Certified Mom Friend™

Armed with sharp wit and a stain stick 27//INFJ

[bestviralposts]

LOVE 💙💙💙

[onlyhams]

[loversdreamersandyou]

[realnuisancealligator]

This is what it feels like to be in training at a new job

[catchymemes]

[spookylass]

can you draw ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) but with more feeling?

[nyquilnap]

this is all thats left of her

[romcommunist]

shes only your girl because she hasnt heard my kermit thee frog impression yet

[shittybusdriver]

and she never will. *hits you with my bus*

[fukkkres-deactivated20140519]

white people when they drop something: ah fiddlesticks

white people when they win a board game: hooty hoo!!!

[trueemotionsoflife]

[shake-down-the-stars]

😂❤️⭐️

[instructor144]

One of the most warmly human things I’ve ever seen was an old parchment from the Irish middle ages, the scribe’s cat had walked across the page and left inky pawprints on the page. 

[instructor144]

FOUND IT!!!

Oh, here’s another:

It would appear that Asian scribes were also plagued by feline predations:

[powerfulwizard]

[gelledegg]

this is what ancient greek philosophy is like

[deactivated-blog]

every time i see the word peonies without context

[spacemancharisma]

I MAY NOT KNOW MY FLOWERS

BUT I KNOW A

BITCH

WHEN I SEE ONE

[navajolovesdestiel]

This is a marigold:

This is a peony:

[renthebarbarian]

And this is a bitch

[warden-anders]

[thefroggiest]

[pencilonthemoon]

[coffeepeople]

One time a friend told me that if she wanted to have a chill night she would come to me and ask for tea and a book to read. I didn’t like tea at the time, but I always made sure my cupboards had them in case she needed a quiet night. One time I told my boss that I loved oranges, but couldn’t peel them because of my nails. For a year he made sure to peel me one at least once a week. Once my friends gave me a made up superlative of “most likely to have a pen they could borrow” and ever since I’ve made sure I always carry a pen with me. A long time ago, my high school librarian told me that no one would care what my grade in my sophomore chemistry class was if I’m bringing them doughnuts and asking them about their day.

[coffeepeople]

Sometimes friendship is about carrying pens and peeling oranges. But the point is, surrounding yourself with people who you want to do the little things for. The point of it all is bringing in the doughnuts because you’ve found the people who deserve the doughnuts.

[coffeepeople]

And I’m so fucking lucky, and I don’t always say it or even think it. Because I have friends who send me letters and who told me when the cafeteria at work had chopped tomatoes and who want to watch Scream with me and it just hits me sometimes that this world can do the ugliest things to people, but as long as I still have a friend who will point out dogs on the sidewalks to me then I have something amazing to live for. And as long as I have pals who I want to make peppermint bark for, then I have a reason to keep pushing this world to be better.

[deep-dark-fears]

The father. An anonymous fear submitted to Deep Dark Fears - thanks!

Looking for a gift for that weirdo you have a crush on? Why not give them signed copies of my Deep Dark Fears books? Click here for more info!

[lakevida]

have you ever wanted anything so badly

[iphisesque]

*travels back in time wearing purple clothing to flex on everyone and promptly gets arrested for breaking sumptuary laws*

[filthyprotozoan]

fruit (affectionate)

[the-sided-blog]

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—

The size of it made us all laugh.

I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—

They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,

As ordinary things often do

Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.

This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.

I did all the jobs on my list

And enjoyed them and had some time over.

I love you. I'm glad I exist.

by Wendy Cope

[filthyprotozoan]

that is exactly the poem that inspired me and i was going to make it my caption before i went for a meme instead. thank you.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

the GRINCH X TONY THE TIGER Fanfic is live on ao3! hope this causes you all tremendous distress 😘

monthly subscribers can skip ahead to the next chapter

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

actual real things about this fic:

the Grinch is nonbinary & uses they/them pronouns

the Grinch is autistic

it takes place in the Jim Carrey movie universe, so the Grinch has two lesbian moms

(side note, in the movie it was implied the grinch was conceived at a swinger’s holiday party, but we don’t have to talk about that)

tony was a professional athlete who had a lucrative career appearing on cereal boxes

tony the tiger is divorced w/ kids

the Grinch is in therapy

[wereallcurioushere12]

I am sending this to all my friends gaud.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

there are over 300 comments on the fic so far, and i’m reading all of them, and i have to say my favorite comments on the ones where people are sharing this with family and friends. sometimes out of spite, sometimes earnestly. 

thank you for spreading me around like the invasive fungus i so truly am

[media-sickos-international]

I submitted it to my english teacher (our assignment was to find a well written work to share on the internet)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

…I am absolutely frothing at the mouth to know your teacher’s response please

[media-sickos-international]

this is it

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

this was beyond my wildest dreams actually much thanks

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

UPDATE:

i am having the BEST month

[tooweirdfortheworld]

I’m dying I was not prepared for this

[media-sickos-international]

hey I just wanted to mention the fact that this was a catholic school. just in case this wasn’t wild enough already. the disciplinary officer was a fucking nun

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i am now feral. i have gone feral. i am leaning a little pile of stick again a tree, soon i will nap beneath them, they will collapse on me during the next rainstorm

[eh-fandomtrash]

I’m sorry.  Getting a nun to read THE Tony the Tiger x Grinch Fanfic is the best thing ever.  This person wins at life.  Game over.  We have all lost to the person who got a nun to read that fic.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

A NUN WAS FORCED TO READ MY CRACK FIC I AM A BROKEN BEING

[headmistressbandita]

I wish anything could provide me with as much joy as gaud experiences upon discovering that a nun read their crack fic. 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

joy? JOY you say???? ma'am, this is HYSTERIA

[fantasy-to-survive-reality]

Okay so I have grandparents that are like, Greek Christians which makes them very, very, conservative. Like every time I go over to their house with my parents I have to pretend I’m straight, (they know I’m a lesbian they just want me to pretend I’m not when I’m in their house) I can’t wear anything above my knee because it makes me look like a “slut” and I have to be super polite and not talk about anything controversial or anything. 

So I was at their house last week with my parents and they were having a go at my mum because she isn’t talking to my aunt, and just being really horrible. Anyway they asked me what I was reading on my phone, and I don’t remember what I was doing, but I said I was reading a fanfic, which is a novel written online by writers-in-training, and would you like me to read it to you? And they said, oh sure, dear, so I read them the whole first chapter of the grinch x tony fic, and when they I was finished I looked up at them both and they were just staring at me like I was crazy. It was the best.  and they said to my mum ‘‘what is god’s name was are you letting your daughter read?!” And my mum said, 

“oh, I don’t know, but the more you tell her not to get mixed up with things the more she’ll want to do it. Maybe you should calm down a bit.”

So they just awkwardly offered us some lunch and I pretended like everything was fine, and we went back to their house yesterday and they were actually a lot more opened and understanding and it’s all because of your freaking crack fic. Your freaking grinch x tony tiger fic has made my grandparents more accepting and open. 

[greatmountainfloofsquatch]

This whole thread was a ride.

[hoonkus-deactivated20230701]

How is the world getting better and worse at the same time

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]