“feminism is when my wife takes care of my daughter and I don’t help
I love how he assumes that post-natal abortions are a real thing.
they are and I’m about to postnatally abort ben shapiro
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★

JVL

Discoholic 🪩
Claire Keane

@theartofmadeline
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if i look back, i am lost
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

tannertan36

izzy's playlists!
sheepfilms

titsay

shark vs the universe
Peter Solarz
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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roma★
🪼

seen from Netherlands
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@vonvorto
“feminism is when my wife takes care of my daughter and I don’t help
I love how he assumes that post-natal abortions are a real thing.
they are and I’m about to postnatally abort ben shapiro
skyrim sexy lockpick mod
oh are you FUCKING kidding me i cant even joke about this shit
My cat has ice cream prescience.
I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how she reads my intent so clearly.
When I walk to the kitchen to get a popsicle or thaw a slice of banana bread or warm up some mango slices, she doesn’t care. She stays on her chair and waits patiently.
But when I walk to the kitchen to scoop myself a bowl of ice cream, she’s at my heels SHRIEKING by the time I turn on the light. She knows. She’s not smelling it, she’s not hearing me say ‘ice cream’, she’s not accustomed to some predictable pattern because I rarely eat ice cream.
But she fucking figures out before I even reach the refrigerator. It’s the only human food she asks for, and I have to give her a small tithe of it to keep her from shredding the skin from my legs and popping my eardrums. She’s terrifying.
Registering the unique “ice cream gait”, try walking without rhythm so the cat will not be able to track your movements.
But what if it’s not my Ice Cream Groove… what if I excuse pheromones of Ice Cream Intent?
There have to be ways to thwart her Ice Cream Knowledge. Perhaps I will have to trick myself into believing that I’m actually getting up to thaw leftovers, and then I’ll start exuding Leftover Intent pheromones.
I DID IT!
I got up to make myself a cup of tea, thought Tea Thoughts, and then at the last moment I filled my tea cup with ice cream instead of tea.
My cat didn’t even notice. She didn’t smell it, or pester me while I was eating, or come running and yodeling her need when I opened the freezer.
I am free.
What happens if you think about ice cream while getting something else?
I just tested this. I got up thinking Ice Cream Thoughts, and by the time I got to the kitchen, guess who was at my heels meowing?
im rediscovering apples and honestly i feel like the babadook from death note, theyre so good
there’s a post going around about mixing nyquil with 5 hour energy and I’m thinking about the time my parents were both out of town and my brother was in charge of dropping me off at school and I must’ve been 15 or 16 and I was really miserably sick so he gave me nyquil and but the time we were pulling up to the school I was crashing so his friend who was driving said ‘I have a redbull in the glove compartment” and they said “drink it and it’ll like even it out” so I did and I walked into school at 7:30 AM
and then immediately the last bell rang and school was over.
potion seller, I’m going into school and I need your STRONGEST dissociation
In case you were wondering, you’re looking at a very contented cephalopod indeed! Keeping octopuses healthy means constant mental stimulation, and besides the puzzles we provide for them, the octopuses can be very curious and will seek out the attention of their staff.
Tactile enrichment like being petted, or playing tug-o-war, are opportunities the octopuses can seek out at their leisure when their staff are around!
8arms4cuddles
♥️👏 ENERGY ON 100
WE STAN A MAN
im translating russian memes for practice and i... theyre so fucking funny
me: *flips pillow over to the cold side and goes back to sleep*
nurse who's been watching me in a coma for the past 5 years:
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepoo” for the last 30 years of your life
A politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”
“Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??” says the politician. “Them’s the rules” Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?
“Open your eyes!” says a voice. “C'mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!”. Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. “Who are you??” The politician asks. “Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. “Welcome to Hell!” “Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks. Satan throws him a wink. “Oh, we’ve been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…” Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. “It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. “So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” “No sir!” says the man. “So then” says St Peter “you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on”. “Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell” says the politician. “Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. “What’s this??” He cries. “Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”
“Ah”, says Satan. “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…”
Jeff, this isn’t a joke; I’ve just had a spiritual awakening.
A very modern take on a very old way of thinking about hell, I love it.
an important update
the funniest thing we do to alligators is duct tape their mouths shut when we need to handle them. imagine being a creature so ancient and undefeatable that you haven’t changed in thousands of years being rendered basically defenseless by a piece of plastic
SHUT
Sir Elton John has admitted to having sex with a Russian spy on a hotel roof during a trip to the Soviet Union.
The 66-year-old singer believes that the KGB spy was planted in his entourage by the country's secret police at the height of the Cold War to follow his every move.
He says that after discovering that the man was a mole who worked for the Russian security agency, he slept with him to compromise him.
"I went to Russia in 1979 and I knew we were being watched all the time," John told the Observer.
"I had an interpreter that they'd clearly set up. I ended up having sex with him on the hotel roof."
John became the first Western popstar to perform behind the Iron Curtain when he took to the stage in St Petersburg, formerly Leningrad, in 1979.
In 1985, The Rocket man released Nikita, a song about a westerner who falls for a Berlin border guard. The track, which featured George Michael, was a worldwide hit.
Grandma poison water SNAPPED
A warning
If you ask about it they throw you out of the store
you ask and they shoot you point blank