Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give me anxiety over zebras. If you succeed, I will donate a randomized amount of money (from $10 to $99) to your patreon. If you fail, you will have to live with the knowledge that you did not make me anxious (and I get some cool new zebra facts that I didn't know before). Do you accept? [Y] [N]
this is what weāre doing now, huh? custom ordered anxiety? you know what fine. fine. letās talk zebras.
Ā first of all i donāt know why you wouldnāt be anxious about zebras. a zebra will happily kill you. they will bite off your hand and fucking laugh. they are filled to bursting with aggression & spite. i know they usually get a pass bc āhaha stripey horse so goofy ā but. this is a species that regularly survives harsh conditions while being hunted by apex predators so. theyāve got a dark side.Ā
you know how dogs are domesticated and wolves arenāt? horses are domesticated. zebras are not. i donāt think itās biologically or ethically possible to domesticate a zebra in any meaningful way. weāve tried it, it doesnāt fucking work. this is because zebras are angry violent fucksĀ with horrifyingly strong legs. they will happily break a human jawbone with one single graceful kick. they occasionally murder lions in this manner.Ā yes i know it is provoked and self-defensive. yes, i know they donāt actually eat the lions they kill. no, this does not in any way make me more comfortable with the concept of a stupid fucking striped horse that occasionally kills lions. they also sometimes kick each other to death but anyone who knows anything about zebras will finds utterly unsurprising.Ā
in general, zebras have terrific senses of sight, hearing, smell and taste, which supports my budding theory they can smell fear. also they have night vision. thatās just a fun fact, thereās no reason that should induce anxiety. unless youāre thinking of facing off w/ a zebra at night. which i donāt recommend. bc, you know, angry murder horses.Ā Ā
also zebras donāt have black stripes. theāre black with white stripes. thatās not creepy, it just pisses me off.Ā two more things:Ā
1. i wonāt be discussing this in detail but iāve been developing a theory that zebras fill the same evolutionary niche that clowns & mimes fill in the hominid kingdom. tell me thatās not fucking face paint:
for safety reasons i will not expound on this.Ā
2. thereās a theory zebra stripes use motion dazzle to confuse predators. i get so overwhelmed picturing it. imagine being a predator, crouched on the savanna floor, your prey grazing at the watering hole. all is peaceful, all is calm. you are the most dangerous creature present. so you assume. when all of a sudden our are thrust into a dizzying monochrome swirl of spinning stripes, your heightened senses obscured by a rising cloud of dust and the thundering of angry hooves!Ā you jerk around in panic, but are surrounded! surrounded by the trembling blur!
all this to say, iām working on a short fic portraying what it might be like to be stampeded by mimes.Ā Ā
anyway next time you think of zebras, imagine their beady little eyes, their strong, strong jaw muscles. imagine approaching a zebra like a fool.Ā imagine sticking your hand out to offer it a sugar cube. now imagine how many fingers you would have left, after that experience. there you go, thereās your zebra-induced anxiety.Ā patreon is here.Ā i have to go finish writing about being swarmed by a mime horde. gaudy OUT
This reminds me of a time where i job shadowed at a nature reserve (and they had a lot of zebraās there) and I was driving with a lady to go check out something that was wrong at one of the dams (all the fish were dying) and as we were driving we got on the topic of zebras and she mentions thereās this one zebra that stands in the middle of the road every morning and that they have to stop and wait for the zebra to leave first before driving on because if you attempted to drive around it, it would charge at the car and attempt to fight it and then i asked what would you do if one attempted to charge at you if you werent in a car and she just looks at me like āYou stand still and dodge, *never* run, if you run they will catch you and break your bonesā and if that doesnt drive the point home that zebras are scary fuckers i dont know what will
(Heres a picture of him)
that image is from a fucking creepypasta
Source: here
An elusive zebra having both stripes and spots was observed by wildlife photographer and safari guide Paul Goldstein.
In all his 25 years in the wilds of Africa, Goldstein had never seen a zebra with markings such as this.
The zebra was discovered in Kenyaās Masai Mara, one of the best places in the world for wildlife watching. Ā After two years of tracking, Goldstein was finally able to photograph this animal.
It appeared that this unique zebra had been ostracized by the other zebra, presumably because of its spotted markings.
According to Goldstein, this unique zebra is shy, āextremely bad temperedā and aggressive towards other zebras and appears to have no mates. However, he does have a lot of scars.
Goldstein states that āevery zebra in Africa has slightly different markings, but this one has taken that to extremes.ā
āThe mane is short and completely black. The hooped markings on the legs are completely different to normal ones. Ā It has the shape of a donkey, but is much darker all over. The spots are very prominentā.
thereās also this video:Ā
