why are we here? just to buffer? @coquelicoq - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
why are we here? just to buffer?
@coquelicoq
i'm like if an omniscient narrator didn't know shit. you can call me cal / 30s / friendly neighborhood cruciverbalist. [ID: avi is a close-up of a woman looking unimpressed from the thomas anshutz painting "a rose" (1907). header is a slaps roof of car meme i have edited to read "moi, lisant le dico: *gifle toit de langue française* ce truc de dingue peut contenir tant de mots de ouf dedans" /end ID]
i mostly just pretend that the curzon-loving-jadzia thing didn't happen because acknowledging it honestly makes me so frustrated and uncomfortable and it reveals too much of the biases underlying the writing of one of the more interesting star trek characters (to me) in any series. but, setting aside my reactive feelings about this reveal, i can read a narrative purpose and theme in this that i don't think was deliberate but is still interesting.
by the time she finds out that the reason she was rejected and then accepted into joining with a symbiont was due to curzon's feelings for her--attraction and then guilt, she'd already: a) held up curzon's promise, at the risk of her own lifelong imprisonment, to protect curzon's former lover, b) held up another of curzon's promises to kill a guy in battle (despite being told she shouldn't have to by kira of all unlikely people), c) had her symbiont taken away from her outside of her choice and then joined with the person who took it at gunpoint, and d) learned that the symbiosis commission lied to her to cover themselves about the fact that her symbiont had once been joined to a murderer, a person she then had to accept within herself or die about. and then she learns that the most recent host of her symbiont had feelings for her, who she was pre-joined. on top of all this, sisko has been calling her "old man" since he met her because sisko remembers curzon. and it's a joke--she's a young woman, it's ironic--but that's still the nickname he gave her. this man, curzon, who she has to carry with her for the rest of her life. who was a burden (which she accepted with a certain kind of nobility) before she found out about his feelings and his subsequent unjust actions because of those feelings.
she learns and experiences all this and then she meets lenara. and lenara breaks her heart and chooses trill society and custom. and lenara says to her, explaining why she's not going to choose to be adventurous or brave and go against the norms, "we don't all have a curzon inside of us". which is sort of crazy for her to say given that it was torias's memories that inspired jadzia's initial connection to lenara, not curzon's. (and like torias was established in the show as being a daredevil pilot who took big risks. so why mention curzon at all?)
and then after jadzia meets worf, she accidentally gets all the main crew trapped on a planet in "children of time" where she meets both her great-grandson and future host of her symbiont and it's his actions that have ensured she crash there and have to commit to reproducing with worf so he and the rest of the colony can exist.
so, counting, that's curzon, varad, joran, torias, and yedrin--all male hosts of jadzia's symbiont and all who in some way hurt her. and in each instance the conclusion to her agential action in each story was simply accepting it.
the curzon of it all is the most frustrating part. people have joked that jadzia is like a klingon "weeaboo" and it's true, there's so many instances where she performs klingon culture--sincere or not, there's still a level of performance. and that interest and that memory of past relationships with other klingons comes from curzon. and it's one of the reasons i was a little annoyed that sisko scolded her like a child and insisting she's a prideful young woman when she doesn't want to go through a ritual she had promised to do to marry worf. he calls her “old man” constantly, the value of her curzon memories has been celebrated again and again, the value and source of her personal choices have been attributed to curzon, her life as a joined person came solely down to curzon’s control, curzon is the previous host mentioned most who is implied (deliberately or not in the show) to have the most influence over who she is—and she’s called a little girl over a moment of maybe unearned pride and told she is not curzon.
all of this would read better to me if: a) we got way more substance about who jadzia was as a person before being joined and b) if dax’s other previous hosts, like, perhaps, some of the women, were given equal consideration and implied screen-presence. but as it is, as it’s written, deliberately or not, jadzia’s story is one of accepting the things that come at you and the people that hurt you, especially if you have to carry them in the most intimate way. this frames a lot of her actions in later seasons as one of a person who has to keep learning this lesson and then frames her death, with all its other accidentally concordant details like quark and julian lamenting they’d never gotten with her or the random introduction of her wanting a baby with worf.
obviously i think the intent when writing jadzia dax was not to write someone who swallows her opinions and convictions and pride. i think the intent was to write someone both youthful and old, fun and intelligent, committed to the ideals of exploration but also committed to her brothers-in-arms, so to speak, and in all that they succeeded. she’s a really fascinating character and is performed and written still with a richness of person that i think a lot of fans don’t give the character credit for. but the resulting character also has all these instances of learning a similar lesson over and over: accepting people who have wronged her and also that an enormous portion of her value comes down to curzon--the memories that she didn’t make but she still has to honor and own.
this is also why i sort of wish they'd had a plot where, like, jadzia is injured, she insists they remove the symbiont to send it back to trill to be joined to another, they do but it pisses julian off and he and his augmented-brain team figure out how to keep jadzia alive after the symbiont has been taken away, and like it’s a dire and permanent solution and it’s disabling maybe in some way, but it works and she’s alive, and then lenara hears about what’s happened when she realizes the dax symbiont is being joined to someone else and she races to jadzia’s side because now it’s just a gray area of the law, being together, and jadzia is like “i’m just jadzia now” and lenara is like “cool, can you help me build an artificial wormhole again? one that lasts?” because like, jadzia has several science degrees. one of exactly two things about her pre-joining self that is fully textual. and lenara returing specifically to be with jadzia would have implied an enormous amount of non-curzon-derived worth. and that’s how jadzia dax is written off the show, instead.
none of this to say we're given nothing about jadzia pre-joining:
she has a mother she writes a letter to every time she's "going into battle" therefore pre-joining she had some sort of loving relationship with her mom
she has a sister who once gave her a pair some glasses she didn't like. lots of different things could be extrapolated from this but my initial read is that she and her sister often tease each other
she excelled in school and achieved a very high-level of education in several subjects--one of which was "exoarchaeology" which is why she's tasked with translating some ancient carvings on an ancient bajoran stone at some point which is particularly fun to me personally
she was decided and determined to be joined ("ever since i was a little girl" and the fact that after being rejected she applied again--that's a unique type of self-championing and fortitude)
all of this is really wonderful stuff of character and makes her feel very much like a person which makes the setting and weird sci-fi alien conceit she's depicting more interesting with her presence. and also why it would've been delightfully painful to see her try to confront having to live on without a symbiont.
people love the idea of the mean girl nurse pipeline because it problematises medical abuse as a personal perversion rather than understanding it as a product of broadly held ableist values and its like, if this was only about ontologically evil teenage girls choosing to enter a profession because of their unique sadism then you really wouldnt expect to see the exact same forms of abuse pervading all arrangements of paid, unpaid, formal, ad hoc, and familial caretaking as well -- its more comforting to believe the nurse was just a preexisting bad person than that most of the world broadly hates disabled people and will abuse, neglect, and gaslight them if given power over their care
weirdest thing happened the other day on the phone with my sister. she was talking, and suddenly she just started repeating the syllable "he", but with normal sentence intonation. she was like "we're going at the end of september. he he he he he he he he, he he he he he he." as though that was a regular thing to do. so obviously i was like what? and she was like what? and i was like did you just say the word "he" over and over instead of a sentence? and she was like no?? and i was like okay, well then i don't know what you just said, and she said it was "i know you don't like traveling, but you're welcome to join us." and i was like THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE HE HE HE HE? and she was like WHAT IS HAPPENING???!?! so either i had some kind of neurological event for the space of exactly one sentence, or my phone or her airpods had some weird glitch, also for the space of exactly one sentence? neither of which seems very likely?? what WAS THAT
it’s really cool to see someone who is in the exact same kind of relationship that i am for once. i get comfort from both the “aros can be in romantic relationships too” as well as the “aros dont ever have to date” kinds of posts but it always feels as if both of these awkwardly exclude me. i never thought i’d find someone else who was fine with their partner calling the relationship romantic for them but not for themselves. relationships can be just as messy and nuanced as identity itself but i dont think most people are ready to admit that.
even in places where relationship anarchy is talked about (the aro community being a big one, at least from what i've seen) it's still difficult to find people's accounts of like. how they put relationship anarchy into practice. i don't know. relationships are like gender to me in the way that every social construct is the same. every person is an individual. every individual is going to have their own approach to gender: just because we have these two major categories doesn't mean that it isn't infinitely variable and extremely personal. relationships are typically categorized as romantic, platonic, or familial, but the truth is that those categories are just as made up as the binary gender system. sure, they pop up a lot, and sure, they might be helpful for you to apply for yourself, but ultimately, every relationship is unique. once you start thinking outside of those arbitrary boxes— hold on i got so caught up in thinking about how to explain it that i stopped writing this post to draw a diagram
with anything listed being a stand-in for whatever else you can think of, obviously. but that's the thing it's like. you don't have to use the presets. everything is infinitely customizeable. you are ALWAYS creating unique relationships with other people you just don't think of it that way... once you approach every relationship in your life with an open mindset suddenly there are beautiful beautiful possibilities for all kinds of connections with other human beings... as always i fall back on my favorite phrase. which is "you can do whatever you want forever". because you can
Ayumi had been enjoying herself at her second ever Pride festival until Kei-chan tugged her hand and said urgently, “Something’s happening to Mihashi-kun!”
Mihashi-kun was the baby they had found wandering the festival in a daze, clearly alone and brand new to all of this. It reminded her of last year, when she had been brand new, and some older lesbians had been kind enough to take her under their wing. And she’d always wanted a little brother. She had adopted Mihashi-kun immediately.
“What? Where?” she said, whipping her head around to see what Kei-chan was looking at.
A taller boy had Mihashi-kun’s arm in a death grip and was towing him away as he scrambled to keep up. She looked at Kei-chan, distraught, and they broke into a run to follow.
They caught up just past where the booths ended. Mihashi-kun was sitting on a bench, his shoulders around his ears as the stranger loomed over him, yelling. They were just in time to hear him say, “thinking, dressing like that in this weather? I don’t suppose you put on any sunscreen? No, of course not. You’re probably not even hydrating. Then next thing you know you’ll end up with heatstroke and you’ll be telling me it wasn’t on purpose. Might as well be on purpose! Willful negligence!”
Ayumi exchanged a look with Kei-chan. They hadn’t quite expected this. But they still had a job to do.
“Mihashi-kun,” she said. “Is this guy bothering you?”
The stranger spun around, and his expression was so distressed she almost took it back. He looked like he needed support more than Mihashi-kun did, somehow. But Mihashi-kun had dibs. And he was smaller. And definitely gay. Jury was out on this guy.
“N-no!” Mihashi-kun stammered. “That’s—he’s—this is Abe-kun. My catcher.”
“Your…” Kei-chan’s brow wrinkled. “Oh, your catcher. I see.”
She nudged Ayumi, who suddenly got it. She was still somewhat new to gay slang, but now it clicked. “Oh, so that’s how it is.” She considered. “Well, even so, he could still be bothering you.” She looked at this Abe-kun coolly. “I don’t much like the tone you’re taking with Mihashi-kun, kid.”
Abe-kun shot her a dirty look. “Well, I don’t much like your idea of looking out for Mihashi-kun. Did you even tell him to put on sunscreen? Do you have any idea how easily he burns?” He scoffed and turned away from whatever her face did in reaction to that. Crouching in front of the bench, he slung his backpack to the ground and began angrily pulling things out. “Drink that,” he said, shoving a water bottle into Mihashi-kun’s hands, “and hold that,” handing over a small battery-powered fan. “Now where is the—here we go.”
He settled back on his heels, thumbing open a bottle of sunscreen he was apparently carrying around with him. That was actually really responsible. Maybe Ayumi should have thought to do that.
She looked over at Kei-chan, who was watching Abe-kun vigorously rubbing sunscreen into Mihashi-kun’s thigh with her hand over her mouth. “Hmm,” Kei-chan said, sounding amused. Abe-kun had started on another litany of remonstrations and accusations of idiocy and irresponsibility that now seemed to have expanded to include her and Kei-chan. What a rude boy! They had just met, and they were older than him. And how were they to know about Mihashi-kun’s delicate complexion? He wasn’t an actual baby. Shouldn’t he be trusted to look after himself?
“You seem pretty invested in Mihashi-kun’s physical condition,” she said, and then could have slapped herself for how that came out. She wanted to be supportive, but she didn’t actually need to hear the details of anybody’s physical condition or how it was maintained.
“Obviously I’m invested, didn’t you hear him? He’s my pitcher. It’s my job.” Abe-kun had finished one leg and moved on to the other. “I better see you finish that water, or so help me,” he added.
His job? That was kind of a weird way to look at it. Maybe she should be worried about Abe-kun in his own right, and not just as a threat to Mihashi-kun? “You know, he’s a big boy,” she ventured. “He can take care of himself.”
“He can, but does he,” Abe-kun muttered darkly. He finished with the leg and stood up. “Okay, shirt off,” he ordered. Ayumi opened her mouth, but Mihashi-kun had already stripped off the mesh crop-top Kei-chan had given him and was looking up at Abe-kun expectantly. She closed her mouth. She was beginning to get the impression this was normal for them.
“You do the front, I’ll get the back,” Abe-kun told him, and then, sighing dramatically, “Is that glitter? So you can slather glitter all over yourself, but not sunscreen. Okay. I get it. I’m being punished.”
Abe-kun sighed again. “You know, maybe just put the glitter on after the sunscreen. Or get sunscreen with glitter in it. They probably make that somewhere.”
“As long as it washes off before games,” Abe-kun said. “There’s probably some rule against it. Do you want the ump benching you?”
Mihashi-kun’s eyes had gone big and liquid. “N-no…”
Kei-chan elbowed Ayumi. “Ump?” she said. And then, to Mihashi-kun, “Do you play baseball?”
Abe-kun gave her a withering look. “What other kind of pitcher is there?”
“Wait, so…” Ayumi frowned. “What are you doing here, exactly?” She thought she had figured that out, but if they had been talking about baseball…
Abe-kun frowned and looked her over. “Do you have heatstroke?” he said.
“No, I—” She threw up her hands, exasperated. “Never mind.”
“You should really be hydrating too, you know,” Abe-kun said, quite bossily.
That wasn’t a bad idea, but did he have to be so annoying about it?
“Okay, hold still while I do your face,” he was saying to Mihashi-kun, who obediently closed his eyes and thrust his chin into Abe-kun’s hand.
So maybe they weren’t together-together. And maybe all baseball guys were like this. But just in case they weren’t, and just in case Abe-kun didn’t know, Ayumi felt it incumbent upon her as a wise gay elder to do her part to help the youth.
“Kei-chan can do that,” she said. “I want to talk to Abe-kun for a minute.”
“I’m almost done, just hold on one—”
“Nope,” she said, plucking the sunscreen bottle out of his hand and giving it to Kei-chan. “Now.”
He sighed heavily and glared at Mihashi-kun, but apparently he had enough etiquette trained into him to obey a direct order from a senior. He followed her to a fountain where they could see the bench without being overheard.
“I’m not a medical professional,” he said immediately. Yeah, no shit. They would hardly give a medical degree to an infant. “If you do have heatstroke you should really—”
“I don’t have heatstroke,” Ayumi said impatiently. “I just wanted to ask you something. What do you think this is?”
“What?”
“This event. Do you know what it’s for?”
He frowned. “It’s a festival,” he said.
“And?” she prompted. “What kind of festival?”
He scratched his head. “There are a lot of rainbows.”
“Yes…”
“And—skimpy contraptions. Made out of leather.” A light dawned in his eyes. “Oh no, all of these people need to hydrate—”
She snapped her fingers in his face. “Focus, kid. You’ve almost got it. Rainbows. Leather. Crop-tops. Body glitter. Did you happen to read any of the signage as you were plowing through the crowds dragging Mihashi-kun’s helpless body?”
“I wasn’t dragging—” He glared at her. “It’s. Well. I guess it must be.” He looked down. “For gay people?”
“Ding ding ding!” She held up a finger. “We have a winner! Congratulations. So what do you think Mihashi-kun is doing here?”
He kicked at the ground. “I guess he must be gay.”
“You guess?”
He rolled his eyes. “Why else would he have come?”
“Okay,” she said slowly. “So let’s say Mihashi-kun came here because he’s gay. Why do you think he invited you?”
Abe-kun frowned. “He didn’t invite me.”
Just when she thought she had it figured out, again… “So you were just here of your own accord and happened to run into him?”
“No. I tracked his phone and followed it here,” he said, also confused, as though this should be obvious.
“You tracked his phone?!” What was with this guy? “Does he know you’re doing that?”
“Well, yeah!” Abe-kun shouted. “I wouldn’t do that without his permission! Obviously it was his idea!”
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Wait, no. What? He told you to track him here?”
“No, he just,” Abe-kun sighed. “He finds it easier to talk to me in person. So he said, if I have something to talk about, I can check his location and come to meet him. Whenever. Not just today.”
“Okay, that’s—” Ayumi pondered. “That’s fine, whatever, as long as it works for you. Sounds kind of inefficient, but. It’s beside the point. Which is. Um.” If Mihashi-kun hadn’t invited Abe-kun, maybe she had misread the situation. Maybe Mihashi-kun wasn’t pining desperately for his devoted yet hopelessly clueless catcher? She needed to stop reading so much shoujo manga. “Maybe not relevant. After all.”
Abe-kun gave her a helpless look. “What is going on,” he said in a plaintive voice. “It’s just one thing after another today. No one tells me anything.”
She patted him on the arm. “Sorry, kid,” she said. And she was sorry. She should have kept her big mouth shut.
She was saved from having to figure out how to gracefully exit this conversation by Mihashi-kun running over, covered head to toe in sunscreen. “Abe-kun!” he said breathlessly, though apparently he was an athlete, so he probably had decent lung capacity. Interesting.
Abe-kun turned to face him and their hands rose to meet each other in an automatic reflex. Innnnteresting.
“Don’t overexert yourself,” Abe-kun scolded him. “We have a game tomorrow.”
Mihashi nodded earnestly.
“And drink water!” Abe-kun said. “If you’ve lost weight I am going to lose my mind. I mean it. I’m hanging by a thread, Ren.”
Given name? INTERESTING.
“A-Abe-kun?” Mihashi-kun said. “Um. If you wanted…you could. Stay?”
Abe-kun blinked. “What. Stay?”
Mihashi-kun nodded again. “You could. Come to the fest-festival. With me. We could go. To-together?”
Abe-kun looked gobsmacked. “To…this festival? You want to go together?”
Mihashi-kun nodded once, shyly. “It—it’s fine if Abe-kun doesn’t. Doesn’t want to,” he said, sincere.
“No, I—” Abe-kun flicked a confused look at Ayumi. She grinned at him and raised her eyebrows. He swallowed and said in a small voice, “Are you sure? I could call one of the other guys if you want—Tajima, or maybe Izumi—”
Mihashi-kun shook his head. “I’m just in-inviting Abe-kun.” He raised his head and straightened to his full height. “I just want Abe-kun!”
Holy shit, Ayumi thought at Kei-chan, who had sidled up to her silently and was slipping Ayumi’s hand into the crook of her elbow. Are you hearing this???
Crazy, right? she imagined Kei-chan thinking back at her. Couldn’t have happened to two weirder guys. Or she was probably thinking something like that. Unfortunately Ayumi had yet to achieve a perfect mind-meld with her girlfriend.
Abe-kun had slapped his free hand over his eyes. That might not be a good sign. Now he was rubbing at…wait, was he crying??
“Uh,” he said, in a choked voice. “That’s.” He cleared his throat and dropped his hand from his face. He was looking down at where his other hand was gripping Mihashi-kun’s. “Are people gonna try to…like…put glitter on me? Or. Make me dance?” He frowned. “I don’t want to dance.”
Mihashi-kun smiled. “I-if you keep, um, holding my hand,” he said, “and making your. Your normal face—” His smile brightened. “I—I don’t think anyone will…will bother you. And if they do,” he added, squeezing Abe-kun’s hand, “I’ll pro-protect you.”
Abe-kun looked up at that, and then seemed to lose the power of speech at whatever he saw on Mihashi-kun’s face. He swallowed a few times, and finally managed, “Yeah. Okay. Let’s. Let’s go to the festival.”
The force of Kei-chan’s gleeful nudge sent Ayumi staggering. Mihashi-kun’s smile could surely power the sun. Abe-kun closed his eyes as though the sight of it was too much to bear, and said, “But we are finding you some electrolytes.”
Mihashi-kun laughed. Ayumi, suddenly overcome, closed her eyes too. The kids were all right.
one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my ex was when they were still getting used to Celsius and asked me "what's 20 degrees?" and instead of converting it, I said "it's the highest your dad will ever let you set the thermostat and when you say you're cold he tells you to put on another sweater, we're not made of money" and they went "oh, 68"
the fact that this reference was that fucking precise was something they went on to tell people about for years.
love the concept of <2 as an aromantic symbol/emoticon because not only is it a spin on the <3 heart (typically romantic) symbol, but it literally is written "less than 2" and idk as a non-partnering aroace that just speaks to me
i think we should all (remembers to have hope even in the bleakest situations) keep going (remembers to not have toxic positivity) but if you dont wanna thats ok (remembers that we must endure) or is it
Text in photo: “no metal showing and no gun ports. This was not a SecUnit. I was looking at a sexbot. That is not the official designation, Art said.”
So from this we learn “sexbots” have few external signs they are constructs but behave differently enough that MB can clock them on sight. Also that “sexbots” is MB’s personal word for them.
Does it get uncanny valley vibes from them? Like they look too human but also like it just enough to be creepy? Or does it resent the lie of their appearance? Like they can look human and often do but it knows they aren’t? We know it doesn’t want to look more human because it doesn’t feel human and wants that to be clear to others.
I dunno as an ace person who too often wishes I could just not be visually perceived by others, often because my body as a ciswoman is so often sexualized, I get feelings about how MB talks about its fellow constructs and how it feels about socialization with humans and its peers.
no thank YOU for sharing your art...it has brought joy to my life on multiple occasions!
[in re janity.jpg but i also need to bring up murderbot eyeroll, murderbot woke, leonide suspicious, leonide power pose, aaaand volescu real quick ok byeee]
dededos
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
annaxmalina
