« Collectively Chaotic »

Ramcoa victim seeking a safe space

[collective-chaos101]

Introduction

Collective name(s) : Ceasar, Abel, Yui

Collective pronouns : They, it, doll, lamb, thing

Headcount : ? ? ?

Disorder(s) : highly complex dissociative identity disorder, autism spectrum disorder, borderline personality disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, brief psychotic disorder, atelophobia, gelotophobia, and attention deficit hyperactive disorder

Current host(s) : Dusekkar, 007n7, Matt, H

Split tolerance : Low with the exception of certain alters having varying split tolerance

About : TBMC/RAMCOA/OEA survivor, anti maga

Dni: Ramcoa/tbmc deniers, transmeds, homophobes, racists, abelists, fake claimers, anti human rights, pro ice, pro maga, pro-c paras, those who are just here to see if I have 'inaccuracies' when I share my trauma, sexists, bigots, shitty people in general

We will not be showing our face due to fear our abusers will find this account and use it to cause harm to us

System specific tags :

I threw glass at my friend's eye and now I'm on probation - vent post

Fuckass pumpkin speaks - Dusekkars posts

Your mother wouldn't approve of how our mother raised us - rant post

Oh to love what is lovely and will not last - positive post

If one has no sense of humor one is in trouble - meme / funny post

More to be added

[collective-chaos101]

We probably will not be uploading anymore. This blog has brought us comfort, but also paranoia in regards to our abusers and them somehow finding us through the little information we give. Logging off and starting a fresh blog where we don't share anything, good luck everyone.

[collective-chaos101]

There comes a time when you are bleeding out you that you may seek refuge in those who were once bleeding out too, they bandage you and take you in as one of their own, yet you never fail to wonder if they'd care more if you were still the helpless soul with a fatal wound seeking their assistance as a last resort. At this time there is a possibility you will consider undoing the bandage to show them you are still bleeding. Let it heal.

[canonicallygay]

stress eating

[collective-chaos101]

HOLY MOTHER OF PEAK

[collective-chaos101]

Apologies for our absence. (Most of) November was... a month to say the least. There was rapid splitting and threats from the higher up's in the system throughout the month, and none of us wanted to risk going on tumblr throughout this.

[collective-chaos101]

Going through things knowing you'll never fully process nor get justice for them feels so... odd. I suppose one of the reasons a lot of us can understand when people don't believe what we went through was real is simply because it's hard to fully accept for us as well. We're lucky to have even gotten out of there alive... and sometimes even we can't understand that.

[ridibulous]

I'm having a bit of a normal one tonight so

• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't have a fucking clue what all their programs are or how exactly they work or how they're triggered and may constantly be living like they're walking on eggshells.

• shoutout to hc-did systems who have no fucking idea what the full extent of their trauma is and are terrified to figure out more and/or want to learn everything that happened so badly.

• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't know or understand everything about their innerworld. fuck it shoutout to hc-did systems who just Don't Know in general!

• shoutout to hc-did systems who don't have any "real" or "physical" proof of their ramcoa besides their own memories.

• shoutout to hc-did systems whos perpetrators never got a lick of punishment for what they did to you or others.

• shoutout to hc-did systems who actively want or are trying to get their perpetrators punished for what they did.

• shoutout to hc-did systems who can't have their perpetrators punished for what they did.

• shoutout to hc-did systems who might still be in danger. real or perceived.

this ramcoa shit is so confusing and exhausting and horrible and lonely and fucking (re)traumatizing and it's so hard. i'm tired I just want people to believe me sometimes but how much do I believe other people believe me when I share the sheer horrors that rear their ugly heads in our mind. from alters popping up or a memory just appearing out of nowhere to just whole somatic flashbacks. how much can we take? how much DID we take?

[collective-chaos101]

Sorry I came off as so harsh in my ask about anti-psych sentiments, so just to clarify being anti-psychiatry isn’t the same thing as being anti-recovery— we are anti-psych and we fully support people who get resources and accommodations from the system, we actually encourage people to “exploit” the system back in order to receive the care and support they need to function. But we do not believe the system itself is beneficial to society, historically diagnosis and treatment has been a tool used to oppress and exterminate minorities and the medical system actively works against extreme abuse survivors like us— I encourage you to look into the Mad Pride movement which is made up of people who are against the system because they have personally fell victim to it, which most people who hold anti-psych sentiments like ourselves are as well.

We will look into that, thank you so very much for bringing it to our attention!

[ramblesofakio]

If you don’t believe RAMCOA/TBMC is a genuine thing, please block me

I’m tired of seeing people post about how “it doesn’t exist” and say that “ramcoa doesn’t exist but the trauma does.” It’s irritating to be told what I went through doesn’t exist and does exist at the same time.

It’s important to hear survivors and to be able to understand that this shit happens and still does. Cults, trafficking rings, etc. they all happen. Just because you think that someone can’t force a system doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Do you know how much trauma that someone faces within shit like that? How easy it is for someone to see that there’s so much dissociation and use it against them?

I’m tired of so many people thinking that ramcoa survivors aren’t real. We are, we exist.

If you don’t believe it, please block me.

[collective-chaos101]

When I hear the smallest phrase in a song and suddenly my body goes still and I am not allowed to move for hours and the day passes me by as I am unable to control my own muscles and I await the unwanted feeling of hands 'ravaging' my body that had never once been pure

[collective-chaos101]

How can you consider yourself to be pro-psych while also being a RAMCOA survivor, organized abuse involves perpetrators working closely with medical practitioners including psychiatric practitioners to control and torment victims— organized abuse runs rampant throughout the medical system, the same system that has historically silenced and perpetuated further violence against OA survivors like you and I.

I am very sorry, I think we failed to understand this. Escaping the beings who programmed us has been hard. We thought anti psych meant being against people getting psychiatric care because in those communities we saw people majorly talk ahout that, and we are very pro people getting care they need. We make mistakes - especially since we have not fully come to terms with what happened to us being wrong. We thought it meant in general that it was COMPLETELY against someone seeking therapy or safety in the hands of a mental health professional and didn't just believe that psychiatric care tends to be more harm than good. I truly apologize.

TLDR : Thought it meant the same thing as anti recovery

[rezcalls]

Am I the only one who just...really hates it when people treat you like you're exactly the same as the character you were sourced from?

Like, I get it in a sense. You see someone that looks like a character, has the same name as the character, is from that source, and you just assume they ARE that character. But that just really rubs me the wrong way. I get that there are some fictives who like that and all, being treated exactly like their source, but for me it just seems like such a shallow thing.

I'm not the character from the media. Even if I share his name and appearance. I don't have source memories, I have my own memories. I have my own likes and dislikes. My own ways of acting, interpreting things, and interacting with other people.

While some of the way I act or whatever might be the same as the character I was sourced from, that doesn't mean I'm HIM. I'm my own fucking person, and I deserve to be treated like that rather than like a TV show character. Because I'm so much more than just that.

I 100% believe that fictives who aren't super source attached deserve to be treated with more respect. Not bashing fictives who ARE that attacked to source, by the way. - Vox

[collective-chaos101]

I fronted during our DND campaign and fucked everything up. I'm so mad at myself. I am completely nonverbal and when it was my turn not only was I doodling and not making eye contact with anyone, I couldn't speak. It felt like the entire room was staring at me - and they were. I hated it, 0/10 experience.

[collective-chaos101]

Just so you know, you got posted to r/systemscringe

https://www.reddit.com/r/SystemsCringe/s/syhj4CII4T

Oh I saw it, I'm not too bothered by it. We know our experiences seem unbelievable to some, hell even most. Despite knowing our experience is real, we are well aware some disagree that something that seems possibly out of a horror film could truly happen to someone. Nonetheless I have to say that I think the subreddit is harmful and it spreads false information more than anything else.

[collective-chaos101]

I don't know how we're still alive. It feels like we are a corpse personified, it is hell but it is real... something I have not decided whether or not I should be terrified of or feel relief as though God's blessing struck us down in a sense.

[collective-chaos101]

Notes game because we need motivation

Per every 1 note - Drink water (if it exceeds an unhealthy water intake limit I will simply balance this out, although I do not believe this will go farther than maybe 10 notes)

Per every 5 notes - Look in the mirror and repeat one positive affirmation

Per every 10 notes - Work on a simply plural profile for an alter

Per every 20 notes - Make five kandi singles

25 notes - We'll try and be more social in genersl

30 notes - Use our mobility aid more often when we need it (certain alters feel embarrassed by it)

Per every 30 notes - Write 500 words in a fanficton we're working on (it's not much but we desperately need motivation)

Per 35 notes - Set a boundary we were previously too fearful to

40 notes - Turn our bed into a nest

45 notes - Learn a non-complex dance

50 notes - Hug myself/ourselves ( completed )

Per 60 notes - Bake brownies or cupcakes

65 notes - We can't bite our nails for a day (we do this compulsively so that may be hard) ( completed )

Per 70 notes - Make a kandi cuff OR take an everything shower

Per 80 notes - Teach our dog a new trick

100 notes - Stop answering when people call any of us by our collective dead name ( on hold at the moment due to no longer being safe )

150 notes - Paint our nails ( completed )

200 notes - Buy a journal for us to communicate with instead of just using our notes app

500 notes - Start saving up for top surgery

1000 notes - Save up to buy clothes from the thrift store

No rules, spamming is allowed, no end date, just a system yearning to take better care of themselves

Some may be changed or removed in the future for our own safety if necessary

[collective-chaos101]

"You don't smell good" Thanks our programming that causes severe depression and rapid splitting/switching got triggered and we can hardly do anything but I'm glad you noticed how we smell ! (asshole) -Husker