People kept saying to me 'You won't know yourself when your boys finish school' and they were right, but not the way it was implied.
It's August 2016 - 8 months since my youngest of 2 sons finished his VCE and our school life finished. For 15 years prior to this, the framework of our family life was naturally focused around school. In their final year 12, I passionately supported each son in every way I possibly could, in the hope they would do well in order to step into the real world with the best possible opportunities a good education might bring. After the break up of my marriage over 13 years ago and soon after the tragic loss of my beautiful Mum, I was under a lot of pressure to keep our home and family life consistent, positive and on track. I found myself in a situation where working, making ends meet and being the available Mum, not only to be present in their lives but driving the boys to school, sports training and social events was a constant never ending juggle and struggle. I took it very seriously and I put everything of myself into it. Fortunately for me, I did have and create work I enjoyed, but it was never financially very lucrative work and I lived under continual financial stress. This was coupled with the dread of ongoing difficulty from my ex husband, who while he loved his boys, was never on the same page bringing them up and communication between us was uncomfortable or non existent.
Any devoted mother will understand that we wear many hats through our children's school years and we glue the family together . . . nurturer, taxi service, cook, organizer, cleaner, story reader, psychologist, friend, listener, repair man, gardener, the list goes on. It's a wonderful time and it's a demanding time and I certainly put a lot of pressure on myself to be responsible for these young boys I'd brought into the world.
I do remember so often thinking, if I stop, I won't be able to get going again and I have to keep going for them, because I love them so much. In many ways I over compensated for their broken family life - always making sure everything was super organized and ready for them in all they did, to my own detriment - often feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and that there was no one to lean on. (My whole family has passed away)
When people said - 'you won't know yourself' last year, I know they were inferring I would have more time and leisure and be able to relax and enjoy some freedom . . . but what has really come out is 'I don't know myself' because I, Andrea, got lost in those years bringing up my boys. I was driven by duty and love, but not for or to myself. Now the dust is starting to settle (and I have been busier than ever as I have my own business to run as well as the final and 20th year of my charity) I find I am quite often overwhelmed with a sense of grief, being at arms length to my young men out in the world and who the hell is Andrea ?
Suddenly the reflection I am forced to look at, is my own and there is a forest behind me of choices I have no idea how to navigate. The sense of loss complicates this . . . when the grief kicks in and I feel the withdrawal of not being needed or useful in a role I was so invested in for so very long, my heart aches for those gorgeous affectionate little boys who so openiy loved their Mummy. In the good positive 'Yay I am free' moments, I am often so overwhelmed with decision making choices, I can't decide what to do, my procrastination becomes agonizing . . . will I go for a walk, garden, paint, read, write a blog (as I am now) do the mountain of work on my desk, clean the house, pay bills, clean out the garage, do washing, call a friend . . . I feel my head spinning in circles and I find it hard to make a choice and stick with it and I am painfully aware I am alone. Then it all becomes too much . . . the walls fall away and I am incapable of doing anything, I feel emotionally drained and lost, who am I?
I have no doubt things will start to become easier as I navigate myself through this huge transition and work out who I am besides a Mum who worked her ass off to give her boys the best safe nurturing home life and security she could until they stepped out into the world and flew away. Somehow it feels like they took my heart with them and I need to reclaim it back for myself now. I know I am still their Mum, however right now I feel unimportant and no longer integral to their lives. No one really talks about this Mum grief and NOT knowing yourself, I'd be surprised if other Mum's can't relate to it, whether they are single Mum's or not. It's bitter sweet and it does make me miss my darling sister and my Mum and Dad, all of whom I have lost, even more. At this point in my life, I gradually and finally understand I need to be my own best and supportive friend, and for so long I didn't allow that and I lost myself along the way.
So here's to all those people who said to me 'you won't know yourself Andrea' . . . you were right, but I am working on getting to know me and I find myself slowly being drawn to this new person in my life and as I get to know her, I think she may be a keeper ;) I will check back in down the track and let you know.
www.aptandpilates.com (pic 2010 - Andrea at 50 with both boys still at school)
