I came here to cry and forget to drink water

and I've already forgotten to drink water 

[chips1977]

a mouse fell on me while I was sleepung and broke all my ribs

[fallingivy]

I told a kid in my class the other day that it was going to be the year of the tiger! This kid is a kindergartner, five years old.

Usually there’s some interest when I bring this up, but this kid sort of sat with that for a couple minutes, expression settling into a thousand yard stare. Just as I was wondering if something was wrong, he looked at me with his haunted eyes and asked, in a tone of resignation: “When are the tigers coming?”

I had to quickly reassure him that the year of the tiger was like…an animal assigned to the year, and not another plague or natural disaster! Between the Covid, lockdowns, and huge flood of cicadas last year this child probably decided that this was in line with how the world worked and was mentally getting his affairs in order.

[yournewfriendshouse]

‘​I guess a plague of tigers might as well happen’

[toastbutteregg]

[random-jot]

Standing directly in the doorway to achieve peak mental health.

[meowtalhead]

[thechekhov]

if you think about it, every time we tranquilize animals to transport them safely to another place, we are the sleep paralysis demon

[deermouth]

[friend-dogor]

[ID:

"Lying Odysseus replied, "I will tell you the truth completely. I"

/end ID]

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

once in college my friend asked me to come along on a date she wasn’t comfortable with because she knew that I would step in and ruin the mood on purpose if she gave me the signal that she wanted out

I came along, it was awkward, she gave the signal, and I immediately dumped a glass of ice water over my head and said “oh no looks like you have to drive me home immediately to prevent hypothermia” but then she and her bad date thought this was so startling and funny that it broke the tension and got them talking. and then I had to sit around for the rest of their date dripping water and shivering because she decided she was enjoying herself.

[bluesturngold]

[piscesxmoon]

every time my bf says "for the time being" i respond with "for the time bean" and then we say "all hail the time bean" and carry on the conversation like nothing happened

[benchowmein]

thinkin bout…salmon

[laurbyboom]

flush your underwear down the toilet.

[iamoutofideas]

on it boss o7

[iamoutofideas]

it’s gloged now

[laurbyboom]

more

[iamoutofideas]

flooding

[vykodlak]

watching a national dog show vid. this beast has the saddest most glistening eyes I've ever seen

[vykodlak]

This is a gnome

[tumbwr]

🐸 boss don’t follow

Im gonna fuck you .. and ghen buy you ice crean.. because iam so thouvgtful…and horngy

[slimegargoyle]

the aquarium said you are NOTHING compared to an eel

[skiptomy]

I'm Old, I'm Satisfied.

(and I'm sobbing)

[triviallytrue]

Twitter really is going to be totally unusable huh

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

hey uh I hate to tell you this but your golden retriever boyfriend comes from a pet store and not a reputable breeder

[stinkyhat-deactivated20231213]

I'll become his reputable breeder

[wayneradiotv]

if you take this your package will come today no matter what

[mrbulian]

[trans-mouse]

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. Literally, I’ve never been this funny in my entire goddamn life

[cmyknoise]

a gem, this is a god damn gem

[hellsbells-zelsbels-archived]

you owe me seven dollars now