my mind and soul

[ame1lia]

Disappointment

I am sorry to disappoint you today

I just really needed to get away

as far as I can

casually wanting to be better than

I would take the last step

but what if no prep

could insure my mission

everyone ignored my condition

I stare down blankly at the silver in my hands

remembering the last time I danced

but I know it will never be the same

I am so full of shame

[ame1lia]

Are you going to keep writing?

I do, I am just not as inspired at the moment and kind of in a writers block. There are some poems I haven’t posted, not sure why, I just don’t feel as confident with my work as I was before ..

[backburnergirl07]

born to be the poet, yearning to be the muse.

[ame1lia]

why can’t this world just let me go

I have never felt so low

and even if I did

I forgot where have I put down the medi kit

but maybe bandaids won’t fix

what has been destroyed with a lot of kicks

by you and everyone around

I could have been found

sooner, patching up the flesh

of everything that is left

I will be never be the same

so I take all the blame

cause it is my own fault

paying no attention to the times I called

out for someone to help me

now I am drowning in this sea

[ame1lia]

new year, no me

now another year is finally over

but I have never been less sober

maybe the cuts don’t stink as they did before

it’s the way I try to empty my core

fingers pressing deeply into the flesh

gluing themselves into pure trash

of my burdening existence

I will try to keep my distance

to the things pulling me to the ground

closing my eyes, no more wounds

cause eventually I have to let go

and survive this cold snow

burying me deep

I hope I can finally go to sleep

ignoring my storming addiction

fleeing into my world of fiction

cause this planet never had a place for me

so I will stop to plea

for one

my hope was long gone

[ame1lia]

promise

Can I tell you something ?

but make sure to promise me one thing

don’t judge me

just listen and stay here

and try to understand what I try to conquer

I am lost in this sea

of my emotions, my fear

that I might tear

every little thing down

making the potential “us” drown

[ame1lia]

never me

I can turn you into poetry forever

this might be your lever

onto my broken yet gentle soul

who wanted desperately to be in control

but I cannot make you love me

so for now I set you free

hoping you won’t forget me

[ame1lia]

Act

I wish I could mute my mind

cause all I do is think

about the way I could be defined

or seen by people I don’t even like

this would be the worst drink

numbing me enough to finally strike

stabbing into this wound

not a sound

leaving my lips

starring in the eclipse

[ame1lia]

prettiness

I ache to be pretty

to be liked for what they see

and not for what I might really be

my existence must be a pity

not worth a look

never the admiration like in the book

meeting my gaze in the mirror

hoping someday the compliments would come

for now I stayed numb

stepping nearer

into the void of my shattered reflection

remembering the long gone affection

[ame1lia]

Of course I am angry

angry about the fact that you left

always ripping up the cleft

you turned the other way

not just today

seeing me in so much pain

taking every opportunity to steal

“It wasn’t such a big deal”

being pinned down to the floor

just to break my bones, to keep me sane

but what for ?

what did I do to deserve this misery

cause now I am scared

that someday I really dared

to not come back with the victory

you always wanted me to be the best

encouraging me to give me the rest

stumbling right over my dead corpse

ignoring all my works

so for now I shut my mouth

and maybe even drag myself south

into the next best blade

I just wish you stayed

[ame1lia]

free space

the space I long for

no longer exists

much rather in my imagination

my never ending wish

to open the door

into another nation

where I could be free like a fish

not worrying about my to do list

[ame1lia]

Hurting

What if I want it to hurt

the stinging feeling of disappointment

gluing to my lungs

the loneliness of an introvert

trying to call for an appointment

knotted in my tounge‘s

glass shards cutting through my skin

emptying myself from within

staying in bed, now and all the time

no energy in my body, I spin

death and I intertwined

nothing inside my blurred mind

committing crimes

on myself, punishing what is left

pouring salt into the cleft

[ame1lia]

all an act

every time I glance at my fully healed scars

I can’t help but miss the blood

but now they are filled with little stars

like it was the flood

that used to cover them whole

playing my little perfect role

closing my eyes

ignoring my break down

covering the repeating cries

trying not to frown

it’s just me and this never ending feeling

about gaining weight, so unappealing

cause maybe this is all an act,

and nothing can be seen as a fact

it’s just me and the ambition

battling with my condition

[ame1lia]

funeral

I have been buried six feet under

lightning striking just like thunder

everyday inside my head

seducing me to be dead

some may come to my burial

laying down flowers ending my serial

losing one or two tears

even though we were never peers

closing eyes on my ice cold skin

my body so delicate and thin

from starving the days before

emptying my core

but sadly I am still alive

fearing to take the final dive

over the finish line

I was always lying, saying I am fine

[ame1lia]

better apart

I should be grateful they said

cause divorce was never on their head

but seeing love that wasn’t real

gave me no place to heal

Shooting stars colliding into me

I couldn’t even count to three

burying my face into my pillow

I am such a pecadillo

the smoke of their cigarettes gluing to my lungs

slicing my heart with their tongues

I would never be enough

but oh well, it was never as tough

as it could have been

carving scars into my skin

so I just bottled everything inside

ignoring the times I cried

slowly dying from within

my existence so thin

my parents might have never fell apart

others could have been smart

looking out for me when I needed them

but instead I buried myself in the numb

pushing everyone away

allowing losing myself in the gray

[ame1lia]

silence

Sometimes I don’t want to get better

just to show you how bad it has been

flipping through the letter

that has never been seen

all those years of my misery

might just be a part of history

but deep inside I feel the hollow

raising up until I can’t get out

I try to shout

but instead I swallow

this mess whole, so don’t bother

looking after me, dear father

[ame1lia]

drowning

I’ll stay in the pool and drown

even though you taught me how to swim

my cuts eventually turned brown

I just want to be slim

now all of my sprit went away

because I do everything wrong

listening to my favourite song,

about the love I always craved,

I will never be saved,

but I continue to pray

sometimes for a better life,

which I really want,

nevertheless I take the knife,

trying out a new font

I know the end is near,

Someday I will leave and break free,

staying true to myself and be queer,

Until I go down to my knee,

my hands held up on both side of my face,

I really do hate this place