I think we’re doomed
I think we’re doomed
And now there’s no way back
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@anawkwardshit
I think we’re doomed
I think we’re doomed
And now there’s no way back
Death is a Weird Thing for Children
(‼️Warning‼️: this story does contain the description of a corpse, and it is described rather callously due to a skewed perception, I mean no disrespect to the deceased in any manner.)
I have few memories of when I was very young, as most kids obviously do, but there are a few that have stuck in my mind for one reason or another. One in particular is a memory from when I was 3, or on the cusp of it, and my parents took me to a funeral.
I vividly remember my dad wearing a suit, my mom wearing black, though I don’t recall what exactly my sister and I were wearing. I vividly remember what the entrance looked like, the layout of the building when we walked inside (it was a small church), and what I was thinking at the time.
I had no idea why we were there. Perhaps my parents had told me where we were going before we left, had explained things, but if they did, I don’t recall that, but I don’t recall getting ready to leave or the drive there either. I highly doubt they did, though, or I likely would have recalled having these thoughts while in the church. Instead, I just remember looking around, seeing all the people talking and greeting each other, and not understanding why we were there.
What I also saw was this weird line congregating at this big box on an elevated platform (which I now know was the open casket on the church stage). People were looking inside of it, and I had no clue what they were looking at. I recall wondering what could be so interesting that everyone was gathering to look, and I simply had to know what was inside this box.
My parents must have been distracted talking to the other adults, because nobody stopped my sister and I (twins, so same age). We waited for people to disperse from the box, because our child brains told us that we had to look when nobody was watching in case we were told no and because we were too small to shove through the crowd of big humans.
Once people were mostly done looking at the box, the stage being almost empty, my sister and I waddled up onto this stage and stepped up this little set of stairs (placed right next to the casket) to grab the edge of the big wood box and lift our chins up to peek inside.
I still remember with clarity what I was thinking of the sight at the time, and how I computed it as a child is still the image it leaves in my head to this day, despite the knowledge of what it truly was as an adult.
I gazed upon this object in a weird box, white and soft-looking on the inside, almost cartoonishly strained on my tippy-toes to catch even just a glimpse of this captivating spectacle that everyone had been gazing and muttering over. So eagerly had I peered in, I was met quickly with disappointment, as the sight was not as exciting as I’d hoped, and also utter confusion, because what was so interesting about this?
It was simply…a thing. I honestly could not comprehend what it was. I stared at it for a long time, thinking perhaps everyone’s interest had not been about excitement but confusion. Perhaps they were so interested because they, too, had no idea what this strange thing in this box was.
It was human-shaped, certainly, that made enough sense, but it was not human. It did not even register as human to me for a moment, and even the description “human-shaped” was a fourth or fifth observation I made when gazing at it. Colored like paper but not, colored weird I knew for sure, dressed up like a doll but underneath the clothes (the skin exposed, though I certainly didn’t compute it as skin) was all wrinkly in a way I thought maybe meant it had been bunched up wrong for too long. Waxy, too (though I didn’t know that word at the time, but I recall making that observation even without understanding the word for it), like a warped piece of dull plastic.
I was so far from recognizing it as a human being that it didn’t even register to me to having any similarity to a mannequin from the mall - it was just this weird thing in a box that made no sense.
It is so interesting to me that, as a young child, I gazed upon a dead body, a once living human being, and recognized that there was no life whatsoever, as though a human-shaped mannequin that had never been alive was more similar to an actual person than a corpse of a woman that had once been alive, like the lack of soul made this person utterly unrecognizable as a human at all.
My lack of knowledge regarding death meant that I had no frame of reference. I still don’t fully understand what it was about the body that made me unable to recognize it as a person, dead or not, just that it was so far out of my understanding that I was only confused. The sight did not scare me, startle me, make me nervous or unsettled - I was just confused, because to me, what I was looking at was something I had never seen before, and I just couldn’t place what it was supposed to be.
Found images of an old text conversation with my sister (in blue) and Mom - what in the tumblr text meme??
The notification in the second image really drives it all home, lmao
Falling through reality and into the space in between
Always watching.
Check out the bloopers video for a speech project we had to do a couple years ago, starring Kristin (@mydisplayoflite)!
this world we have built is burning down around us - CHAPTER [Archive of Our Own] by @anawkwardshit
This scene is from chapter one of a fic i decided to reread again🤯its been on haitus for a while tho so beware 🧟
@doce12 made fan art for chapter 1 of my book, “this world we have built is burning down around us”! It is so cool, and I am so excited! I don’t get fan art a lot, so this is something I always love to see!
I don’t know why I found this so funny? Like, just imagine when they go to process the claims, and this is just the evaluation. The obvious correlation but no outright mention of it is just ironically hilarious to me.
Feel free to check out my rants for further information on my views on the Dream SMP lore and characters:
Tubbo Needs To Step Up and Get His Shit Together
Tommy, Dream, and the Addiction of Predictability
Doomsday and Injustice
Why Tommy Didn’t Get A Villain Arc
Defending C!Tommy
Tommy and Attachment Issues
Exile, Excuses, and The Truth of the Matter
Memento: Tommy’s Speech to Foolish and Why It’s Important
C!Dream Character Analysis
Las Nevadas Needle and Exile Tower Comparison
Tubbo and Tommy Song/Animatic Idea
Dream SMP non-lore related posts:
Technoblade’s Death: Initial Reaction ***
Technoblade’s Death: Why It Is So Jarring ***
L’manberg’s Memorial
Technoblade Reference IRL
Screwing W/ My Oblivious Friend by Having A Breakdown about DSMP Lore
Dream SMP Lore As Though Created by Children
I think what makes it so hard to cope with Techno’s death is that, for me, I didn’t expect it. There was no forewarning, nothing to tell me to brace for impact—I was just shot in the chest without warning.
Yeah, he had cancer, but he was optimistic about it, said he was doing better. Whether he was lying to make us feel better or it happened to take a turn for the worst at the last second, it doesn’t change that I full heartedly believed he’d survive. I wasn’t worried for a long time, not since the initial post of his first cancer video.
Cancer is unpredictable, yes. I lost my grandma to cancer myself. And yet, for some reason, I never thought to prepare for the worst, the possibility that Techno wouldn’t make it. Because Techno dying? Techno not being here anymore? It was an unfathomable idea. He was human, that much I’m aware, but it just didn’t seem possible. He was so good and bright and made me laugh, a person I could rely on when I needed to laugh, never gone even when silent for months—so it wouldn’t happen now, right? The why, the how, it just didn’t make sense in my head, therefore I just never took the time to think on if he would die, only when he would get better.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I think that’s the most painful part of Techno’s death for me: the fact that I wasn’t prepared and the knowledge that I never would have been. My heart shattered in a second flat, and that was it. It was over.
Rest In Peace, Technoblade
Alex is dead. Technoblade is dead.
I do not want to discredit him by not calling him by his real name, as he should be remembered as a person before a character or YouTuber, but he only told us in death, and I do not want to use it willynilly like I am entitled simply because he is gone, even if he gave that information. Honestly, I do not know what he’d prefer, so Techno is what I will continue calling him from here on. It is the person he introduced himself as when he inspired us all, so it’s what I will continue to call him (until I know more). Calling him by his real name now is in remembrance, to acknowledge that he is a person before anything else.
It’s heartbreaking, and I bawled my fucking eyes out like a goddamned baby. Because even though I didn’t forget he had cancer, I did not bother to dwell on it. He acted like he was getting better, like everything would be okay, and I believed him. I’m not mad that he didn’t say anything, that he kept that to himself; he deserves that privacy, and I know he didn’t want to have us all mourning him before he was even gone, but the whole thing still hurts.
I’m so fucking mad, not at him, just at life and everything that meant he was the one who paid the price of some stupid disease that he couldn’t even avoid.
He was a person, but even still, the thought of him dying, it was unfathomable to me, still is. I was at a fair when he posted the cancer video, and I bawled then, too, but I thought it would be okay. He acted like it would be, and I held onto that; I’m not mad that he was being optimistic, I’m just mad that life was cruel enough, callous enough, to decide that he should die anyway.
This whole thing makes my head hurt. I’m still in some sort of shock. I have no words, I barely understand. I feel like everything is falling apart, and the thought of his friends, his family, going through this, too, just makes me cry even more. It’s so fucking dumb, Vidcon just happened, everyone was riding on the high from that, and now this devastating news—I feel like my world has collapsed around me, like reality is warped. Part of me hates that he was dying while everyone was so fucking happy and oblivious, me included in that.
I know he died before that video. The production of it, how long it likely took to put together, along with his father saying he died 8 hours after writing his final words, proves that he died before today—and none of us fucking knew.
That’s not his fault, not anybody’s fault, but knowing I was oblivious to it and now suffering through grief over it when I wouldn’t have been had there never been a video, makes me hurt so much. I feel selfish, and knowing that doesn’t stop the hurt either.
Part of me still kind of expects him to rise from the dead or some stupid shit, like this isn’t reality, and reality is shit, like this is some stupid ‘Angst with a happy ending’ fic. I hate that. I hate it. He’s gone, and I’m still grappling with it.
He worked so hard to create content for us, to make us laugh and entertain us, and I want that to be a reminder to people that I don’t think he’d want anyone to stop creating and being inspired by him simply because he is gone now.
After all, Technoblade never dies.
Rest In Peace, Alex, Technoblade. I promise you are missed.
I wonder if Wilbur connected Tommy’s episode at Las Nevadas’s Needle, where he mentioned jumping off, with his suicide attempt at Logstedshire, or if he had forgotten about it because of his previous denial that anything was wrong.
But, hear me out: c!Tommy and c!Tubbo with the song “Younger Dreams” by Our Last Night
Another Day At Work: A Dramatic Retelling
“You have an empty tote,” my sister says to me, who is pulling a dolly with full totes behind it, before she is about to head out onto the sales floor.
“I know,” I say, quietly, throat sore and seconds from choking; one slip up, and I’m on the floor.
She nods. “I’m just saying ‘cause you seem out of it.” Without another word, she walks away.
I do not see this, my back already turned as I pick up the aforementioned empty tote to pile it into one of the half stacks on the pallets beneath a steel shelving unit before I head out of the dispense door. “I am—” My voice betrays me, its scratchy soreness, the risk of it dragging me into a painful coughing fit, cutting off the relatively normal volume until the rest of the words are only a whisper, “in it to win it.”
I turn, eyes half-lidded and fluttering, and stand from beneath the shelf. With no warning, I slam my head into the steel grate above me, the pain mocking and cruel. Part of me wants to cry.
My sister is gone, and I am, indeed, as she had predicted, out of it.
I leave, then, dolly dragging at my heels, an upset lump in my throat, the upset that of a child.
It seems I am not in it to win it.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Another offshoot in my series “wade in the flames of time burning alive,” where Tommy embraces death and still ends up in the clutches of time, though he goes even further back. You don’t have to read the main story to understand this, though there are a few references to it here and there (so if you’ve read the main (named below), maybe you caught them). This used to be a two-shot, but I made it a three shot due to the recent news with Techno (had to extend the time I am taking to write the rest). The first two parts are up, over 20,000 words currently, so enjoy and be mindful of the tags!
For those who aren’t aware, this is a smaller piece connected to the main book in the series “this world we have built is burning down around us”, so check that out when you have the chance! It’s Tommy-centric with SBI, crimeboys, bedrock bros, and time travel!
Commitment and What It Means For a Healthy Relationship
My friend and I talked about romantic relationships, and it got brought up that I don’t think they’re for me. He wondered why I would think that, and I explained that I think I would be toxic without intention. He thought I was expecting too much from myself when I explained why, and that someone out there would accept me the way I am, but I still don’t think he understands it.
Here’s essentially what I told him:
I have no time to commit to a relationship, much less have any desire to promise a commitment. All my commitment, admittedly, goes to my books and work, and everything else is second priority.
I think my significant other would get bothered when I don’t bother to respond at least once a week (which I do to my friend all the time, in which the silence can often last months). To be honest, ignoring someone you’re dating for a whole month (on average) is fucked (and sometimes the only response after a month is, “Sorry, I was busy”).
And that dynamic wouldn’t always change when it comes to existing together in reality, not just over the phone. I’d be like, “I don’t feel like talking” or “I’m busy right now” all the time simply because I don’t want to talk, and eventually it barely becomes a relationship at all.
There are things in a romantic relationship that are needed to be functional and healthy: communication, even if it’s just talking about your day in general (at least once a week), along with making sure any fights don’t escalate into something beyond reasonable (which would be difficult since all I know how to resolve things is how I fight with my sister, which I’ve already acknowledged wouldn’t be healthy with others even if it works for my sister and I); making time to do things with the other, even if you have to plan ahead of time and wait a while to get that time and do things the other likes (which I hate doing, since going out period and not doing anything I don’t want to do only bores me and makes me inattentive); commitment that involves caring about that person’s personal life and problems, as well as being there for them through it (which is also hard, since I struggle with sympathy/empathy and can be unintentionally apathetic to situations that call for gentler handling, and trying to help feels awkward and insincere when I don’t feel like I can empathize or that I actually understand or care, as cruel as that may sound).
Even without meaning to, I’d probably be a toxic partner for a lot of people (thank god for my being self aware at the very least), especially depending on the needs some people have to have met. I lack in a lot of the departments that I personally think needs to be implemented in a healthy relationship, even if every relationship is different and needs those things at different levels and amounts.
He implied that “commitment” just means promising not to date other people (cheating, essentially), but I think that’s a very bare and poor example of “commitment,” as I’ve explained above, especially when it comes to relationships (romantic and platonic both). In the end, I simply told him that, point blank, I don’t think dating is for me.
Feel free to give me your opinion in the comments! I’d honestly like to know what others think!
C!Dream Character Analysis:
Reminder: this is essentially just my interpretation of Dream’s character (of which there are many) from what facts I know about his intentions and thoughts; we’ve never gotten a full breakdown from Dream about his character or any streams that show his character’s perspective.
In my personal opinion, since Dream’s overall perspective, motivation, and goals are vague and mostly just pieced-together headcanons from what we manage to glean from his character, I think I like the idea that Dream has just decided to speedrun his way to his goal, resulting in an unhealthy method that not only hurts others but also ended up destroying himself.
When I say this, I mean that Dream’s main problem is the way he’s gone about keeping everyone together. At first it was trying to stop L’manberg from starting, so that countries and factions, etc, wouldn’t be formed to separate people (and it still did, leading to other countries and factions, which is what Dream was trying to avoid). Because he failed, he essentially spiraled into this mindset that he needs to control everything in order for everything to be set properly. If he wants everyone together, he needs to manipulate them into being where he wants them.
Tommy’s character was resistant to his threats and attempts at getting people to do what he said, and in order to try and circumvent that, he tried to break Tommy down so he would comply, as well (we all know how that turned out). In the process, he also ended up becoming obsessed with Tommy, since he realized that his childish ways and ability to argue even without a logical point was somehow the way the blond managed to get people to rally around him; Dream realized Tommy was an important part of keeping the server in check, so not only did he try to break him, but he also tried to get him under his control, effectively attempting to make Tommy into a figure that he could control and, with him, control others (which he almost succeeded in).
In conclusion, Dream has come to the idea that he needs to have absolute control over everything and everyone (explaining why he’s so manipulative and making him a general overall control freak) in order to have things go smoothly. To him, letting everyone do what they want has just led to conflict and dissonance, and his solution to keep everyone together and fix it is to have a single person—himself—control who does what and how things happen. Free will means there will be conflicts of interest, and Dream doesn’t like that (again, he wants everyone to be one big, happy family).
Unfortunately, Dream’s character has spiraled so much that he seems to miss that his logic is incredibly flawed, and now he’s mostly just obsessed over the matter of keeping every one of his pawns in the places he needs them, meaning he’s kind of lost his “big happy family” vision in his own psychotic breakdown. It also explains his God complex, in which he’s deluding himself into thinking he’s able to control everyone and make them dance to his tune as he’s always wanted.
(See my pinned post for links to my other rants about the Dream SMP, L’manberg, and Tommy’s character.)