sexually assaulting her which she says she isn’t and literally never said. Only that she wants her first no to be respected. He goes on a whole tirade about how she consented to him practicing/showing off his marshal arts training on her including that he basically badgered her into saying yes and didn’t allow her to refuse. (His OWN ADMISSION.) She agrees but says she wants the first time she says no to be respected going forward.
Beyond him being manipulative as fuck, his literally communicated poorly throughout the exchange and ignored that all she wanted was for her first no to be respected going forward. No accusations. No claiming of abuse. No saying anything was non-consensual. Just that her first no should be respected.
Most of the comments reasonably pointed out that it’s coercion and she should leave him. One comment though? Men can be accused of anything at any time so that’s why he’s defensive. SHE communicated poorly. Why is she bringing this up now? How did she react at the time? Was she being playful the previous night? The accused her of ‘framing it like assault’ when all she wanted was for her first no to be respected. He literally made up a whole scenario about her sort of saying no and then him saying it would be fun and her immediately relenting to him. Claimed that sometimes we say ‘no’ in a playful manner so that’s maybe it.
Bear in mind that this was what the man in the text had to say about her saying no:
Every time you said no I pleaded further to show you and you allowed me
Literally, the man admits to not accepting her saying no and other men are still acting like women are the ones communicating poorly.
People like to blame relationship breakdowns on the lack of women communicating with their partners. And if not lack of communicating, not communicating directly enough. And if not communicating directly enough, then somehow their actions are wrong. It doesn’t matter how, men will always defend other men.
Also: when men are struggling financially but don’t discuss this with their partner, it’s not framed as basically financial abuse or at least a lack of open and honest communication but rather he is given sympathy. It must be so hard on him to be failing as a provider! He’s been suffering all alone! He was too ashamed to admit it!
No, he wasn’t being a partner in his partnership and that normally ends up with worse financial consequences in the long term. He failed to communicate and took the struggled upon himself because of his own choice and it’s likely his partner who will suffer more because of that. I have no sympathy.
I notice something related to this a lot in AITA style subreddits. If a man makes a post for a kind of complicated situation where he was, in fact, the asshole, most of the top comments will dance around this fact and let him down gently about it. If I am remembering these subreddits rules, you’re supposed to actually type “YTA” for it to count as a vote, and in many of the comments on a man’s post, commenters will simply avoid saying YTA.
If a woman posts a similarly complicated situation where she was the asshole, the majority of the top comments will plainly state “YTA”.
Men will always get the benefit of the doubt and people won’t want to be the one to cast official judgment, but women need to know YTA.
